Anxiety in Capricorn: Balancing

The most interesting thing about dealing with Anxiety Disorder for me has been self discovery. Naturally I am a curious person, I like to know how things operate so I observe and analyze (usually over-analyzing); which explains my fascination with psychology, specifically behavioral psychology.  As an only child I spent a lot of time with myself, so prior to the incident(s) triggering the Disorder I felt as if I knew myself to my "core".  I recall a conversation with my first therapist where she explained how we all have certain levels of anxiety (and/or any other "issue" which require awareness). Some people may have a higher tolerance while others may be predisposed to a Disorder, perhaps genetically or through conditioning (nature vs. nurture). I was aware of the concept however it's something totally different when you are now the "subject". I am reminded of a conversation I had about a year ago with my Mother, I'm not sure how it began but we were sitting on the beach and somehow she started talking about me as a young child. She told me initially I was left-handed, however she thought it would be easier (for her) to train me to be right-handed instead. It's funny how something which may be so insignificant to someone else could make the world of a difference to you. Surprisingly, that information was like a missing piece to a puzzle. For years I'd practice things with my left hand mainly because it felt more natural to me. Throughout the years I still practice with the goal in mind to become ambidextrous (so far I still have a long way to go lol). 

As I've shared recently after Chakra tuning and incorporating yoga into my routine I could feel myself open a new space within. With Anxiety Disorder the balance seems to change often; sometimes daily. It's become a job within itself. Some days I resent it, as if it's this thing sucking the joy from my day. I hate how selfish, self-centered and self-absorbed it is. Once Anxiety enters the picture with its "band of misfits" the focus of my life turns from whatever task or activity I'm enjoying to managing hormone and stress levels. Once I understood things from a different perspective I then began to transition from vinyasa yoga to kundalini, doing so brought about a type of balance I hadn't experienced. Shortly after making this change I encountered a couple of incidents where someone I had to speak with attempted to shame me for various conditions as well as choices I've made for my self. It took much prayer and many deep breaths, but I was able to get through those conversations without losing my temper or allowing my emotions to speak on my behalf. Each day has been quite different, yet I'm learning to accept the challenge that i have been affected by and to allow my thoughts, feelings, desires to flow freely within. 

I guess the balance comes when I allow those moments to occur within the appropriate outlet. It's still a work in progress and as I dive deeper into the Ieg-shaking, mind-blown state of absolute bliss discovered through my kundalini exercises, time will heal as it has been known to do. 

Namasté

Anxiety in Capricorn: The Alliance

Once again, I'm not sure how far I want to go back, or how much I would like to share as this post is quite different from the battle which was/is, "The Struggle".  I guess I'll just keep it within the past few days and see where it goes...

As I mentioned I'd gotten back to the "atmosphere" within myself that I've designated my "Sweet Escape", shortly after for various reasons I found myself in a state of high anxiety ending with tears.  Monday, I knew "the Feelings" weren't going anywhere and I'd need to increase the effort relating to the techniques learned through experience, research and therapy in hopes the Anxiety wouldn't escalate or create an attack.  I figured I'd begin with washing my hair and from there my mood should improve.  It's clear that would not be enough, so I began to meditate which lead to the realization that my "yin and yang" were out of sync.  I began searching online for articles, studies, etc. which would shed some light as well as help with restoring balance and provide understanding.  Although I did grasp a different perspective I decided that it was officially "wine o'clock", as a coping mechanism.  Now I'm beginning to feel better and I'm ready to run; well my phone had other plans and needed to remain on the charger. So now I'm "trapped" inside my head where I am already struggling to find peace or comfort.  Once the mood and wine settle in "the Feelings" got even deeper, which only leaves room for something else to pop up; as that's been my experience with the disorder.  Sure enough I want to sleep, but Insomnia has arrived to mingle with my slightly drunk, depressed, anxious mind frame.  Since I'm no stranger to how this works (to an extent) I pop 10 mg's of Melatonin and I'm off to my Dreams.

