What Now?

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.  

I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never experienced before; I suppose I was longing to Live, rather than simply exist as I had been before. I moved to an area of the City that spoke to my Heart, I lived many miles away for most of my life, until I began a job in 2003 which totally opened my eyes to another way of living.  I interacted with people from various cultures, ethnicity's, etc.  and I was "in my element" as the saying goes.  That is until I attempted to turn my job into a career.  I found myself facing unexpected obstacles; the crazy part about that was, the challenges didn't come from strangers.  So rather than challenging this situation, I chose to move in a different direction.  I don't recall a lot about 2003- 2009 that I would like to share with the Blog that I haven't already; However, I will say, those were quite adventurous, emotional and trying years.  

2009- 2011 were rough for my relationships as I found myself beginning a journey I knew nothing about.  I found myself with a job that I could see transitioning into a career I'd be "happy" with.  To be honest, I was in love with my job; more so than socializing.  I worked and whatever else I chose to do with my time and suddenly I found myself unhappy.  After reflecting on the emptiness of "pouring" myself into other people's dreams, hopes, happiness, etc. yet my dreams were "on hold", I understood something(s) needed to change.  I was no longer in love with work nor my personal life; so I slept, or should I say dreamt?  I spent my private time in my dreams, visioning the life I desired to live.  While existing, I'd pray; I'd ask God to lift the burden of unhappiness.   Shortly after, I don't recall what I was watching on television, but I heard Rev Run say "go where you are celebrated; not where you are tolerated." it was in that moment that something clicked in my Mind as well as in my Heart; yet it took a little while for me to fully understand what that meant, for me.  

So here we are in 2015 and I am finally putting those words into action.  I've decided I can no longer adjust myself in order to prevent someone from exiting my life.  I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself for Others in a way in which I do not feel it being returned.  I feel as if I am alone, actually lonely.  A feeling I've honestly never felt before in my life, until now.  I feel betrayed and abandoned, but I've kept that to myself up until recently; only disclosing that information to my therapist.  In recent weeks, perhaps months I found myself transitioning from introvert to hermit and knew I needed to make some adjustments once again.  Trouble is, I don't mind so much; being a hermit that is.  I find not depending on anyone else has made me stronger yet also exposes various weaknesses.  I am unsure if this is actually the case or a delusion my mind has convinced me of.  I am on the verge of an Anxiety Attack, and I feel it may be rather intense so I've been pushing it down for as long as I can.  I don't want to experience it, especially by myself.  So I've been distancing myself from people I feel are "wrong" for this aspect of my journey.  I feel as if the unsupportive, uncaring and self-serving people I was once surrounded by are no longer a part of my life.  I feel as if at this stage of my disorder I have reconnected with a part of myself that I've long forgotten, a part that (possibly) would've protected me from suffering from the initial Anxiety Attack and prevented the conditions I face today.  Although, I am quite sure this was unpreventable; as the Doctor's have stated various times, some people are prone to various conditions, disorders and issues.  But I like to think that had I been more focused on self-preservation I would've detected the danger before walking blindly into it.

As I attempt to make better decisions and dig myself out of the space I feel myself in, I am looking forward to those "right" things which are expected to happen.  I am working on a couple books as well as another website, I am in no rush to complete them as I feel the directions are developing and I want to make sure that I am truly happy with the finished products.  I think maybe this is why this happened to me.  I hate feeling like a "victim" however I won't go into detail about what caused me to develop these disorders and conditions, but I will say that it was beyond my control which makes the suffering far worse than if this had been something that I've dealt with my entire life.  So I am extremely selective with the people and places I chose to spend my time with.  Making sure to remain as much in control as possible however finding a balance in the unknown.  I am scared; but I see a future that perhaps I was destined to live.  I feel as if I should advocate for Mental Health issues, especially in the Black community.  I don't even know where to begin other than sharing my experiences, but I suppose that's where the book comes in (details to come).  I feel as if we need to get past the prescription of "faith" and "prayer" in order to overcome serious chemical imbalances which are expressed differently depending on the condition and chemical make-up on the person effected as well as the various medications prescribed which may make matters worse.  I am no psychologist or psychiatrist, but I know a flawed system when I see one.

As someone who battles mental illness I feel as if it is much deeper than a prayer for healing, as we all know "faith without works is dead." therefore along with having the faith to endure the excruciating effects of mental illness it is also imperative to take necessary action to manage your well-being, whether with medication, natural remedies, along with a healthy spiritual life that assists with making the days better; which is different for each of us dealing with our own specific disorders and methods of "healing".  I believe I can make some sort of difference, even if it's just showing someone that they are not alone in how they feel or what they may be experiencing.  My goal through the book is to possibly prevent what has happened to me from happening to someone else, even if it's just one person.  I feel a renewed sense of focus now that the medications are leaving my body, although I can tell the effects on my brain, I am determined to protect myself on a level I had not considered before, knowing that I must shield myself from various elements, circumstances as well as people as they are not conducive to my well-being.  Perhaps I've outgrown them or the level of need and care for myself has developed in a way I had not imagined before.  Nevertheless, I feel as if I have to take control of my Self (mind, body and soul) as d'evils are attempting to damage my Being the same way it has damaged my brain; one thing I can not allow to happen and one thing I am devoted to fixing.  I suppose time will tell and until then I will do everything within my power to do what's in my best interests from now on.  I suppose I've had a moment of clarity.

