Afternoon Rambling

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.    I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was happening to me I thought I could just relocate and things would improve.  Then I thought about the other people who were effected by the same situation as I was and I felt the need to look past myself and speak up for all of "us".  Never did I imagine what that would actually entail.  I took to my social media this Morning and allowed my thoughts to thrive rather than censor them.  I mentioned if I had the opportunity to do things over and how I would have chosen differently.  Although that is true, I then wonder where my life would be today.

I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really.  I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues.  I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside.  That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience.  I tend to over-think rather than over-share.  Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft.  I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago.  It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it.  I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights".  I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.  


Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams.  I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming.  I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested.  At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me.  Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me.  I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith.  As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.  


As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery.  Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either.  It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with.  The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often.  At least that's my hope going forward.  

Until next time...

Scars

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." 

- Rumi*

At the end of Summer 2012 I underwent surgery;  at the time I believed it was in my best interest.  Yet about 3 months later clouds of vanity interrupted the practical reality of the pain and suffering (physically as well as financially) caused by the issue in the first place.  I believe I have finally reached a space in my Being where I understand how that could be classified as a "flaw".  Nevertheless, my humanity is unhappy with the scars and pain that I deal with years later.  As a woman of a certain age, my Body has begun different changes that I have yet to grow accustomed to; along with my other issues, things have gotten a bit overwhelming.  Some days I remember my youth with fondness, however as I am typing these words which are coming from an unfamiliar space, I realize, I am still young!  Acknowledging my battle with Severe Depression is tough for a (self-diagnosed) Narcissist, but somehow the two exist within.  Funny because it seems as if it would be an impossibility to think so highly of yourself yet doubt and/or second guess every word, thought and decision. I suppose that's where the Anxiety Disorder and OCD comes in.  

I find myself feeling open, wounded, hurt, at times sad; but hopeful and overall content.  I recall spurts of happiness during the day as I find various adventures to keep my Mind along with my Self simulated throughout the Day and into the Evening.  Lately, I've been a bit more of an extrovert which is a huge stretch for me.  I guess that's where the duality, or perhaps "yin/ yang" balance comes into play.  Suddenly, I had the thought to check my Birth Chart (for the millionth time); this time was filled with clarity and a renewed understanding, as if I were reading the words with all of my Eyes completely open (Third Eye included). While reading each section I began to understand my Self (Mind, Body & Soul) on a new level, as if there was a paradigm shift and my Consciousness elevated in that very moment.  

I am still adjusting to my age change, luckily, or should I say thankfully I am not in a negative space regarding it.  I took a few years to prepare for it I suppose.  I've actually been enjoying exciting "Birthday" shenanigans all month long.  I mentioned in a previous entry how I'd been praying for multiple years for something by a particular "age" and after facing the possibility of the truth of how God is truly a "prayer answering God", I am in awe to have the capacity of thought to pull many of the pieces together to support decisions as well as prayers I've made.  It brings to mind the "Law of Attraction" as well as other Spiritual and Universal Laws. Confirming the philosophy of "when you make a decision, the entire Universe conspires to bring it to pass" (I'm paraphrasing).  Simply meaning I believe I am in-tune with an awesome frequency which is allowing me to see as well as process things from a alternative perspective.  

Now I'm beginning to feel as if I've shared too much, or maybe I should've written this in a journal, etc. (there I go second guessing again).  I've decided to stop.   I don't want to spend days, weeks, months away any longer.  I desire to catalog my journey as I've discussed in many of the previous post; as well as the "headline" states.  Rather than spending countless moments re-writing and editing, I'd like to allow my fingers to dance with my heart.  The words on the page should be their reflection, at least that's the mindset I try to have when I write, especially writing to share with you all.  I feel connected, not concerned (completely) with the number of "readers", but more of establishing a relationship.  I feel as if through various channels for social media I've become a little more familiar, looking forward to engaging a bit more this year.  I truly wish to show my growth, not because I think I have matured overnight, but because I would like to reflect on my earlier writing and circumstances and see a true difference.  For example:  Without any forethought I realized I stopped watching television.  Last Fall I was totally anticipating the return of Scandal, as well as the premier of a few other shows;  I believe I've shared this before in a previous entry, nonetheless, I was not impressed with the beginning of the season and could barely stay awake for a few of the other shows I used to adore. Next thing I know, we're approaching Spring and I rarely watch anything other than a football game (Seattle SeaHawks!) or a few glances of a movie or something if I'm visiting and someone is watching something. Without a doubt there is definitely a difference in my focus as well as the amount of information that comes to mind on a regular basis.

