I Wish I Were The Moon Tonight

I've always been fascinated by the moon, especially a "full moon".  I'm not exactly sure how the energy seems different, but there's a unique feeling in the air as the phases of the moon change.  I remember when I first realized it and began reading various theories about it, the most commonly known information is that the Moon is considered feminine energy where the Sun is considered masculine.  Perhaps, that's why I find it interesting, because of the vibe associated with feminine energy is much calmer than that of it's counterpart.  As I reflect on the day and random thoughts I feel a very peaceful energy surrounding me. 

 

I attended a youth service today and the message was right in alignment with various conversations I've had recently.  In the past I would of thought of that as eerie or strange, however as my awareness of the Universe and my relationship with the Creator of the Universe continues to develop I understand how it all plays a part or is intertwined.  I am still in awe of the swiftness in which my situation is coming together and how the changes I've made has allowed that to happen.  I don't feel as if "why didn't I do that sooner", rather I appreciate the lessons learned and the work necessary to get to this phase of my journey.  I recall my days of rebellion as well as my "off" days recently; and I am grateful for the grace and mercy of The Most High and how we are all covered and protected by God even while we may be off course. 

 

In this moment various people come to mind and I wish they were near so I could give them the biggest hug, I don't know if I feel that way because I need that energy from them or if I can sense that they may need that energy from me.  Nevertheless, as the moon is full and my heart is open I pray as you read this you may begin to reflect on aspects of your life which may need your attention or a little re-evaluation.  I know that is what I intend to do right after I hit "publish".

 

I feel in my being that it's time to be a bit more diligent about my goals and dreams.  I understand the path I desire to travel will not pop up by osmosis so there is much work to be done.  I am happy to say that I am now in a space where I no longer wish to procrastinate or doubt my abilities, I just desire to live my best life now and what better time to work on that then during a time when the energy is full of potential?

 

I wish you well and I dare you to take a step towards your wildest dreams, I mean, there's really nothing stopping you unless you allow it to (speaking to myself also).

Building My Fairytale... One Brick at a Time

 In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation.  Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life.  So, on days like  the one  I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel.  Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings.    I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon.

Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds", the onset of anxiety disorder followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future.   The purpose of the leave was to de-stress and manage the anxiety so I could return to a new environment and put the unpleasant past behind me.  However the leave initially proved to do more damage than good as my symptoms increased along with the level of anxiety and stress.  The fact that I've had a job since I was 14 also made it a bit difficult to embrace having nothing to do or tasks to occupy my time.  As I've mentioned in previous posts, I am very "Type A"; I love schedules, well, I love to be productive, to contribute my time and efforts to make something better. 

As I realized it was pointless to dwell on the issue causing stress, I began to watch programs and/or YouTube videos which directed my thoughts towards The Law of Attraction as well as meditation and learning more about Chakra's.  I took a 3 minute quiz on www.chakrahealing.com and discovered many of mine were weak or closed, which was no surprise.  It actually explained exactly what I'd been feeling and experiencing for the past few months, with this newfound knowledge I immediately began to pray and meditate on how to correct this unproductive energy.  Later that evening I began this post and felt the need to stop.  I had the picture in mind and most of what I wanted to share, however there was no victory, which to me meant the message was unfinished.  I try not to use the blog or my other online outlets as a voice to complain, that's what prayer and therapy are for lol.  So I decided to eat something and make myself rest, as I attempted to watch television my thoughts jumped from various occurrences of the day and I began to pray, then the tears came.  This time they weren't the same as many times before; they were calm, and the prayer was more aggressive and included mostly scripture.  I'd never prayed that way before, in retrospect I realize how passive my prayers had been.  I'd ask God to fix a situation however with no authority, almost begging or pleading, yet almost fearful that God wouldn't do those things for me. 

I always knew and believed God could/would answer prayer, especially when I pray for others, yet somewhere in my consciousness I didn't believe my prayers for myself were as important.  I'd had meltdown after meltdown over a person not coming through for me, being unreliable, thinking God had to use someone else to bring my deliverance to me.  On some level I thought/believed I'd have to endure these challenges for a prolonged amount of time rather than an instantaneous change for the better.  As I recited scripture (God's word) making it clear that I understood how it worked and trusted that my prayers would be answered and results would be quick.  Over the past two months things had gotten tight, to the point a few of those posts left in the draft were a funny spin on the urgency of my situation.  I started a post titled "Kammy Golightly" which was detailing how close I was to hitting the "boom boom room" in an effort to get some quick, long money.  As I joked with my therapist, a few friends and my Pastor I understood how ridiculous that was however as I was honest about the situation I made it clear that I was only 80% joking.  My mind then took me to a gentlemen I wrote about in "Fairytales, Lies & Propaganda..." who promised me the world and at the time I refused.  Well as bills started to pile up, his offer didn't seem so unreasonable.  However the truth is, those would be desperate measures, not to mention, it was depending on my body or another being to rescue me from the situation rather than believing God would come through for me.

Eventually I drifted off to sleep only to wake up with a migraine, a common occurrence these days so there was no need to be alarmed.  I prayed then meditated as I (try to) do each morning and I tossed in a final word to The Lord acknowledging that I believed that it is taken care of.  I continued with my day and began making the necessary calls, to no surprise I keep getting voice mail or the line is disconnected yet this time, rather than get frustrated I continued to tell myself "all things are working together for the good", shortly after I get someone on the line and I began to get to the bottom of the situation.  At one point my representative "accidentally" hung up on me, so of course I got annoyed, then called and got her on the line again.  The end result was the matter being resolved, Amen!