Tears Won't Fall

I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry.  My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur.  After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed.  Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway.  I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail.  Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered.  I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed?

I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the table" as if I ate my way into this state of Being.  Which of course triggered some emotional eating, as I've mentioned before on the Blog I battle that from time to time.  Rather than explaining myself to people who've already passed judgement upon me and what they think I'm going through, I've chosen to distance myself.  The part that truly pissed me off more than anything was: as the symptoms continue to reveal themselves I've let all of my Doctor's know every step of the way and what did they do? One Doctor simply increased the dosage of the medication which caused the issues in the first place and the second Doctor recently prescribed another Anxiety medication which upon research has all of the same exact side effects of the previous prescription...

To say I am fed up with the way Mental Health is treated would be an understatement! I will not disclose all of the conditions/ issues I battle however if left in the hands of my Doctor's I would be on medication for Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Nausea as well as Migraines; going from two medications to nearly 5 or more; a lifestyle I refuse to enter.  For years I watched someone very close to me battle with various conditions which required medication and from one thing to another I witnessed the increase in prescriptions from the major issue to controlling the side effects of each pill.  Going into this I informed my Doctor that I refuse to live my life that way, especially if this condition is something I will battle for the rest of my life.  Since that conversation Doctor's have changed, but my sentiments have remained the same.  After my last hospitalization, due to circumstances out of my control I agreed to give the meds another try and this was the result I was hoping to avoid.  

I spent the past few days battling insomnia, sleepless nights which turn to morning, however last night was the worst.  Filled with vomiting and various pains, it took everything in me not to call the paramedic or go to the hospital; I am afraid of what that may trigger.  Adding more stress to an already stressful, unhappy and challenging situation.  In May 2015 I decided I would discontinue my meds and begin detoxing, so I chalked it up to the possibility of the remains of the medications leaving my body and I'd just suffer through it unless it continued.  I feel slightly better, knowing that what I suspected, not quite from the beginning, but once it was crystal clear that I was not with child and I was not simply over-endulging I feel a slight sigh of relief.  Trouble is, I don't know what to do from this point.  I don't know how to reverse the damage done to my body and I feel guilty for once again allowing various things within my control to effect me physically, mentally and emotionally.  I want to cry and stay in bed, but that solves nothing.  I intend to speak with my therapist as well as the psychiatrist which prescribed the last meds.  I feel as if I now have to research alternatives which will be more in the scope of my best interests.  Honestly, if I have to I'll choose "skinny and crazy" over "fat and stable" all day.  I know that may seem superficial, but when you battle Severe Depression, body image can be rather damaging and I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own skin any longer.

For those of you who battle mental health, I am not suggesting that you go off your meds.  Your plan of treatment is between you and your health care provider(s).  Nevertheless, what works for me or what I am willing to do for my health and the way I see myself is solely my right as well as my decision.  So I will discuss a more natural approach to coping with my mental health conditions which for me includes medicinal marijuana which according to the Doctor's isn't good for treating such conditions although various (reputable) studies have proven otherwise.  I know I can not do this alone, especially choosing the route less encouraged by modern medicine, however I know what's best for me and my body; and since (according to Doctor's) I will have this condition for the remainder of my life I am determined to look and feel as best as I can while battling it.  

Overloaded

“We all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss."

~ Paulo Coelho

Normally when I feel this way I do my best to "fall off the face of the Earth";  I often refer to it as "hibernating".  I rarely speak to anyone aside from important matters with the exception of a select few and I focus mainly on my Spirituality.  I find helpful articles or youtube videos which I believe enhance the journey I find myself on.   Providing insight or awareness to something I've thought or meditated about.  As I find myself in a space of uncertainty and unhappiness, I am unsure what to do to pull myself out of this rut (for lack of a better word).  Although I've always been an introvert and found that focusing on myself (mind, body and spirit) is the only way for growth, I am having a difficult time these days.  I joked recently on my twitter regarding the torment of a writer and how the mind of a non-fiction writer must be pure hell.  I am finding myself in that space;  although I have committed to my writing, I am having a difficult time with my thoughts.  In the past I'd allow them to flow freely and they usually land in an euphoric space of desire and wonderment.  However, as of late I find myself filled with stress and uncertainty, to the point where eczema has taken ahold of my left arm from my elbow to my fingertips.  I try not to dwell on the conditions I find as a result of the Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, but on some days it's a bit tougher than others.  Especially when I find myself being pressured into things I know in my heart I am not ready for.

Recently in several conversations I was advised that the only way to overcome is to actually go through the challenge, face the fears and embrace the Light in times of Darkness.  As I find myself in that exact space between fear and trusting GOD and the Universe to make a way for me; I often wonder how I will come out on the other side of these struggles.  I am confident that I will obtain my weight loss goals as I embrace the issues of body image, genetics and eating habits, I can imagine myself being the "size" and shape that I desire.  I believe the changes I am making (especially as we begin a new Month at the height of a Full Moon) will catapult my efforts, making way for results and progress to show.  I am looking forward to "the glow" of cleansing/ detoxing, I know it's coming, however I know I must also be patient; as I did not find myself in this state overnight, it is beyond unrealistic to expect to see results overnight.  I've taken photograph's of myself and I look forward to documenting my journey, although I have chosen to keep that aspect private. One thing I am truly looking forward to is beginning College (again).  I feel as if the growth and development I've undergone during my hiatus will be in my best interest, seeing how I am much more focused as well as determined to complete the goals I've set for myself.  Along with sense of accomplishment and pride; knowing that it is another step towards future goals as well as a vision manifesting.  I intend to disclose more about it when I feel the time is right, but for now I am excited.

