The World Outside My Window

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.   I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never ...

JEHOVAH-JIREH - "The Lord our provider" - This is also the name Abraham gave to the place where the Lord provided a sacrifice in place of Isaac. ( Gen. 22:14 ). JEHOVAH-NISSI -"Our banner, a banner of love and protection" - Also the name Moses gave to the altar he built after defeating the Amalekites ( Ex. 17:15 ). JEHOVAH-SHALOM -"Our perfect peace" - Also the name Gideon gave to the altar he built at Ophrah ( Judges 6:24 ) JEHOVAH-TSID-KENU -"The Lord is our righteousness " - The name is applied to a future Davidic king who would lead his people to do what is right and thus bring peace ( Jeremiah 23:6 ) and to the restored city of Jerusalem ( Jeremiah 33:16 ). The name is possibly a play on the name of Zedekiah ("Righteous [is] the Lord") who reigned from 597 to 587 B.C. JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH -"The One Who is with us everywhere for He is Omnipresent" - The Jerusalem of Ezekiel's vision ( see Ezek...

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized.    The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan ou...

Free public star parties are held monthly with the assistance of the Los Angeles Astronomical Society and the Los Angeles Sidewalk Astronomers at the Griffith Observatory from 2:00 p.m. to 9:45 p.m. They are a chance for the whole family to look at the sun, moon, visible planets, and other objects, to try out a variety of telescopes, and to talk to knowledgeable amateur astronomers about the sky and their equipment. Please be aware that the astronomers and telescope demonstrators must cut off the line for each telescope to enable all viewing to be completed by 9:45 p.m. Hours for telescope operation are not the same as for the building (which closes at 10:00 p.m.). Public Star Parties for 2013 January 19 February 16 March 16 April 20 May 18 June 15 July 13 August 17 September 14 October 12 November 9 December

For some reason I rarely pay attention to it's arrival, I just know that something is "off" in my communication.  Especially with certain people, I'd realize the breakdown and once things were back to "normal" I'd excuse the miscommunication and blame it all on Mercury and it's reverse travels.  Well not this time, I realize that although the "Cosmos" weren't quite aligned the way I'd like them to be, the interaction with some people wasn't that great when Mercury was on the straight and narrow.   As the usual New Year's Resolution time is approaching, I've come to terms with the idea that some people may not make it into 2013 with me.  This time not because I've deleted them, changed my number or said anything reckless, but simply because we don't want the same things.  We aren't on the same path and our interaction leads to frustration and stress, all of which I am not in a space to accept or tolerate...

Mercury Retrograde, Nov 6 - 26, 2012 This is a retrograde when you might lose sight of the shore, as insight comes in that takes time to integrate. Layers of reality can be revealed that are shocking or unlock what's been too painful to deal with. The gifts come later, with wisdom and a full sense of the big picture.   What happens?: Mercury is the messenger, and in this time, legend has it that mail vanishes en route. Some people find that their computers go on the fritz or phone lines go down. If you're at all jittery about it, go ahead and back up your important files. That's always a good idea anyway, right?   A Time-Out: Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old grou...

Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God.  The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan.  Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.   I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy" ).  We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another.  I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem.  Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife a...

Years ago I realized I wanted a relationship, I also realized that I had/have some areas that dont work in my favor when dealing with men.  I had a conversation or two with a girl I follow on twitter  @ singlegirlguide , I also checked out her blog http://www.thesinglegirlsguidetomen.com occassionally.  The conclusion of our conversation was her suggesting that I find a "practice boyfriend", her reasoning was that I'd be in position to work out all of my kinks, he'd benefit from it so it wasnt as if I was using him so either our interaction would morph into something significant OR I'd meet someone worthy and would be prepared to be a great girlfriend! Sounds like a win/win if you ask me.   So I meet a guy through a mutual friend, I understood that he was abstinent which in my mind was perfect since I didnt necessary want to have sex with the "practice boyfriend".  He and I begin spending time together and on occassion he'd sp...

Dealing with anxiety has been a very eye opening experience for me. Since I completed my last cleanse a few weeks ago I've begun to see myself differently, like who I really am. I will admit, I like am in love with myself now (flaws and all). Earlier this year I was in such a dark space I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without a feeling of disgust, humiliation and/or insecurity. I'd gained weight and as I thought of the fact that I'd been 115 lbs until my son was born then hmm 130- 140 lbs up until a couple of years ago I grew more and more depressed as the numbers on the scale continued to increase and doctors now referred to me as "obese". I wasn't interested in sex, or should I say, I had no desire to have sex because I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say #TeamAbstinence was a breeze! So as I've cleansed, changed my eating habits and gotten into a regular fitness lifestyle the lbs have shed and I actually su...

In a whirlwind of challenges (mentally, emotionally and financially); in the past the amount shit going on "at the same damn time" would've had me in a space of depression (fear, worry, stress, helplessness, you get the picture). However, somehow I didn't even entertain the thought although they were present at times. In those moments I checked in with myself and asked, "what am I REALLY feeling?", I'd quiet my mind and usually the answer was "you're uncomfortable". In another situation, I won't go into much detail (I don't think lol). I found myself dealing with someone I have a very interesting history with, see I met this person when I was 17 and through life's choices we are forced into a connection. At one point this forced interaction was hostile and needlessly unpleasant; I now understand the reason(s) causing that. As time passed we evolved and created a space of acceptance, or so I thought. I shared some thoughts r...

