One of my favorite songs is 'hope that its you' by Donnell Jones. The melody is very soothing and heartfelt as he sings about the love in which he longs for 'hope that you're qualified to give me love and affection'.... 'Someone who can satisfy my every little need, I hope that its you'
That song comes to mind at this moment because I finally realize why I haven't been able to let certain people go. Recently I've entertained conversations with a friend/ex or whatever where he has expressed his love and admiration for me. I will admit that I love him, often I've thought of the possibility of 'us' however in the back off my mind, pit of my belly, deep in my heart I know that he is not the one. Awaiting his visit I became restless and excited until a day or two before during a conversation when he decided to give me a disclaimer to later disclose that he was 'just joking' :-/ I was immediately turned OFF and wished I could get out of the plans we somewhat made. What was done is done, I told myself and decided to make the best of it and prepare as if he hadn't hurt my feelings.
Friday night is here and he's in town I meet him and his family at a hole-in-the-wall club where I hadn't planned to stay too long. I was tired and just wanted to be home with him all too myself (MODED) so we finally leave this place at nearly 3am and I think FINALLY homeward bound! WRONG everyone's hungry, except me so now I have to sit through a meal at Denny's right down the street from the place that has been hell on earth for the past year of my life. I try to disguise my feelings and focus on him and the fun with him brother and mother while I pretend to be uber tired from my long day at work thinking/hoping/praying that they'd catch the hint and we all can go. My prayers are finally answered and we're on our way.
I hadn't realized how vulnerable it is to have a man you care about in your home for the first time. He looked around and complimented my 'sexy' apartment which meant a lot. He showered as I undressed and watched tv in bed awaiting for him to join me. It was nice but he didn't make a move so now I'm debating if I should yet not wanting to because as a woman of a certain age I believe the man should make the moves especially in the above mentioned circumstances. Anyway a move is made and he follows my lead. We have sex, not earth shaking or mind blowing but considering its been quite sometime since my last time it was much needed and appreciated. The next morning he hung my mirror, the one that's been propped against my wall since July. The one others walked right past and never even hinted about putting it in its place. At that moment I thought 'maybe we could work' 'I hope you're the one' That is until he left, with his belongings. I was under the impression that he'd be staying with me while he was here, not 24/7 but sleeping here so when I mentioned his suitcase by the door and was given a lame answer in my heart I knew he wasn't coming back. I took him to his destination and exchanged a kiss while he asked what I had planned for the remainder of my day and that he'd call. Glad I didn't hold my breath! No call, no text, no nada. I needed him to come back or call and he didn't do either. This hurts more than i expected for so many reasons. This is what i was afraid of and why i don't 'live in the moment'.
Although I love him and in his own way I believe he loves me, this is exactly why I've decided not to engage in casual relations; its a quick fix followed by hurt, emptiness and the worst of all loneliness. Now I lay in the bed we shared and I can smell him and be reminded of the expression we exchanged and hurt all over again. Thinking today about the saying 'its better to have loved and lost rather to have never loved at all' well that doesn't work for me. I'd rather forgo the love in order to bypass the pain. I can't believe I allowed this to happen and as I lay in bed replaying our encounter I am reminded of what a fool I must be to actually think he and I could be any more than we've ever been.
And at this moment I would love more than anything to never speak to him again.
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