when is enough, enough?

"no girl should ever forget: that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her back".

-Marilyn Monroe

There's a space in my heart that I have yet to fill, funny thing is I am positive that I've typed this before.  I understand, you cant control who you love; so of course you cant control when to stop loving someone.  Problem is: how do you continue to love someone who doesnt love you?  Better yet, when do you stop loving someone when you've had enough?  I guess if you've actually had enough the feelings or love would stop on its on....... 

I have no clue, obviously.  I just want to stop *wipes away the tears*

my heart

i feel some type of way when i hear about someone being pregnant, i know that's selfish and "wrong" or whatever but its my truth so I must deal with it.  I also feel some kind of way when a man says to me "you can tell me anything" and when I do, I don't feel the safety he implied with those words.  I feel like I may never get what my heart truly desires: happy marriage, adoring husband, wonderful children, fulfilling career.  I mean I am not expecting some fairy tale but as time slips away and 30 becomes an age of the past, I wonder when and sometimes if at all my time will come.

I am doing the work and getting through my progress however am I hung up on someone who will never want the same things as I do?  Is this all just a waste of my time?  Is it time to move on or do I wait a little longer as he shuffles through his circumstances and consequences?  I suppose only time will tell, but the real question is, do I really have time for it?

choices, consequenses & circumstances....

when making a decision one must factor in the desired outcome.  sometimes I think we blindly choose things without fully debating the "pros" vs. "cons" and understanding the consequences of our action, or sometimes, our inaction.  It seems that people often confuse consequences for circumstances and forgot that they are not the same thing,  A circumstance is like, "the hand that life deals you" and you must make the best out of it.  Whereas a consequence is a direct reflection of a choice, whether it was successful or a failure.  No one is responsible for your consequences but YOU however some may say that others contribute to your circumstances.  Either way, you alone must become the master of your fate and shape the journey so that it takes you to your desired destination.

lately, I've noticed many people create situations for themselves which are clear consequences of poor decisions and call them "circumstances" and figure they just have to "deal with them"  when in fact you can still make a choice to correct the consequence(s), pick up the pieces of your life and move forward to a brighter future.  I guess then the key is being willing to deal with the discomfort that comes with, and thats where the problem lies.  it seems in this day and age no one wants to put up a fight for their happiness.  they seem to figure, "this is what life is all about" however that is so wrong! life is about living well, being healthy, finding and keeping love, growing, learning, maturing, discovering, and so on.   I find it quite disappointing to hear someone basically give up on themselves or their future because of a few unfocused decisions.

On the other hand, I find it extremely admirable when someone does the complete opposite and decides to fight for their happiness, to get up early and go to bed late because they are working towards a goal and nothing will stand in their way.  Maybe because they have some years they feel they need to "catch up" or they had a few set backs that may have stalled their progress.  The sad thing is there are so many people who sit around, not making any decision because they feel like everything they want, desire, need will somehow fall into their lap and they'll magically live some happily ever after. 

I guess a few people come to mind as I type this and Im trying to figure out where exactly I fit in but I know that I no longer pass on making sound choices for my life nor do I confuse circumstances with consequenses of my actions or at times inaction. 

here's a thought... or a few

'Inside every confident, driven, single woman. Is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?' ~ Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

The other night lying in bed debating on sending a text or not (I chose, not!) I realized, when it comes to men I often do things to receive a response, reply, action but most importantly ATTENTION. I guess that's not a bad thing, depending how you perceive it... The problem is, I don't see where its gotten me thus far which is why I didn't send anything. As much as I love, miss, want, and at times dare I say need him I refuse to settle for a series of 'responses'.

Makes me wonder: is your life so busy that you don't have the time to reach out to me and initiate a conversation? Or, are you too lazy to do it because you assume I'll take the lead, every time? Then the question of all questions, do you just not want to or think its necessary to communicate with me on a regular basis??!?! I'm tired! I don't like the doubt, I don't like the fact that the distance and irregular communication causes me to waiver with my trust for him. I want to give my all but I hold back at the possibility of being hurt. The paradox is, doing so hurts me as well as the chance 'we' have to actually build a solid relationship.

