The World Outside My Window

"no girl should ever forget: that she doesn’t need anyone who doesn’t need her back". -Marilyn Monroe There's a space in my heart that I have yet to fill, funny thing is I am positive that I've typed this before.  I understand, you cant control who you love; so of course you cant control when to stop loving someone.  Problem is: how do you continue to love someone who doesnt love you?  Better yet, when do you stop loving someone when you've had enough?  I guess if you've actually had enough the feelings or love would stop on its on.......  I have no clue, obviously.  I just want to stop *wipes away the tears*

i feel some type of way when i hear about someone being pregnant, i know that's selfish and "wrong" or whatever but its my truth so I must deal with it.  I also feel some kind of way when a man says to me "you can tell me anything" and when I do, I don't feel the safety he implied with those words.  I feel like I may never get what my heart truly desires: happy marriage, adoring husband, wonderful children, fulfilling career.  I mean I am not expecting some fairy tale but as time slips away and 30 becomes an age of the past, I wonder when and sometimes if at all my time will come. I am doing the work and getting through my progress however am I hung up on someone who will never want the same things as I do?  Is this all just a waste of my time?  Is it time to move on or do I wait a little longer as he shuffles through his circumstances and consequences?  I suppose only time will tell, but the real question is, do I really have time for it?

when making a decision one must factor in the desired outcome.  sometimes I think we blindly choose things without fully debating the "pros" vs. "cons" and understanding the consequences of our action, or sometimes, our inaction.  It seems that people often confuse consequences for circumstances and forgot that they are not the same thing,  A circumstance is like, "the hand that life deals you" and you must make the best out of it.  Whereas a consequence is a direct reflection of a choice, whether it was successful or a failure.  No one is responsible for your consequences but YOU however some may say that others contribute to your circumstances.  Either way, you alone must become the master of your fate and shape the journey so that it takes you to your desired destination. lately, I've noticed many people create situations for themselves which are clear consequences of poor decisions and call them "circumstances" and figure they just have...

'Inside every confident, driven, single woman. Is there a delicate, fragile princess just waiting to be saved?' ~ Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City The other night lying in bed debating on sending a text or not (I chose, not!) I realized, when it comes to men I often do things to receive a response, reply, action but most importantly ATTENTION. I guess that's not a bad thing, depending how you perceive it... The problem is, I don't see where its gotten me thus far which is why I didn't send anything. As much as I love, miss, want, and at times dare I say need him I refuse to settle for a series of 'responses'. Makes me wonder: is your life so busy that you don't have the time to reach out to me and initiate a conversation? Or, are you too lazy to do it because you assume I'll take the lead, every time? Then the question of all questions, do you just not want to or think its necessary to communicate with me on a regular basis??!?! I'm tired!...

"This week the last pass of the ongoing opposition between Saturn and Uranus takes place. Saturn is in Libra and moving forward, while Uranus is in Aries and is retrograde. It is time to find your inner balance while also taking advantage of this opportunity to shed old fears, patterns, negative emotions, and other sticky energies. By doing so, you can create space to grow into the person you were always meant to be." Okay, so the above was copied & pasted from MSN Horoscopes today which explains so much right now. This week has been extremely 'odd' however I couldn't quite put my finger on it so to speak. For the most part I blamed pms and unsettled hormones which may have been caused by the stars, planets and such. Especially since my astrological sign is 'ruled' by Saturn I'm sure for those who truly believe in this concept it speaks for itself. In retrospect it does make sense; at least to me. I've felt deja vu a couple times this week, v...

i would like to get on an airplane and disappear lol like the song says "im leaving on an airplane and i dont know if i'll be back again" funny i dont recall the exact lyrics or the name of the artist but randomly that line jumps in my head and i dream of a day when i can pack a back and go.  i envision a small bag with the bare necessities and i'd buy whatever i needed as i travelled.  that would be so awesome! especially as i feel overwhelmed by the direction my life has taken.  for a brief while i had become very passive with my career choices, kind of making rash decisions or just plain not thinking things through leaving me in a place where i am not happy or passionate about what i do for a living.  i appreciate the fact that i have employment especially during these hard economic times however i feel like i need to make a difference and i am not doing that at this time. which is another reason for this much needed vacation: peace of mind! i need to cle...

I've started several entries to no avail, I guess my heart just wasn't in any of them. I even considered deleting all of my prior 'thoughts' and starting anew but what good would that do? I've scrapped things in the past: people, phone numbers, blogs, you name it but those days are over. With all that said I decided not to erase everything simply because they are somewhat preoccupied with a certain someone the truth is, I felt those things. I still feel those things so why erase them as if that will magically erase the love or the hurt. I completely understand that I am a work in progress striving to be a better me but I still love him. I pray that one day I'll love him less, until its not at all. It helps when I don't talk about him or think too much of our history (ancient and that of recent days) today was not one of those days. I was often reminded of the latest hurts and I began to miss him. I even considered texting but thought it'd be in my bes...