The funny thing was, I'd been reading Psalms and Proverbs since December 2012.  I'd also found myself watching Joyce Meyer and Joel Osteen on YouTube almost nightly, I'd even created a play list titled "Encouragement".  On one video Joyce was talking about Job, that's why I said funny thing; you rarely hear preachers discuss Job, especially as the abundance ministry seems to take the front seat.  Not to say there's anything wrong with preaching abundance, because I am all for it.  However, there is also "the valley" as well as "the wilderness" experiences in life which need to be addressed.  I recall the story of Moses and the children of Israel and how they wandered in the wilderness for 40 years (if memory serves me correctly), murmuring and complaining yet the journey was really an 11 day excursion.  Or how Job lost everything yet continued to trust, believe and love God through it all.  As I've witnessed my own situation and praise God for the fact that my needs were met each and every day, even when I had no idea where a meal was coming from or gas money.  As some promised to help, but didn't come through and other's just did things out of the kindness of their hearts.  I recognize God's favor and how the many Universal Laws are very real, I understand how my faith was strengthened and I am encouraged to continue this journey where ever it leads me.  As I know "thy rod and they staff, they comfort me", I say this all the time and it seems more true today than ever before, "who said this road would be easy?"

As I type these words I am encouraged, thankful, grateful, hopeful and strengthened to continue to do whatever I am destined to contribute to this life.  I know I am not the only person facing challenges, I know I am not the only person who believes in God or His word.  I only encourage everyone to continue to press forward and truly believe that God will work things out for you when you completely let it go (whatever "it" is) and trust that it will be done in your favor.  It doesn't have to take forever, sometimes the wait is simply Divine timing, while other times it may be something we are doing, or rather not doing which is stalling the outcome.  Over the course of this past year, my prayer has changed from my wants and how I believe things should be, to "thy will be done".  I will admit, as I completely submit to that prayer I find it is becoming easier to deal with the many hurdles and obstacles I've seen along the way.  The bottom line for me is, no matter how many bricks life throws at me, I am determined to build my fairytale.  I believe in God's goodness while I am here on Earth not only in the afterlife.  I pray you are encouraged and continue your journey as it unfolds, where ever it leads.

Love & Light <3

Goodbye, Yesterday.

I've been trying to re-establish a relationship friendship for the past 6+ months to no avail.  In the past when dealing with this person, I wasn't completely myself.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I was myself,  just a very narrow view of me, the part that didn't have to express much or put myself "out there".  We continued to have the same arguments with the same agreement, yet nothing ever REALLY improved.  I then began to be myself, completely, unapologetically and still, no improvement.  So as the new year arrived and my birthday approached I realized that although we agreed to remain friends, that person has not been a friend to me however I've remained a friend to them (or at least put forth  a huge effort to do so). 

 

I then decided that it was officially time to move forward, no announcements necessary, just do it.  I realized the decision stirred up some type of emotion and I can't quite put my finger on what it is.  Sunday evening as I walked down the street to meet a friend for a belated birthday dessert, I listened to random music and allowed my thoughts to run freely, of course a few songs came on and I was forced to refocus my thoughts as they returned to the issue I was trying to move away from.  I then attempt to make myself "get over it!" of course it seems as if the Universe is conspiring to force me to do something, I just don't know what exactly.  I log on to various social networking sites and there they are although we are not attached on any of these websites. I rarely click the "find friends" or "people you may know" yet it's popping up without any effort on my part.  I honestly don't know what to do with this.  As I place my energy only on the things I desire in my life, I am a bit confused as to why this person who has on countless occasion, whether directly or indirectly made it painfully clear that they not only aren't on my team, I find it hard to believe they even "like" me.  So why, as I wave goodbye to the hurts, pains, disappointments of yesterday is it invading my life today?

I admit, I honestly would like for it to be different however the choice has been removed and I am happily moving in the direction of my dreams.  No more waiting for someone else to see my vision or be apart of my fairytale (in friendship or otherwise).  I realize how certain behaviors on my part contributed to many circumstances I am currently facing.  I've had several conversations with someone regarding "self preservation" and although I don't completely agree with his views I have come to adapt some of them into my daily life.  I understand that I need to be whole, healthy and happy in order to give anything to someone else (family, friends & lover), however I've put the wants, needs, expectations of others before my own for quite some time.  Always there for someone yet not quite giving myself 100%, this is the first thing I've decided to improve in the new year. 

As I move forward and attempt to leave the past right where it belongs, I am also attempting to do something else I've never done before.  I will no longer question why something is, or isn't.  Who cares why this person is popping up?  What difference does it make? The fact that I am faced with it does not mean I will not continue as planned.  I've learned, or should I say, I am striving to get to the place where these feelings and/or emotions won't matter so much.  I believe I've given so much thought into my emotions because I've discounted them for so many years, now the need to overcompensate has come to wreak havoc and honestly I can no longer afford to allow that to continue.  So for the first time in my life, I am making a conscious effort to leave the past behind me and make a commitment to my future.

Writer's Block

Sometimes I laugh at myself for the amount of thoughts that seem to flood my mind at any given time.  I set a goal to write daily, however that hasn't exactly happened.  I've had a million thoughts and several drafts, however the words aren't flowing as they usually have.  I've made a point not to force my posts, mainly because the blog is basically an outlet so I am not over-analyzing my life as I have been known to do.  The process has been that I'd have a thought and begin to type and allow the thought(s) to come out however they are with very little revision. 