Then I think, if I'm holding back and he is distant (not only in regards to location) what kind of chance do we have anyway? O_o

I long for the day that he truly becomes my Prince Charming and comes to rescue me. Until then, I'll hold on til I can't anymore

The Saturn/Uranus Opposition

"This week the last pass of the ongoing opposition between Saturn and Uranus takes place. Saturn is in Libra and moving forward, while Uranus is in Aries and is retrograde. It is time to find your inner balance while also taking advantage of this opportunity to shed old fears, patterns, negative emotions, and other sticky energies. By doing so, you can create space to grow into the person you were always meant to be."

Okay, so the above was copied & pasted from MSN Horoscopes today which explains so much right now. This week has been extremely 'odd' however I couldn't quite put my finger on it so to speak. For the most part I blamed pms and unsettled hormones which may have been caused by the stars, planets and such. Especially since my astrological sign is 'ruled' by Saturn I'm sure for those who truly believe in this concept it speaks for itself. In retrospect it does make sense; at least to me. I've felt deja vu a couple times this week, very unsettling feelings while driving or just out & about, an eerie feeling regarding the man I love and an almost urgent desire to wave the white flag and contact him only to find out he needs surgery. I feel so in tuned yet completely out of place at the same time :-/ what does that even mean?!?!

I felt like I wanted this man next to me, in my arms but didn't want to swallow my pride and contact him. What do I REALLY have to lose? Why is it so much easier to let the man I can't see myself without slip away? Am I so 'damaged' that I can't allow love to have a fighting chance? When does it stop? Only I have the power and ability to end this cowardly approach to faux love but the question is: am I willing?

Why am I holding back when I know better? I can only blame the moon and the stars for so long.

Let's just say that since I know better I am going to make a much better effort to do better.

i need a vacation

i would like to get on an airplane and disappear lol like the song says "im leaving on an airplane and i dont know if i'll be back again" funny i dont recall the exact lyrics or the name of the artist but randomly that line jumps in my head and i dream of a day when i can pack a back and go. 

i envision a small bag with the bare necessities and i'd buy whatever i needed as i travelled.  that would be so awesome! especially as i feel overwhelmed by the direction my life has taken.  for a brief while i had become very passive with my career choices, kind of making rash decisions or just plain not thinking things through leaving me in a place where i am not happy or passionate about what i do for a living.  i appreciate the fact that i have employment especially during these hard economic times however i feel like i need to make a difference and i am not doing that at this time.

which is another reason for this much needed vacation: peace of mind! i need to clear my mind of all the random thoughts of the past year, debt, lack of love, heartache, stress, etc.  its time for a new beginning and a new outlook on life. lol "if you ask me, im ready"

'nobody said it would be easy'...

I've started several entries to no avail, I guess my heart just wasn't in any of them. I even considered deleting all of my prior 'thoughts' and starting anew but what good would that do? I've scrapped things in the past: people, phone numbers, blogs, you name it but those days are over.

With all that said I decided not to erase everything simply because they are somewhat preoccupied with a certain someone the truth is, I felt those things. I still feel those things so why erase them as if that will magically erase the love or the hurt. I completely understand that I am a work in progress striving to be a better me but I still love him. I pray that one day I'll love him less, until its not at all. It helps when I don't talk about him or think too much of our history (ancient and that of recent days) today was not one of those days. I was often reminded of the latest hurts and I began to miss him. I even considered texting but thought it'd be in my best interest not to. If its meant to be the Universe will make a way. My heart wants it to yet my head is saying that the possibility of an 'us' is impossible. He doesn't want to come back to California however my son lives here so I can't just up and go. He doesn't seem to want more children yet I desire to have two more. I'm not sure where he stands on marriage but he's divorced (so he says) not to mention he isn't a very good communicator which is the main cause of many of the previous topics of discussion and our roller coaster of a 'relationship' we've had for so many years. Who knows, somehow things may find a way to allow 'love to conquer all' but I don't even know if this IS love.