Tuesday I attempt to ensure there's no repeat of these feelings so I begin my routine along with a bit of Chakra Tuning to help me balance my energy.  This time the phone dies again, but the difference is, I don't care.  I am enjoying the Sun and the energy being created by the meditation, music and vibration within.  Now I have that urge to write; the thoughts are flowing and I begin to sort them out.  As I've shared with Twitter, I believe there's a difference between a person's private, personal and/or sacred thoughts.  I believe that's the Capricorn in me; I can be extremely private, some would say "secretive"; however I believe that's all in having a different perspective regarding boundaries.  I won't even touch on that topic right now, lol.   As I'm noticing my overall well-being is improving (internally) I begin adding a few other supplements to my diet and increase my level of fitness while making sure to stay hydrated. In the hopes of avoiding Insomnia, I reduce the dosage of Melatonin since I have an early day scheduled for Wednesday. 

Everything's working out fine, that is until the wee hours of the morning when I'm awakened from my Dreams.  I have no clue how it happened, but I'm awake and the concept of sleep is completely out of the picture.  Initially I was grumpy, then figuring "it is, what it is" I have a thought to go running, but the Sun isn't even up yet.  I allow the thoughts to wander ending on the desire to read a bit of the book "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill.  I read it years ago and make a point to refresh sporadically.  Day breaks and I cant get my shoes on fast enough!  I begin to walk and I can feel my legs wanting me to run; I hadn't experienced that feeling in quite some time.  I decide to run a familiar route which leads to Starbucks, as I am considering what to order, I realize, I feel like my "old self", so rather than getting my "usual" I opted for my "signature" drink.  I'd drifted away from it after one too many people made comment about how "complicated" it was.  One more thing I now could care less about; I chatted with the barista who was quite pleasant, ordered my drink and decided to take a seat and relax a bit before I had to get going with the rest of my day.  As I'm sitting I read the sleeve of the cup which has a quote by Oprah Winfrey, what a "coincidence" since I was just reading about the importance of having a proper Mastermind Alliance.

I mentioned before how I feel anxiety seems to take some type of sadistic pleasure in exposing my weakness to the World, but in those moments where there's balance, for me, it feels as if all of my strengths are heightened.  Highlighting my "quirks" such as "the Perfectionist", "OCD" and my favorite, "the Night Owl".  Some of the details get faded, but I do recall taking a Chakra Test in order to pin point which Chakra(s) needed a bit more of my (undivided) attention. During my usual meditation, I had a moment of sickness, as the toxins were leaving my body I could literally feel the moment when ALL of my Chakra's opened.  It felt... ah-mazing!  My thoughts and a conversation lead to doing a Natal Chart Report, which I knew some of the information, but this time I took a more in-depth look and better understood the correlation of Sun, Moon and Rising Signs.  I can't put into words how much clarity I obtained about myself once I was able to process that information.  I wont go into further detail as I am still learning and understanding however, I am praying for this state of being to remain as it is when I feel my absolute best, I am aware that "life happens" so I will continue to do what I know/learn/feel to do in order to "remain" in alignment. 

I must also say, how grateful I am to be able to share my experience(s) again and free myself of some of the weight in holding so much inside.  I truly appreciate all of the feedback; I also hope that something I've shared may assist you on your journey, no matter which phase or season you find yourself in. 

Blessings.

 

Anxiety in Capricorn: The Struggle

It's approaching two years since I was first diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder", prior to that time I had no care or concern for mental health, mental illness or anything associated with it. Not from a standpoint of not having empathy or compassion for those who suffer from it or have loved ones battling various conditions; it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" as I've never really had anyone close to me battle such "d'evils". I won't go into detail regarding how it became a part of my life, however in previous posts I have shared somewhat how it effects me. 

I recall last year being the worst with it (to date), that was when I truly learned by experience how much different my life had become.  The Anxiety attacks had become more frequent as well as migraine headaches, insomnia, eczema and other symptoms associated with the disorder. I know of a time or a few where I'd gone into an anxiety attack and completely blacked out, not remembering anything that occurred leading up to or during the experience. On one occasion I was later informed that I had driven somewhere in that state; I don't believe that to be true, however I don't know that it is not. Since then I have tried my hardest to "control" my Anxiety. Up until recently that had been the majority of my focus; to appear "normal" for various reasons. After realizing the side effects of prescribed medications were becoming overwhelming I increased natural remedies including herbs, vitamins, foods, as well as activities which promote a healthy balance within. Such as increasing my time of prayer, fasting, meditating, etc. yet at times realizing the fact that many of the things I'd worked extremely hard to accomplish we're disappearing and it was all beyond my control. That may be the hardest thing for a Capricorn to process; loss of control. Which, is the essence of who "we" are described to be: "The Authoritative One of the Zodiac".  