Now, now, now, honey You better sit down and look around Cause you must've bumped yo' head And I love you enough to talk some sense back into you, baby I'd hate to see you come home, me the kids And the dog is gone Check my credentials... I give you everything you want everything you need Even your friends say I'm a good woman All I need to know is why? Why don't you love me? Tell me, baby, why don't you love me When I make me so damn easy to love? And why don't you need me? Tell me, baby, why don't you need me When I make me so damn easy to need? I got beauty, I got class I got style, and I got @ss And you don't even care to care Looka here I even put money in the bank account Don't have to ask no one to help me out You don't even notice that Why don't you love me? Tell me, baby, why don't you love me When I make me so damn easy to love? Why don't you need me? Tell me, baby, why don't you need m...

had a wonderful Mother's Day. Spent it w/the love of my life & my fav! Funny how I recall carrying him n my tummy & talking/reading to him. I remember praying to GOD for a healthy, happy child & the skills to provide, nurture & teach him. Over the past 10 yrs I know GOD heard me. I almost shed tears. I am truly proud of how brilliant, caring, loving, happy and funny my son is. Very well rounded my heart is smiling

vul·ner·a·ble adj. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. The funny thing about loving someone is the risk you take when you decide to be completely *open*. Being open requires you to become vulnerable in hopes that the person feels the same, or returns similar openness to you. Well what happens when you choose to be open and the other person does not? Do you continue, or is it wise to hold back? However if both person are picking and choosing what to share with one another what type of relationship/friendship can come from that? Yet if one person is open and the other person is not, it is clear that the person who is sharing their all is most *susceptible to emotional injury* so I guess the question then becomes: is it worth it? That I suppose can only be measured by how much this friendship means to the person who's likely to become a victim of it. But is victim the right word? I find myself in a very odd situation because I have to make a decision to either open my...

Ooh, you're searching for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh, you're thirsting for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh, you did it all again, you broke another skin It's hard to believe this time, hard to believe That my heart, my heart's an open door You got all you came for, baby So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride's worth Is bigger than the pain you got for it hurts And out runs all of the sadness It's terrifying, life, through the darkness And I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again I'd do it all again, I'd do it all again You try sometimes but it won't stop You got my heart and my head's lost, ooh yeah I've been burning down these candles for love, for love So weary, someone to love is bigger than your pride Ooh, someone to love, mm, someone to love Someone to love Ooh, you're searching for something I know, won't make you happy Ooh

when he's not around I can't sleep & I have no appetite. when I make myself eat (b/c I know I have to) food has no taste I just need him close to me *sigh* to feel his breath on my neck, his look as our eyes meet & the way my body feels when he touches me

I try my best not to get my hopes up when it comes to him... yet for some reason I can't just let go completely :-/

Okay so he came for "a couple days" which was actually a week and did not make any real effort to see me. The one day he did the time of arrival changed multiple times for various reasons however didn't happen because I live "too far". I will admit I was initially disappointed and hurt mostly because this is the same person (I almost typed 'man' but realized that would not have described him appropriately) who I've driven an hour and 13 minutes (from Los Angeles to Oxnard, yes, I google mapped it just to be sure) to see numerous times AND this is the same guy who asked & expected me to visit him clear across the country. Which my foolishly 'in love' ass was prepared to do without blinking an eyelid. The epiphany occurred as I prepared and eagerly awaited his arrival to realize that he wasn't coming long before the confirmation. I kept thinking 'he's just not that into you' not because I doubt that he loves me, which I ...

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control" So I noticed that I posted the above quote twice lol back to back. Crazy thing is: minus the 'title' and 'label' the posts were identical. Both times a certain someone came to mind and I wanted to record the thought that captured my feelings toward *him. I recall him saying that he'd sent a message to me prior to our initial meeting and I didn't remember, according to him I didn't respond then coincidentally we become friends through a chat room of mutual friend only to build an extraordinary bond that has seen its ups and downs for the past 8 years. That to me sounds a bit like fate which is why this quote hit so close to home. Out of the number of internet friends that particular chat room created I don't speak to any of them. However with him through our periods of not speaking no matter how hard I try to fight it, it doesn't...

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control

I think some people are truly scared of being loved FOR REAL so they tend to go back to the person that really make them comfortable. The person who makes it easy for them; that way they aren't required to take the next step are grow with the other person. They can remain dumb and stagnant or content with mediocrity. sometimes they honestly don't know how OR don't believe they deserve to be loved in return sometimes you just have to take the good times & remind yourself that its over for a reason because you'll never figure out the mind of a man who goes back rather than grow forward. yet that's the path he chose so I gotta know I'm better off without him. my ♥ aches but I rather deal with it now & heal (eventually) than to have an aching ♥ WITH the man who claims to love me ... Clearly he's just not the one FOR me and one day he will no longer be a thought or memory. One day I won't see his face when I close my eyes or hear is voice as I r...