I've decided to take a slight intermission from the World as I am getting my shit together and spending most of my energy focusing on my needs.  Along this journey of healing I find that self-care and self-love are essential to maintaining a clear understanding of where the disorders begin and end. I'm learning which thoughts and feelings are induced by medication and which are my own.  There's a specific type of clarity that comes with detaching from the meds and actually spending the time and energy to cope naturally; at least from my experience.  Then the thought of "coping" through life begins to sink in and send me to a space of depression. I won't go into that right now, maybe in another post, for now the concept is too large for me to fully comprehend.  Days like today I'd wish things were as they used to be, I find myself longing for a "home" that no longer exists as well as a life and social engagements that will never be the same (for me); especially as the "holiday"  approaches.  Since I have plans, I've decided to spend the day getting myself together (emotionally, mentally as well as physically) and leave these thoughts on the page and let them go.

Wishing you all a Happy & Safe Independence Day!

Habits

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perhaps towards the end of last year actually.  I've been fighting a feeling which has shown itself to be a bad habit for me.  I made the decision to detach and allow my feelings the opportunity to process and heal, unaware of the void it would create in my writing.   I am unsure how to patch the location of my heart which is now missing. In the past I would have written about it, now I feel as if I am allowing the memories to fade, as if the experience never occurred.  So writing about it, would only further my torment.  

During meditation this afternoon I had a thought, wondering how I know if I am following the right "journey". With decisions and circumstances I find my life a bit derailed from the picture I painted prior to the diagnoses and effects of the disorders.  Often times I am faced with some of my worst fears/ nightmares and as I pray and navigate through what I believe is the right way for me, I find myself deeper and deeper in an abyss.  At times I don't know which way to sanity while other times I am confronted by such harsh realities I find comfort in my tears and happiness in sleep.  I suppose as the journey continues I'll know in the end as I continue to course correct my journey which prayerfully leads to the dreams I have come to hold dear to my heart.

5 Drafts

Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself.  At times that's where the challenge lies,  seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth";  I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share.  I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that).  Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online.

This past few months have been strange.  I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like.  That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored.  It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate through my Mind, Emotions, Thoughts and Feelings all by my lonesome.  

With Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression along with other conditions, issues, and such I find myself struggling (often) to maintain happiness and sanity.  I am in an unfamiliar phase of my journey.  It hurts, it's enlightening as well as challenging.  Recently, I found myself reflecting on some thoughts and realized how much I've transformed my thought pattern.  It's been roughly a year and four months since I've seen a therapist aside from a few group meetings I am able to meet up with from time to time.  So far I've been utilizing the techniques learned through my therapy sessions when I was first diagnosed in 2012.  Trouble is, they aren't quite as effective as they were in the beginning stages of the "illnesses".   I recently found myself depressed.  Until now, I've chosen not to discuss it often; until the other day when I had a thought; although my intention is not to change anyone,  I do realize that others find encouragement, inspiration, etc. from my experiences with similar situations.  I thought to myself, is it delusional to primarily focus on the positive while avoiding the "low's" of life?

Then I run across various articles with the hopes to find comfort or soothing from the words of the author, yet find myself disappointed by the narrative.  I find that a lot of people who write about Mental Illness write from a tone that does not serve me.  Perhaps it is my Hyper-Sensitivity? I don't know, a day or two ago I read an article about curing Social Anxiety which brought up a condition referred to as Childhood Emotional Neglect; after finishing the article I began to question the writer's desired outcome for those who deal with those complex issues.  Then I thought, why am I looking for someone to write my thoughts regarding my experience?

Good News, as of last week therapy is on the horizon; another issue I can't really discuss.  In the past I'd leave the drafts in the box for other reasons, this time I don't completely know why I am choosing not to share.  I've been reading a lot, especially regarding the illnesses I have and I have been extremely frustrated with the "cookie-cutter" approach to Mental Illness.  Not that I have become an expert: however, dealing with mental illness daily opposed to studying mental illness for Education are quite different.  Especially seeing how each individual copes with various things differently.  In writing about my experience as well as reading various texts, articles, etc. I find myself wanting to write my book.  I haven't begun the draft, yet I have a title and a special journal I've decorated and will begin when I feel the time is right.  To my surprise the thought of starting sparked something.  I am looking forward to the process yet a bit nervous for the outcome, guess that's where faith and patience comes in.  Since I am in no rush, I intend to take my time and really put together something that I am proud and excited to share outside of Blogging.

In the meantime, I am going through the drafts and selecting which to delete and which to complete and share.  I know I've said this countless times in previous posts, but I'd like to say once again; Thank you for taking the time to read the Blog and correspond in various ways.  I feel as if I am not in this alone since I know there are those of you out there who express care, concern and empathy for the posts I have chosen to share as well as various social media outlets.  I pray you find yourself in a pleasant space with loving energy despite circumstances and/or situations beyond our control.

