Afternoon Rambling

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.    I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was happening to me I thought I could just relocate and things would improve.  Then I thought about the other people who were effected by the same situation as I was and I felt the need to look past myself and speak up for all of "us".  Never did I imagine what that would actually entail.  I took to my social media this Morning and allowed my thoughts to thrive rather than censor them.  I mentioned if I had the opportunity to do things over and how I would have chosen differently.  Although that is true, I then wonder where my life would be today.

I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really.  I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues.  I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside.  That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience.  I tend to over-think rather than over-share.  Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft.  I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago.  It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it.  I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights".  I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.  


Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams.  I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming.  I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested.  At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me.  Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me.  I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith.  As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.  


As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery.  Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either.  It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with.  The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often.  At least that's my hope going forward.  

Until next time...

No Holding Back

I always have a difficult time deciding what to "give up" for lent. My first thought is always communication; or should I say "people"? I'll keep my reasons to my self.  The funny part is, it's typically because of my "attitude" during this time; the few times I've chosen to participate in lent, I gave up communication in addition to a dietary change.  Since dealing with various changes in my life as well as with my health, I am considering trying a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle as a way to challenge myself for lent.  Then I thought how trivial that is in the grand scheme of things.  Only because I've done those types of cleanses or fasting before, where's the challenge in that?  I suppose a greater challenge would be to commit to writing; well posting more often for the next 40 days.  There's a thought...

Although I am not Catholic, I find myself incorporating various customs from other religions in an attempt to gain spiritual balance or clarity.  When I participated in Ramadan, it completely changed my outlook on quite a few things.  So with this I thought, although giving up various aspects of my diet would be beneficial, it is rather superficial because in the back of my mind the motive is actually to shed a few unwanted pounds all in the name of sacrifice.  I don't need lent for that, I need self-control and discipline (lol).  So I've decided (partly) to redefine my communication boundaries along with making a commitment to write more.

There was a time when I'd get in a particular mood and without notice I'd change my telephone number or delete people from my life.  Mostly, due to my attitude when in contact or communication with those individuals; a few years ago I had an argument with someone and the outcome was a promise that I would not "run away" anymore.  Since then I've kept that promise, yet as I've grown in various ways I also recognize aspects of my personality effected by the disorders.  Understanding I have personality disorders I find it difficult to interact with others; I won't go into great detail.  Nevertheless, as I took some time this past week to access my thoughts, feelings and emotions regarding "people" I acknowledged the fact that I truly have (some) issues, in real life.  I find that the support, love, appreciation, etc. that I'd expect from those closest to me often comes from complete strangers.  In the past I found it difficult to accept this as a fact, so I glossed over it hoping, wishing, praying that those who I craved the attention from would reciprocate.  At some point, I read the law of detachment and that truly put things in perspective for me.  Once I incorporated that concept into my daily routine, it became a part of who I am. Although the Anxiety Disorder likes to attach itself to things and cause worry and despair, it is a battle to hold on to the principles I know work in the long run.

The other day on social media, a friend expressed their frustration or hurt based on lack of support.  In that moment this friend shared my exact sentiments.  One thing that has helped me was the philosophy expressed in detaching as well as the law of attraction, and of course to quote Rumi, "what you seek is seeking you"; meaning (at least for me), I no longer seek to control or manipulate those elements of life or have temper tantrums when someone doesn't treat me or support me the way I think they should.  Instead, I send the vibrations of love and support, along with other needs/wants/ desires and I find those things return to me without question.  It doesn't always look the way I may expect, but the beautiful thing about Universal Law as well as developing an intimate relationship with God has been, once I stopped trying to make people treat me a certain way, I began to receive that treatment; even from complete strangers.  When the scriptures say how God will shower you with blessings you don't have room enough to receive; I think that's a great example of it.

I am not suggesting that everything will be "Sunshine and Rainbows", however when it rains, there are those who come to my aide without question.  There are some who randomly call, text or whatever with cheerful things to say or advise.  I won't go into everything that I am dealing with now, for sake of privacy, however in the past I would be ready to give up on life; mostly because I felt so alone and unloved.  It took some time as well as some very truthful words from various Loved Ones, mainly my Dad (smile) and I realized the error, or should I say the hurt I was creating for myself by thinking that everyone should be, say, do certain things.  I've chosen these days not to necessarily "run away", but I am working on establishing healthy boundaries that work for me as well as eliminating the negative vibes and energy I receive.  I understand not everyone will like me, my lifestyle or the things that I choose to say, and it was quite liberating to come to terms with that. Yet these days I find more love, acceptance and support than before; perhaps because that's what I give in addition to the fact that's where I direct my energy.