When I think of love I am reminded of Carrie ending things with 'the Russian' (see Sex & the City, Series Finale) where she explains to him that she understands that he loves her, the problem is: she requires passionate, inconvenient, over-the-top, romantic, til death do us part type of love (I paraphrased) but he clearly wasn't able to provide the love she needs. With that said she walked out of his life and into the arms of a man who FINALLY after all of the ups & downs, break-ups & make-ups, good times and plain fu*kery realized that she was THE ONE. I desire to be with a MAN who appreciates me while he has me, respects me and all that comes with it (the good, the bad, flaws & all), a man who loves me and can articulate the reasons why, a man who values me and all that I have to offer, a man who is able and willing to communicate with me even when I may not like what he has to say, a man who is open and honest, affectionate, passionate, secure, trustworthy, ambitious, intelligent, caring, attractive and loving. I know he is out there for me and I believe the Universe is preparing the man of MY dreams just for me

I will take things one day at a time, keeping an open mind and ear to the Holy Spirit so I may hear the instructions to guide my actions where my journey is destined to go. Who said it would be easy? No one! But I know its worth it and I believe the best for my life and all those who are/have been apart of my life as they go on their journey.

....

Bey said it best!

Now, now, now, honey
You better sit down and look around
Cause you must've bumped yo' head
And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby
I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids
And the dog is gone
Check my credentials...
I give you everything you want everything you need
Even your friends say I'm a good woman
All I need to know is why?

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
And why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got class
I got style, and I got @ss
And you don't even care to care
Looka here
I even put money in the bank account
Don't have to ask no one to help me out
You don't even notice that

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

I got beauty, I got heart
Keep my head in them books, I'm sharp
But you don't care to know I'm smart
Now, now now now now now now
I got moves in your bedroom
Keep you happy with the nasty things I do
But you don't seem to be in tune
Ooh.....

Why don't you love me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you love me
When I make me so damn easy to love?
Why don't you need me?
Tell me, baby, why don't you need me
When I make me so damn easy to need?

There's nothing not to love about me
No, no, there's nothing not to love about me
I'm lovely
There's nothing not to need about me
No, no, there's nothing not to need about me
Maybe you're just not the one
Or maybe you're just plain....... DUMB

Happy Mother's Day

had a wonderful Mother's Day. Spent it w/the love of my life & my fav! Funny how I recall carrying him n my tummy & talking/reading to him. I remember praying to GOD for a healthy, happy child & the skills to provide, nurture & teach him. Over the past 10 yrs I know GOD heard me. I almost shed tears. I am truly proud of how brilliant, caring, loving, happy and funny my son is. Very well rounded my heart is smiling

allowing myself to be vulnerable.... is it wise?

vul·ner·a·ble

adj. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury.

The funny thing about loving someone is the risk you take when you decide to be completely *open*. Being open requires you to become vulnerable in hopes that the person feels the same, or returns similar openness to you. Well what happens when you choose to be open and the other person does not? Do you continue, or is it wise to hold back?

However if both person are picking and choosing what to share with one another what type of relationship/friendship can come from that? Yet if one person is open and the other person is not, it is clear that the person who is sharing their all is most *susceptible to emotional injury* so I guess the question then becomes: is it worth it? That I suppose can only be measured by how much this friendship means to the person who's likely to become a victim of it. But is victim the right word?

I find myself in a very odd situation because I have to make a decision to either open myself up to a friendship that I know will not go any further than a friendship with a person that I've grown to love OR do I open up just enough and move on to find the person who is ready and willing to love me back? I miss the good old days when relationships were easy. When people were together and KNEW why they were together and made it work. I hate this feeling I have, I never thought I'd be in a situation such as this and the worst part is I'm not 100% ready to let it go even though I know the likeliness of me being hurt emotionally is incredibly high.

Yet no matter what I tell myself I just cant make myself stop loving him

"I'd Do It All Again"

Ooh, you're searching for something I know,
won't make you happy
Ooh, you're thirsting for something I know,
won't make you happy
Ooh, you did it all again, you broke another skin
It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe
That my heart, my heart's an open door
You got all you came for, baby
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth
Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts
And out runs all of the sadness
It's terrifying, life, through the darkness

And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again
I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again
You try sometimes but it won't stop
You got my heart and my head's lost, ooh yeah
I've been burning down these candles for love, for love
So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride
Ooh, someone to love, mm, someone to love
Someone to love
Ooh, you're searching for something I know,
won't make you happy
Ooh

I Miss You

when he's not around I can't sleep & I have no appetite. when I make myself eat (b/c I know I have to) food has no taste

I just need him close to me *sigh* to feel his breath on my neck, his look as our eyes meet & the way my body feels when he touches me

'didn't we almost have it all'

I try my best not to get my hopes up when it comes to him... yet for some reason I can't just let go completely :-/

I had an epiphany

Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far".