Until next time... Love

My Meds & I...

When I take the medication as prescribed it confuses my emotions; I'm either aloof or an (internal) emotional roller coaster and I get tired of that. I feel my depression meds aren't strong enough and I'm still anxious although I have meds for that too. 

Although I haven't had many anxiety attacks since beginning them in 2012, I feel as if I'm always on edge and need a gazillion techniques just to overcome each day. This helps on the "normal" days, but the bad days are pure hell. Keeping that to myself (probably) makes it worse, which is why I decided to share. 

I'm taking a break from my meds now and although my attitude (at times) may be (insert whatever here) that's when I feel like myself (pre-illness) and for brief intervals I'm fine with that. 

Catching Up (Again)...

So I was accepted into the School I applied to, however since I had to complete all of my documentation during Mercury Retrograde I wasn't surprised when "upon review" it was determined that I need to complete more General classes before I can begin my program.  So there's a slight delay, however I am still on track towards the overall goal.  I find myself having dreams or should I say nightmares filled with anxiety about the next phase of my journey, but in the end I know.... well I believe I can overcome them with patience towards myself as well as the proper support.

I took a break from my meds again, this time I am noticing a few side-effects which I will discuss in therapy along with my Doctor and see if possibly changing medication or something could be beneficial.  It seems to be contributing to my weight gain, and I think it goes without saying that I am unhappy about it.  I know this may sound odd, but I'd rather be "skinny" and "crazy" than overweight and "sane".  Does that seem foolish? Oh well... One thing I am learning to embrace is "my truth", that's a term I've used throughout my life, however these days it means more to me than ever before.  I completely understand what may be true for someone else may not be true for me and vice versa; yet I haven't always operated from that standpoint.  I've realized how that could cause confusion in manifesting my own wants, needs as well as desires.  However I've noticed once I made that change of focus things began to work out better for my interests than they had in the past.

As I battle with finding as well as maintaining inspiration, I will try to post more often; it is my desire to blog daily or at least weekly,  I'll make a better effort and see if anything changes.  On another note, I found myself in need of a muse, it seems the passion I had for writing may have diminished (a bit); I am slightly sure of the cause, however I do not know how to improve it.  I feel as if that part is out of my hands and is up to the Universe, fate, destiny and all of that to come into play.  I could be wrong, but for now I am willing to let go of any attempts to control the situation(s) surrounding these challenges.  I believe once the Cosmos settle down a bit (seeing that we are still in Pluto and Neptune Retrogrades) I am positive that has a  lot to do with the way things are flowing throughout my life as of late.  I have no desire to get into any of that in this post, but since I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I will have more to write about in the days to come.

Goodnight.

Catching Up

I've been trying to think of something special to write since it's been so long since I've checked in.  As far as some of the things going on with me.  I guess I should announce that I've been accepted into College.  As I've written before that was an area that I've been avoiding for quite some time, mainly out of fear.  I feared getting started, yet I also feared the process as well as if I'd complete my goal.  I've somehow overcome those fears and decided that I must at least try.  Although I was somewhat worried I am happy with the School I've selected and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me. Another goal I've made for myself is to shed these unwanted pounds,  I have begun a few dietary changes and I am looking forward to the results in the months to come.  

As my state of mind has changed a bit I hope to write more in the days to come.  Until then... Namaste

Early Morning Thoughts

I've begun drawing, at least in my head for now.  I intend to capture the images onto paper in the near future. Not to share, but to stretch my imagination in a way I haven't practiced in quite some time.  At times, I question if I am attempting to be a writer or if it is truly something I desire to become.  Even as I question myself I drift into thought of things I daydream about, the writings left unpublished as well as the songs composed in my heart.  I am not sure why I stopped myself from expressing these things before, or why I've decided to share so much now;  I suppose I reached a point where keeping everything to myself was no longer satisfying. I've read a few notes from a journal simply titled "thoughts", when I purchased it I envisioned pages upon pages, filled with ramblings as well as stories and perhaps the makings of a book. However, after dealing with a few matters along with the ever-present mental health issues I seem to have taken a step back.  For no major reason other than lack of inspiration as well as misplaced passion in my words.  

I am beginning to feel as if with the onset of Spring the healing I've been seeking is also in the atmosphere. Some things that were burden's no longer occupy that particular space.  Along with the understanding that grieving is a necessary process and everyone handles it differently.  Recently, I started keeping better track of my time in addition to my "diet".  I figured as the new year began it was time for me to make better choices, including investing into my Self.  I am glad to say that I am finally beginning to see some results, but due to impatience I would like them to be visible sooner.  More like, immediately (lol). Lately, I've been researching detox/ cleansing tea's; it's a bit overwhelming, because there weren't as many to chose from when I first began this journey a few year's ago.  I thought about completing a Master Cleanse again, but the last attempt wasn't as successful as I had experienced in the past.  I am not completely sure why, but I don't want to waste time or resources; seeing how my main focus are in the results.  

Aside from that I am continuously focused on my well-being and looking for ways to improve my conditions. It seems as if the routine I have is working with some adjustments on the horizon.  Which is good news! So I am being patient with the process of how my writing seems to flow as well as looking forward to improving and sharing more. 