I suppose although I am not fully satisfied with the outcome of a decision and the aftermath of it I am learning to heal the wounds rather than pouring salt in them.  Allowing the Light to penetrate the sadness as opposed to letting the depression get the best of me as I have done in the past.  Realizing that although my lower self is preoccupied with a superficial condition; the rest of me understands it was for the best and overall I must live with the outcome of those choices.  Of course it would be so much easier if "Back To The Future" were really possible.  Like, if I could do things over again, how many of my choices would remain the same? That simple question makes me think about multiple aspects of my life and the follow up is "are you settling?"...

Now that's a whole other story. lol...

*quote found on @Rumi_Quote's Twitter page

Venus on Display: Vulnerability Pt. 2

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again.

That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in check", yet from moment to moment I can swim in and out of Love.  I float though despair and fight to find myself gliding into a space of helpfulness in addition to hopefulness.  

I've decided to spend the past few days putting the needs of others in place of my own, not in a way of lack or being less than, but out of a space of finding my true nature, which I believe was buried by various "issues" of my past.  Issues I am fighting hard to overcome as well as end the cycle which leads to unhappiness. Even in writing currently, I am choosing not to focus on the past; rather looking forward to the bright future I can see from my dreams.  

No Filter

"…But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief."

- from 48 Laws of Power; Law 4, Always Say Less Than Necessary

I recall when I was in my 20's (especially), I used to "pop off" at the mouth (easily); always "just sayin".  There was one night in particular where I was out with a friend and friends of hers, at a club and this random guy was a bit too touchy and ungentlemanly for my taste. Well, after I'd had enough (which didn't take long), I started talking all types of shit.  I wish I could remember the exchange, but it's neither here nor there at this point.  Anyway, had things escalated it would've been a situation of "when keeping it real goes wrong".... Over the years I've learned to control my self a lot better.  In that situation I (try my best to) defuse the situation before it gets too out of hand and inform people about my "issues", "disorder(s)" and phobias long before anything inappropriate takes place.  Notice I didn't say I've mastered it (lol).  However I am still making an effort to eliminate the useless chatter and nonsense conversations (as best as I can).  

As I've made this effort, I've gotten into two verbal confrontations with two associates; who I had thought would develop into friendship.  I've said this before on the Blog, but I've noticed some people love everything you say to them as long as they agree or it is a stroke to their ego in some way.  However, unpopular opinions and simple disagreements seem to bring out the worst; which is why I've made an active effort to keep my opinions to myself (unless asked or necessary).  After the first altercation and a few other interactions I awoke soon after with the thought to brush up on the book "48 Laws of Power" by Robert Green.  I'll keep my opinion(s) about this book to myself, however if you haven't read it, I'd advise you to pick it up and flip through and see how you "feel" about it (for yourself).  

For me, I took the approach of gathering information and processing it through my specific agenda for it's use as well as filtering the narrative through my thoughts, beliefs and such. Funny thing (for me) is with certain combinations of medication, along with my level of awareness and the "human" challenges, I am finding that my "filter" and conviction(s) regarding certain types of treatment and/or conversations; I feel "forced" to speak up, typically for myself and in some cases for anOther who may not have a "voice" for whatever reason.  I am noticing how some are able to have a passionate discussion and hear all perspectives while others; not so much.  I am learning to walk away, say my farewell or steer clear; as I am trying to master what comes out of my mouth along with the things that I choose to share via social media.

Which leads me to my next venture; YouTube.  I haven't decided how I would like to use the channel, but I will do my best to learn as much as I can in an attempt to connect with you all as well as express some thoughts which may come out better with a voice attached as opposed to leaving the words on a page.... Time will tell.

Venus on Display: Vulnerability, Pt. 1

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.  