I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid.

The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I don't. I just realized as the hour got later, the excuses begun and ultimately he spoke the words that let me know that I didn't matter enough to him to make the drive. Or perhaps he was feeling some kind of way which made it hard for him to see me *side eye @ my damn self for justifying his behavior* yet isn't that what we (women) do? Make excuses, justify the reasons why and excuse the behavior although its showing us clear as day that his expression of love isn't the level of what we deserve.

Well I'm done with that faux acceptance. I require a man to want to see me regardless of the distance! I require that a man make time for me, not what's left over after he's done all that he wanted to do with whomever he chose to do it with and squeeze me in as an after-thought. I want a man who knows what I have to offer and accepts me, flaws and all. I want a man who knows he doesn't need to be perfect or hide behind the 'ideal' he THINKS I am interested in. I want a man who understands that I am multifaceted as he should be. I want a man who lays with me and comforts me so there are no more sleepless nights. I want a man who is strong enough to wipe my tears yet gentle enough to give insight on something I may not see clearly without being full of his ego or condescending.

For now I will continue to work on myself and allow GOD to continue his work because I know these trails (some apart of growth and others self-afflicted) are here to prepare me for what's in store. No more settling for less.

...

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control"

So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home.

Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't last too long because my love for him outweighs whatever made me upset. He asked 'why me?' I've asked myself that question countless times 'why him?!?!' And the truth is; he filled a void that no one has touched since Terrance (my 1st love, my best friend, my companion, my everything!). He was the first man I'd ever told & felt love for. He still holds a dear space in my heart and will never be forgotten. I digress. Why him? The foundation is there, years of friendship has bonded us like no other. Most times I feel safe with him, I trust him to be himself which is usually why at times I back away, shut him out and distance myself.

The truth is I don't want to bee that way anymore, I want to love him. I want to be IN love with him and more than anything else I want him to be IN love with me. And that is where the fear comes from because after 8 years its been a great friendship but the other part hasn't worked out. I felt I needed to control the outcome and course of how things went in an attempt to protect myself so he couldn't hurt me or worse, abandon me.

Anyway I'm not going to analyze this I just look forward to our future conversations and possibly seeing him next week and go from there.

the pain in my side

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control

good morning heartache

I think some people are truly scared of being loved FOR REAL so they tend to go back to the person that really make them comfortable. The person who makes it easy for them; that way they aren't required to take the next step are grow with the other person. They can remain dumb and stagnant or content with mediocrity. sometimes they honestly don't know how OR don't believe they deserve to be loved in return sometimes you just have to take the good times & remind yourself that its over for a reason because you'll never figure out the mind of a man who goes back rather than grow forward.

yet that's the path he chose so I gotta know I'm better off without him.

my ♥ aches but I rather deal with it now & heal (eventually) than to have an aching ♥ WITH the man who claims to love me ... Clearly he's just not the one FOR me and one day he will no longer be a thought or memory. One day I won't see his face when I close my eyes or hear is voice as I reminise on the private moments together and those rare occassions when I can smell him will never happen again. Until then I'll allow the tears to fall, I'll bury my pain in wine from time to time and I'll sleep with my brokenheart hoping, wishing, praying for the day when the above is no more.

'the moon and the sky' ~Sade

I was the one
I who could
Pull in all the stars above
Lay them on your feet
And I gave you my love
You are the one that got me started
You could have let me
Love anyone but I only wanted you
So why did you make me cry
Why didn't you come get me one last time

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Aint gonna let you go

You lay me down and left me for the lions
A long, long time ago
You left me there dying
But you'll never let me go

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love
Aint gonna let you go

You'll always know the reason why
The song you heard
Will stay on your mind
It aint gonna let you go, no
Cos you were the moon
And I the endless sky

You'll always know the reason why
We could have had the moon and the sky
You'll always know the reason why this love
Reason why this love

Aint gonna let you go
Aint gonna let you go

You had the keys to the car
You had every star
Every one of them twinkling
Baby what were you thinking
We had the moon and the sky above
And I gave you my love

he crossed my mind...

