'didn't we almost have it all'
I try my best not to get my hopes up when it comes to him... yet for some reason I can't just let go completely :-/
I had an epiphany
Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far".
I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid.
The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I don't. I just realized as the hour got later, the excuses begun and ultimately he spoke the words that let me know that I didn't matter enough to him to make the drive. Or perhaps he was feeling some kind of way which made it hard for him to see me *side eye @ my damn self for justifying his behavior* yet isn't that what we (women) do? Make excuses, justify the reasons why and excuse the behavior although its showing us clear as day that his expression of love isn't the level of what we deserve.
Well I'm done with that faux acceptance. I require a man to want to see me regardless of the distance! I require that a man make time for me, not what's left over after he's done all that he wanted to do with whomever he chose to do it with and squeeze me in as an after-thought. I want a man who knows what I have to offer and accepts me, flaws and all. I want a man who knows he doesn't need to be perfect or hide behind the 'ideal' he THINKS I am interested in. I want a man who understands that I am multifaceted as he should be. I want a man who lays with me and comforts me so there are no more sleepless nights. I want a man who is strong enough to wipe my tears yet gentle enough to give insight on something I may not see clearly without being full of his ego or condescending.
For now I will continue to work on myself and allow GOD to continue his work because I know these trails (some apart of growth and others self-afflicted) are here to prepare me for what's in store. No more settling for less.
I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid.
The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I don't. I just realized as the hour got later, the excuses begun and ultimately he spoke the words that let me know that I didn't matter enough to him to make the drive. Or perhaps he was feeling some kind of way which made it hard for him to see me *side eye @ my damn self for justifying his behavior* yet isn't that what we (women) do? Make excuses, justify the reasons why and excuse the behavior although its showing us clear as day that his expression of love isn't the level of what we deserve.
Well I'm done with that faux acceptance. I require a man to want to see me regardless of the distance! I require that a man make time for me, not what's left over after he's done all that he wanted to do with whomever he chose to do it with and squeeze me in as an after-thought. I want a man who knows what I have to offer and accepts me, flaws and all. I want a man who knows he doesn't need to be perfect or hide behind the 'ideal' he THINKS I am interested in. I want a man who understands that I am multifaceted as he should be. I want a man who lays with me and comforts me so there are no more sleepless nights. I want a man who is strong enough to wipe my tears yet gentle enough to give insight on something I may not see clearly without being full of his ego or condescending.
For now I will continue to work on myself and allow GOD to continue his work because I know these trails (some apart of growth and others self-afflicted) are here to prepare me for what's in store. No more settling for less.
...
"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control"
So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home.
Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't last too long because my love for him outweighs whatever made me upset. He asked 'why me?' I've asked myself that question countless times 'why him?!?!' And the truth is; he filled a void that no one has touched since Terrance (my 1st love, my best friend, my companion, my everything!). He was the first man I'd ever told & felt love for. He still holds a dear space in my heart and will never be forgotten. I digress. Why him? The foundation is there, years of friendship has bonded us like no other. Most times I feel safe with him, I trust him to be himself which is usually why at times I back away, shut him out and distance myself.
The truth is I don't want to bee that way anymore, I want to love him. I want to be IN love with him and more than anything else I want him to be IN love with me. And that is where the fear comes from because after 8 years its been a great friendship but the other part hasn't worked out. I felt I needed to control the outcome and course of how things went in an attempt to protect myself so he couldn't hurt me or worse, abandon me.
Anyway I'm not going to analyze this I just look forward to our future conversations and possibly seeing him next week and go from there.
So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home.
Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't last too long because my love for him outweighs whatever made me upset. He asked 'why me?' I've asked myself that question countless times 'why him?!?!' And the truth is; he filled a void that no one has touched since Terrance (my 1st love, my best friend, my companion, my everything!). He was the first man I'd ever told & felt love for. He still holds a dear space in my heart and will never be forgotten. I digress. Why him? The foundation is there, years of friendship has bonded us like no other. Most times I feel safe with him, I trust him to be himself which is usually why at times I back away, shut him out and distance myself.
The truth is I don't want to bee that way anymore, I want to love him. I want to be IN love with him and more than anything else I want him to be IN love with me. And that is where the fear comes from because after 8 years its been a great friendship but the other part hasn't worked out. I felt I needed to control the outcome and course of how things went in an attempt to protect myself so he couldn't hurt me or worse, abandon me.
Anyway I'm not going to analyze this I just look forward to our future conversations and possibly seeing him next week and go from there.
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