The World Outside My Window

I recall posting throughout the years about seeking to be more responsible; thinking things would magically come together and I could tackle each area of my life one by one; boy, was I wrong.  Shortly after I discovered an avalanche of "trouble" and overwhelming feelings ranging from disbelief to confusion; eventually got things on track for the better.  That's usually when we take a sigh of relief and "Thank GOD, that's over".  The past few days I've had thoughts about "Getting Over" something, which to me is the lighter or "easier" way around various challenges life may bring.  I find this process takes much longer because of the amount of time denying there's anything to get over in the first place.  Then once we come to terms with the reality of the matter some may sweep it under the rug only to trip over it somewhere down the line.  This year has shown many ups and downs for me, however this time I am seeking a deeper unde...

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

"Don’t leave my Ocean for shallow Waters then ask me about the Moon." ~ Dream Hampton I can feel you attempting to summons me; like you've always done. If you can't tell, I'm ignoring you!   I've written about it before, however I find myself in a completely different level of bullshit that I refuse to entertain. I've decided to address it/ them so it's known that "I'm Real".  Feathers: Angry Birds, Pigeons & Chickenheads Some of your last words to me were "this isn't friendship; this is business." you made no effort to help in my time of need after all the advice, interventions and loyalty shown to you. You betrayed me on a level I've never known; getting over that was to me what I imagine it would be like to end an abusive marriage. Then to put the nails in the coffin, you said as a final remark, "go to your family and get a husband because I've already found mine".... Let's not forget, you got ri...

I've been to the East many times before, however never in this capacity. Everything appears the same as I remember, yet there's something altogether different this time. The Sky I adore is the same, but the Stars are brighter and the weather remains neutral; while the Sun and Moon battle to display their altered states of Being in this foreign land.  In some ways I expected the experience to be the way it has and on other days I long to return to the Sea. The Shore gives me hope of endless possibilities, and a bit of intrigue as at times I debate taking an anchor and returning to my Mermaid Life. Then I remember the Ones I'd leave behind, along with the Ones who would actually notice and care that I was no more. So I embrace this place called Earth; Lightyears from "Home" and plot to build the Empire I see in my memories. Rediscovering ways to intertwine the lives I left behind, my newfound fantasies, along with this reality. All with the knowing that I am co-...

If you've ever dealt with a situation or circumstance mostly out of your control it is inevitable that you will experience some level of frustration, stress and/or annoyance.  You will encounter "representatives" who are either incompetent, inefficient or both. All of which I have a very low patience for ( insert heavy sigh here ). Especially when people act as if they are doing you a favor by half ass doing their job, it amazes me how often I've come across this experience since the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack in September 2012. I've encountered the most unprofessional company I think I've ever experienced in my life, the unhelpful gentleman did not acknowledge my request to speak with a supervisor however continued to repeat information that I already advised him of when I initially requested to speak with higher management.  As he was made aware, although I appreciate his efforts, I need to speak with someone with the authority...

I've been trying to re-establish a relationship friendship for the past 6+ months to no avail.  In the past when dealing with this person, I wasn't completely myself.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I was myself,  just a very narrow view of me, the part that didn't have to express much or put myself "out there".  We continued to have the same arguments with the same agreement, yet nothing ever REALLY improved.  I then began to be myself, completely, unapologetically and still, no improvement.  So as the new year arrived and my birthday approached I realized that although we agreed to remain friends, that person has not been a friend to me however I've remained a friend to them (or at least put forth  a huge effort to do so).    I then decided that it was officially time to move forward, no announcements necessary, just do it .  I realized the decision stirred up some type of emotion and I can't quite put my finger on what it...

"Leave My Body" Florence + the Machine Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the scripture which speaks of how "being absent from the body is to be present with The Lord."   At times, I pray to leave my body, even if it's just for a few moments or a day or two.  I honestly believe this may have happened a time or two, for example when I had the car accident (see, Saturday, November 5, 2005 ) and was unconscious for an unknown period of time.  Like, what happens during that space in time?  Or when people are in a coma or whatever, I know what scientist say, however I believe that may be a time when you (generally speaking) may be in the presence of The Lord.  I don't know why this was on my mind this morning, well actually, let me explain . I'm up, dressed, out the door and in the car.  As I pull off I realize there's something wrong with my car and I intend to be somewhere at a certain time to assist in the preparation for a meeting.  A...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a "God is Love" 1 John 4:8  "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16b     With various thoughts over the past week, I see now more than ever how "we" may pray for certain things to occur and when they actually happen "we" run away or do something/anything to sabotage the desired outcome.  I'm not quite sure how many times I've done this myself.  I guess it's the fear, but of what?  What exactly is it that holds us back?     As I headed to the gym at approximately 11 pm I felt afraid, like, something would happen.  Perhaps because I'd be there alone, but in this moment I could have chosen to turn back to the comfort of home or face the fear, the thoughts of my bikini body and the lovely clothes I plan to purchase (soon).  I chose the gym and I felt amazing afterwards!  Then I think back on how unhappy I was and the fact...

