The World Outside My Window

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.   The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the...

Last night I felt some type of way, I don't know how to put the feelings into words.  Soon after I received a call from my Daddy, he just wanted to check on me and see how my day went.  In the conversation I mentioned that I was headed to bible class and he made me promise to call him when I was done.  So as I am heading home I remember to call him, he then asks if I need anything and tells me to "stop by sometime so I can give you something".  I could tell that he wanted to see me since I'd expressed to him that my week hadn't been the best.    I recall a conversation we had last week where he mentioned the time "1:18" the numbers represent my birthday, he stated that he always thinks of me at that time.  He says the most amazing things to me at just the right time, making my heart smile always.  I arrive at his place and he hands me money, we then go to the store and he asks if I want or need anything.  In an instance when I said out loud t...

So alone in this world, I used to wish I had a sister, but only if she were my twin. I figured I'd finally have someone who looked like me and could actually relate to my emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires. Being an only child is not easy, I used to wish I had that type of interactions with my cousins where we'd be more like sisters. Unfortunately, my sheltered and at times overbearing upbringing didn't allow that. I kind of understand it now, to be the child of the family drug addict, everyone is extremely delicate with you. They seem to believe that you are either more fragile or much tougher than you may appear.  I recall a recent encounter with a cousin from my Grandmother's side of the family, and as we were catching up she asked who's child I was so she could have a point of reference, her reaction was priceless and I could see the horror, dispair and/or pity she felt in that moment before she was able to catch herself and say something "nice...

He says I "do too much", how is it possible to express your love, care and/or concern for someone "too much"? The interesting part of it all is; what he feels is too much is actually my bare minimum. Yet when I'm silent or fed up he's upset, lately our communication has been a disaster. Thankfully, no arguments, but as quickly as I thought we were on the same page his next communication let me know that we weren't. We aren't even in the same book, or the same section. I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work. I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me becau...

I recall a year or two ago, my boo mentioned that he wants a motorcycle, he even asked me if he could get one.  I thought it was the cutest thing that he'd actually asked my "permission" because he knows how I worry about him.  I always have, I've had this tender spot in my heart for him since the time we met.  However, somehow with him I can never say "no", especially to something he wants, because he deserves the world!   He's such a humble, giving, caring, loving, thoughtful person.  I mentioned to him in conversation not too long ago that he was "my favorite" guy and he absolutely is.  He's in a category all his own, and he always has been.   Through all of my dating life he is the only person who never said that I was "weird", he understands me on a level that I've never experienced before. As I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard I realize how important that is.  For someone to understand your strengths as well...

It has become apparent that I desire to be in a committed, fulfilling, loving, monogamous relationship. The more I am faced with the reality of this fact, I must also admit that I am scared.  I cant truly put my finger on what is actually causing the fear, which leaves me in a space of stillness.  I've learned over the past few months, if something isn't clear in my mind and/or my heart, it's because it may not be time to take action.  Which is perfectly fine with me after all, whats the rush?   I know according to the "American Dream", I am far off course.  I am a  32 year old woman , no house with the white picket fence, successful husband, 2.5 kids or a dog.  What have I done with my life?!?! LOL or so they've programmed us to think.  I learned a long time ago, the cookie cutter/ one size fits all lifestyle is not for me.  I am a dreamer, I am romantic, I am particular (some would say controlling lol) not to mentioned flawed, b...