Afternoon Rambling

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so."

Marcus Tullius Cicero

Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.    I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was happening to me I thought I could just relocate and things would improve.  Then I thought about the other people who were effected by the same situation as I was and I felt the need to look past myself and speak up for all of "us".  Never did I imagine what that would actually entail.  I took to my social media this Morning and allowed my thoughts to thrive rather than censor them.  I mentioned if I had the opportunity to do things over and how I would have chosen differently.  Although that is true, I then wonder where my life would be today.

I realize I don't share my dreams with Others, not even on the Blog really.  I often have trouble deciding what I am willing to share and what should be kept to myself, which creates more Anxiety which triggers Depression along with the other issues.  I feel as if I am going to burst! We all know how I despise over-sharing, yet I can't keep everything bottled up inside.  That's the issue with mental health, at least that's what I am learning from my own experience.  I tend to over-think rather than over-share.  Second guessing my words which prolongs the post or delays the draft.  I figured out one of the things blocking me is the fact that I have yet to complete the Advance Directive I was supposed to put in place months ago.  It's just so permanent, and depressing; so I've avoided it up until now. I thought I knew how I'd handle this situation, but the other week I had an anxiety attack; it was a mild one and I was able to push through it.  I've had a couple more since then, I realized the amount of stress and uncertainty I've been under lately as I mentioned on my Twitter feed, I've considered going to a mental health facility, at least to gather more information about my options and "rights".  I've talked myself out of it for months now, praying things will improve as well as using the various techniques I've learned the past few years from therapy.  


Then I zone out, into my fantasy or I guess you can call it my dreams.  I'm wide awake, yet in my future; lucid dreaming.  I know it belongs to me because it's a reflection of my Heart; my desires manifested.  At times I am unsure if it's fact or fiction since it is so sensual; the smells and feelings of my dreams, or should I say "goals" standing in front of me.  Often I awake to experiences of déjà vu and it frightens me.  I am then comforted by thoughts of purpose and assignment (for lack of a better term), sometimes I feel as if I am now facing these disorders as a test of my faith.  As if I will be stronger once I face all of these challenges and able to actually have something to write about; then I won't care if it's too personal at that point because I would have overcome. I thought about the books I'd like to write, perhaps those unpublished expressions are awaiting their turn of a page in the book.  


As I strive to encourage myself as well as Others I am making an effort to step out of my comfort zone and allow my journey to (hopefully) help someone else as well as assist in my recovery.  Understanding, just like I didn't develop these conditions overnight; I shouldn't expect to be "cured" overnight either.  It is not my intention for the Blog to reflect this aspect of my life yet this is what I am currently dealing with.  The fact that my entire day is focused around my well being, specifically my sanity is overwhelming. I desire to write about randomness that comes to my Mind and perhaps I'll share more often.  At least that's my hope going forward.  

Until next time...

No Holding Back

I always have a difficult time deciding what to "give up" for lent. My first thought is always communication; or should I say "people"? I'll keep my reasons to my self.  The funny part is, it's typically because of my "attitude" during this time; the few times I've chosen to participate in lent, I gave up communication in addition to a dietary change.  Since dealing with various changes in my life as well as with my health, I am considering trying a vegan or vegetarian lifestyle as a way to challenge myself for lent.  Then I thought how trivial that is in the grand scheme of things.  Only because I've done those types of cleanses or fasting before, where's the challenge in that?  I suppose a greater challenge would be to commit to writing; well posting more often for the next 40 days.  There's a thought...

Although I am not Catholic, I find myself incorporating various customs from other religions in an attempt to gain spiritual balance or clarity.  When I participated in Ramadan, it completely changed my outlook on quite a few things.  So with this I thought, although giving up various aspects of my diet would be beneficial, it is rather superficial because in the back of my mind the motive is actually to shed a few unwanted pounds all in the name of sacrifice.  I don't need lent for that, I need self-control and discipline (lol).  So I've decided (partly) to redefine my communication boundaries along with making a commitment to write more.

There was a time when I'd get in a particular mood and without notice I'd change my telephone number or delete people from my life.  Mostly, due to my attitude when in contact or communication with those individuals; a few years ago I had an argument with someone and the outcome was a promise that I would not "run away" anymore.  Since then I've kept that promise, yet as I've grown in various ways I also recognize aspects of my personality effected by the disorders.  Understanding I have personality disorders I find it difficult to interact with others; I won't go into great detail.  Nevertheless, as I took some time this past week to access my thoughts, feelings and emotions regarding "people" I acknowledged the fact that I truly have (some) issues, in real life.  I find that the support, love, appreciation, etc. that I'd expect from those closest to me often comes from complete strangers.  In the past I found it difficult to accept this as a fact, so I glossed over it hoping, wishing, praying that those who I craved the attention from would reciprocate.  At some point, I read the law of detachment and that truly put things in perspective for me.  Once I incorporated that concept into my daily routine, it became a part of who I am. Although the Anxiety Disorder likes to attach itself to things and cause worry and despair, it is a battle to hold on to the principles I know work in the long run.

