In a whirlwind of challenges (mentally, emotionally and financially); in the past the amount shit going on "at the same damn time" would've had me in a space of depression (fear, worry, stress, helplessness, you get the picture). However, somehow I didn't even entertain the thought although they were present at times. In those moments I checked in with myself and asked, "what am I REALLY feeling?", I'd quiet my mind and usually the answer was "you're uncomfortable".
In another situation, I won't go into much detail (I don't think lol). I found myself dealing with someone I have a very interesting history with, see I met this person when I was 17 and through life's choices we are forced into a connection. At one point this forced interaction was hostile and needlessly unpleasant; I now understand the reason(s) causing that. As time passed we evolved and created a space of acceptance, or so I thought.
I shared some thoughts recently and that person was completely resistant and began to attack me (verbally), which actually caught me off guard. I thought we were in such a different space, however when I was told about myself from the person addressing me, well actually addressing someone I once was (my 20- 25 y/o self). I recognized how I placed my "rose colored glasses" on and created this delusion of evolution. I stopped voicing my thoughts and opinions, I was accommodating, encouraging, supportive, even in times of disagreement. This gave us peace, which appeared to be perfect. Until I began to voice concerns and acknowledge unfairness in our interaction. Now I'm "unreliable" and a few other untrue characteristics, I brushed it off and went on with my day. Well that was fine until it was time to deal with this person again, I felt disgust and as I spent my evening getting my house and mind in order for the long weekend I found my thoughts in a space of regret.
The trouble with regret is; it hinders you from acknowledging, appreciating and embracing the blessing(s) that came out of the situation/ circumstances you are regretting. The evening continued and I didn't stop the thoughts, I said to myself "never do this again", it wasn't until I realized I would be cutting myself off from something I absolutely want to experience again with the RIGHT person. I then redirected my thoughts to what I want for my future eventually drifting off to sleep. As I was awakened in the wee hours of the morning (I may compose an entry about that if something comes to me), I had thoughts of hate for this person yet these thoughts were not my own. I don't know how to explain that really, but once I was aware of them I shut it down! I told myself, "you don't hate this person, you actually want the best for them and it hurts to watch them continue to make irrational choices with no real thought or planning behind them". I was also forced to acknowledge that the words spoken did hurt, not because "a hit dog will holla", but because I recognized that this person was projecting their self imagine onto me. In that moment I sent vibrations of love, understanding and confidence to them.
As I took to my twitter (@ShoesEqualAmore) after all of this, the words that came to me were:
1) Be careful of the words you allow to dwell in your mind. Some ppl will say things to you out of fear, hate, resentment, envy, etc and if you aren't careful it'll suck you in.
2) Don't allow outside influences to alter your beliefs or your state of mind.
3) And understand the power in recognizing and understand the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing.
