Unless you are new to the Blog you are aware I have been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder. Next month will be two years since the initial attack and that has a few things coming to the surface. For starters, I don't know if it would be classified as a "secret" per say since I know I've mentioned it in various posts. I was also diagnosed with Severe Depression, which I never rarely talk about. I thought if I kept it to myself and "dealt with it quietly" it would go away since I wasn't giving it any attention or energy. Well, I was wrong. It's silently killing me; some days are less difficult if I'm only fighting Anxiety, but other days are brutal since both attack my Mind. If you follow me on Twitter, Instagram and/or Facebook you know that I've gotten back into fitness; mostly walking, running, some hiking and yoga. I've incorporated some reliable herbs into my diet to assist with hormonal balancing and I've stepped up my prayer and meditation life (I'll share more soon), yet I'm still depressed. The part that confuses me is, I'm also happy. How is that even possible? There are circumstances beyond my control which stimulate or "trigger" the depression as well as the constant presence of anxiety. However, the aspects of my life which are very much my responsibility, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss.
Last week was pure shit, by Tuesday I'd typed a post on my Facebook and after reading it several times (if you weren't aware, I'm also very OCD) my mood continued to worsen. I then realized in that single post I'd typed the word "hate" three times; here's a "fun fact" typically if I say something once, I mean it, since I've already thought and over-thought about it a bunch in my Head. If I say it twice I really mean it and if I say it more than that it's absolutely how I feel and most likely won't change. So I deleted the post and turned my attention to something more productive. The rest of the week escapes me as I had way too many thoughts, feelings, emotions and tears creating what felt like a Storm within my Mind and Body. I realized then that I desperately needed to write, but knew that I couldn't based on what I might have said. Soon after I realized I haven't been to therapy since (approximately) October 2013, and desperately needed to confide in someone as candidly as possible. So I posed a question on Twitter and to my surprise it was answered followed by an honest, helpful and enlightening conversation. Later I spoke with a friend which lead to another self discovery concerning the need to get these things off my chest since repressing my feelings became harmful to my overall well-being. I then thought if I was being selfish or self-centered in not wanting to share. I felt as if somehow this information could be used against me in some way or that it truly wouldn't matter as I feel at times I am drowning in apathy.
By Friday evening I'd let it all go; happy to see the asshole of a week end I opted to spend my weekend in what I refer to as "Introvert Heaven" filled with thought-provoking conversation, reading, fitness, a select few interactions with friends and family, I brushed up on a little French and allowed the feelings to flow though my thoughts with the understanding that they would "play nicely". Sunday I'd reached a Blissful state which even lasted for much of the Morning until I had to revisit some business which begun last week as well as a few disappointments. Next thing I know I'm back to a space I felt last week where I was on the verge of an Anxiety Attack; when it happened last week I was alone and in public which is one of my worst fears, especially given the immense tension in the air surrounding current events as well as the stigma associated with Mental Health Disorders or Mental Illness. Well this time I was driving, in that moment I realized I was done for the day and needed to return to the house and regroup. I began my normal routine in addition to reading through a few of my old post(s) as they came to mind. Once I began to feel better I decided I had no choice but to share and deal with whatever follows.
The space of uncertainty and confusion are taking their toll; however I decided early on as the Doctor's were explaining how serious these "issues" are and how I'll have them for the rest of my life, I'd have to fight it with every inch of my Being. It gets tough, some days tougher than others partly due to my introverted ways as well as other factors I'd rather not share. Despite all of that I am still encouraged as I know that God is with me and various others who engage in conversation or post quotes, scriptures or music which helps lift my spirits. My favorite have become the ones who provoke thought or share knowledge as learning has always been a great past time for me; it takes my thoughts away from the past, present and future and allows me to concentrate on one specific area to focus my time and attention. For me, this helps tremendously since that's usually what's on my Mind; the past, present and future simultaneously. I find it interesting how people put Anxiety and Depression into a box as if to say "if you're anxious stop worrying about the future and if you're depressed stop thinking about the past", I'm paraphrasing. That's not my experience, I may share that some other time, but I just get so annoyed when people attempt to make blanket statements or express their biased opinions as if they are universal fact(s).
Honestly, I feel better for expressing a huge part of what has been weighing me down. I feel as if I can now move forward into whatever is to come without the nagging thought of keeping that to myself. Hopefully the other drafts will begin to flow as I have so much more I'd like to share regarding more positive and uplifting matters. I am truly grateful for this space more than ever since I find myself (temporarily) without therapy. I appreciate every one of your texts, emails, as well as the tweets, likes, and words of encouragement on various social media sites. Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope in some way sharing my struggles helps you or someone you know in any way.
Thanks again for entertaining my thoughts; until next time... Love.
By Friday evening I'd let it all go; happy to see the asshole of a week end I opted to spend my weekend in what I refer to as "Introvert Heaven" filled with thought-provoking conversation, reading, fitness, a select few interactions with friends and family, I brushed up on a little French and allowed the feelings to flow though my thoughts with the understanding that they would "play nicely". Sunday I'd reached a Blissful state which even lasted for much of the Morning until I had to revisit some business which begun last week as well as a few disappointments. Next thing I know I'm back to a space I felt last week where I was on the verge of an Anxiety Attack; when it happened last week I was alone and in public which is one of my worst fears, especially given the immense tension in the air surrounding current events as well as the stigma associated with Mental Health Disorders or Mental Illness. Well this time I was driving, in that moment I realized I was done for the day and needed to return to the house and regroup. I began my normal routine in addition to reading through a few of my old post(s) as they came to mind. Once I began to feel better I decided I had no choice but to share and deal with whatever follows.
The space of uncertainty and confusion are taking their toll; however I decided early on as the Doctor's were explaining how serious these "issues" are and how I'll have them for the rest of my life, I'd have to fight it with every inch of my Being. It gets tough, some days tougher than others partly due to my introverted ways as well as other factors I'd rather not share. Despite all of that I am still encouraged as I know that God is with me and various others who engage in conversation or post quotes, scriptures or music which helps lift my spirits. My favorite have become the ones who provoke thought or share knowledge as learning has always been a great past time for me; it takes my thoughts away from the past, present and future and allows me to concentrate on one specific area to focus my time and attention. For me, this helps tremendously since that's usually what's on my Mind; the past, present and future simultaneously. I find it interesting how people put Anxiety and Depression into a box as if to say "if you're anxious stop worrying about the future and if you're depressed stop thinking about the past", I'm paraphrasing. That's not my experience, I may share that some other time, but I just get so annoyed when people attempt to make blanket statements or express their biased opinions as if they are universal fact(s).
Honestly, I feel better for expressing a huge part of what has been weighing me down. I feel as if I can now move forward into whatever is to come without the nagging thought of keeping that to myself. Hopefully the other drafts will begin to flow as I have so much more I'd like to share regarding more positive and uplifting matters. I am truly grateful for this space more than ever since I find myself (temporarily) without therapy. I appreciate every one of your texts, emails, as well as the tweets, likes, and words of encouragement on various social media sites. Please know that you are in my prayers and I hope in some way sharing my struggles helps you or someone you know in any way.
Thanks again for entertaining my thoughts; until next time... Love.
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