Habits

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perhaps towards the end of last year actually.  I've been fighting a feeling which has shown itself to be a bad habit for me.  I made the decision to detach and allow my feelings the opportunity to process and heal, unaware of the void it would create in my writing.   I am unsure how to patch the location of my heart which is now missing. In the past I would have written about it, now I feel as if I am allowing the memories to fade, as if the experience never occurred.  So writing about it, would only further my torment.  

During meditation this afternoon I had a thought, wondering how I know if I am following the right "journey". With decisions and circumstances I find my life a bit derailed from the picture I painted prior to the diagnoses and effects of the disorders.  Often times I am faced with some of my worst fears/ nightmares and as I pray and navigate through what I believe is the right way for me, I find myself deeper and deeper in an abyss.  At times I don't know which way to sanity while other times I am confronted by such harsh realities I find comfort in my tears and happiness in sleep.  I suppose as the journey continues I'll know in the end as I continue to course correct my journey which prayerfully leads to the dreams I have come to hold dear to my heart.