 

I will admit, I've had some pretty emotional days lately and I haven't completely figured out how much I am willing/going to share publicly.  This shouldn't be a huge surprise as I've stated in various posts how some thoughts are written, yet kept in my private journal while others are saved for therapy.  I know we all have various challenges and are on our own unique journey, whether we recognize it or not.  However how much is too much when sharing?  Again, as I've noticed the number of views increase each month (thank you for taking the time to entertain my thoughts) I have battles at times with how much to share versus how much to keep to myself or my other outlets.  As I type these words I realize that keeping things to myself for so many years has been part of the issue when it comes to these emotions running wild recently. 

 

I've always been a "private" person, however recently the feeling of being overwhelmed and vulnerable has been a little too much at times.  Leading to many anxiety attacks, tears, migraines and tantrums for lack of a better description.  Having recently had a birthday, my mind goes to the saying "another year older and none the wiser", yet I believe I am a bit wiser.  Mainly because I've decided to purge my heart and allow whatever to flow from it freely.  No longer holding onto hurt, disappointment and other low energy emotions which create a tormented existence.  I've chosen to focus on the things and people who contribute to my happiness however I haven't been successful each day, but I am striving to from this point on.  I've made some decisions these past few days that I believe will propel my mind, heart and soul into the direction of peace.  I believe the tears and emotion may have opened another level within myself that I was afraid to explore, yet the circumstances of life forced me to do so. 

 

I supposed time will tell.

 

 

Joyce Meyer - Moving Beyond Worry and Anxiety

Leave my Body

"Leave My Body" Florence + the Machine

Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the scripture which speaks of how "being absent from the body is to be present with The Lord."  At times, I pray to leave my body, even if it's just for a few moments or a day or two.  I honestly believe this may have happened a time or two, for example when I had the car accident (see, Saturday, November 5, 2005) and was unconscious for an unknown period of time.  Like, what happens during that space in time?  Or when people are in a coma or whatever, I know what scientist say, however I believe that may be a time when you (generally speaking) may be in the presence of The Lord.  I don't know why this was on my mind this morning, well actually, let me explain.

I'm up, dressed, out the door and in the car.  As I pull off I realize there's something wrong with my car and I intend to be somewhere at a certain time to assist in the preparation for a meeting.  As I've stated in previous posts, I've been trying to "go with the flow", "not get frazzled by the little things" and "seek God for guidance".  Well, initially I felt the tears forming in my eyes and I knew an anxiety attack was well on the way.  Especially with the way the past couple of days have been going, nevertheless I couldn't allow that to happen for various reasons (1. I must be stronger then these "feelings" and 2. I have one anxiety pill left).  I sit in the car for a few moments then I realize, I was rushing to make it on time as well as run an errand (I guess you could call it that) and I hadn't done my meditation.  I prayed and gave thanks and gratitude for waking up, but I didn't spend those extra moments in the stillness of the day to get "the" plans, thoughts, agenda, assignment for my day.  So finally, I get out of the car and head back into the house, I slip on a pair of sweats under my skirt as I was still trying to figure out a way to get to the meeting; although I wouldn't make it for the prep I would at least make it for the "meat and potatoes" or so I had hoped.

I sat on the floor with my legs crossed (Indian style), lit my candle (Glade, Polka Dot Petals), closed my eyes and began my meditation.  Shortly after, my little cousin comes down to sit with me and asked what I was doing; so I explained it to her and we chatted a bit.  I asked her what she wants to be when she grows up, she said "a painter", I said that would be awesome! you'd spend your days creating beautiful art, you could make a lot of money and you'd spend your days the way you wish.  She then asked me why I didn't have a job, I laughed slightly and told her that I did; I just wasn't there because it made me sad.  So she asked me, what do you want to do? I said, be happy (the look on her face was priceless).  We listened to a song (Closer by Goapele) and as she listened to the words, I prayed for her.  For her mind, body and well being.  I prayed for her in school and for her to never lose sight of her dreams, I then began to think of others and as they came to mind I said a prayer for them as well.  Lastly, I prayed for direction and as I completed my prayers I sat in silence.  It was in that moment the thoughts of leaving my body came to mind.  

It may have started yesterday as I was driving to my family's home and the song Deja Vu by Teena Marie came on (I posted the video last night), more tears began to fall and I thought that I didn't want to be here anymore (please don't be alarmed, this is NOT a cry for help lmao) I felt as if I wanted to be in the presence of GOD, in that perfect peace which passes understanding.  I do not fear death, however I am not chasing it or trying to make it come upon me prematurely.  With that said, it triggered the thought of the scripture about being absent from the body which by association made me think of the song "Leave My Body" so I listened to the song a few times then looked up the passage online.  Typically I like to read the King James Version of the bible, I suppose that's the "Princess" in me.  I am intrigued by Castles, medieval times, Dragons, Knights in Shining Armor, you get the picture.  Anyway, I've begun reading the "easy to read" version as it just seems gentle rather than translating the "ye", "therefore", "henceforth", etc although I also love throwing those words in my everyday conversation just for "shits & giggles".  

So here's the passage from 2 Corinthians, Chapter 5 vs. 1-21:

We know that our body—the tent we live in here on earth—will be destroyed. But when that happens, God will have a home for us to live in. It will not be the kind of home people build here. It will be a home in heaven that will continue forever. ² But now we are tired of this body. We want God to give us our heavenly home. ³ It will clothe us and we will not be naked. ⁴ While we live in this tent, we have burdens and so we complain. I don’t mean that we want to remove this tent, but we want to be clothed with our heavenly home. Then this body that dies will be covered with life. ⁵ This is what God himself made us for. And he has given us the Spirit as the first payment to guarantee the life to come.