Recently I had this eerie "déjà vu" due to a series of events which caused me to panic. Knowing left unattended will morph into an anxiety attack and I will be powerless to stop it if it reaches a certain level of intensity.   As a Capricorn I already have various "quirks", of which I've grown to either accept or correct. Some I acknowledge as zodiac sterotyping so it doesn't really affect me one way or another. Being on the cusp may play a part in that; since I was somewhat close to being an Aquarius, there are times when I don't quite identify with all that a "Capricorn" is supposed to be. A few life decisions or should I say experiences make it difficult to accept labels of any type, as no one is any one thing.  Nevertheless, I believe all of the elements in place (God, the Sun, Moon, Planets, etc.) are greatly important to the course of a persons life. Seeing how God created everything in a decent and orderly fashion on some level it just makes sense (to me) that all of these things "work together for the good". So as I began cleansing in May of this year as well as participating (somewhat) in Ramadan I've rediscovered a space of "being" that feels most like "home" to me. 

The other day some things happened and it threw me completely off track. I'd found my "Sweet Escape", a space where I feel my Heart is safe and free to be as wild as it's allowed to be. I'd given myself permission to be vulnerable and hear the "words" my Heart spoke without criticism, judgement or boundaries. As I'm basking in this atmosphere "the Feelings" jump out of nowhere and I become a fucking mess! Next thing I know, without missing a beat here comes Anxiety to add fuel to the fire; it begins with a headache followed by the desire to allow the tears to fall, but that's against the rules, as a Capricorn you're not allowed to show emotion or be "weak". But me, she, her; Kamille, has so many weakness, not to mention flaws. And anxiety seems to take some type of sadistic pleasure in exposing those weakness to the World.  When this occurs my defenses go up and I tend to retreat inward (in my Head and in my Heart), I attempt to find the right "cocktail" to get the emotions and hormones back in balance, but that isn't helping; so I had a brief conversation with my "Love Guru #1" and man was it right on time! The conversation ended and although I wasn't "better" I caved in and allowed the tears to fall. 

To be continued...

No Excuses

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so." 

-Marcus Tullius Cicero

I don't know how far to go back, however I didn't want to make an excuse for allowing another day to go by without expressing something. I sat down to write in my journal yesterday Morning, as I began to organize my thoughts I couldn't decide where to begin (i.e.: yesterday, "the other day", last week or a year ago) as they are all relevant to what I intend to share. In addition I had/ have a ton of things on my Mind/ Heart regarding various aspects of my Life; so as I'm sorting my Thoughts, the Feelings pop up along with the Anxiety Disorder which turned my Focus from The Blog to my Well-Being.  Which as for now (after much effort) seems to be balanced.

Looking forward to sharing more later. Until then, Namasté. 

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New Day

I spent some time this weekend reading through The Blog; first randomly selecting posts which lead to reading the associated entry, before I knew it I was lost in my own words for hours. I know I mentioned the thought of deleting and starting anew, but I've decided not to. The truth is: the thoughts and feelings shared were from my Heart; and to delete or attempt to "erase" them won't take away the space it filled during that time.

I began The Blog hmmm around 2008 (iBelieve) with private settings as a way to process my thoughts and feelings. I had no intention on sharing them with anyone, let alone "strangers". So in 2012 when I had the conversation to change settings to public (see, "Comfort Zone(s)") I made sure to delete almost all of the posts I'd published (2008- 2010). Overall, I am glad that I did since those thoughts were extremely personal not to mention private; and I know I would've been quite uncomfortable sharing. This time however, those thoughts are the past; along with many of the feelings expressed. 

One obvious difference is, I am no longer the "heartbroken" girl holding onto unrequited love. I can re-read the posts of my past and measure growth as well as areas that still need improvement. At times take a stroll down "memory lane" and reminisce on some pretty fun/ crazy times. Many times I found a smile or giggle as I read some of the things I'd completely forgotten about and had a moment debating which sites I'd share on (see, "Here I go again"). 

As many things have changed during the time spent away from blogging/ writing I finally feel that feeling I had a few years ago when I was happy, healthy and in love with myself.  I feel as if this is a fresh start, a new chapter so to speak. I can almost see it, I can feel it, and now I believe it. I trust the process and embrace what it does to me. Most importantly, I am encouraged to continue and allow this outlet to serve its purpose; whatever that may be. 

Love. 