The other day on social media, a friend expressed their frustration or hurt based on lack of support.  In that moment this friend shared my exact sentiments.  One thing that has helped me was the philosophy expressed in detaching as well as the law of attraction, and of course to quote Rumi, "what you seek is seeking you"; meaning (at least for me), I no longer seek to control or manipulate those elements of life or have temper tantrums when someone doesn't treat me or support me the way I think they should.  Instead, I send the vibrations of love and support, along with other needs/wants/ desires and I find those things return to me without question.  It doesn't always look the way I may expect, but the beautiful thing about Universal Law as well as developing an intimate relationship with God has been, once I stopped trying to make people treat me a certain way, I began to receive that treatment; even from complete strangers.  When the scriptures say how God will shower you with blessings you don't have room enough to receive; I think that's a great example of it.

I am not suggesting that everything will be "Sunshine and Rainbows", however when it rains, there are those who come to my aide without question.  There are some who randomly call, text or whatever with cheerful things to say or advise.  I won't go into everything that I am dealing with now, for sake of privacy, however in the past I would be ready to give up on life; mostly because I felt so alone and unloved.  It took some time as well as some very truthful words from various Loved Ones, mainly my Dad (smile) and I realized the error, or should I say the hurt I was creating for myself by thinking that everyone should be, say, do certain things.  I've chosen these days not to necessarily "run away", but I am working on establishing healthy boundaries that work for me as well as eliminating the negative vibes and energy I receive.  I understand not everyone will like me, my lifestyle or the things that I choose to say, and it was quite liberating to come to terms with that. Yet these days I find more love, acceptance and support than before; perhaps because that's what I give in addition to the fact that's where I direct my energy.

Year's ago I heard or read something Rev Run said that created a paradigm shift in my awareness; he said "go where you are celebrated, not where you are tolerated".  How simple yet profound,  I took that quote and applied it not only to my "real" life, but also my social media efforts as well as with the Blog.  I notice the support I receive from Instagram, Tumblr and Twitter is vastly different from what I receive on FaceBook.  I recall a time when that would hurt my feelings, so I stopped posting on FaceBook other than quotes and cliche information; while exposing my Heart and vulnerabilities with the other outlets, this was before I made the Blog public (I believe).  Then I thought, fuck that! I had a desire to share whatever, whenever, where ever I chose to.  Now, I still notice the difference however more importantly it doesn't bother me.  I decided a long time ago that I wouldn't share from a space of seeking approval or "likes", but I would share from my Heart and from my Mind.  Sometimes people don't get it, and that's fine; since my desire is not necessarily for people to understand me, but moreso to express my Self in words or art and allow those energies to flow through me.

I suppose that's the "answer", for lent I am giving up the comfort of holding back.  I desire to elevate my writing, thoughts and expressions; how can I do that constantly censoring myself for people who don't even support what I do?  Now that I think about it, I can't help but laugh at myself yet I am grateful for this outlet as a way to brainstorm and get to the root of the thing(s) that may be hindering me from my dreams.  As well as bring me closer to my Self in addition to the beautiful Soul's I've encountered thus far.  I am looking forward to growth, revelation and artistic expression.

Namaste :)

Good Mourning...

I didn't realize I've been grieving; well, suppressing grief.  I thought I said my "good bye"; without going into details, I figured I was "okay".  It seems I've been grieving particular things for a little while now; the dead spaces in my life/ relationships.  I don't care to share the most recent however I believe that is possibly what sent me to the edge.  While dealing with my issues as well as the random "meet and greet" with my "demons" I feel as if I am losing my mind.  

The worst part is, for the majority of my life, when I felt this way I could crawl in my Grandmother's bed and cry or be silent and she'd just know.  She knew what to say or what to do to make me better.  I couldn't go to the funeral and I have yet to visit the site; however I have a special place where I feel I can commune with her.  So far that's comforting, but it's not the same.  Almost 9 months later and this is (I believe) the first time I've mentioned it.  

Prior to that I grieved my life; not literally, but the life I knew up until a particular point.  I lost everything I worked so hard to achieve, watched it move from space to space until finally I am somewhere that I can call "home"; although I still don't feel that way.  I don't feel at home anywhere.  I honestly don't want to be here anymore, this place, this city, whatever.  Do not be alarmed, this is not a cry for help.  Times like this I question my purpose, I question decisions I've made as well as indecision's which contributed to my current state of being.  As if in retrospect I could pinpoint the snag that unraveled my life (as I designed it).  I find myself fed up, angry and hurt.  As I mourn another "death" that was a long time coming.

I am growing to hate this disorder and all of it's co-conspirator's! With all of the techniques, enlightenment, positive thinking, etc.  I still find myself fighting a battle within that seems to gain strength daily.  Then I think of the comforting words spoken to me as a child, that's strange.  I've suppressed my childhood, aside from a few occasions, but mostly I remember lessons learned from shows and various relationships that are special to me (which aren't many).  Last year I found myself seeking a space to feel as if I belonged.  Shortly after I realized that space wasn't here.  I traveled to sub-space for a bit and felt more alone than before.  Without going into detail I realize being inland has slowly killed the girl I once knew.  The woman I saw in the mirror daily; and the longer I am here I find myself in disbelief.  

I can't believe only 50 miles away was happiness, acceptance and love.  Here is just blah!