⁶ So we always have confidence. We know that while we live in this body, we are away from the Lord. ⁷ We live by what we believe will happen, not by what we can see. ⁸ So I say that we have confidence. And we really want to be away from this body and be at home with the Lord. ⁹ Our only goal is to always please the Lord, whether we are living here in this body or there with him. ¹⁰ We must all stand before Christ to be judged. Everyone will get what they should. They will be paid for whatever they did—good or bad—when they lived in this earthly body.

Helping People Become God’s Friends

¹¹ We know what it means to fear the Lord, so we try to help people accept the truth. God knows what we really are, and I hope that in your hearts you know us too. ¹² We are not trying to prove ourselves to you again. But we are telling you about ourselves. We are giving you reasons to be proud of us. Then you will have an answer for those who are proud about what can be seen. They don’t care about what is in a person’s heart. ¹³ If we are crazy, it is for God. If we have our right mind, it is for you. ¹⁴ The love of Christ controls us, because we know that one person died for everyone. So all have died. ¹⁵ He died for all so that those who live would not continue to live for themselves. He died for them and was raised from death so that they would live for him.

¹⁶ From this time on we don’t think of anyone as the world thinks of people. It is true that in the past we thought of Christ as the world thinks. But we don’t think that way now. ¹⁷ When anyone is in Christ, it is a whole new world.^[a] The old things are gone; suddenly, everything is new! ¹⁸ All this is from God. Through Christ, God made peace between himself and us. And God gave us the work of bringing people into peace with him. ¹⁹ I mean that God was in Christ, making peace between the world and himself. In Christ, God did not hold people guilty for their sins. And he gave us this message of peace to tell people. ²⁰ So we have been sent to speak for Christ. It is like God is calling to people through us. We speak for Christ when we beg you to be at peace with God. ²¹ Christ had no sin, but God made him become sin^[b] so that in Christ we could be right with God.

 _____________

Namaste 

How Does Forgiveness Heal? Ask Deepak!

How Gratitude Creates Abundance Consciousness? Ask Deepak!

My Eyes Won't Dry

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned.

As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost"; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid because I feel as if the space of hurt or whatever behind this situation has gradually increased since it's onset.  I guess like when a child goes to their parent with the same issue over and over, or anyone for that matter.  At some point you have to make up your mind to eliminate the cause of the problem, if possible.  Trouble is, I don't see how it is completely possible at this moment.  I have an idea or perhaps a "plan" would be a better choice of words, yet obstacles beyond my control are interfering with them as well.  Needless to say this creates additional stress and frustration.  Not to mention the number of people trying to make me believe that I am depressed or "crazy", the truth is, I am NOT depressed or "crazy"!  I am frustrated, at times sad and from time to time my heart is broken.

I know I probably am not supposed to say what is coming next, and some will judge or whatever, but MY truth is what it is.  I find it extremely hurtful that those who are able to offer help, don't; and not because they can't, they just won't.  Yet those who are not quite in a position to come to a person's aide are the first ones to offer or at least ask "what can I do to help?".  Sometimes I hate people, oh yeah, that's not at all Christian; I know.  I guess I was supposed to say that I dislike "some" or rather the behavior.  I guess that's the (politically/morally) correct approach, I dislike the behavior of those who sit and criticize another person's choices or circumstances with their judgmental "could've, should've, would've" without full knowledge of what they are even talking about.  Or the ones who are willing to help with their strings attached believing that if they do something for you they now have some type of control over you or the unreliable ones who promise the world yet can't/won't/don't deliver.  I've said it before and as I've been on this "leave of absence" it has become more and more apparent, I am different.  I handle things a particular way, I expect things to be in order, I love structure.  The more I am surrounded by certain people I am often reminded how different I REALLY am.  I also understand why many people dislike me initially, I used to get my feelings hurt behind it, now I find it amusing (I'm sure I'm not supposed to say that either).

I recall a time when I was emotionless, I've been called "callous" and often people have made mention of my "poker face".  I've decided that I no longer wish to be that way, truth is, it was a front and added to my unhappiness.  I pretended not to care in order to keep people at a distance and prevent myself from heartache, which didn't even work.  So now I've become a girl, WTF?!?! I honestly don't know how to do this.  Somehow this well of emotion has overflowed and I can't seem to control it; hence "anxiety disorder"...  I am searching for balance as I do not wish to return to the girl I once was, yet part of who I have become is not working.  There's a Utopia created by various techniques however I can't live my life dependent on things outside of myself for balance.  I find meditation and prayer helps the most yet there are times when I believe the amount of time to reach the desired space is not available.  What do you do then? 

Last night I fell asleep watching the movie Limitless and as I drifted off to sleep I prayed for Christ Consciousness, truth is the level of fear decreased and as I felt my body awake this morning the song "Trust Me" by Richard Smallwood was on repeat in my mind.  I understand that people may let you down, however if you (generally speaking) keep your trust in The Creator and allow God to "fight your battles" that's where the peace comes from.  I am working on that part, as a "Type A" personality it is not always an easy thing to do, but like the scripture says with God all things are possible.

Amen!

To My Future...

"I will whisper secrets in your ear. Just nod yes and be silent."

~Rumi

Happy Sunday!

Praise God for Therapy

For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog.  As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the "right" music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon.  Trouble is, at some point I felt  overwhelmed.  I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision.  So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft. 

 

Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement.  I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fall.  I wanted to scream and at other parts of the day I wanted to drive off a cliff, but I prayed instead.  Ironically, I knew I was going to prayer at my church later that evening so I resolved to give my frustration to GOD.  With the aftermath from "the angry birds", I've experienced a few challenges that I've never had to deal with before and for someone who NEEDS structure, consistency, etc. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult some days may be.  In the beginning, I'd express my thoughts, feelings and emotions to (almost) anyone who asked "how are you?" trouble is, not everyone is empathetic, that is until something happens to them.  Then the world should stop and allow them to lick their wounds, bake them cookies and wish them well.  But, I digress.

