The World Outside My Window

I always have a difficult time deciding what to "give up" for lent. My first thought is always communication; or should I say "people"? I'll keep my reasons to my self.  The funny part is, it's typically because of my "attitude" during this time; the few times I've chosen to participate in lent, I gave up communication in addition to a dietary change.  Since dealing with various changes in my life as well as with my health, I am considering trying a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle as a way to challenge myself for lent.  Then I thought how trivial that is in the grand scheme of things.  Only because I've done those types of cleanses or fasting before, where's the challenge in that?  I suppose a greater challenge would be to commit to writing; well posting more often for the next 40 days.  There's a thought... Although I am not Catholic, I find myself incorporating various customs from other religions in an attempt to gain spiritual ...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.   The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the...

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you."  - Rumi* At the end of Summer 2012 I underwent surgery;  at the time I believed it was in my best interest.  Yet about 3 months later clouds of vanity interrupted the practical reality of the pain and suffering (physically as well as financially) caused by the issue in the first place.  I believe I have finally reached a space in my Being where I understand how that could be classified as a "flaw".  Nevertheless, my humanity is unhappy with the scars and pain that I deal with years later.  As a woman of a certain age, my Body has begun different changes that I have yet to grow accustomed to; along with my other issues, things have gotten a bit overwhelming.  Some days I remember my youth with fondness, however as I am typing these words which are coming from an unfamiliar space, I realize, I am still young!  Acknowledging my battle with Severe Depression is tough for a (self-diagnosed) N...

Before I realized it a month had passed without Blogging; although it wasn't intentional, I feel some type of way about it.  I thought about transferring my thoughts from my journal(s), however I wanted to share something new, fresh and from the heart.  Trouble is, my heart is dealing with a few things that are too personal to share at the moment; perhaps as time goes on there will be more things that I can talk about, but for now... Crazy how things seem to unfold,  I prayed for many years for something with a deadline attached, I already know the "law of attraction" as well as that old saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it"... Well, it's too soon to tell, but I think (one of my many) prayers has been answered.  Unfortunately, the timing has me second guessing and reconsidering; which makes me feel as if I am being ungrateful or unreasonable in processing this possible change in my life.  Maybe the word I'm looking for is self...

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication ( lol & smh ).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again). The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other...

"Don’t leave my Ocean for shallow Waters then ask me about the Moon." ~ Dream Hampton I can feel you attempting to summons me; like you've always done. If you can't tell, I'm ignoring you!   I've written about it before, however I find myself in a completely different level of bullshit that I refuse to entertain. I've decided to address it/ them so it's known that "I'm Real".  Feathers: Angry Birds, Pigeons & Chickenheads Some of your last words to me were "this isn't friendship; this is business." you made no effort to help in my time of need after all the advice, interventions and loyalty shown to you. You betrayed me on a level I've never known; getting over that was to me what I imagine it would be like to end an abusive marriage. Then to put the nails in the coffin, you said as a final remark, "go to your family and get a husband because I've already found mine".... Let's not forget, you got ri...

When I decided to begin blogging again I made a mental note to exclude posts concerning sex as well as sexuality.  After looking back regarding sharing my experience with abstinence, and a few encounters, although I received great feedback I felt some type of way about the information published. I feel as if it is a vulnerable and private space which should remain sacred.  However as I dive deeper into my Self along this journey of Spirituality, Consciousness and self discovery, I am realizing how Sexuality is coming to mind more often than ever before.  With that being said   I guess I should start from the beginning (so to speak). Rewind to Ramadan (June 28- July 27, 2014), although I am not Muslim, I decided to observe the practice of fasting, I will admit, it was an awesome experience; however as I am not new to fasting and/or cleansing I seemed to have a hard time coming out of it this time.  Actually, my body is sti...

Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder . Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface.  For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts.  I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression , which I never rarely talk about.  I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy.  Well, I was wrong.  It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety , but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind.  If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga.  I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've steppe...

I used to wish I had a sister, the catch was: only if we were twins , so she'd understand me.  Clearly that isn't the case since I identify myself as an only child.  Funny, since that's not completely the case either, but I won't even bother going into that.  Anywho... Over time I've established various relationships with women of all ages and nationalities.  I recall years ago, I attended a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues and as a friend and I dined between sets, we struck up a conversation with a Caucasian woman.  We laughed, drank, talked and at one point she addressed us as "sister".   I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable as she did not know if we would accept her as our sister .  We let her know, that her offer was accepted and we did identify with her as our "sister", the sudden heaviness quickly evaporated from the air and we continued our fellowship.  Throughout the years I've become more supportive of Women in Business ....