I took a trip recently, down memory lane with someone who was a great influence in my childhood and young adult years.  He recommended that I go within and clear up the wounds of my childhood which makes it difficult to navigate in the current space that I am in.  The thing is I am surrounded by "trigger's" here. I didn't even realize it until now, which makes sense seeing how I've been battling my illnesses as well as various/ recent emotional trauma and dare I say, betrayal since I got here.  Now I just want to sleep, like I did yesterday, for the majority of the day without  many interruptions.  I may do the same today despite the lovely weekend I have planned, depression wants me to dwell on the pain.  That's one thing I don't do, I've chosen not to wallow in the bullshit that is these disorders.  I thought we were going to co-exist so to speak, like a "live and let live" type of arrangement, but I realize now, they are trying to kill me...  Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression are some heavy burden's to bare.  I find myself seeking knowledge and remedies to manage them and I find fluff or writings filled with mediocre gibberish which just makes me think the author suffers from self esteem and confidence issues.  Neither of those are my problems, however on the bright side, after a year and four month I have a therapist on the horizon.

I won't discuss that much, but I am happy that someone else will be able to help me sort through these feelings and such so that I can move on with my life.  Although I am in an unhappy place, I refuse to allow that to sink in.  My prayers, hopes, dreams and desires are worth the fight.  Just some days, especially this Morning are a bit harder than others.

Eventually I may write about how I feel, but I don't believe this is the appropriate outlet or time for it.  I've accepted the fact that I need to embrace the darkness within; the side I've been avoiding; because it's ugly and the scars it's left behind are disheartening, but I suppose that was the purpose.  I found myself faced with my worst nightmare and from the moment the initial anxiety attack occurred it's been one angry bird after another triggering the underlying issues hiding in the dark spaces.  I won't continue,  I feel as if I am feeding into it, then again avoiding it hasn't been working either.  I'll save this for therapy.  

In the meantime,  I'll continue to cope as I have been and hopefully I'll be able to post here and there when the words that find themselves on the page aren't too personal or should I say, private.

I'm going to sleep now (I think) and I pray when I awake (if God be willing) this mood, attitude and depression will be someplace away from me; even if it's just momentary.  The last time I was in mourning was in my teens; so this is -exhale- whatever.

Good Night.

Scars

"The wound is the place where the Light enters you." 

- Rumi*

At the end of Summer 2012 I underwent surgery;  at the time I believed it was in my best interest.  Yet about 3 months later clouds of vanity interrupted the practical reality of the pain and suffering (physically as well as financially) caused by the issue in the first place.  I believe I have finally reached a space in my Being where I understand how that could be classified as a "flaw".  Nevertheless, my humanity is unhappy with the scars and pain that I deal with years later.  As a woman of a certain age, my Body has begun different changes that I have yet to grow accustomed to; along with my other issues, things have gotten a bit overwhelming.  Some days I remember my youth with fondness, however as I am typing these words which are coming from an unfamiliar space, I realize, I am still young!  Acknowledging my battle with Severe Depression is tough for a (self-diagnosed) Narcissist, but somehow the two exist within.  Funny because it seems as if it would be an impossibility to think so highly of yourself yet doubt and/or second guess every word, thought and decision. I suppose that's where the Anxiety Disorder and OCD comes in.  

I find myself feeling open, wounded, hurt, at times sad; but hopeful and overall content.  I recall spurts of happiness during the day as I find various adventures to keep my Mind along with my Self simulated throughout the Day and into the Evening.  Lately, I've been a bit more of an extrovert which is a huge stretch for me.  I guess that's where the duality, or perhaps "yin/ yang" balance comes into play.  Suddenly, I had the thought to check my Birth Chart (for the millionth time); this time was filled with clarity and a renewed understanding, as if I were reading the words with all of my Eyes completely open (Third Eye included). While reading each section I began to understand my Self (Mind, Body & Soul) on a new level, as if there was a paradigm shift and my Consciousness elevated in that very moment.  

I am still adjusting to my age change, luckily, or should I say thankfully I am not in a negative space regarding it.  I took a few years to prepare for it I suppose.  I've actually been enjoying exciting "Birthday" shenanigans all month long.  I mentioned in a previous entry how I'd been praying for multiple years for something by a particular "age" and after facing the possibility of the truth of how God is truly a "prayer answering God", I am in awe to have the capacity of thought to pull many of the pieces together to support decisions as well as prayers I've made.  It brings to mind the "Law of Attraction" as well as other Spiritual and Universal Laws. Confirming the philosophy of "when you make a decision, the entire Universe conspires to bring it to pass" (I'm paraphrasing).  Simply meaning I believe I am in-tune with an awesome frequency which is allowing me to see as well as process things from a alternative perspective.  

Now I'm beginning to feel as if I've shared too much, or maybe I should've written this in a journal, etc. (there I go second guessing again).  I've decided to stop.   I don't want to spend days, weeks, months away any longer.  I desire to catalog my journey as I've discussed in many of the previous post; as well as the "headline" states.  Rather than spending countless moments re-writing and editing, I'd like to allow my fingers to dance with my heart.  The words on the page should be their reflection, at least that's the mindset I try to have when I write, especially writing to share with you all.  I feel connected, not concerned (completely) with the number of "readers", but more of establishing a relationship.  I feel as if through various channels for social media I've become a little more familiar, looking forward to engaging a bit more this year.  I truly wish to show my growth, not because I think I have matured overnight, but because I would like to reflect on my earlier writing and circumstances and see a true difference.  For example:  Without any forethought I realized I stopped watching television.  Last Fall I was totally anticipating the return of Scandal, as well as the premier of a few other shows;  I believe I've shared this before in a previous entry, nonetheless, I was not impressed with the beginning of the season and could barely stay awake for a few of the other shows I used to adore. Next thing I know, we're approaching Spring and I rarely watch anything other than a football game (Seattle SeaHawks!) or a few glances of a movie or something if I'm visiting and someone is watching something. Without a doubt there is definitely a difference in my focus as well as the amount of information that comes to mind on a regular basis.

