Kindness vs. Weakness

I find it amazing how often I made a comment, statement or rant regarding how so many people will rather see the kind hearted things/words expressed to them as a form of weakness on the givers part. So they'll underestimate or just get completely out of pocket then get "big eyed" when that person FINALLY snaps or shows the "other" side that they may have wanted you to have the pleasure in saying it was never unleashed on you.

I like to refer to this interaction as "poking the bear", I'm not sure if I heard/read it somewhere and adapted into my vocabulary or if I made it up on my own lol nevertheless "poking the bear" is usually when the bear is hibernating or simply sleeping, all is well until someone decides to disrupt the peace and provoke the bear into a reaction of some sort. Before I continue, this situation always ends in the bear attacking and the other is either severely injured or there's "slow singing and flower bringing". The worst part of it all is, the situation is always preventable.

As I've opened myself to various friendships and reconnected with family, I truly understand why I'd chosen to be hmmm rather aloof for so much of my life. In ways I am understanding as well as empathetic to the girl within who used that approach as a defense mechanism or perhaps it was a shield to hide the abandonment issues. I figure if we never get too close it won't hurt when you leave me or better yet, as I find myself attaching, let me leave or change my contact information so I won't be devastated when this ends (friendships, family interactions, etc.). Although I recognize and understand the reasoning however I acknowledge the fact that this pattern must end.

Here's the difficult part, I feel as if certain people are purposely trying to push my buttons to get me to react as I have in the past; perhaps it's to see if I've REALLY changed or if this is an act or an online personality for the blog, twitter, Instagram & Facebook. The interesting part is, I have no desire to respond the way they've become accustomed to. I understand how hurtful that was for some to experience and I've so far made two promises to two totally different relationships (one family while the other is a friend) that I would not run away, delete them or change my number. I made the promises to them however I also repented and asked God to forgive me for causing someone to feel some type of way because of my actions. So I also made the promise to myself and God (I am accountable).

In one of the situations mentioned, I am starting to believe the person is insane! Then I took a step back and I now understand his desired outcome so I was a bit stuck on how to proceed. One of the lessons I've learned is to "be still", like when I am uncertain of what to do or say, I dont do or say anything. No need saying the wrong thing or acting out of some space which will not benefit the situation in the end. I am not quite sure what will come of that situation, I believe we are just destined to be friends for as long as it makes sense, although it doesnt at the moment lol. All in all, I believe I just found a new perspective so I'll try it out and see what comes of it.

I made one resolution so far for 2013 and that was to "be nicer", as I give that concept more thought I believe there may be certain degrees of "nice". Not to mention, is it realative? For example, if you've experienced me being mean, the slight kindnes from me may be a mountain. However if you've never knew my "other" side, the level of nice I extend may be concidered a mole hill. I suppose time will tell and I will do my best, this should be interesting to say the least.