 

So during this encounter, my patience was tested (to say the least).  They brought up private conversations in front of other people, doubted everything I said (huge pet peeve) and various annoying things until I was actually happy to see them leave.  With each situation, I expressed that we should discuss these things later, in private.  When I reached my breaking point, it was just in time for prayer and as I entered the church weeping; I gave it all to God and asked Him to take care of it for me.  I realized I cant deal with all of the things that come my way.  Which is when I remember the scripture which states to give all of our burdens to The Lord. 

 

I am also a bit confused on complaining, like if we "cast all of our cares to The Lord" are we never to complain?  Yet, reading Psalms, David cried out to God.  He expressed EVERYTHING! He gave praise, he worshiped, he spoke out his frustrations, anger, love and admiration.  So for the major things I go to GOD, then there's my psychologist, psychiatrist, the person I may have issue with then friends.  I am trying to confront issues as they come; with whom they are connected to.  Rather than venting on The Facebook, Twitter, My Blog or friends where things can fester or linger and become a mountain when I could have nipped it in the "mole hill" stage.  As I experience this I find it quite stressful, as I've been a person who tries to avoid confrontation.  In the past I'd just stop speaking to someone if they did or said something that "rubbed me the wrong way", I'd change my number, email address, block people, you name it.  As I am approaching a certain age I recognize how childish that may be or may appear, I guess it's all based on your perspective.  Stereotypically, "black people" don't believe in going to therapy, it's funny to see certain reactions when I mention "my therapist", because that's what Jesus is for.  Not to say He isn't, yet I believe people are here with various gifts, callings, whatever you want to classify it as to be used by The Creator in order to help work out some things we don't see in ourselves.  Or perhaps we do see it yet we go to a space of denial or rebellion.

 

I remember a time when I was angry at God for various things and I rebelled, to the point where I ignored all of my warnings and still refused to "get my life in order".  However various people were there along the way to try to nudge me back on my path and I still refused.  I am also reminded of a time last year when my "Big Sister" attempted to help me with my love life and everything she suggested I'd respond "I'm not doing that" or "I'm not saying that" even though there was a space in my mind and heart that knew I should and a year later I found myself saying and doing all of those things which I once refused. 

 

In dealing with certain things this past week it also allowed me to see a view of how I expect a man to interact with me.  As I continue to work on myself and take thought into the type of relationship I desire I recognize now more than ever how difficult it is to deal with someone who is "unequally yoked".  The crazy part is, this wasn't even a romantic situation.  I recall the scripture which states that children should honor and respect their parents however it also states that parents should not provoke their children.  With all of my flaws (and they are many!) I understand that I can only take certain people in doses.  I haven't mastered the correct dosage with everyone, which is something else I am praying for. 

 

I recognize how I am handling things differently, which can be a bit scary as I am not always sure what is the "right" things to say and do.  It seems like my hierarchy plan is working, for the most part so I'll continue with that.  In the meantime, I will continue to express my thoughts to the person/people who are directly connected rather than venting or ranting to anyone who will listen.

12 Drafts

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized. 

 

The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan out or if a relationship isn't going the way I'd like for it to go.  Of course, I am still working on myself, however with each day it gets a bit easier (some days better than others).  So with that said,  wont stress myself however I have committed to writing daily.  The funny thing, which I intend to share in my next post.  I had to learn which outlet is best for which topic/ train of thought.

 

I believe venting as well as ranting may be necessary, however it isn't always appropriate, especially with certain people.  Not everyone cares about your bad day or good day even lol however with the right audience you'll get your needs met and feel much better having let things go. 

 

To Be Continued...

Brand New Me

How I "Feel" Today

 

 

Nina Simone

"Feeling Good"

Birds flyin' high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.
Yeah, it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me, ooooooooh...
And I'm feelin' good.

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me,
And I'm feelin' good

Dragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don't you know,
Butterflies all havin' fun, you know what I mean.
Sleep in peace when day is done: that's what I mean,
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me...

Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel..
It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me
[scat]
And I'm feelin'... good.

 

 

Song Lyrics

Cocktail Hour Part Deux

"Search other for their virtues, thyself for thy vices". 

Benjamin Franklin

So earlier this week I challenged myself to change my drink, from needing some type of mixture to going straight over ice with lime.  Well, here's the funny thing: somehow over the past few days that drink has morphed into water over ice with lime. 

I'm not saying I'll never drink vodka again; I just know somethings changing.

"There is no vice so simple but assumes some mark of virtue on his outward parts". Shakespeare

 

vices & virtue quotes

2013 Resolutions

What's a "Resolution"?  Dictionary.com defines it as:

 

res·o·lu·tion

/ˌrɛz əˈlu ʃən/ Show Spelled [rez-uh-loo-shuh n] Show IPA

noun 

 

1. a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usually after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, a club, or other group. Compare concurrent resolution, joint resolution.

2. a resolve or determination: to make a firm resolution to do something. 

3. the act of resolving or determining upon an action or course of action, method, procedure, etc.

4. the mental state or quality of being resolved or resolute; firmness of purpose.