At some point over the weekend I became consumed with a thought or perhaps it was a desire. I found myself in a realm of sadness because the reality of the situation is vastly different from my imagination. At one point I thought I needed to "make" it the way I wanted it to be, but how? From there I decided, "I need a drink!", now I've drank too much and I'm sick. Like, dizzy, vomiting, weak....dehydrated to the point I missed work for a couple of days. So what started out of a space of wanting to connect with someone (in particular) lead to loneliness, obsessiveness, sadness, sickness and selfishness. See, now that I'm sick and the world didn't stop to pamper me back to health, I'm upset. Hmmm or would "hurt" be a better word? Next thing you know I'm focused solely on myself and my troubles, I stopped caring or noticing my interaction with those around me. I've been so mindful to not allow myself to go to a space of worry wh...

I’d only been to two funerals in my entire life; after I attended Terrance’s I vowed to myself that I would never attend another. It took forever to comprehend the fact that he was gone, I dialed his number a million times, well the first 6-digits until I realized I’d never hear his voice again, or see his face or the smile that I loved so much. I buried myself in motherhood, school and work. Nothing else mattered. Once I began to see this sadness linger I realized I needed to switch my focus. I turned to a group of "friends" I met online; we chatted throughout the day while we engaged in various tasks (work, school, etc.). After months of socializing online we decided to have a get together and meet everyone who wanted to attend. I was a bit apprehensive since I had only developed friendships with 3 out of about 20 of the chat room members. It was the perfect Saturday afternoon in July (I believe it was July, my memory escapes me on the details). There was food and music ...

About a week ago I had a dream, it was all too familiar yet completely different.  I dreamt that I was telling that same guy who occuplied so much of my heart for so many years that I was getting married. When I woke up, the feeling of truth overwhelmed me.  As if this dream was filled with so much possibility.  I quickly emailed him and formed my words from a space of love and to be informative.  I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself.  The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months.  I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better.  To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life.  I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him....

Since my initial cleanse I've come to quite a few revelations which prompted necessary change; for starters I've become happy.  That seems like a no-brainer, right? Well, not really, it wasn't until I reached that space that I realized I had never really been happy before.  Don't get me wrong, I've had moments and even periods of happiness however as soon as life happened or things were no longer "perfect" that happiness vanished.  I recognized there was a huge difference between my life before and what is was becoming now.  I also regained my focus in the gym, I begun taking my workouts more seriously and finally started to see my desired results.  I made some adjustments in my diet and began to consider giving up meat.  Now that I am in this new/ unknown space, I begun to think "I need to meet new people", so with much harassment from a friend I decided to join an online dating site.  As I came across various exes and a few newcomers that cou...

Law 46 Never appear too Perfect Appearing better than others is always dangerous, but most dangerous of all is to appear to have no faults or weaknesses. Envy creates silent enemies. It is smart to occasionally display defects, and admit to harmless vices, in order to deflect envy and appear more human and approachable. Only gods and the dead can seem perfect with impunity.

'Inside every confident, driven, single woman. Is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?' ~ Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City The other night lying in bed debating on sending a text or not (I chose, not!) I realized, when it comes to men I often do things to receive a response, reply, action but most importantly ATTENTION. I guess that's not a bad thing, depending how you perceive it... The problem is, I don't see where its gotten me thus far which is why I didn't send anything. As much as I love, miss, want, and at times dare I say need him I refuse to settle for a series of 'responses'. Makes me wonder: is your life so busy that you don't have the time to reach out to me and initiate a conversation? Or, are you too lazy to do it because you assume I'll take the lead, every time? Then the question of all questions, do you just not want to or think its necessary to communicate with me on a regular basis??!?! I'm tired!...

"This week the last pass of the ongoing opposition between Saturn and Uranus takes place. Saturn is in Libra and moving forward, while Uranus is in Aries and is retrograde. It is time to find your inner balance while also taking advantage of this opportunity to shed old fears, patterns, negative emotions, and other sticky energies. By doing so, you can create space to grow into the person you were always meant to be." Okay, so the above was copied & pasted from MSN Horoscopes today which explains so much right now. This week has been extremely 'odd' however I couldn't quite put my finger on it so to speak. For the most part I blamed pms and unsettled hormones which may have been caused by the stars, planets and such. Especially since my astrological sign is 'ruled' by Saturn I'm sure for those who truly believe in this concept it speaks for itself. In retrospect it does make sense; at least to me. I've felt deja vu a couple times this week, v...

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control

So there's a saying "everything in your life is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime" I take that to mean that every obstacle, person and/or experience comes in your life to teach you something or for a certain time period while others which some would call a soulmate or twin flame are there for a lifetime. The past few weeks have been a bit much for me emotionally. Funny how in retrospect everything is crystal clear, but when I'm 'going through it' i don't know why or it seems to come 'out of the blue' well I can not and will not pretend to be over him or happy about the outcome however i've decided to let go knowing that I can't dwell on what could have been or the reasons why things turned out the way they have. Its as simple as the idea that their season came, the reason was revealed leaving the conclusion that they weren't meant to last a lifetime. This theory also includes friendships which may have served there purpose an...