I was the one I who could Pull in all the stars above Lay them on your feet And I gave you my love You are the one that got me started You could have let me Love anyone but I only wanted you So why did you make me cry Why didn't you come get me one last time You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll always know the reason why this love Reason why this love Aint gonna let you go You lay me down and left me for the lions A long, long time ago You left me there dying But you'll never let me go You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll always know the reason why this love Reason why this love Aint gonna let you go You'll always know the reason why The song you heard Will stay on your mind It aint gonna let you go, no Cos you were the moon And I the endless sky You'll always know the reason why We could have had the moon and the sky You'll alwa...

'I was just thinking about you, wondering what you doing I mean what you've been up to I know its wrong feeling this strong let me take a second minute I will think this thing through Remember all the moments for two, how we used to Oh yeah But the reality honestly...you where never good for me and I was never good for you. I just remember what we used to do..' Lately whenever my mind travels to thoughts of him I am reminded of the Jill Scott song in which she reminisces of a past lover who 'stretched her limbs across the bed and showed her where the climax was at' whewwwwwww yes! That would be YOU *wipes away the tears* anyway she paints a vivid picture of the love they shared. I know if I pick up this phone, write this letter, send this '2way/text' I'm gone say some things and you're gonna say some things that we both don't need to say. In the end regardless of the connection if its only physical the contact isn't worth the h...

My heart hurts more than it has in a very long time. I feel as if apart of me died. I wish I could sleep and avoid the reality of this pain.

One of my favorite songs is 'hope that its you' by Donnell Jones. The melody is very soothing and heartfelt as he sings about the love in which he longs for 'hope that you're qualified to give me love and affection'.... 'Someone who can satisfy my every little need, I hope that its you' That song comes to mind at this moment because I finally realize why I haven't been able to let certain people go. Recently I've entertained conversations with a friend/ex or whatever where he has expressed his love and admiration for me. I will admit that I love him, often I've thought of the possibility of 'us' however in the back off my mind, pit of my belly, deep in my heart I know that he is not the one. Awaiting his visit I became restless and excited until a day or two before during a conversation when he decided to give me a disclaimer to later disclose that he was 'just joking' :-/ I was immediately turned OFF and wished I could get out ...

"had an epiphany! the love we share is so real, if only I met a man who I could love as much as my blackberry *sigh* it 'completes me' " Okay it started as a joke in my facebook status but as the responses came in about how crazy (I assume in the funny as well as mentally unstable use of the word) I am I began to actually give my statement some thought. For starters Blackberry and I have been together since around 2004 (give or take) that's 6 years which is light-years longer than any of my recent relationships; which usually tap out around the 1 year mark however due to laziness, comfort, routine, etc I'll continue to entertain an 'ole faithful' so I won't be forced to actually date or meet new people. Both of which are my least favorite things to do mainly because dating and meeting new people reminds me of how 'different' I really am: humor, logic, emotions, etc are very much unlike 99.9% of others especially those in my age bracket and...

So there's a saying "everything in your life is here for a reason, a season or a lifetime" I take that to mean that every obstacle, person and/or experience comes in your life to teach you something or for a certain time period while others which some would call a soulmate or twin flame are there for a lifetime. The past few weeks have been a bit much for me emotionally. Funny how in retrospect everything is crystal clear, but when I'm 'going through it' i don't know why or it seems to come 'out of the blue' well I can not and will not pretend to be over him or happy about the outcome however i've decided to let go knowing that I can't dwell on what could have been or the reasons why things turned out the way they have. Its as simple as the idea that their season came, the reason was revealed leaving the conclusion that they weren't meant to last a lifetime. This theory also includes friendships which may have served there purpose an...

I ran across a quote that really struck a soft spot, the quote states "your ego gets in the way of all your Heart is trying to say". As i read the words i realized this unknown author was speaking directly to me. As much as i have grown there's still parts of my heart which remain unavailable, perhaps because it has already been given away, maybe its damaged beyond repair or better yet locked awaiting THE ONE to unleash all of the hidden emotion i've been incapable or unwilling to expose. I can think of 4 men that i have loved deeply, 2 stand out the most: Terrance, the 1st man that i ever loved. Gone too soon & will never be forgotten. Then there's my former 'best friend' too many years, words & broken promises yet my heart aches when we aren't speaking. My mind races with thoughts of him and my body yearns for his touch. Our last conversation wasn't the worst but it was very clear that it was in fact our last conversation. Now afte...