The World Outside My Window

The most interesting thing about dealing with Anxiety Disorder for me has been self discovery. Naturally I am a curious person, I like to know how things operate so I observe and analyze (usually over-analyzing); which explains my fascination with psychology, specifically behavioral psychology.  As an only child I spent a lot of time with myself, so prior to the incident(s) triggering the Disorder I felt as if I knew myself to my "core".  I recall a conversation with my first therapist where she explained how we all have certain levels of anxiety (and/or any other "issue" which require awareness). Some people may have a higher tolerance while others may be predisposed to a Disorder, perhaps genetically or through conditioning (nature vs. nurture). I was aware of the concept however it's something totally different when you are now the "subject". I am reminded of a conversation I had about a year ago with my Mother, I'm not sure how it began but we ...

Once again, I'm not sure how far I want to go back, or how much I would like to share as this post is quite different from the battle which was/is,  "The Struggle" .   I guess I'll just keep it within the past few days and see where it goes... As I mentioned I'd gotten back to the  "atmosphere"  within myself that I've designated my  "Sweet Escape",  shortly after for various reasons I found myself in a state of high anxiety ending with tears.  Monday, I knew  "the Feelings"  weren't going anywhere and I'd need to increase the effort relating to the techniques learned through experience, research and therapy in hopes the Anxiety wouldn't escalate or create an attack.  I figured I'd begin with washing my hair and from there my mood should improve.  It's clear that would not be enough, so I began to meditate which lead to the realization that my "yin and yang" were out of sync.  I began searching online...

It's approaching two years since I was first diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder", prior to that time I had no care or concern for mental health, mental illness or anything associated with it. Not from a standpoint of not having empathy or compassion for those who suffer from it or have loved ones battling various conditions; it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" as I've never really had anyone close to me battle such "d'evils". I won't go into detail regarding how it became a part of my life, however in previous posts I have shared somewhat how it effects me.  I recall last year being the worst with it (to date), that was when I truly learned by experience how much different my life had become.  The Anxiety attacks had become more frequent as well as migraine headaches, insomnia, eczema and other symptoms associated with the disorder. I know of a time or a few where I'd gone into an anxiety attack and completely blacked out, ...

" Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."  - Marcus Tullius Cicero I don't know how far to go back, however I didn't want to make an excuse for allowing another day to go by without expressing something. I sat down to write in my journal yesterday Morning, as I began to organize my thoughts I couldn't decide where to begin (i.e.: yesterday, "the other day", last week or a year ago) as they are all relevant to what I intend to share. In addition I had/ have a ton of things on my Mind/ Heart regarding various aspects of my Life; so as I'm sorting my Thoughts, the Feelings pop up along with the Anxiety Disorder which turned my Focus from The Blog to my Well-Being.  Which as for now (after much effort) seems to be balanced. Looking forward to sharing more later. Until then, Namasté.  Click here for quote info

I spent some time this weekend reading through The Blog; first randomly selecting posts which lead to reading the associated entry, before I knew it I was lost in my own words for hours. I know I mentioned the thought of deleting and starting anew, but I've decided not to. The truth is: the thoughts and feelings shared were from my Heart; and to delete or attempt to "erase" them won't take away the space it filled during that time. I began The Blog hmmm around 2008 (iBelieve) with private settings as a way to process my thoughts and feelings. I had no intention on sharing them with anyone, let alone "strangers". So in 2012 when I had the conversation to change settings to public (see, " Comfort Zone(s)" ) I made sure to delete almost all of the posts I'd published (2008- 2010). Overall, I am glad that I did since those thoughts were extremely personal not to mention private; and I know I would've been quite uncomfortable sharing. This ...

"The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams. "  - Oprah Winfrey

After I posted recently I stumbled upon a few things that made me question the direction of The Blog. I thought, then over-thought the contents of some things I've chosen to share and briefly considered editing; which basically consist of deleting curtain posts and making a mental note to exclude those topics in the future. The thought then lead to my physical journals; two in particular. I packed them away months ago with no interest in reading or writing in them; at least not in the foreseeable future. As I flipped through them (sort of) I immediately thought to burn them. I'll save that story for another time. So Thursday morning I have the bright idea to begin a new journal. Over the years I've picked up a few here and there with the thought of one day having them all filled with random stories, memories, fantasies, etc. So I'm digging through boxes and drawers only to find pictures I'd forgotten about. One photo* in particular I decided to post on my Instag...

I've been searching for the "right" words to share; wrestling with the need to overcompensate for the length of time I left my Blog unattended. Each time I attempted to compose a post it was all too much... I hate over-sharing; I've always felt stupid when it's occurred, knowing there must have been a simpler way to express those thoughts without being "emotionally slutty". Initially I'd lost confidence in my writing for whatever reason. Then my desire to write returned, but I didn't know where to begin and/or how to determine how open I should be considering I have so much going on within myself. As I've stated before, I don't like to share a post without some type of conclusion or "victory" so to speak. Well towards the end of May 2014 I decided to do some sort of cleanse. I say some sort because this one is uniquely different than the ones I've done in the past. Now that I've established some type of routine I can...