'I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to

I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through

Remember all the moments for two, how we used to

Oh yeah

But the reality honestly...you where never good for me and I was never good for you.

I just remember what we used to do..'

Lately whenever my mind travels to thoughts of him I am reminded of the Jill Scott song in which she reminisces of a past lover who 'stretched her limbs across the bed and showed her where the climax was at' whewwwwwww yes! That would be YOU *wipes away the tears* anyway she paints a vivid picture of the love they shared. I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this '2way/text' I'm gone say some things and you're gonna say some things that we both don't need to say.

In the end regardless of the connection if its only physical the contact isn't worth the heart/headache. I need to be reminded of this fact each time I start to think of him wondering what he's up to or what he's doing. I am learning to let him go

brokenhearted girl

My heart hurts more than it has in a very long time. I feel as if apart of me died. I wish I could sleep and avoid the reality of this pain.

i hoped it was you

One of my favorite songs is 'hope that its you' by Donnell Jones. The melody is very soothing and heartfelt as he sings about the love in which he longs for 'hope that you're qualified to give me love and affection'.... 'Someone who can satisfy my every little need, I hope that its you'

That song comes to mind at this moment because I finally realize why I haven't been able to let certain people go. Recently I've entertained conversations with a friend/ex or whatever where he has expressed his love and admiration for me. I will admit that I love him, often I've thought of the possibility of 'us' however in the back off my mind, pit of my belly, deep in my heart I know that he is not the one. Awaiting his visit I became restless and excited until a day or two before during a conversation when he decided to give me a disclaimer to later disclose that he was 'just joking' :-/ I was immediately turned OFF and wished I could get out of the plans we somewhat made. What was done is done, I told myself and decided to make the best of it and prepare as if he hadn't hurt my feelings.

Friday night is here and he's in town I meet him and his family at a hole-in-the-wall club where I hadn't planned to stay too long. I was tired and just wanted to be home with him all too myself (MODED) so we finally leave this place at nearly 3am and I think FINALLY homeward bound! WRONG everyone's hungry, except me so now I have to sit through a meal at Denny's right down the street from the place that has been hell on earth for the past year of my life. I try to disguise my feelings and focus on him and the fun with him brother and mother while I pretend to be uber tired from my long day at work thinking/hoping/praying that they'd catch the hint and we all can go. My prayers are finally answered and we're on our way.

I hadn't realized how vulnerable it is to have a man you care about in your home for the first time. He looked around and complimented my 'sexy' apartment which meant a lot. He showered as I undressed and watched tv in bed awaiting for him to join me. It was nice but he didn't make a move so now I'm debating if I should yet not wanting to because as a woman of a certain age I believe the man should make the moves especially in the above mentioned circumstances. Anyway a move is made and he follows my lead. We have sex, not earth shaking or mind blowing but considering its been quite sometime since my last time it was much needed and appreciated. The next morning he hung my mirror, the one that's been propped against my wall since July. The one others walked right past and never even hinted about putting it in its place. At that moment I thought 'maybe we could work' 'I hope you're the one' That is until he left, with his belongings. I was under the impression that he'd be staying with me while he was here, not 24/7 but sleeping here so when I mentioned his suitcase by the door and was given a lame answer in my heart I knew he wasn't coming back. I took him to his destination and exchanged a kiss while he asked what I had planned for the remainder of my day and that he'd call. Glad I didn't hold my breath! No call, no text, no nada. I needed him to come back or call and he didn't do either. This hurts more than i expected for so many reasons. This is what i was afraid of and why i don't 'live in the moment'.