Year's ago I heard or read something Rev Run said that created a paradigm shift in my awareness; he said "go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated".  How simple yet profound,  I took that quote and applied it not only to my "real" life, but also my social media efforts as well as with the Blog.  I notice the support I receive from Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter is vastly different from what I receive on FaceBook.  I recall a time when that would hurt my feelings, so I stopped posting on FaceBook other than quotes and cliche information; while exposing my Heart and vulnerabilities with the other outlets, this was before I made the Blog public (I believe).  Then I thought, fuck that! I had a desire to share whatever, whenever, where ever I chose to.  Now, I still notice the difference however more importantly it doesn't bother me.  I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't share from a space of seeking approval or "likes", but I would share from my Heart and from my Mind.  Sometimes people don't get it, and that's fine; since my desire is not necessarily for people to understand me, but moreso to express my Self in words or art and allow those energies to flow through me.

I suppose that's the "answer", for lent I am giving up the comfort of holding back.  I desire to elevate my writing, thoughts and expressions; how can I do that constantly censoring myself for people who don't even support what I do?  Now that I think about it, I can't help but laugh at myself yet I am grateful for this outlet as a way to brainstorm and get to the root of the thing(s) that may be hindering me from my dreams.  As well as bring me closer to my Self in addition to the beautiful Soul's I've encountered thus far.  I am looking forward to growth, revelation and artistic expression.

Namaste :)

Good Mourning...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.  

The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the first time I've mentioned it.  

Prior to that I grieved my life; not literally, but the life I knew up until a particular point.  I lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, watched it move from space to space until finally I am somewhere that I can call "home"; although I still don't feel that way.  I don't feel at home anywhere.  I honestly don't want to be here anymore, this place, this city, whatever.  Do not be alarmed, this is not a cry for help.  Times like this I question my purpose, I question decisions I've made as well as indecision's which contributed to my current state of being.  As if in retrospect I could pinpoint the snag that unraveled my life (as I designed it).  I find myself fed up, angry and hurt.  As I mourn another "death" that was a long time coming.

I am growing to hate this disorder and all of it's co-conspirator's! With all of the techniques, enlightenment, positive thinking, etc.  I still find myself fighting a battle within that seems to gain strength daily.  Then I think of the comforting words spoken to me as a child, that's strange.  I've suppressed my childhood, aside from a few occasions, but mostly I remember lessons learned from shows and various relationships that are special to me (which aren't many).  Last year I found myself seeking a space to feel as if I belonged.  Shortly after I realized that space wasn't here.  I traveled to sub-space for a bit and felt more alone than before.  Without going into detail I realize being inland has slowly killed the girl I once knew.  The woman I saw in the mirror daily; and the longer I am here I find myself in disbelief.  

I can't believe only 50 miles away was happiness, acceptance and love.  Here is just blah!

I took a trip recently, down memory lane with someone who was a great influence in my childhood and young adult years.  He recommended that I go within and clear up the wounds of my childhood which makes it difficult to navigate in the current space that I am in.  The thing is I am surrounded by "trigger's" here. I didn't even realize it until now, which makes sense seeing how I've been battling my illnesses as well as various/ recent emotional trauma and dare I say, betrayal since I got here.  Now I just want to sleep, like I did yesterday, for the majority of the day without  many interruptions.  I may do the same today despite the lovely weekend I have planned, depression wants me to dwell on the pain.  That's one thing I don't do, I've chosen not to wallow in the bullshit that is these disorders.  I thought we were going to co-exist so to speak, like a "live and let live" type of arrangement, but I realize now, they are trying to kill me...  Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression are some heavy burden's to bare.  I find myself seeking knowledge and remedies to manage them and I find fluff or writings filled with mediocre gibberish which just makes me think the author suffers from self esteem and confidence issues.  Neither of those are my problems, however on the bright side, after a year and four month I have a therapist on the horizon.

I won't discuss that much, but I am happy that someone else will be able to help me sort through these feelings and such so that I can move on with my life.  Although I am in an unhappy place, I refuse to allow that to sink in.  My prayers, hopes, dreams and desires are worth the fight.  Just some days, especially this Morning are a bit harder than others.

Eventually I may write about how I feel, but I don't believe this is the appropriate outlet or time for it.  I've accepted the fact that I need to embrace the darkness within; the side I've been avoiding; because it's ugly and the scars it's left behind are disheartening, but I suppose that was the purpose.  I found myself faced with my worst nightmare and from the moment the initial anxiety attack occurred it's been one angry bird after another triggering the underlying issues hiding in the dark spaces.  I won't continue,  I feel as if I am feeding into it, then again avoiding it hasn't been working either.  I'll save this for therapy.  

In the meantime,  I'll continue to cope as I have been and hopefully I'll be able to post here and there when the words that find themselves on the page aren't too personal or should I say, private.

I'm going to sleep now (I think) and I pray when I awake (if God be willing) this mood, attitude and depression will be someplace away from me; even if it's just momentary.  The last time I was in mourning was in my teens; so this is -exhale- whatever.

Good Night.