Standing On God's Promises

Without going into detail, this entire week has been exhausting; Emotionally, Mentally & Physically. I understood yesterday more than ever that as much as my efforts are helping fight the Disorders the missing ingredient has been Therapy; which has become imperative. 

The good news is there's progress and I'm standing on Faith in God and His Words & Promises that all of the "hold up's" will be removed and things will flow perfectly according to God's perfect will and in His divine timing. in Jesus name, amen. 

Up All Night- OverThinking

funny how the "sound of silence" allows for the most amazing "moments of clarity". 

I started a blog entry some time last year; or perhaps the year before. as I dug deep within I decided I wasn't ready to go to That Space... well it appears to be inevitable, since various conversations scratched it's surface. 

now I'm up all night over-analyzing when I just want to sleep. I just pray this isn't another "Migraine Season"; those are Thee Worst. 

Honesty Hour: Part Deux

When I decided to begin blogging again I made a mental note to exclude posts concerning sex as well as sexuality.  After looking back regarding sharing my experience with abstinence, and a few encounters, although I received great feedback I felt some type of way about the information published. I feel as if it is a vulnerable and private space which should remain sacred.  However as I dive deeper into my Self along this journey of Spirituality, Consciousness and self discovery, I am realizing how Sexuality is coming to mind more often than ever before.  With that being said   I guess I should start from the beginning (so to speak).

Rewind to Ramadan (June 28- July 27, 2014), although I am not Muslim, I decided to observe the practice of fasting, I will admit, it was an awesome experience; however as I am not new to fasting and/or cleansing I seemed to have a hard time coming out of it this time.  Actually, my body is still "in" Ramadan.  I know that may seem odd, but my appetite has yet to fully return.  Prior to the experience I had somewhat of a love/hate relationship with food as my desire to be skinny healthy and slender sometimes borders on obsession.  Along with that, my desire to connect sexually increased as well.  I began to allow my thoughts concerning various desires I'd always suppressed to flow through my mind, with accepting my self, to the core; I began to really explore how deep these thoughts, rather fantasies went. To my surprise, it seems as if it is very much apart of what makes me, "me".

For a little over a month, maybe two I've realized that my chakras are over active; I've mentioned in a few recent posts I've begun practicing Kundalini Yoga; along with other yoga practices which like fasting isn't all that new to me, well that is until during one Kundalini experience where I felt my hips widen or something crazy, which was after the initial "leg shaking" experience which grew to become expected.  All I remember is the feeling of ecstasy I felt right after it occurred and needless to say I've been hooked ever since!  Once I realized the energy level I knew it was also time to transmute it to focus on something more creative than desires and fantasies; so I re-read chapter 11 of "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill several times in an attempt to tap into my "genius".  I figured with all of the activities I already engage in, perhaps I need another one.  Which is a bit overwhelming seeing how I already spend my days reading, writing, participating in social media, yoga, walking, running, some hiking and that's just to name a few of my regular activities.  I also decided to cut back on an herb I am taking, MacaRoot as it is known to balance hormones as well as aide in fertility, and many other health benefits.  With all of my attempts to redirect this energy it keeps creeping up stronger each time, so I posed a question onto my Facebook page to explore some other activities in order to gather information as well as trigger a thought or concept I may not have thought of already.  Well, the only thing I found was other yoga practices.  That is until earlier this week after a conversation with my "love guru", soon after speaking briefly about some things on my mind I found an article which covered exactly what I want to experience. 

Compared to others I've spoken to, I am a bit of a late bloomer however I am quite satisfied with my experiences, overall.  However there's one thing that I've done that I suppose I am seeking again;  I never knew the term or how to express it exactly, that is until I read about "Soul Fucking" on Elephant Journal which talks about an extreme sexual connection; which brought tantra and kama sutra to mind.  I have books on both subjects however I have yet to do more than flip through or read a chapter here and there.  I read another article today which was quite underwhelming in comparison, and I have yet to find anything else which speaks about channeling creative energy or how to completely deal with sexual energy.  I understand that the desire is completely natural, but I am curious to know how others deal with hmmm a hyper-active sex drive.  Like, if you are truly in touch with yourself to the core, is this a common "side effect" for lack of a better term or is this just unique or a case by case basis? For those who may be practicing abstinence or celibacy, how do you direct your energy without creating frustration?  In a bit of research, I read how depression, stress as well as anxiety and other factors can also cause this "issue", yet I was hoping to find more insight rather than use my "disorders" as the go to cause for these thoughts.

