I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry. My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur. After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed. Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway. I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail. Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered. I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed?
I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the table" as if I ate my way into this state of Being. Which of course triggered some emotional eating, as I've mentioned before on the Blog I battle that from time to time. Rather than explaining myself to people who've already passed judgement upon me and what they think I'm going through, I've chosen to distance myself. The part that truly pissed me off more than anything was: as the symptoms continue to reveal themselves I've let all of my Doctor's know every step of the way and what did they do? One Doctor simply increased the dosage of the medication which caused the issues in the first place and the second Doctor recently prescribed another Anxiety medication which upon research has all of the same exact side effects of the previous prescription...
To say I am fed up with the way Mental Health is treated would be an understatement! I will not disclose all of the conditions/ issues I battle however if left in the hands of my Doctor's I would be on medication for Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Nausea as well as Migraines; going from two medications to nearly 5 or more; a lifestyle I refuse to enter. For years I watched someone very close to me battle with various conditions which required medication and from one thing to another I witnessed the increase in prescriptions from the major issue to controlling the side effects of each pill. Going into this I informed my Doctor that I refuse to live my life that way, especially if this condition is something I will battle for the rest of my life. Since that conversation Doctor's have changed, but my sentiments have remained the same. After my last hospitalization, due to circumstances out of my control I agreed to give the meds another try and this was the result I was hoping to avoid.
I spent the past few days battling insomnia, sleepless nights which turn to morning, however last night was the worst. Filled with vomiting and various pains, it took everything in me not to call the paramedic or go to the hospital; I am afraid of what that may trigger. Adding more stress to an already stressful, unhappy and challenging situation. In May 2015 I decided I would discontinue my meds and begin detoxing, so I chalked it up to the possibility of the remains of the medications leaving my body and I'd just suffer through it unless it continued. I feel slightly better, knowing that what I suspected, not quite from the beginning, but once it was crystal clear that I was not with child and I was not simply over-endulging I feel a slight sigh of relief. Trouble is, I don't know what to do from this point. I don't know how to reverse the damage done to my body and I feel guilty for once again allowing various things within my control to effect me physically, mentally and emotionally. I want to cry and stay in bed, but that solves nothing. I intend to speak with my therapist as well as the psychiatrist which prescribed the last meds. I feel as if I now have to research alternatives which will be more in the scope of my best interests. Honestly, if I have to I'll choose "skinny and crazy" over "fat and stable" all day. I know that may seem superficial, but when you battle Severe Depression, body image can be rather damaging and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin any longer.
For those of you who battle mental health, I am not suggesting that you go off your meds. Your plan of treatment is between you and your health care provider(s). Nevertheless, what works for me or what I am willing to do for my health and the way I see myself is solely my right as well as my decision. So I will discuss a more natural approach to coping with my mental health conditions which for me includes medicinal marijuana which according to the Doctor's isn't good for treating such conditions although various (reputable) studies have proven otherwise. I know I can not do this alone, especially choosing the route less encouraged by modern medicine, however I know what's best for me and my body; and since (according to Doctor's) I will have this condition for the remainder of my life I am determined to look and feel as best as I can while battling it.
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