With all that said I decided not to erase everything simply because they are somewhat preoccupied with a certain someone the truth is, I felt those things. I still feel those things so why erase them as if that will magically erase the love or the hurt. I completely understand that I am a work in progress striving to be a better me but I still love him. I pray that one day I'll love him less, until its not at all. It helps when I don't talk about him or think too much of our history (ancient and that of recent days) today was not one of those days. I was often reminded of the latest hurts and I began to miss him. I even considered texting but thought it'd be in my best interest not to. If its meant to be the Universe will make a way. My heart wants it to yet my head is saying that the possibility of an 'us' is impossible. He doesn't want to come back to California however my son lives here so I can't just up and go. He doesn't seem to want more children yet I desire to have two more. I'm not sure where he stands on marriage but he's divorced (so he says) not to mention he isn't a very good communicator which is the main cause of many of the previous topics of discussion and our roller coaster of a 'relationship' we've had for so many years. Who knows, somehow things may find a way to allow 'love to conquer all' but I don't even know if this IS love.
When I think of love I am reminded of Carrie ending things with 'the Russian' (see Sex & the City, Series Finale) where she explains to him that she understands that he loves her, the problem is: she requires passionate, inconvenient, over-the-top, romantic, til death do us part type of love (I paraphrased) but he clearly wasn't able to provide the love she needs. With that said she walked out of his life and into the arms of a man who FINALLY after all of the ups & downs, break-ups & make-ups, good times and plain fu*kery realized that she was THE ONE. I desire to be with a MAN who appreciates me while he has me, respects me and all that comes with it (the good, the bad, flaws & all), a man who loves me and can articulate the reasons why, a man who values me and all that I have to offer, a man who is able and willing to communicate with me even when I may not like what he has to say, a man who is open and honest, affectionate, passionate, secure, trustworthy, ambitious, intelligent, caring, attractive and loving. I know he is out there for me and I believe the Universe is preparing the man of MY dreams just for me
I will take things one day at a time, keeping an open mind and ear to the Holy Spirit so I may hear the instructions to guide my actions where my journey is destined to go. Who said it would be easy? No one! But I know its worth it and I believe the best for my life and all those who are/have been apart of my life as they go on their journey.
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