I suppose although I am not fully satisfied with the outcome of a decision and the aftermath of it I am learning to heal the wounds rather than pouring salt in them.  Allowing the Light to penetrate the sadness as opposed to letting the depression get the best of me as I have done in the past.  Realizing that although my lower self is preoccupied with a superficial condition; the rest of me understands it was for the best and overall I must live with the outcome of those choices.  Of course it would be so much easier if "Back To The Future" were really possible.  Like, if I could do things over again, how many of my choices would remain the same? That simple question makes me think about multiple aspects of my life and the follow up is "are you settling?"...

Now that's a whole other story. lol...

*quote found on @Rumi_Quote's Twitter page

Sprinkles of Sanity

The other day I chose not to take my medication.  I don't know how long or often that will be the case since I have been feeling extremely stressed; regarding various issues I am facing.  In addition to the accomplishments of November 2014; I believe I may have put a bit too much pressure on myself, yet in those moments I knew I was doing the "right" things.  Checking off various tasks on a to-do list as well as truly seeing strides taken toward a vision I've dreamed of was quite astonishing.  At least for me.  With that, I found myself in December 2014 in a state of unpreparedness, as everything was quite new, unfamiliar and moved at a more rapid pace than I have been accustomed to. Although I experience "deja vu" more often than I used to, I am still learning how to put the puzzle together appropriately.  My desire is to continue on the path, as well as enjoy the journey God has chosen for me.

This has been interesting the past few months as my Birthdate approached; I found myself more in-tuned with my Self yet a bit distant and distracted from Others.  I feel as if various connections have been severed or interrupted without my knowledge or consent (fully).  I find myself unable to discern my next steps which I don't recall experiencing in over a decade.  I had an encouraging conversation with a good friend as well as delightful exchanges with my Love Guru (#1) and (#2).  For the most part, I am still processing the wisdom shared, along with "downloading" the necessary understanding and knowledge from the Universe (GOD). I feel as if He has a plan paved out for me and I am finally in a sense walking in it.  Although religion teaches a quite rigid relationship with the Creator, I find my personal walk to be extremely cohesive as We are Co-Creating my destiny (thanks to free will).  I won't go too deep into my thoughts on that, but I am grateful for the mercy, grace, favor and understanding God shows to me (as well as those of you who acknowledge those things in your life).

While meditating I had an idea to "hibernate" for the duration of Mercury Retrograde, however, after giving it some thought I realized it's been quite some time since I've allowed my Body to truly relax and not stress. Honestly with Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression it seems to be an impossible thing to expect of myself.  Yet, I am determined to try.  I do not know how this hibernation will be structured, nor do I know how much of the Spiritual aspects I will chose to share.  Just know that I do intend to stay in touch through this outlet (The Blog) as well as social media.

The thought actually came to me a few days ago initially.  After a change in my medication, I felt as if lately my coping skills are vastly different from what they once were; especially since I've discovered I have a condition classified as HyperSensitivity. Since that's been an issue (until now I've chosen not to discuss, except with a few) I did not know how to bring it up.  Typically I am vague with my specific issues and conditions as I feel too exposed to manipulation based on my personality as well as how the disorders affect me.  Now at times I believe I should be more open and vulnerable, I've mentioned it in prior entries; then other times I believe I should keep some things to myself or in journals as well as the makings of a Book (or a few).  I guess in those instances, time will tell.

To be continued...

Trouble Thinking

Before I realized it a month had passed without Blogging; although it wasn't intentional, I feel some type of way about it.  I thought about transferring my thoughts from my journal(s), however I wanted to share something new, fresh and from the heart.  Trouble is, my heart is dealing with a few things that are too personal to share at the moment; perhaps as time goes on there will be more things that I can talk about, but for now...

Crazy how things seem to unfold,  I prayed for many years for something with a deadline attached, I already know the "law of attraction" as well as that old saying "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it"... Well, it's too soon to tell, but I think (one of my many) prayers has been answered.  Unfortunately, the timing has me second guessing and reconsidering; which makes me feel as if I am being ungrateful or unreasonable in processing this possible change in my life.  Maybe the word I'm looking for is selfishness?  I probably shouldn't even be typing this, however with a therapist no where in sight until the end of February or March, I don't feel as if it's that bad to share vaguely.  

With that said, I apologize if this post seems a bit cryptic, I probably shouldn't even "publish" it, but I felt the need to get the words out and since they seem to be flowing freely, I will let them live.  Once I have more insight and information I may open up a bit more and share in detail what I mean and how I am feeling, but for now I'll leave things as they are.

I've missed you all and I apologize for the late wishes, but nonetheless, Happy New Year! Hopefully it's filled with happiness, abundance and wisdom.