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

If you've ever dealt with a situation or circumstance mostly out of your control it is inevitable that you will experience some level of frustration, stress and/or annoyance.  You will encounter "representatives" who are either incompetent, inefficient or both. All of which I have a very low patience for ( insert heavy sigh here ). Especially when people act as if they are doing you a favor by half ass doing their job, it amazes me how often I've come across this experience since the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack in September 2012. I've encountered the most unprofessional company I think I've ever experienced in my life, the unhelpful gentleman did not acknowledge my request to speak with a supervisor however continued to repeat information that I already advised him of when I initially requested to speak with higher management.  As he was made aware, although I appreciate his efforts, I need to speak with someone with the authority...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

"Search other for their virtues, thyself for thy vices".  Benjamin Franklin So earlier this week I challenged myself to change my drink, from needing some type of mixture to going straight over ice with lime.  Well, here's the funny thing: somehow over the past few days that drink has morphed into water over ice with lime.  I'm not saying I'll never drink vodka again; I just know somethings changing. "There is no vice so simple but assumes some mark of virtue on his outward parts". Shakespeare   vices & virtue quotes

I realized after typing "My Inner Fat Girl", I'd refered to someone as "My Hubby".  Funny thing is, if it were possible I have no doubt in my mind that it would be Heaven.  To have a friend who truly cares about you and your wellbeing is something I find a bit difficult to express in words.  I recall sitting by the pool or just hanging out and complaining about my weight, and he never failed to call me "Beautiful" or some other loving or crazy term of endearment.  Not to mention the many days and nights he put on his gym shoes and walked to my door and at times forced me to go to the gym with him.  Oh, and while we were there, if I was slacking he made sure to push me harder than I'd ever push myself (at that time),   I could go on and on detailing all of the qualities he has that I'd love my future husband to possess.  But I've decided, although I've mentioned sharing "my list" on the blog, I think it's best to keep ...

She's trying to surface and derail my efforts, I don't know her name, but she loves greasy fried chicken and cupcakes with tons of icing.  For a few years I allowed her to run wild and I was MISERABLE! So now she's in check, however the week of Christmas we chose our battles. Bacon Cheeseburger, Chili Cheese Fries (only a couple), A cupcake with easy icing, and the greasiest fried chicken combo on Earth.  The trouble is, that bitch hates the gym, so for the week of eating this delicious heart attack/ comfort foods I failed to work out.   I also realized, some of the cravings are associated with particular emotions,  You guessed it, I'm an emotional eater; however it's typically when my feelings are low rather than happy or excited.  The past couple of days I allowed a couple treats, one in honor of "My Ace's" birthday and the other after leaving one of many doctor appointments this past week.  I learned that the eczema is now in my scalp *sigh* fo...

Free public star parties are held monthly with the assistance of the Los Angeles Astronomical Society and the Los Angeles Sidewalk Astronomers at the Griffith Observatory from 2:00 p.m. to 9:45 p.m. They are a chance for the whole family to look at the sun, moon, visible planets, and other objects, to try out a variety of telescopes, and to talk to knowledgeable amateur astronomers about the sky and their equipment. Please be aware that the astronomers and telescope demonstrators must cut off the line for each telescope to enable all viewing to be completed by 9:45 p.m. Hours for telescope operation are not the same as for the building (which closes at 10:00 p.m.). Public Star Parties for 2013 January 19 February 16 March 16 April 20 May 18 June 15 July 13 August 17 September 14 October 12 November 9 December

It seems I've made a few changes since Christmas.  For starters, I eat meat again, not like with every meal, but it's back on the menu.  The most intriguing has been the fact that "My Drink" has changed.  I've been a "vodka & cranberry" for a long time, I don't really know what that says about me, but as of late I've desired to have my vodka straight.  So I challenged myself to try it, initially I made the screw face when I took a sip, but not long after I was good.    I'm sure this will please the bartenders when I go out since my original drink wasn't as simple to order as it seems.    Vodka on the rock with a twist of lime.    If only the folks at Starbucks got it so easy (smh)

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." ~George Eliot     I often joke about how different my life would have been had I not gotten pregnant with my son. I remember at the time my cousin went off to the Air Force and as his graduation was approaching I thought about enlisting as well. The original plan was to pack up and move to New York and find a wonderful career in fashion or writing, I would've been "Carrie Bradshaw" long before the Sex & the City series. Or perhaps travel abroad and figure something out along the way. Somehow when I discussed these dreams with others it was clear to me that they were unattainable or silly . I then remember over the years as a child I'd watch "The Peanuts" , my favorite was Lucy van Pelt, she was no-nonsense, straightforward, unapologic and confident. Up until that point, I'd never identified with anyone (real life or fictional) the way I did with her and her antics. It w...

The past few days I've been having issue with a certain path, as I've expressed in "I'm on His Side" I feel as if part of me should take some time and invest the "necessary" effort into this person and see what happens.  However on the other hand, words of @ihustlenation come to mind stating, "If you're not married, you're single".   Simple enough, right? Well here's the thing, "My Favorite" failed to secure an exclusive understanding with me prior to him leaving.  I feel as if this thought concerning him has come up one time too many, I mean, if a person is scared, not ready, or whatever hang-up they decide to allow to stand in the way; how much time is reasonable to move on?   It's funny, I basically talk about the same 4 people throughout the years, but since their names aren't attached it may appear as if each story is about a new person.  That used to drive my ex crazy, nonetheless, I've known the ma...

I woke up Sunday morning with a burst of energy, I allowed myself to sleep in and I actually felt rested.  Once I completed my morning prayer and meditation I got out of bed to prepare myself for my run, I'd decided I'd head to the store and pick up a few items that I needed in order to "kill two birds with one stone",  As I journey home from my adventure I start to go over the day's agenda in my head. Shower Church Riding (I'd begun Horseback Riding as one of many stress relievers) Prepare for Work As I get closer to home I notice I now have a headache, I attempt to get myself together for church and notice it's getting worse so I opt out of morning service, convince myself to take a nap and perhaps I'd feel better in time for evening service.  WRONG! Now I am stuck in bed with a pounding headache and I am out of my prescription.  I remember I placed an order for refills online and just needed to pick them up, however I am unable to d...