The World Outside My Window

I've always been fascinated by the moon, especially a "full moon".   I'm not exactly sure how the energy seems different, but there's a unique feeling in the air as the phases of the moon change.  I remember when I first realized it and began reading various theories about it, the most commonly known information is that the Moon is considered feminine energy where the Sun is considered masculine.  Perhaps, that's why I find it interesting, because of the vibe associated with feminine energy is much calmer than that of it's counterpart.  As I reflect on the day and random thoughts I feel a very peaceful energy surrounding me.    I attended a youth service today and the message was right in alignment with various conversations I've had recently.  In the past I would of thought of that as eerie or strange, however as my awareness of the Universe and my relationship with the Creator of the Universe continues to develop I understand how it all plays a ...

  In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation.  Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life.  So, on days like  the one  I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel.  Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings.    I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon. Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds" , the onset of anxiety disorder  followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future. ...

I've been trying to re-establish a relationship friendship for the past 6+ months to no avail.  In the past when dealing with this person, I wasn't completely myself.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I was myself,  just a very narrow view of me, the part that didn't have to express much or put myself "out there".  We continued to have the same arguments with the same agreement, yet nothing ever REALLY improved.  I then began to be myself, completely, unapologetically and still, no improvement.  So as the new year arrived and my birthday approached I realized that although we agreed to remain friends, that person has not been a friend to me however I've remained a friend to them (or at least put forth  a huge effort to do so).    I then decided that it was officially time to move forward, no announcements necessary, just do it .  I realized the decision stirred up some type of emotion and I can't quite put my finger on what it...

Sometimes I laugh at myself for the amount of thoughts that seem to flood my mind at any given time.  I set a goal to write daily, however that hasn't exactly happened.  I've had a million thoughts and several drafts, however the words aren't flowing as they usually have.  I've made a point not to force my posts, mainly because the blog is basically an outlet so I am not over-analyzing my life as I have been known to do.  The process has been that I'd have a thought and begin to type and allow the thought(s) to come out however they are with very little revision.    I will admit, I've had some pretty emotional days lately and I haven't completely figured out how much I am willing/going to share publicly.  This shouldn't be a huge surprise as I've stated in various posts how some thoughts are written, yet kept in my private journal while others are saved for therapy.  I know we all have various challenges and are on our own unique journey, w...

"Leave My Body" Florence + the Machine Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the scripture which speaks of how "being absent from the body is to be present with The Lord."   At times, I pray to leave my body, even if it's just for a few moments or a day or two.  I honestly believe this may have happened a time or two, for example when I had the car accident (see, Saturday, November 5, 2005 ) and was unconscious for an unknown period of time.  Like, what happens during that space in time?  Or when people are in a coma or whatever, I know what scientist say, however I believe that may be a time when you (generally speaking) may be in the presence of The Lord.  I don't know why this was on my mind this morning, well actually, let me explain . I'm up, dressed, out the door and in the car.  As I pull off I realize there's something wrong with my car and I intend to be somewhere at a certain time to assist in the preparation for a meeting.  A...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

"I will whisper secrets in your ear. Just nod yes and be silent." ~Rumi

For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog.  As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the " right " music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon.  Trouble is, at some point I felt  overwhelmed.  I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision.  So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft.    Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement.  I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fa...

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized.    The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan ou...

    Nina Simone "Feeling Good" Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel Sun in the sky, you know how I feel Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me. Yeah, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, ooooooooh... And I'm feelin' good. Fish in the sea, you know how I feel River runnin' free, you know how I feel Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, And I'm feelin' good Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know, Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean. Sleep in peace when day is done: that's what I mean, And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me... Stars when you shine, you know how I feel Scent of the pine, you know how I feel Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel.. It's a new dawn, it's a ne...

"Search other for their virtues, thyself for thy vices".  Benjamin Franklin So earlier this week I challenged myself to change my drink, from needing some type of mixture to going straight over ice with lime.  Well, here's the funny thing: somehow over the past few days that drink has morphed into water over ice with lime.  I'm not saying I'll never drink vodka again; I just know somethings changing. "There is no vice so simple but assumes some mark of virtue on his outward parts". Shakespeare   vices & virtue quotes

What's a "Resolution"?   Dictionary.com defines it as:   res·o·lu·tion / ˌrɛz əˈlu ʃən / Show Spelled [ rez- uh - loo -sh uh  n ] Show IPA noun     1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization , a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution , joint resolution . 2. a resolve or determination : to make a firm resolution to do something.   3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc . 4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose. 5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~   Why call it a resolution if you're not going to stick to it or actually do ANYTHING differently?  The other day I ...

What does my name mean? Hidden within your name is a special meaning.  What does the name “Kamille” mean? A name is much more than just a name! K is for kid, the child within. A is for agreeable, the best side of you! M is for melody, the song of life. I is for ignite, the fire in you! L is for loyalty, that you show . L is for laughter, you spread wherever you go. E is for exotic, no lack of spirit here!   The name “Kamille” is of Arabic origin and it means “Perfection” . It’s a name commonly given to girls. According to the 1991 U.S. Social Security Administration data, the name “Kamille” is not a popular baby girl’s name in California. Imagine that, only 13 babies in California have the same name as you in 1991. Across the entire United States a total of only 75 babies also bear the same first name during the same year. From 1880 to 2011, the highest recorded use of the name “Kamille” was in 2011 with a total of 256 babies. Since 1880, ...