I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the journey I find myself on.  As I was in the mist of "Mental Health Awareness" Week, I was very aware that this assignment did not just happen to correspond with exact Spiritual and Natural, core-changing experiences in my life.  I know I typically don't speak in detail about my religious Spiritual beliefs, however the doctrine(s) I identify with are that of Seventh-Day Adventist as well as Apostolic/ Pentecostal faith.  In 1999, I was baptized (in Jesus name) on November 14th; it took almost a year, but in August of 2000 I received the gift of the Holy Ghost; evidence by speaking in tongues as the spirit of God gives utterance (Acts 2:4 & 38).   Along with that it was the birthday of a dear friend; my best friend actually.  I've written about him before, each time memories of his Being and our conversations brings tears to the wells of my eyes; but because of my silly issues with crying and showing vulnerability I'll let them stay until they dry, knowing they aren't allowed to fall. 


Nonetheless, to think my time away was a bit emotional would be an understatement, although I was able to push through it, I thought with all of his wisdom, encouraging words and support; what would he encourage me to do in this stage of my journey if he were here to see areas where I may be holding back.  I am deciding to allow myself the freedom to express what my heart desires and allow the "chips to fall where they may" or more like "carpe diem"!  I feel as if I have been in this position before; as a matter of fact I know I have been....

December 2007*, I'd decided the work I was doing was no longer serving me so I turned in my resignation with the plan to start my own business and begin writing a book.  It was outlined to be fictional however based on a few of the hilarious interactions I'd witness over the previous years with the people and things I found myself surrounded by.  Along with my personal "life lessons" and outlook; well I began a business and my first "client" was introduced to be through a "friend".  I poured my heart and time into a project and found myself getting "played" with some hood shenanigans.  Immediately I put the business and book on the shelf and went out to find a job.  Fast forward to present day, I find myself in the same mindset to start businesses and write books; however this time I refuse to allow any set back or set up to interfere with the vision I have or the projects in mind.  I believe on a different level this time.  I believe God gave me those ideas and various experiences keep leading me back to them, leaving me feeling that this is my opportunity (once again) to fulfill my dreams and make a difference in this World (regardless of the level of impact), even if something I've said helps one Person, even if that one Person is my Self; I am determined to take control of my destiny and not allow past experiences, current circumstances or doubts/ anxiety of the future keep me from my purpose any longer.
To be continued...

*correction

Out Of The Loop

Like (almost) everyone, I anticipated the return of Winter Season programming on television; trouble came when my "faves" returned and could not hold my interest.  Without realizing it, I practically don't watch anything anymore; that is unless something comes to mind and I YouTube it.  When doing that it's mostly music or something that will provide (spiritual/ mental) enlightenment, growth and/or wisdom.  Once it came to my awareness I than took inventory on where my thoughts were and what my words and actions created. To my surprise, I had accomplished some things that were on the "back burner" for quite some time.  To say I was/am overjoyed by the amount of checks on my "to do list", I even realized how much extra time I had each day.  

During my trip to Nevada I entertained a vegetarian style of eating and actually enjoyed it; I believe I lasted about 5- 6 days and felt a difference; however due to my specific type of allergies, a "diet" of certain grains, herbs, etc. wouldn't work well with my genetic make up; so I decided to modify my current eating habits and incorporate some vegetarian dishes in the mix.  Since switching my birth control I am noticing the changes I am currently going through as a "woman of a certain age"; along with my health conditions (Anxiety Disorder and what not),  I have gotten my body completely "clean" as in free of hormones and bullshit; which shows me other areas where I may need to make some adjustments and pray for direction as well as guidance in an effort to get myself to the space I desire to be; mind, body and spirit.

