It has become apparent that I desire to be in a committed, fulfilling, loving, monogamous relationship. The more I am faced with the reality of this fact, I must also admit that I am scared. I cant truly put my finger on what is actually causing the fear, which leaves me in a space of stillness. I've learned over the past few months, if something isn't clear in my mind and/or my heart, it's because it may not be time to take action. Which is perfectly fine with me after all, whats the rush?
I know according to the "American Dream", I am far off course. I am a 32 year old woman, no house with the white picket fence, successful husband, 2.5 kids or a dog. What have I done with my life?!?! LOL or so they've programmed us to think. I learned a long time ago, the cookie cutter/ one size fits all lifestyle is not for me. I am a dreamer, I am romantic, I am particular (some would say controlling lol) not to mentioned flawed, but I believe I know what I want, need as well as what I desire. I desire to meet the man of MY dreams, we fall in love and follow the path that our hearts create. Simple, right? Well here's the thing; past experiences, trust issues, intuition, insecurities, independence. These are the categories lumped under the "Fear" umbrella. I guess if I type them out and my thoughts associated with them perhaps I can get to my real issue and move forward. Here we go:
Past Experiences- I guess this is pretty self explanatory, however we are a sum of all of our experiences to date. The good as well as the unpleasant, of course in order to rationalize the outcome we take the good and twist it as great however the "not so good" must've been a lesson to learn. Well did we learn the lesson? or simply blame the other person and list everything that was wrong with him/her? Over the past few months I've been able to mend several relationships, I've actually become friends with two of my ex's which is damn near a miracle because things did not end well in either of those relationships. I was not the best person to deal with once I was hurt, you know the saying "hurt people, hurt people"? that was me! I'd say whatever I could muster to make a person feel as close to the hurt as I felt. I didnt lie to do this, which I'm sure made it worse, saying those things you know a person is insecure about and pouring your salt in their wound. Thank God I've matured from that.
Trust Issues- Of course past experiences have a way of shaping our thoughts, expectations and standards when dealing with other people. In my heart I have this motto, I guess you can call it that. This motto is a belief that everyone I meet starts out with my trust, from the gate you're at a 10; however as things happen I assess if you've remained or dropped down a notch or two. Some say I am naive, but I truly like to see the good in people. I call it optimism (another lost emotion). I am often disappointed when the scale starts to tip and that person is no longer at a 10 with me. I guess the silver lining would be, at least we had moments of purity before things dwindled which in my opinion is better than starting everyone from 0 and making them jump through hurdles and various obstacle courses to win your trust, love and affection.
Intuition- As I've begun this journey into a deeper awareness I have somehow tapped into a new level of intuition. I recall meeting a guy through mutual friends at an outing, before he left he made sure to tell me to "friend" him on the Facebook. I did enjoy our brief conversation as well as the fact we had this activity in common, so I thought "there's no harm in making a new friend". Right away he begins sending me messages and within the first few exchanges I can tell he is fishing for much more than I'm offering. The conversation progresses and at this point my antenna is going haywire. So I call him out on it, of course he denies his intention yet disappeared from my messages. Now he randomly appears with his "likes" or a message here and there; most recently a random invite which rubbed me the wrong way. Sometimes I am torn with this "gift", its like I don't want to see the undesirable in people, I mean he didn't really do anything wrong. However he didn't take a moment to realize that the bait I had on the line was far different than what he was fishing for. I truly wish men (in this day and age I must include women too) would take a moment to know their audience and act accordingly.
Insecurities- Hmm how do I start this one? I know this will be so hard to believe, but I am not perfect. -gasp- I recall an episode of "Sex & the City" when Aidan moved into Carrie's apartment and she wrote an article describing "secret single behavior", it sounds funny, but I'm sure once you moved out of your parents home or the college dorm and into your own place you've developed some habits, rituals, routines, etc. that are private. I am a bit scared to share that with someone, to some waiting for me to get dressed nine times out of ten is no big deal, but in a relationship that shit gets old fast. Sometimes I can be a bit naive, I blame this on my ridiculously sheltered upbringing, I can be moody (its the only child + Capricorn in me), and my favorite, as a way to decompress after work I like to play music, light candles, pour a glass of wine and enjoy a nice hot bubble bath. Nothing wrong with that right? well I find myself in the tub for up to 2 hours. Since I am single, this doesnt interfere with anything, however in a relationship how much of that will I have to alter? I guess it all boils down to the ability to trust that once someone is close enough to see who you truly are, they'll still want to stick around. I have yet to meet that person, and when I am honest with myself sometimes I doubt that I will.
Independence- I'm sure you saw this coming if you read "who takes care of the independent woman" I've taken care of myself for quite some time, when given the opportinutiy to step in and assist as the man I need, most have fallen short. Dealing with my Father, Son and male Friends I've come to understand that some men still understand the value of a woman's energy and what she brings to the table. However, in this pop culture society many thoughts as well as actions towards women are quite disrespectful (see Hip Hop/ Rap lyrics and videos, now a days add R&B to the list too), hell stick around twitter for any length of time and watch how a large number men refer to woman as "bitches" and "hoes" amongst other things. Sad thing is when women turn around and refer to themselves in the same manner, I cant speak on that too much because my awareness is forcing me to remove the word from my vocabulary and I find it quite difficult at times; but I digress. I guess I said all of that to say, I have a percular standard about myself and how I want things done, how I expect to be treated and I understand my insecurities so I'd need that person to respect and adapt to me. Perhaps this is where the connection comes in.
Bingo! Here's the fear: I am afraid of obtaining that level of connection with someone. To know a person core to core can be quite intense, it's been over a decade since I've felt that. However honestly I've felt it recently, he said my words were a mirror of his thoughts, we'd spend hours together building a friendship and he's been a complete gentleman. Nothing inappropriate, EVER. Of course there's something wrong, right? Right, he is unavailable, so our friendship begins and ends right there. I will admit I did not expect to meet someone so close to what I'd like in a companion, I dont even know very much about him however I know how he looks through me and into my soul. How likely is that to happen again? I've tried to create that type of connection with others and they havent been receptive, I'm starting to believe that it isnt something you can "create", it must happen organically. Which makes me also believe that I am being prepared so that when it does happen again and the person is unattached I will no longer have this fear and will be able to embrace the connection and have the desire of my heart.
I guess in saying "not quite", I am saying to the Universe, continue to prepare me, Please & Thank you!
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