The Dream Motto

"The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams." 

- Oprah Winfrey

Timewarp

After I posted recently I stumbled upon a few things that made me question the direction of The Blog. I thought, then over-thought the contents of some things I've chosen to share and briefly considered editing; which basically consist of deleting curtain posts and making a mental note to exclude those topics in the future. The thought then lead to my physical journals; two in particular. I packed them away months ago with no interest in reading or writing in them; at least not in the foreseeable future. As I flipped through them (sort of) I immediately thought to burn them. I'll save that story for another time.

So Thursday morning I have the bright idea to begin a new journal. Over the years I've picked up a few here and there with the thought of one day having them all filled with random stories, memories, fantasies, etc. So I'm digging through boxes and drawers only to find pictures I'd forgotten about. One photo* in particular I decided to post on my Instagram account in honor of "Throwback Thursday".  There's so much about the beginning of that friendship that I don't remember, but I recall exactly when it deepened (see "Honesty Hour")   I then remember Summer 1997, I'm now back from Las Vegas (see "Viva Las Vegas!) and I'm dealing with one of the worst break-ups I'd ever experienced. My heart is broken and I'm "starting over, yet again". After a while she'd gotten tired of hearing his name and took it upon herself to "help me" find someone new.  I won't go into details, however I recalled my plan and all I'd said I'd accomplish, yet fate/ destiny or whatever you want to call it made sure to laugh right in the face of the "well thought out" story in which my life was supposed to go.

Funny how one encounter or series of events can change your entire life. Had it not been for timing and the bond we shared, how many of those "plans" would now be a reality?


*note: I removed the photo out of respect for privacy and the sensitive nature of the stories shared.

Trying to find the words.

I've been searching for the "right" words to share; wrestling with the need to overcompensate for the length of time I left my Blog unattended. Each time I attempted to compose a post it was all too much... I hate over-sharing; I've always felt stupid when it's occurred, knowing there must have been a simpler way to express those thoughts without being "emotionally slutty".

Initially I'd lost confidence in my writing for whatever reason. Then my desire to write returned, but I didn't know where to begin and/or how to determine how open I should be considering I have so much going on within myself. As I've stated before, I don't like to share a post without some type of conclusion or "victory" so to speak. Well towards the end of May 2014 I decided to do some sort of cleanse. I say some sort because this one is uniquely different than the ones I've done in the past. Now that I've established some type of routine I can see changes within myself; mentally, emotionally, physically as well as spiritually.  I began focusing on fitness, meditation and my own energy; as I've accepted the fact that I can not control the thoughts, words, actions or energy of anyone other than myself.  Unfortunately, when Anxiety is high I am not always successful in separating myself from those feelings. It's an ongoing struggle, however I am doing my best to keep all of my teachings in mind and take each moment as they come. 

I will say that I've missed writing more than I thought I would. So much that I've taken my journal and pencil case out several times with the desire to form something, hell anything lol. The most to hit the page had been the date until now thanks to anxiety and insomnia.  After expressing a few thoughts on Twitter I decided to take a moment and absorb energy from the onset of the "Super Full Moon" scheduled for Saturday (July 12, 2014).  So I begin my meditation routine and as I'm allowing my thoughts to form I actually felt that urge to write or something. 

I am really beginning to understand the power of alignment and maintaining a strong relationship with God. It's typically an experience I feel while cleansing since I focus a lot of time and attention towards my complete being (mind, body and soul/ spirit). Spending quiet time in prayer as well as reading my Bible. Although I don't identify with the Muslim faith I even decided to observe Ramadan along with my cleanse. I'm sure I did not follow all of the practices however my main objective was to learn something as well as to participate in fasting for the specified time period. As long as it was safe for me to do so. 

I am grateful for this experience and I truly hope that I've found the flow within myself that's needed to manifest the desires of my heart. To evolve and become the woman I am supposed to be. I am not sure entirely what that looks like or exactly how to get there from the space I am in now. However, I believe as long as I take the necessary steps, keep my faith high and recognize when I need to pay extra attention to myself while dealing with the Anxiety Disorder. I pray I am able to maintain this space as I've missed it so much. 

Some of you may already know, I initially began the Blog with private settings as an outlet for my thoughts; without going into details regarding how it became public I will admit, I didn't expect to connect with others because of it. I hope to continue as we are all on our journey through this space called Life. 

Until next time. Blessings.