My Eyes Won't Dry

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned.

As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost"; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid because I feel as if the space of hurt or whatever behind this situation has gradually increased since it's onset.  I guess like when a child goes to their parent with the same issue over and over, or anyone for that matter.  At some point you have to make up your mind to eliminate the cause of the problem, if possible.  Trouble is, I don't see how it is completely possible at this moment.  I have an idea or perhaps a "plan" would be a better choice of words, yet obstacles beyond my control are interfering with them as well.  Needless to say this creates additional stress and frustration.  Not to mention the number of people trying to make me believe that I am depressed or "crazy", the truth is, I am NOT depressed or "crazy"!  I am frustrated, at times sad and from time to time my heart is broken.

I know I probably am not supposed to say what is coming next, and some will judge or whatever, but MY truth is what it is.  I find it extremely hurtful that those who are able to offer help, don't; and not because they can't, they just won't.  Yet those who are not quite in a position to come to a person's aide are the first ones to offer or at least ask "what can I do to help?".  Sometimes I hate people, oh yeah, that's not at all Christian; I know.  I guess I was supposed to say that I dislike "some" or rather the behavior.  I guess that's the (politically/morally) correct approach, I dislike the behavior of those who sit and criticize another person's choices or circumstances with their judgmental "could've, should've, would've" without full knowledge of what they are even talking about.  Or the ones who are willing to help with their strings attached believing that if they do something for you they now have some type of control over you or the unreliable ones who promise the world yet can't/won't/don't deliver.  I've said it before and as I've been on this "leave of absence" it has become more and more apparent, I am different.  I handle things a particular way, I expect things to be in order, I love structure.  The more I am surrounded by certain people I am often reminded how different I REALLY am.  I also understand why many people dislike me initially, I used to get my feelings hurt behind it, now I find it amusing (I'm sure I'm not supposed to say that either).

I recall a time when I was emotionless, I've been called "callous" and often people have made mention of my "poker face".  I've decided that I no longer wish to be that way, truth is, it was a front and added to my unhappiness.  I pretended not to care in order to keep people at a distance and prevent myself from heartache, which didn't even work.  So now I've become a girl, WTF?!?! I honestly don't know how to do this.  Somehow this well of emotion has overflowed and I can't seem to control it; hence "anxiety disorder"...  I am searching for balance as I do not wish to return to the girl I once was, yet part of who I have become is not working.  There's a Utopia created by various techniques however I can't live my life dependent on things outside of myself for balance.  I find meditation and prayer helps the most yet there are times when I believe the amount of time to reach the desired space is not available.  What do you do then? 

Last night I fell asleep watching the movie Limitless and as I drifted off to sleep I prayed for Christ Consciousness, truth is the level of fear decreased and as I felt my body awake this morning the song "Trust Me" by Richard Smallwood was on repeat in my mind.  I understand that people may let you down, however if you (generally speaking) keep your trust in The Creator and allow God to "fight your battles" that's where the peace comes from.  I am working on that part, as a "Type A" personality it is not always an easy thing to do, but like the scripture says with God all things are possible.

Amen!