In addition, as I come to terms with the issue which is my appetite I am now questioning the path of diet and entertaining the idea of trying vegetarianism or pescetarianism, which I've done before.  The trouble with that so far is each time the concepts come to mind it also triggers thoughts of completely alternative lifestyles, which I am unsure how much I am truly ready to explore.  Well, let me take that back.  It isn't so much that I am unsure how much I want to explore, it's more so, how much I actually want to share as it would be somewhat public as the voice of the Blog is to share my experiences along my journey into womanhood.  So I guess I am willing to open up a little more than I originally planned concerning the direction.  Seeing how the primary goal for blogging is to express myself and not hold so many thoughts in my head; especially as I am dealing with so many things I must come to terms with such as mental health disorders and illness along with Spiritual growth and overall awareness.

To be continued...

Honesty Hour

Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface.  For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts.  I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression, which I never rarely talk about.  I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy.  Well, I was wrong.  It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety, but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind.  If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga.  I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've stepped up my prayer and meditation life (I'll share more soon), yet I'm still depressed.  The part that confuses me is, I'm also happy.  How is that even possible?  There are circumstances beyond my control which stimulate or "trigger" the depression as well as the constant presence of anxiety.  However, the aspects of my life which are very much my responsibility, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss. 

 

Last week was pure shit, by Tuesday I'd typed a post on my Facebook and after reading it several times (if you weren't aware, I'm also very OCD) my mood continued to worsen.  I then realized in that single post I'd typed the word "hate" three times; here's a "fun fact" typically if I say something once, I mean it, since I've already thought and over-thought about it a bunch in my Head.  If I say it twice I really mean it and if I say it more than that it's absolutely how I feel and most likely won't change. So I deleted the post and turned my attention to something more productive.  The rest of the week escapes me as I had way too many thoughts, feelings, emotions and tears creating what felt like a Storm within my Mind and Body.  I realized then that I desperately needed to write, but knew that I couldn't based on what I might have said.  Soon after I realized I haven't been to therapy since (approximately) October 2013, and desperately needed to confide in someone as candidly as possible. So I posed a question on Twitter and to my surprise it was answered followed by an honest, helpful and enlightening conversation. Later I spoke with a friend which lead to another self discovery concerning the need to get these things off my chest since repressing my feelings became harmful to my overall well-being. I then thought if I was being selfish or self-centered in not wanting to share. I felt as if somehow this information could be used against me in some way or that it truly wouldn't matter as I feel at times I am drowning in apathy.  

By Friday evening I'd let it all go; happy to see the asshole of a week end I opted to spend my weekend in what I refer to as "Introvert Heaven" filled with thought-provoking conversation, reading, fitness, a select few interactions with friends and family, I brushed up on a little French and allowed the feelings to flow though my thoughts with the understanding that they would "play nicely".  Sunday I'd reached a Blissful state which even lasted for much of the Morning until I had to revisit some business which begun last week as well as a few disappointments.  Next thing I know I'm back to a space I felt last week where I was on the verge of an Anxiety Attack; when it happened last week I was alone and in public which is one of my worst fears, especially given the immense tension in the air surrounding current events as well as the stigma associated with Mental Health Disorders or Mental Illness. Well this time I was driving, in that moment I realized I was done for the day and needed to return to the house and regroup.  I began my normal routine in addition to reading through a few of my old post(s) as they came to mind.  Once I began to feel better I decided I had no choice but to share and deal with whatever follows. 

The space of uncertainty and confusion are taking their toll; however I decided early on as the Doctor's were explaining how serious these "issues" are and how I'll have them for the rest of my life, I'd have to fight it with every inch of my Being.  It gets tough, some days tougher than others partly due to my introverted ways as well as other factors I'd rather not share.  Despite all of that I am still encouraged as I know that God is with me and various others who engage in conversation or post quotes, scriptures or music which helps lift my spirits.  My favorite have become the ones who provoke thought or share knowledge as learning has always been a great past time for me; it takes my thoughts away from the past, present and future and allows me to concentrate on one specific area to focus my time and attention.  For me, this helps tremendously since that's usually what's on my Mind; the past, present and future simultaneously.  I find it interesting how people put Anxiety and Depression into a box as if to say "if you're anxious stop worrying about the future and if you're depressed stop thinking about the past", I'm paraphrasing.  That's not my experience, I may share that some other time, but I just get so annoyed when people attempt to make blanket statements or express their biased opinions as if they are universal fact(s). 

Honestly, I feel better for expressing a huge part of what has been weighing me down.  I feel as if I can now move forward into whatever is to come without the nagging thought of keeping that to myself.  Hopefully the other drafts will begin to flow as I have so much more I'd like to share regarding more positive and uplifting matters.  I am truly grateful for this space more than ever since I find myself (temporarily) without therapy.  I appreciate every one of your texts, emails, as well as the tweets, likes, and words of encouragement on various social media sites.  Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope in some way sharing my struggles helps you or someone you know in any way.   

Thanks again for entertaining my thoughts; until next time... Love.