Although I love him and in his own way I believe he loves me, this is exactly why I've decided not to engage in casual relations; its a quick fix followed by hurt, emptiness and the worst of all loneliness. Now I lay in the bed we shared and I can smell him and be reminded of the expression we exchanged and hurt all over again. Thinking today about the saying 'its better to have loved and lost rather to have never loved at all' well that doesn't work for me. I'd rather forgo the love in order to bypass the pain. I can't believe I allowed this to happen and as I lay in bed replaying our encounter I am reminded of what a fool I must be to actually think he and I could be any more than we've ever been.

And at this moment I would love more than anything to never speak to him again.

Blackberry Love

"had an epiphany! the love we share is so real, if only I met a man who I could love as much as my blackberry *sigh* it 'completes me' "

Okay it started as a joke in my facebook status but as the responses came in about how crazy (I assume in the funny as well as mentally unstable use of the word) I am I began to actually give my statement some thought.

For starters Blackberry and I have been together since around 2004 (give or take) that's 6 years which is light-years longer than any of my recent relationships; which usually tap out around the 1 year mark however due to laziness, comfort, routine, etc I'll continue to entertain an 'ole faithful' so I won't be forced to actually date or meet new people. Both of which are my least favorite things to do mainly because dating and meeting new people reminds me of how 'different' I really am: humor, logic, emotions, etc are very much unlike 99.9% of others especially those in my age bracket and I refuse to go too much older.

Most men I've come across ages 26-35 are still playing games, unable to commit, unfocused, selfish, self- centered, socially retarded, unrealistic, I really could continue but I won't. One person in particular expressed how he 'wanted to have a baby' when asked about marriage he said he'd 'never envisioned being married, just more kids' so clearly his logic is irrational. wanting to have more children is perfectly fine and normal as a person reaches a certain age HOWEVER being that age and not factoring the importance of the complete family structure prior to PLANNING to procreate makes absolutely NO sense to most sane individuals. This is the same person who expressed his ideal relationship would be a long-term, casual situation at his whim yet doesn't understand why the women he dates leave him once they realize they are in an anti-climatic relationship. *side- eye*.

There's are a few key elements to explain the love I have for my blackberry that I have yet to find in a man:

Evolution: my 1st BB was cool, fun, gave me just enough to keep me happy with all of its 'bells & whistles' which often made me forget about the few things it lacked which in comparison to what it brought to the table made me laugh and totally forget about the flip phone I'd left behind. Many years and versions later my BB lacks nothing, it actually has so much to offer and at one point I thought it had TOO MANY apps, tools, options for me to handle until an occasions arises and lo & behold its in that 'ah ha' moment that I understand that's exactly what I need. Like in a relationship when you need more that a cuddle buddy or a guy with great sex or the 'big spender' its the guy that possesses all of those qualities and knows which hat to wear for each occasion so to speak. The man who can be my friend, lover, teacher, student, warrior, companion, etc all wrapped together to be the man I need in the exact moment I need him. Not at all saying he's perfect because I'm not looking for perfection I'm interested in the one who is perfect FOR me. The man who is able to challenge my mind, conquer my body, dive into my soul and steal my heart.

Dependable: the brand I've learned to trust. I know that my shits gonna work whenever, wherever, however, whatever and if for some reason I'm not happy with what my BB is giving me I'm able to communicate my issue and we work together to find an outcome that gives us both what we want. Mainly because BB appreciates me, doesn't want to be without me and actually gives a damn how I view our exchange. Proving time and time again that I matter! Which is all a gurl really wants.

Intriguing: there's probably 20 versions of the blackberry not to mention its competitors but for some reason out of all of my options I only have eyes for it. Other phones may have a million gimmicks or offer other characteristics that appeal to whomever but no matter what else is available I look forward to what I have and for any reason I feel a bit dissatisfied I know the answer/solution is just a phone call away. And each time I feel restless or I'm seduced by the 'grass being greener' BB does something whether its a new design or feature that reminds me why I fell in love to begin with. Oddly enough unlike its counterparts the 'new' features blend well and becomes apart of the old frame creating a new, better, upgraded version of what I already loved.