5. the act or process of resolving or separating into constituent or elementary parts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Why call it a resolution if you're not going to stick to it or actually do ANYTHING differently?  The other day I tore my room up looking for a few documents, as I opened a particular storage bin I found various things from 2010. The most noticeable was my "lifestyle plan" and without going into a lot of detail, I accomplished many of the things on the list and I didn't even look at it for the past 3 years.  With that said, I encourage you to create a vision board (see "The Secret") or if you're better at books or lists; create a Scrapbook or "To Do" Lists with pictures and words which details the life you'd like to live beginning 2013 (make sure to include deadlines and rewards for your achievements) and don't look back.

 

No Doubts!

No Fear!

No Excuses!

No Short-Cuts!

No "I Can't"s!

 

The story of Lot's wife comes to mind, (Genesis, Chapter 13), Story of "Lot's Wife" on Walk-By-Faith.com.  As it's been said a million times over the years, I'm sure her outcome was not based on the single act, but the desire.  Many times I feel God wants to take us to the next level yet we are too afraid that it'll end up like what we left or worse rather than better or THE BEST.  Let's resolve to do better in 2013, as we start the 2nd week let's do the things we should've started on January 1, 2013.  When you find a moment, check out the type of thoughts God has for us and see if that makes it a bit easier to get started.  Here's one for example:

 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29: 11-14 (NIV)

 

 

I've made my plan for 2013 and I feel it moving already, I pray the same for you. 

Namaste

What's In a Name?

What does my name mean? Hidden within your name is a special meaning.  What does the name “Kamille” mean? A name is much more than just a name!

K is for kid, the child within.

A is for agreeable, the best side of you!

M is for melody, the song of life.

I is for ignite, the fire in you!

L is for loyalty, that you show.

L is for laughter, you spread wherever you go.

E is for exotic, no lack of spirit here!

 

The name “Kamille” is of Arabic origin and it means “Perfection”. It’s a name commonly given to girls.

According to the 1991 U.S. Social Security Administration data, the name “Kamille” is not a popular baby girl’s name in California. Imagine that, only 13 babies in California have the same name as you in 1991. Across the entire United States a total of only 75 babies also bear the same first name during the same year. From 1880 to 2011, the highest recorded use of the name “Kamille” was in 2011 with a total of 256 babies.

Since 1880, your name was recorded 3,061 times in the American baby names history. Do you want to know ‘how popular is the name Kamille?’

What makes you sexy? Get the cosmic lowdown on the types you attract and what makes you sexy. Whether you’re in a relationship or living the single life, this free Love Meter reading tells you about your romantic style. (Sponsored Link; 13+ only)

 

Your name in reverse order is “Ellimak”. A random rearrangement of the letters in your name (anagram) will give ‘Lakmile’. (How do you pronounce that?)

Kamille if you have a lot of $$$ and you want to buy a gift for someone, which one will you choose: gift baskets, mini laptops or training shoes?

Your past life Kamille:

I do not know how you feel about it, but you were a male in your last earthly incarnation. You were born somewhere around the territory of Philippines approximately on 900. Your profession was writer, dramatist, organizer of rituals.

Your brief psychological profile in that past life:
Ruthless character, carefully weighing your decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Generally liked, but not always loved.

Lessons that your last past life brought to present:
Your lesson – to combat violence and disharmony in our world, to understand its roots and origins. All global problems have similar origins.

Now do you remember?

Are you not curious to find out what happened on January 18, 1980 in history? There are some historical events about that day that are worth knowing!

 

 my "former" name

find yours

"My Hubby"

I realized after typing "My Inner Fat Girl", I'd refered to someone as "My Hubby".  Funny thing is, if it were possible I have no doubt in my mind that it would be Heaven.  To have a friend who truly cares about you and your wellbeing is something I find a bit difficult to express in words.  I recall sitting by the pool or just hanging out and complaining about my weight, and he never failed to call me "Beautiful" or some other loving or crazy term of endearment.  Not to mention the many days and nights he put on his gym shoes and walked to my door and at times forced me to go to the gym with him.  Oh, and while we were there, if I was slacking he made sure to push me harder than I'd ever push myself (at that time),

 

I could go on and on detailing all of the qualities he has that I'd love my future husband to possess.  But I've decided, although I've mentioned sharing "my list" on the blog, I think it's best to keep that to myself & my prayers.

My "Inner Fat Girl"

She's trying to surface and derail my efforts, I don't know her name, but she loves greasy fried chicken and cupcakes with tons of icing.  For a few years I allowed her to run wild and I was MISERABLE! So now she's in check, however the week of Christmas we chose our battles. Bacon Cheeseburger, Chili Cheese Fries (only a couple), A cupcake with easy icing, and the greasiest fried chicken combo on Earth.  The trouble is, that bitch hates the gym, so for the week of eating this delicious heart attack/ comfort foods I failed to work out.

 

I also realized, some of the cravings are associated with particular emotions,  You guessed it, I'm an emotional eater; however it's typically when my feelings are low rather than happy or excited.  The past couple of days I allowed a couple treats, one in honor of "My Ace's" birthday and the other after leaving one of many doctor appointments this past week.  I learned that the eczema is now in my scalp *sigh* for those that know me, I'm sure you can imagine how annoyed I am because of this.  So I left and headed to the nearest "dealer" and got a glazed donut, OMG it was so good!  I didn't feel guilty or even second guess my choices.  The difference was I began working out twice daily, I'd run in the morning; usually if I had errands nearby the house then I hit the gym in the evening for at least 30 minutes.

 

The other thing that was quite interesting was, I'd surpassed my weight loss goal prior to the holiday.  So once it was all said and done and time to get back on track I chose to weigh myself.  Initially the scale said some ridiculous number which I knew wasn't right.  To the point I had to call "My Hubby" from the other room just so he could see it.  I then repositioned the scale and to no surprise the correct number appeared, the great thing about it was, although I ate like a fool I had a cushion so when it was over I was back at my goal.

