The World Outside My Window

As I sit on my balcony I had a thought that I needed to express. As I picked up my phone and opened this app I stopped myself with another thought, "that's too personal to share, that goes in the journal". In that moment I realize I am not quite as open as I'd like to believe. I have not decided how I feel about that just yet, I don't know if it's even something I need to make a decision about. However if you pick and choose what to share, is that being dishonest? Then again isn't everyone entitled to as much privacy as they feel is necessary? I guess it's all in your perspective. I know I still have an issue with allowing myself to be vulnerable, I just didn't realize how to measure it until I'm forced to face it.

I realize everyone has their own path to walk along their journey; however its refreshing to know that someone shares your ideas or understands the choices you've made.  Earlier this year I was made aware of my neurotic relationship with my OB/GYN, I recognized that whenever I had sex, although it was always protected I immediately went to the doctor to "confirm" that I was still in good health.  I'd express to my doctor that I needed her to test for everything and I could not relax until I heard the words that everything was negative.  It was at the last appointment when our eyes met and I knew that this was unhealthy on some other level.  The fact that I was this paranoid just meant that I should not be having a sexual relationship, especially if on some level I did not trust the person I was with.  I later had a conversation with a friend and sure enough, she said to me "if you feel this way, maybe you shouldn't be having sex".  I couldn't...

"Your task is not to seek love but merely to find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~Rumi     After the Master Cleanse was completed in June 2012, I realized how much I'd learned about myself.  I was able to really see my gift(s), talents, strengths and weaknesses.  I was able to repair relationships and improve in areas I had convinced myself were unimportant.  I got insight to so many areas except for one; I was stuck on "love".  I did not completely understand it and I was unsure if I really knew what it was or if I'd identify it when/ if it came to me.  I began to pray and include thoughts of love in my meditation, well thoughts of romantic love.  There is a difference you know.  The love for a friend, child, stranger, pet is far different from that of a lover.  I believed I was ready to be in love and to express that however it had been so long since I allowed myself to feel that; I was sure I'd ...

I have this idea in my mind, trouble is I haven't been able to get all of the pieces together to really get it in motion.  From time to time random thoughts come to mind and I try to make sure I am always in a space to capture them, today I saw a drawing and it was my vision exactly.  I feel as if I am putting a puzzle together while on a scavenger hunt lol.  I recognized what I am looking for as it is presented yet I am unsure when or where I'll find the next piece.  It has become an adventure and I am excited to see it all come together. Yesterday as I thought of this idea and how to develop it, I said to myself "I just want my spirit to be free.  No concept of time, just space and love".  That is the essence of my idea, imagine a life where time does not matter.  A life where you're free to go and do as you please and help those along the way.  You'd always be in the "right time/ right place" as God orders your steps.  That's t...

Recently I was faced with a situation and when I mentioned it to a few people they all instructed me to “be careful”, I took their concerns to heart and made sure to include those thoughts in my meditation.   When I meditate, it is usually for clarity or guidance.   I like to connect with God and listen for direction or insight before making decisions or communicating with people.   I’ve made it a habit to meditate as soon as I awake in the morning and before I go to sleep at night.   I’ve learned along this journey that is a very important part of my day, if not the most important.   I’ve realized now more than ever that when you deal with someone you are actually dealing with their spirit or better yet the spirit that influences them.   If a person is connected to God/ the Universe then s/he will conduct themselves in a certain way; granted we are all “human” so our flaws, insecurities, shortcomings, etc will come into play; however you can usually see ...

I find myself in a very familiar space, let's see if I can paint the picture and hopefully as I type I am able to gain clarity. It was Summer 2005 and life was GOOD, I'm talking the dream life for a single 25 year old woman in Los Angeles. My son was at a great age and full of discovery, I had a great job, car, awesome friends, designer clothes, shoes and bags! I was dating a few guys, but nothing serious. Then it hit me "I want a relationship", so I began qualifying the gentlemen already on the roster. Unfortunately, they either weren't ready or did not seem to have enough of the qualities I was looking for. One day while at work I took out a notepad and let my thoughts wander. Well, once I was finished I had a list of the qualities I wanted my next relationship to have. Soon after I met someone, initially I didn't really want to be bothered. He was persistent and one evening during a battle with insomnia he popped up in my yim (yahoo instant messenger),...

In a whirlwind of challenges (mentally, emotionally and financially); in the past the amount shit going on "at the same damn time" would've had me in a space of depression (fear, worry, stress, helplessness, you get the picture). However, somehow I didn't even entertain the thought although they were present at times. In those moments I checked in with myself and asked, "what am I REALLY feeling?", I'd quiet my mind and usually the answer was "you're uncomfortable". In another situation, I won't go into much detail (I don't think lol). I found myself dealing with someone I have a very interesting history with, see I met this person when I was 17 and through life's choices we are forced into a connection. At one point this forced interaction was hostile and needlessly unpleasant; I now understand the reason(s) causing that. As time passed we evolved and created a space of acceptance, or so I thought. I shared some thoughts r...

Be careful who you call God, not every god is the God of creation. Don't allow just any/everybody to pray for you. Some pray, others prey.

At some point over the weekend I became consumed with a thought or perhaps it was a desire. I found myself in a realm of sadness because the reality of the situation is vastly different from my imagination. At one point I thought I needed to "make" it the way I wanted it to be, but how? From there I decided, "I need a drink!", now I've drank too much and I'm sick. Like, dizzy, vomiting, weak....dehydrated to the point I missed work for a couple of days. So what started out of a space of wanting to connect with someone (in particular) lead to loneliness, obsessiveness, sadness, sickness and selfishness. See, now that I'm sick and the world didn't stop to pamper me back to health, I'm upset. Hmmm or would "hurt" be a better word? Next thing you know I'm focused solely on myself and my troubles, I stopped caring or noticing my interaction with those around me. I've been so mindful to not allow myself to go to a space of worry wh...

For as much as I have grown in various areas of my life, I realize spaces where I still have a lot to learn. I think it becomes easy to correct things based on priority or necessary effort. For example, for me managing my finances has become less of a challenge when you compare it to managing my heart and/ or feelings. Honestly, if given the tasks of curing Cancer or tackling matters of my heart. I'd choose finding a cure! As a kid and later as an adult I somehow adapted the philosophy that being vulnerable was a characteristic for the weak. Emotions, love and intimacy were all unnecessary and my happiness did not depend on their existence. Didn't expect that from a girl, did you? As I type, i am reminded of my days as a young girl. For 13 years I was my father's only child not to mention I was surrounded by boys: three cousins and an uncle to be exact. They spoke openly in front of me so I heard all the games and opinions, i even saw how they treated women. I witnessed...