To say things are easy would be a far stretch of the imagination; funny how on a particular journey, challenges seem to come out of every direction without ceasing.  I am drained and exhausted; mentally and emotionally.  However, what do you do when life is crazy yet your goals, dreams, hopes and prayers are equally as "crazy"?; if not "crazier"?  I recently re-read/ re-posted a couple expressions written in 2013 describing my need to build "my Fairytale... one brick at a time" along with "No Pity Parties Allowed".  I found it quite interesting that almost 2 years later I can still relate to those exact circumstances along with acknowledging the areas where I have grown; in addition to, areas I must improve.  Thankfully, with the knowledge and understanding gained from documentaries such as "The Secret" and books like, "The Four Agreements", I chose to look on the bright side and continue to focus on the sentiments, affections and objects of my desire; remembering to be gentle yet honest with myself to know if I had truly done "my best" or if I was choosing procrastination or some other excuse/ reason things had not been accomplished as expected.  I am pleased, nonetheless, I made a decision to "go hard(er)" and be absolutely relentless with the determination and efforts towards making my Dreams a reality.  Then guess what happened? Yep, the Universe met my expectation and put "challenges" in place which if you are aware; you'd understand that it is either an opportunity or a "set back".  With that understanding you either embrace it and allow the "issues" to propel you into greatness or frustrate you into despair; I am choosing the opportunities that are in my sights (my vision) for a future; along with how it contributes to Loved Ones as well as Our Planet and her inhabitants.  

In this moment, I am "in the feelings"; which would like to "speak", yet I make an effort not to share from that space.  However, because I have yet to secure a therapist, I think you guys may be in for a view of another "window" into my Soul, Being, Human.  (Call me crazy, but...) the concepts of "human" and "people" are still new ventures for me to learn; as an introvert, I am extremely familiar with my Self, yet I am still learning. Lately I've been more of an extrovert or perhaps a hybrid of the two.  In that I am seeing many of my personality traits and how they co-mingle with "Others"; it's quite entertaining to say the least.  With that said, I suppose this is yet another chapter for the Blog, yet a turn of the page for the Book.  To say what this chapter has thought me so far would be premature; and I have no intention of unraveling anything that's being tied up (loose ends).  So I guess I'm saying, I am looking forward to my next level of growing and I am grateful for you all to be on this journey along with me.  It means a lot to know that we are supporting one anOther and challenging ourselves to stretch our visions, goals, dreams and understanding; in an effort to contribute to the "Greater Good".  I am humbled as well as honored to know that I am not alone on this Earth; although it feels that way much of the time.  I don't know if that's the Severe Depression speaking or if it's a legitimate feeling; so I took a moment and thought about it which sparked thoughts of other expressions to share.  

It is not my intention to change the direction of the Blog; however I have wanted to be a bit more open about my Self as well as the Struggle(s) and Battles; I have experienced plus the ones that are an every Day fight.  I hope to continue on the path chosen for me and your support inspires me to do more; Be more.  Striving to be the best Kamille I am able to be.

Thank you! I Love You all for your support and willingness to share in the transformation I am undergoing.

Namaste

New Day

I spent some time this weekend reading through The Blog; first randomly selecting posts which lead to reading the associated entry, before I knew it I was lost in my own words for hours. I know I mentioned the thought of deleting and starting anew, but I've decided not to. The truth is: the thoughts and feelings shared were from my Heart; and to delete or attempt to "erase" them won't take away the space it filled during that time.

I began The Blog hmmm around 2008 (iBelieve) with private settings as a way to process my thoughts and feelings. I had no intention on sharing them with anyone, let alone "strangers". So in 2012 when I had the conversation to change settings to public (see, "Comfort Zone(s)") I made sure to delete almost all of the posts I'd published (2008- 2010). Overall, I am glad that I did since those thoughts were extremely personal not to mention private; and I know I would've been quite uncomfortable sharing. This time however, those thoughts are the past; along with many of the feelings expressed. 

One obvious difference is, I am no longer the "heartbroken" girl holding onto unrequited love. I can re-read the posts of my past and measure growth as well as areas that still need improvement. At times take a stroll down "memory lane" and reminisce on some pretty fun/ crazy times. Many times I found a smile or giggle as I read some of the things I'd completely forgotten about and had a moment debating which sites I'd share on (see, "Here I go again"). 

As many things have changed during the time spent away from blogging/ writing I finally feel that feeling I had a few years ago when I was happy, healthy and in love with myself.  I feel as if this is a fresh start, a new chapter so to speak. I can almost see it, I can feel it, and now I believe it. I trust the process and embrace what it does to me. Most importantly, I am encouraged to continue and allow this outlet to serve its purpose; whatever that may be. 

Love. 

The Dream Motto

"The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams." 

- Oprah Winfrey