I realized after typing "My Inner Fat Girl", I'd refered to someone as "My Hubby".  Funny thing is, if it were possible I have no doubt in my mind that it would be Heaven.  To have a friend who truly cares about you and your wellbeing is something I find a bit difficult to express in words.  I recall sitting by the pool or just hanging out and complaining about my weight, and he never failed to call me "Beautiful" or some other loving or crazy term of endearment.  Not to mention the many days and nights he put on his gym shoes and walked to my door and at times forced me to go to the gym with him.  Oh, and while we were there, if I was slacking he made sure to push me harder than I'd ever push myself (at that time),   I could go on and on detailing all of the qualities he has that I'd love my future husband to possess.  But I've decided, although I've mentioned sharing "my list" on the blog, I think it's best to keep ...

She's trying to surface and derail my efforts, I don't know her name, but she loves greasy fried chicken and cupcakes with tons of icing.  For a few years I allowed her to run wild and I was MISERABLE! So now she's in check, however the week of Christmas we chose our battles. Bacon Cheeseburger, Chili Cheese Fries (only a couple), A cupcake with easy icing, and the greasiest fried chicken combo on Earth.  The trouble is, that bitch hates the gym, so for the week of eating this delicious heart attack/ comfort foods I failed to work out.   I also realized, some of the cravings are associated with particular emotions,  You guessed it, I'm an emotional eater; however it's typically when my feelings are low rather than happy or excited.  The past couple of days I allowed a couple treats, one in honor of "My Ace's" birthday and the other after leaving one of many doctor appointments this past week.  I learned that the eczema is now in my scalp *sigh* fo...

Free public star parties are held monthly with the assistance of the Los Angeles Astronomical Society and the Los Angeles Sidewalk Astronomers at the Griffith Observatory from 2:00 p.m. to 9:45 p.m. They are a chance for the whole family to look at the sun, moon, visible planets, and other objects, to try out a variety of telescopes, and to talk to knowledgeable amateur astronomers about the sky and their equipment. Please be aware that the astronomers and telescope demonstrators must cut off the line for each telescope to enable all viewing to be completed by 9:45 p.m. Hours for telescope operation are not the same as for the building (which closes at 10:00 p.m.). Public Star Parties for 2013 January 19 February 16 March 16 April 20 May 18 June 15 July 13 August 17 September 14 October 12 November 9 December

It seems I've made a few changes since Christmas.  For starters, I eat meat again, not like with every meal, but it's back on the menu.  The most intriguing has been the fact that "My Drink" has changed.  I've been a "vodka & cranberry" for a long time, I don't really know what that says about me, but as of late I've desired to have my vodka straight.  So I challenged myself to try it, initially I made the screw face when I took a sip, but not long after I was good.    I'm sure this will please the bartenders when I go out since my original drink wasn't as simple to order as it seems.    Vodka on the rock with a twist of lime.    If only the folks at Starbucks got it so easy (smh)

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a "God is Love" 1 John 4:8  "God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him."  1 John 4:16b     With various thoughts over the past week, I see now more than ever how "we" may pray for certain things to occur and when they actually happen "we" run away or do something/anything to sabotage the desired outcome.  I'm not quite sure how many times I've done this myself.  I guess it's the fear, but of what?  What exactly is it that holds us back?     As I headed to the gym at approximately 11 pm I felt afraid, like, something would happen.  Perhaps because I'd be there alone, but in this moment I could have chosen to turn back to the comfort of home or face the fear, the thoughts of my bikini body and the lovely clothes I plan to purchase (soon).  I chose the gym and I felt amazing afterwards!  Then I think back on how unhappy I was and the fact...

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot     I often joke about how different my life would have been had I not gotten pregnant with my son. I remember at the time my cousin went off to the Air Force and as his graduation was approaching I thought about enlisting as well. The original plan was to pack up and move to New York and find a wonderful career in fashion or writing, I would've been "Carrie Bradshaw" long before the Sex & the City series. Or perhaps travel abroad and figure something out along the way. Somehow when I discussed these dreams with others it was clear to me that they were unattainable or silly . I then remember over the years as a child I'd watch "The Peanuts" , my favorite was Lucy van Pelt, she was no-nonsense, straightforward, unapologic and confident. Up until that point, I'd never identified with anyone (real life or fictional) the way I did with her and her antics. It w...

I find it amazing how often I made a comment, statement or rant regarding how so many people will rather see the kind hearted things/words expressed to them as a form of weakness on the givers part. So they'll underestimate or just get completely out of pocket then get "big eyed" when that person FINALLY snaps or shows the "other" side that they may have wanted you to have the pleasure in saying it was never unleashed on you. I like to refer to this interaction as "poking the bear", I'm not sure if I heard/read it somewhere and adapted into my vocabulary or if I made it up on my own lol nevertheless "poking the bear" is usually when the bear is hibernating or simply sleeping, all is well until someone decides to disrupt the peace and provoke the bear into a reaction of some sort. Before I continue, this situation always ends in the bear attacking and the other is either severely injured or there's "slow singing and flower br...

  photo borrowed from Sugarlaws

The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens.  However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single".   Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving.  I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?   It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person.  That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the ma...