"to whom do I owe the symbols of my survival? to whom do I owe the woman I have become?
Audre Lorde
It took me a moment to realize if I wanted to share on here or the other blog and I thought it would be more appropriate here since this one is surrounded around me becoming the woman I envision myself as. I feel as if I've spent plenty of time in my thoughts about my feelings rather than my feelings about my emotions; as a Capricorn (Sun sign) I am unsure what to do with that. I feel as if it was time to refocus on what that means and why I began writing to begin with. It's been so long I don't know where to start, but I do know why I begun sharing my thoughts, feelings and emotions on the blogs. I suppose as the quote suggests a feeling of "owing" the symbols of my survival for those of us who are still becoming. By sharing my experiences some will know that they are not alone in what they may be going though while others, may gain some insight or clarity in what they may be experiencing on their personalized journeys.
For the past four years I've mostly written about thoughts and feelings, but for some reason tonight I am focused on writing, and where I want to go with it. I've mentioned before the desire to write a book, yet now I don't really know what I'd like to say. The following quote helps a little; it says: "everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart."~ Rumi. I know my hearts desire is to write and for now I am enjoying the things that seem to come to light as I allow my fingers to cross the keys uninterrupted. It feels freeing and at times a bit scary after I've re-read the things I've shared. Not scary in a sense of thinking I've overshared, but more so the level of vulnerability I've allowed myself to show. I feel as if certain placements in my natal chart are emerging from deep within and it's time to allow those sides of myself to flourish. I think that gives me pause as well, making me think I need to write more in my journal while knowing what to share here as well.
I feel as if I am ready to journey into an aspect of myself I am still discovering and as I re-read the first quote I think I may owe it to myself to continue to share, but maybe more on this outlet in addition to the others. As I shared in Sitting In Silence I've been focusing on my chakras and restoring balance, I can feel them opening and the energy clearing from blockages throughout. Even more so after smoking a strain called "Golden Dream" which is a blend of Golden Ticket and Blue Dream, two of my all time favorite strains. I could feel the tingling in my spine, up to my brain like a wave, massaging my brain from the inside out. Only a few strains give me that feeling, even though I predominantly stick to sativa I now choose hybrids. If you are familiar with my resent entries I've been debating calling my former therapist to discuss some things I've been feeling, I feel as if it's almost time to do that. I think I am releasing a lot of energy that hasn't been serving me for quite some time now, and I may need someone other than friends or my tarot reader to help decipher them.
It feels good to write here after so long, I think it may even be time to revisit the two hundred plus drafts I have left unpublished. I've read a few, but the only thing stopping me from sharing some of them is the timestamp; I don't want it to seem as if they are new thoughts or experiences when some of them date back to 2016. I'd like to keep the expressions in the same order as they came to me. In time I may get over that or perhaps I won't and they will remain in the drafts. Then a lingering thought of extending those entries for chapters of the book, maybe that is the direction I should go in? Funny, I usually don't share these types of thoughts, but for some reason I don't mind tonight. My fear is that I'll keep mentioning in yet procrastinate on actually manifesting that into my reality. I then think back on my recent writings about allowing things to happen in the appropriate time. As fireworks echo in the nights sky I feel really good, as if things are working out for me. My hope is that wherever you are, in whatever stage of your journey you find yourself on; that you have peace. I hope that you have or will find your hearts desire and if you feel lead to share it with others that you are doing so. Even if it isn't on a public platform, maybe with friends and family or your community. I know the current state of the world is a lot to deal with these days, but I also hope that we are finding ways to manage to incorporate self-care into the mix; especially for our mental and emotional health.
I think I've come a long way from How Did I Get Here, I feel as if the years of studying myself, clearing negative energy and toxic traits, along with balancing my chakras has brought me closer to the woman I've envisioned for myself. I don't know why I use the word envision, because I feel as if it's just going back to myself before I forgot who I was; I guess more of my authentic self. In writing these words I feel different than I did when I wrote Transparency, only because I thought I would say so much on this blog after writing that; but I ended up focusing on the other blog. This time I feel as if I may share on both. Even when I get a bit confused on which blog to publish. Like tonight, but I took a moment and a toke or two and the revelation came to me simply where this post should go. Sometimes I take a few days to write a post only because inspiration comes and goes or like tonight, I don't know how I want this post to end and I have yet to think of a title. Normally I wouldn't share that either, but I think a side effect of this strain is talkativeness which happens occasionally. It's interesting how that plays out in real time. Add to that the Sun in Scorpio and the Moon in Cancer has that effect as well; not to mention the Super Full (Blue) Moon this past weekend.
Now with Mercury gone direct and several planets still in retrograde I feel as if I need to re-visit the introspection done and perhaps take a beat to process the feelings, emotions and thoughts downloaded during that time. I feel as if I've grown in this short period of time when things were moving at a slower pace; from what I've read of Uranus retrograde I feel the changes in the air. Especially since I've been seeing the number "555" so frequently while Mars retrograde calls for action, I suppose that's why I feel the need to do something, figure something out or learn something I feel like Im supposed to know at this stage of my journey. I think once I reflect some of the answers will come to me, lately in dreams which seem as if they are reality. I will admit, I love those types of dreams; but I tend to sleep much longer than necessary on purpose in order to enjoy the lucidity of them. As the music plays I realize I still don't know what to title this entry and that's been the case for about a week now. Funny how it seems the writer's block has ended yet the details of things are escaping me, I don't know why that is or what to do to correct it, nevertheless, I know the answer isn't too far away. Maybe the answer is regarding why I continue to share or are we past that?
I think the two quotes may tie together in that I feel a sense of survival when I share my experiences, especially in older posts on this blog; seeing how miserable I was and then to overcome so many challenges throughout the years to return happy, healthy and ready to grow more. I feel as if writing may be a form of an escape; an escape from the noise in my head caused by anxiety or what has lifted my depression (with the help of the meds). I feel as if it's an act of survival to write, share and hope that someone relates or find the words relevant to their life or circumstance. I think that's the purpose I have in my heart, I am unsure the level of passion as I wrote on Mysteries Of My Heart, I think like any relationship the level of passion may fluctuate from time to time, but will always return stronger, more grounded, which is what I feel regarding my relationship with writing. Perhaps this is my particular work and the goal is to remain passionate and inspired to write and share, especially on this outlet. I feel as if I have a lot of growing to do, I know spiritually; although it's been my focus for the past twenty years, I still feel like a little girl navigating through the world in a grown persons body. I feel as if I have more healing to do and I am not completely sure where to begin. It's crazy to feel as happy as I do yet knowing there's still spaces within that need to heal from things I did not know affected me throughout this lifetime.
I'm still unsure how this entry will end, so I'll allow some time to pass and just say; to be continued...