Yesterday as I prepared for him to return home, my anxiety was at an all-time high.  I used all of my "de-stress" techniques in order to hold back the tears, yet somehow I almost didn't make it.  The fact that he knows me like no one else amazes me, I guess that's what happens after 10+ years of friendship.  Not just knowing someone for a long time, but REALLY listening and learning who that person is.  Over the course of the time spent together I'd been reminded of how much I let him into my heart.  Like, he knows my secrets, my flaws, my dreams, my silliness... he knows ME   As he gathered his belongings and we set out to take care of the few things left on his "to-do" list, I became distant.  He asked several times "what's on your mind?" my reply "nothing" yet we both knew there was a lot I wasn't saying, he just didn't know what it was exactly.  He accepted the fact that I chose not to share my thoughts and we tri...

One of my favorite movies, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was inspired by the poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope. The piece which I guess inspired the movie states: How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd; Labour and rest, that equal periods keep; "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;" Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n, Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n. I remember stumbling upon it after it came out, I'm not sure how well it did in theaters, but even today when I mention it most have never heard of it. It's basically about a couple and the ups and downs of a relationship. Somehow the leading lady discovers a procedure where you can have all of your "unwanted" memories erased. Later, the leading man discovers this and opts ...

I used to believe he was "the one" however the path he chose and the choices he's made won't allow us to be together. I no longer hold it against him, in all honestly how could I? Sometimes I even understand on a certain level why he is the way he is; other times it baffles me. I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me". This time I tried for as long as I could, to go wi...

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, then it isn’t worth having.” copied from @TheLoveAid

Last weekend while visiting family I had a moment of sadness, I confided in my cousin who has become my "love guru". As I allowed a part of the "old" me to hold back the tears, I expressed to her how after my interaction with a certain someone I seem to feel sad. She explained to me how that is an unhealthy situation to be in and I should not allow anyone to alter my energy in a way which is not positive. I agreed completely and promptly deleted his information. The remainder of the evening, the sadness lingered. Of course the last thing I need in my current state is to allow sadness to set in as I'm fighting depression. I refused to return to that space, I'm doing everything I can and to be honest it gets hard sometimes. It would be so easy to press snooze rather than run or hike or clean my house, but when I slept and/or drank my life away I was miserable! However as I drove home and throughout the evening I was reminded of various things he'd expresse...

Last night I felt some type of way, I don't know how to put the feelings into words.  Soon after I received a call from my Daddy, he just wanted to check on me and see how my day went.  In the conversation I mentioned that I was headed to bible class and he made me promise to call him when I was done.  So as I am heading home I remember to call him, he then asks if I need anything and tells me to "stop by sometime so I can give you something".  I could tell that he wanted to see me since I'd expressed to him that my week hadn't been the best.    I recall a conversation we had last week where he mentioned the time "1:18" the numbers represent my birthday, he stated that he always thinks of me at that time.  He says the most amazing things to me at just the right time, making my heart smile always.  I arrive at his place and he hands me money, we then go to the store and he asks if I want or need anything.  In an instance when I said out loud t...

He says I "do too much", how is it possible to express your love, care and/or concern for someone "too much"? The interesting part of it all is; what he feels is too much is actually my bare minimum. Yet when I'm silent or fed up he's upset, lately our communication has been a disaster. Thankfully, no arguments, but as quickly as I thought we were on the same page his next communication let me know that we weren't. We aren't even in the same book, or the same section. I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work. I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me becau...

About a week ago I had a dream, it was all too familiar yet completely different.  I dreamt that I was telling that same guy who occuplied so much of my heart for so many years that I was getting married. When I woke up, the feeling of truth overwhelmed me.  As if this dream was filled with so much possibility.  I quickly emailed him and formed my words from a space of love and to be informative.  I recalled having this feeling once before, which is why I knew I could not keep these thoughts to myself.  The last time I had this feeling was about 4 years ago after he expressed to me that he was getting married to a woman he'd barely known for a few months.  I asked if she were pregnant and he assured me that she wasn't, but I knew better.  To avoid an argument I "accepted" this lie and continued with my life.  I began to have dreams of his unhappiness and how he was making a huge mistake however I refused to be the one to say this to him....

"In every moment you have a choice to express your Heart or your Ego. Let your heart win." The ever present debate between my heart and my ego joins us in 2011. As much as I would have liked to be over this issue and "on to the next one" there's something thats holding me right where I am. I do not understand the purpose, mainly because it doesnt seem to serve me in ANY way. I try to make sense of it all by saying that I just dont know the bigger picture, but often times I am not so sure there is a bigger picture with "us". I wont deny the fact that I love him, I admit that. I dont know how deep this love goes because I've never experienced anything like this. Is it the challenge of him not wanting me? Is it the guilt of the many times I've hurt him? Is it the timing of losing my best friend and meeting him? Is this fate? Is he my soulmate? I have none of those answers, as much as I wish I did. I wished that I could be more social, outgoing...