 

However, today I can't seem to get out of bed and all I want to do is eat fried chicken, glazed donuts and ice cream.. o_O

 

 

Public Star Parties for 2013

Free public star parties are held monthly with the assistance of the Los Angeles Astronomical Society and the Los Angeles Sidewalk Astronomers at the Griffith Observatory from 2:00 p.m. to 9:45 p.m. They are a chance for the whole family to look at the sun, moon, visible planets, and other objects, to try out a variety of telescopes, and to talk to knowledgeable amateur astronomers about the sky and their equipment.

Please be aware that the astronomers and telescope demonstrators must cut off the line for each telescope to enable all viewing to be completed by 9:45 p.m. Hours for telescope operation are not the same as for the building (which closes at 10:00 p.m.).

Public Star Parties for 2013

January 19
February 16
March 16
April 20
May 18
June 15
July 13
August 17
September 14
October 12
November 9
December

"Zoom!"

Morning Worship!

Cocktail Hour!

It seems I've made a few changes since Christmas.  For starters, I eat meat again, not like with every meal, but it's back on the menu.  The most intriguing has been the fact that "My Drink" has changed.  I've been a "vodka & cranberry" for a long time, I don't really know what that says about me, but as of late I've desired to have my vodka straight.  So I challenged myself to try it, initially I made the screw face when I took a sip, but not long after I was good. 

 

I'm sure this will please the bartenders when I go out since my original drink wasn't as simple to order as it seems. 

 

Vodka on the rock with a twist of lime. 

 

If only the folks at Starbucks got it so easy (smh)

Be careful what you ask for...

"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a

"God is Love" 1 John 4:8 

"God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:16b

 

 

With various thoughts over the past week, I see now more than ever how "we" may pray for certain things to occur and when they actually happen "we" run away or do something/anything to sabotage the desired outcome.  I'm not quite sure how many times I've done this myself.  I guess it's the fear, but of what?  What exactly is it that holds us back?

 

 

As I headed to the gym at approximately 11 pm I felt afraid, like, something would happen.  Perhaps because I'd be there alone, but in this moment I could have chosen to turn back to the comfort of home or face the fear, the thoughts of my bikini body and the lovely clothes I plan to purchase (soon).  I chose the gym and I felt amazing afterwards!  Then I think back on how unhappy I was and the fact that one year ago I was 40+ pounds heavier, then I asked God for things to change and embraced the things necessary to make those goals a reality.

 

 

My thoughts then take me to a certain someone, and his words to me.  I can't put meaning behind his words or actions, I can't say why he does the things that he does, but I do recall him expressing to me that he was "scared".  Somehow during our interaction, I'd scared him, not by my actions or words; but the smoothness of things.  Even as we had disagreements, things still had a cohecive flow.  Now I'm reminded of my ex and how things were "perfect" at times and the moment things were "too good to be true" he'd make sure to say or do something to mess it up.  I guess I'm just different, when things seem "too good to be true", I know that it is Divine.  So I pray and seek guidance and things continue to fall into place, of course with setbacks and mishaps or whatever life brings, but in the end it's always worth it. 

 

 

I am now asking for Love, not the superficial type that is fleeting, but true love.  The kind that melts the heart and provokes thought.  The type that inspire great music, poetry, books and success.  To have all of the pieces of the puzzle in place, how magical life would be?  I want that! More importantly, I want it with someone who is in the same space and desires to be who God created them to be while we create the life of our dreams.  Before I was unsure if I was ready, today, I no longer believe that's the case.

 

 



 



Teenage Dreams

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

~George Eliot 

 

I often joke about how different my life would have been had I not gotten pregnant with my son. I remember at the time my cousin went off to the Air Force and as his graduation was approaching I thought about enlisting as well. The original plan was to pack up and move to New York and find a wonderful career in fashion or writing, I would've been "Carrie Bradshaw" long before the Sex & the City series. Or perhaps travel abroad and figure something out along the way. Somehow when I discussed these dreams with others it was clear to me that they were unattainable or silly. I then remember over the years as a child I'd watch "The Peanuts", my favorite was Lucy van Pelt, she was no-nonsense, straightforward, unapologic and confident. Up until that point, I'd never identified with anyone (real life or fictional) the way I did with her and her antics. It was then that I'd made up my mind, I'd be a Psychiatrist!

 

As life happens and plans change, my path has taken quite a few detours. I found myself in a stressful, anxiety filled space which at some point began to overpower my efforts of happiness and health. As I took a step back from the environment creating that reaction and continue to deal with the aftermath of it all, I find myself dreaming again. I can visualize a lifestyle filled with love, happiness, health, volunteer efforts, prosperity, etc. the best part is, and I am around people who have the same dreams and positive disposition to attain them.

 

I realize, may people either don’t have those dreams or they may not believe they will ever achieve them so they push them aside and focus on "work" or perhaps they've given up on them long ago. I guess it took me going to the edge of sanity to understand that what I desired as a kid/teenager is exactly what I want my life to focus on. As a therapist I figured I'd help people, I'm already a good listener and I've been told I give "good advice" so why not make a living at it? At some point I wanted to be an attorney, then a doctor yet it always went back to therapy. As I witness my life unfold with each decision I am excited for the path I have chosen. Is everything great? Absolutely not! However, I am learning how not to worry or stress; which is not always easy for "Type A" personalities like me. Each day, I learn to trust more which gets easier, it’s the annoyed and/or frustration part that takes a lot of effort.
 

