For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog. As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the "right" music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon. Trouble is, at some point I felt overwhelmed. I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision. So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft.
Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement. I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fall. I wanted to scream and at other parts of the day I wanted to drive off a cliff, but I prayed instead. Ironically, I knew I was going to prayer at my church later that evening so I resolved to give my frustration to GOD. With the aftermath from "the angry birds", I've experienced a few challenges that I've never had to deal with before and for someone who NEEDS structure, consistency, etc. I'm sure you can imagine how difficult some days may be. In the beginning, I'd express my thoughts, feelings and emotions to (almost) anyone who asked "how are you?" trouble is, not everyone is empathetic, that is until something happens to them. Then the world should stop and allow them to lick their wounds, bake them cookies and wish them well. But, I digress.
So during this encounter, my patience was tested (to say the least). They brought up private conversations in front of other people, doubted everything I said (huge pet peeve) and various annoying things until I was actually happy to see them leave. With each situation, I expressed that we should discuss these things later, in private. When I reached my breaking point, it was just in time for prayer and as I entered the church weeping; I gave it all to God and asked Him to take care of it for me. I realized I cant deal with all of the things that come my way. Which is when I remember the scripture which states to give all of our burdens to The Lord.
I am also a bit confused on complaining, like if we "cast all of our cares to The Lord" are we never to complain? Yet, reading Psalms, David cried out to God. He expressed EVERYTHING! He gave praise, he worshiped, he spoke out his frustrations, anger, love and admiration. So for the major things I go to GOD, then there's my psychologist, psychiatrist, the person I may have issue with then friends. I am trying to confront issues as they come; with whom they are connected to. Rather than venting on The Facebook, Twitter, My Blog or friends where things can fester or linger and become a mountain when I could have nipped it in the "mole hill" stage. As I experience this I find it quite stressful, as I've been a person who tries to avoid confrontation. In the past I'd just stop speaking to someone if they did or said something that "rubbed me the wrong way", I'd change my number, email address, block people, you name it. As I am approaching a certain age I recognize how childish that may be or may appear, I guess it's all based on your perspective. Stereotypically, "black people" don't believe in going to therapy, it's funny to see certain reactions when I mention "my therapist", because that's what Jesus is for. Not to say He isn't, yet I believe people are here with various gifts, callings, whatever you want to classify it as to be used by The Creator in order to help work out some things we don't see in ourselves. Or perhaps we do see it yet we go to a space of denial or rebellion.
I remember a time when I was angry at God for various things and I rebelled, to the point where I ignored all of my warnings and still refused to "get my life in order". However various people were there along the way to try to nudge me back on my path and I still refused. I am also reminded of a time last year when my "Big Sister" attempted to help me with my love life and everything she suggested I'd respond "I'm not doing that" or "I'm not saying that" even though there was a space in my mind and heart that knew I should and a year later I found myself saying and doing all of those things which I once refused.
In dealing with certain things this past week it also allowed me to see a view of how I expect a man to interact with me. As I continue to work on myself and take thought into the type of relationship I desire I recognize now more than ever how difficult it is to deal with someone who is "unequally yoked". The crazy part is, this wasn't even a romantic situation. I recall the scripture which states that children should honor and respect their parents however it also states that parents should not provoke their children. With all of my flaws (and they are many!) I understand that I can only take certain people in doses. I haven't mastered the correct dosage with everyone, which is something else I am praying for.
I recognize how I am handling things differently, which can be a bit scary as I am not always sure what is the "right" things to say and do. It seems like my hierarchy plan is working, for the most part so I'll continue with that. In the meantime, I will continue to express my thoughts to the person/people who are directly connected rather than venting or ranting to anyone who will listen.
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