I could go on but I won't but I am reminded of a part of a conversation I had the other night in regards to why I'm still single and the fact that the majority of my peers (friends & family) are married or at least have been married (some are divorced, going through a divorce or if they were honest with themselves shouldn't have gotten married to begin with). The truth is I've been engaged, I've had THE conversations which lead to the proposal and I honestly believe I want to be HAPPILY married 'til death do us part' like the vows state, maybe I do want the fairy tail but what's wrong with that? I refuse to date down! I will not settle! And most importantly I love me so if there isn't anyone who will understand, grow with, love me the way I am then it is what it is but certain things can not & should not be compromised. My heart is one of those things.

Reason, Season or Lifetime

So there's a saying "everything in your life is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime" I take that to mean that every obstacle, person and/or experience comes in your life to teach you something or for a certain time period while others which some would call a soulmate or twin flame are there for a lifetime.

The past few weeks have been a bit much for me emotionally. Funny how in retrospect everything is crystal clear, but when I'm 'going through it' i don't know why or it seems to come 'out of the blue' well I can not and will not pretend to be over him or happy about the outcome however i've decided to let go knowing that I can't dwell on what could have been or the reasons why things turned out the way they have. Its as simple as the idea that their season came, the reason was revealed leaving the conclusion that they weren't meant to last a lifetime.

This theory also includes friendships which may have served there purpose and are no longer necessary. This month i can count two that finally came to an end although their death/burial were long overdue. One I simply outgrew, it still somewhat amazes me the number of friends disappear once your life begins to progress. Whether its a promotion, engagement, addition to the family or just getting your shit together. Most people that call themselves your friends will not be happy for you especially if their life is a bit stagnant. To her i say 'good riddance' i wish her no harm but i do pray that she grows the hell up one day soon whether she does or doesn't i can't say that i really care.

The other actually hurt and left me a bit disappointed. On one hand this person and i had an intimate history and deep down I hoped we'd somehow work out our differences and give love another try. Honestly i knew that he'd never really mature fast enough or completely be the man I'd need him to be. I realized a little while ago that this friendship was draining and served me no purpose but I attempted to overlook it because i did care about his well-being and thought somehow I was assisting in his growth but learning that he shared information with someone who he knew I wouldn't want to know anything about me or what's going on in my life which was the last straw. It showed that not only was he immature but it was also a betrayl of my trust and a lack of respect for my boundaries which i refuse to tolerate from anyone in my life.

I can truthfully say that I am fine with the changes taking place although many times things aren't very comfortable for me they are necessary which is all that really matters. In time my heart will heal and I will become settled in my new life I will force myself to be more outgoing and begin to date and all that jazz. In the meantime I may blog a letter to him saying everything in my head & heart so at least I can finally get it all out as if it were my chance to say all the things I never got the chance to say to him and that will provide the closure I think I need.

regarding matters of MY heart

I ran across a quote that really struck a soft spot, the quote states "your ego gets in the way of all your Heart is trying to say". As i read the words i realized this unknown author was speaking directly to me.

As much as i have grown there's still parts of my heart which remain unavailable, perhaps because it has already been given away, maybe its damaged beyond repair or better yet locked awaiting THE ONE to unleash all of the hidden emotion i've been incapable or unwilling to expose. I can think of 4 men that i have loved deeply, 2 stand out the most: Terrance, the 1st man that i ever loved. Gone too soon & will never be forgotten. Then there's my former 'best friend' too many years, words & broken promises yet my heart aches when we aren't speaking. My mind races with thoughts of him and my body yearns for his touch.

Our last conversation wasn't the worst but it was very clear that it was in fact our last conversation. Now after 5 months i've begun to miss him but my ego/pride won't let me contact him. We've gone through this plenty of times yet he's done too much for me to go back this time (kids, marriage, divorce, lies, avoidance, etc). I believe on some level the ego is there to protect us from disappointment and pain because the heart or love will have you continue behavior which leads to no where. All that matters to love is love 'by any means necessary' which isn't always the best policy especially when someone continues to let you down.

I will admit to loving him, even being in love with him. Honestly i probably always will however i allow my head to take the lead on this one. Keep me sane, talk me off the ledge, walk away, whatever it takes to prevent the blow to my ego and heartache when it comes to a man who will never love me the way i'd need him to.

In this instance love is not stronger than pride but should the fact that i love him outweigh or overpower my better judgment?