Funny thing, I had a thought a few weeks ago which kind of lingered in my mind and pops up from time to time. The thought was "I feel like a teenager again", I guess it all lines up perfectly as I begin a journey to the life I always knew I wanted, but was afraid to go after.
 

Inspired by @PsychicsUnivers

and the events of this lovely evening

Kindness vs. Weakness

I find it amazing how often I made a comment, statement or rant regarding how so many people will rather see the kind hearted things/words expressed to them as a form of weakness on the givers part. So they'll underestimate or just get completely out of pocket then get "big eyed" when that person FINALLY snaps or shows the "other" side that they may have wanted you to have the pleasure in saying it was never unleashed on you.

I like to refer to this interaction as "poking the bear", I'm not sure if I heard/read it somewhere and adapted into my vocabulary or if I made it up on my own lol nevertheless "poking the bear" is usually when the bear is hibernating or simply sleeping, all is well until someone decides to disrupt the peace and provoke the bear into a reaction of some sort. Before I continue, this situation always ends in the bear attacking and the other is either severely injured or there's "slow singing and flower bringing". The worst part of it all is, the situation is always preventable.

As I've opened myself to various friendships and reconnected with family, I truly understand why I'd chosen to be hmmm rather aloof for so much of my life. In ways I am understanding as well as empathetic to the girl within who used that approach as a defense mechanism or perhaps it was a shield to hide the abandonment issues. I figure if we never get too close it won't hurt when you leave me or better yet, as I find myself attaching, let me leave or change my contact information so I won't be devastated when this ends (friendships, family interactions, etc.). Although I recognize and understand the reasoning however I acknowledge the fact that this pattern must end.

Here's the difficult part, I feel as if certain people are purposely trying to push my buttons to get me to react as I have in the past; perhaps it's to see if I've REALLY changed or if this is an act or an online personality for the blog, twitter, Instagram & Facebook. The interesting part is, I have no desire to respond the way they've become accustomed to. I understand how hurtful that was for some to experience and I've so far made two promises to two totally different relationships (one family while the other is a friend) that I would not run away, delete them or change my number. I made the promises to them however I also repented and asked God to forgive me for causing someone to feel some type of way because of my actions. So I also made the promise to myself and God (I am accountable).

In one of the situations mentioned, I am starting to believe the person is insane! Then I took a step back and I now understand his desired outcome so I was a bit stuck on how to proceed. One of the lessons I've learned is to "be still", like when I am uncertain of what to do or say, I dont do or say anything. No need saying the wrong thing or acting out of some space which will not benefit the situation in the end. I am not quite sure what will come of that situation, I believe we are just destined to be friends for as long as it makes sense, although it doesnt at the moment lol. All in all, I believe I just found a new perspective so I'll try it out and see what comes of it.

I made one resolution so far for 2013 and that was to "be nicer", as I give that concept more thought I believe there may be certain degrees of "nice". Not to mention, is it realative? For example, if you've experienced me being mean, the slight kindnes from me may be a mountain. However if you've never knew my "other" side, the level of nice I extend may be concidered a mole hill. I suppose time will tell and I will do my best, this should be interesting to say the least.

No Time Like The Present...

 

photo borrowed from Sugarlaws

Team of Me?

The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens.  However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single".  Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving.  I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?

 

It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person.  That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the main 3 gentlemen for 10 years.  I actually met them all at various times throughout 2003 so in my mind as I embrace my future I realize now more than ever it was time for them all to "shit or get off the pot" for lack of a better expression. 

 

As I ran errands today, I came across a gentleman who has been interested in me for quite some time.  As we had a chance to catch up briefly, he asked me if I was "seeing anyone serious?", I paused and was a bit blank as to how to answer that.  Then without hesitation I replied, that "I am not married, so I am single", as he gets my sense of humor we both laughed and continued our conversation.  The more I think about it, the more I realize how genius that statement is.  I don't "play house", not to judge those who do.  I just know that isn't a situation that would work out well for me, which is why "My Favorite" and I ended up in that emotional exchange prior to him leaving.  I've come to understand, if you've known me for a certain amount of time and I've allowed you into my home for an extended stay, you should know what you want.  Especially after 10 years!

 

So is it "wrong" to date or entertain others who may actually be ready or in a similar space that I am in?  This thought reminds me of Kenya Moore and Walter from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, she desperately wanted to have children and get married, refusing to consider the fact that her boo wasn't on the same page.  I recall a relationship I was in prior to meeting the 4 gentlemen I often mention.  This was a relationship I'd found myself in out of convenience, however he made it abundantly clear that he wanted to get married.  As I stalled for time I expressed to him that I needed a certain ring, and that he shouldn't even bother proposing if he didn't have it.  I also wanted to remain abstinent, so whenever he mentioned anything sexual I would hold up my left hand and hold out my ring finger.  I had no clue how damaging that was until we later had a conversation and he expressed how hurtful my gestures were.  There came a day when he informed me that he was in position to buy the required ring I'd demanded, in that moment I let him know that wouldn't be a good idea.

 

Last night I thought about my future and the facts that I do desire to be married and have a baby or two, however I am not desperate to do so.  I refuse to settle because "we've known each other for so long", "we ain't getting no younger, we might as well do it" or any other reason other than Love and that "I don't want to wake up another day without you" type of feelings.  I don't want to be with someone who runs at the first sight of trouble or a glimpse into their dreams.  More than anything I want to be happy, healthy and surrounded by those who love me.  With the New Year I believe I've regained my focus and I am doing the necessary steps to prepare myself mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally for whatever is to come.  In the meantime, I'm on My Side, as I should remain.