The World Outside My Window

I had a couple conversations on Wednesday which rubbed me the wrong way. It started after I left my 2nd therapy session, I was feeling a mixture of emotions so I put my headphones in and attempted to find my groove as I headed to "The Last of the Lost", I see a guy trying to get my attention and I'm in a mood so I entertain the conversation just to pass the time. He then asks for my number and I figure, what do I have to lose? He calls immediately and proceeds with his "getting to know you" line of questioning. His first mistake was thinking I was much younger than I am, although it is a compliment; he took the "baby face" to mean my mind was young as well. He learned quickly! So I ask him his hobbies, the last book he read and a few other questions that would let me know if this would be a waste of time. I quickly learned that it in fact would be. Based on his line of questioning I could tell he was a "pussy hound", running around town excha...

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe So I submit to opening my thoughts to those on The Facebook, and I find myself censoring or leaving posts in my drafts far too long. What's my excuse?, "I need to find more time to post". Still a bit concerned with how my thoughts will be received. I guess "knowing is half the battle", right? So now that I am fully aware of my bullshit, it's time to do better.

From my twitter 10/18/12: If someone wants to marry you, at what point do you stop entertaining others? There's no ring or official proposal, just a mutual desire. If you see areas they need development, how much effort do you put forth for them to actually be in position to ask and get a "Yes!"? Like, are you supposed to do everything in your power to help them win you over or are you supposed to wait for someone who's already ready? This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I don't know what to do. But I want him to win! So do I help him win me over, or is that solely up to him? At what point do I pour my energy into him? The proposal or after the "I do"? But is that too late? When does it begin? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I found myself smitten with his words however I still haven't seen the necessary action that would let me know he was/is truly ready. I've been engaged before, but this is completely different. See, the first time I discuss...

I have this love/hate relationship with people who are able to see the "grey areas" of life. I'm extremely "black & white" I need order, structure, rules and an understanding. Once those things are in place I am free to explore how or if I want someone/thing in my life. I have a very hard time with this, mainly because I can be ridiculously skeptical. I was always trying to figure out someone's motive(s), agenda and purpose in my life. I've found that this creates a sense of trust and reliability for me. I figured if we both agreed and understood the expectations of our interaction then I could not get hurt or disappointed. In addition to that it also allowed me the comfort of feeling as if I am in control. It's obvious now, but I wasn't always aware of the effects of abandonment issues (I'll save that for another time) I need these boundaries in order to let my guard down, somewhat. So this week was full of events- some new while o...

"Most people are so stuck in their egos that everything revolves around me, me, and more me. But if you want to be rich in the truest sense of the word, it can't only be about you. It has to include adding value to other people's lives." - T. Harv Eker, motivational speaker and best-selling author. As I reflect on this past week I was reminded of a time not so long ago, I was completely selfish, self-centered and guarded. You know the saying "team of me"? Well, I was the coach and star player! My only concern was my own best interests in almost every situation imaginable. I recall my friend/sister who would say time and time again "it's not about you", honestly it went in one ear and out the other. If my life isn't about me, then who is it about? Right? This week was rough, with the combination of the environment which aggregates the anxiety and being on the final stretch of my cleanse; I was ready to quit on Tuesday. I wanted to get ...

I realized the other day that what I've experienced for the last 4 years led to the position I am in today. The things we go through are not about us, it's to help someone going through the same/similar situations. It's an honorable yet selfless responsibility to be the voice for someone else, it takes courage and faith. If not you, then who? If not now, then when? It's time to silence the complaints and excuses and stand up for the truth no matter what the cause is. Someone needs your voice, your knowledge, your strength, your encouragement, your gifts. Someone needs you to embrace your purpose. Find your purpose and be the BEST you possible! These are the types of thoughts I have for myself in the morning. There was a time I chose to shut them off because I listened to fear and doubt, but those days are over! I want to do what God sent me here to do, oh what a joy it has been. Even on my worst days and through the tears, anxiety, hurt feelings and ridicule. All...

Don't know why I chose to read through my journal just now, perhaps the restlessness I feel or the level of anxiety I am hoping will disappear. For a second I thought it would take my mind off of the miserable day I had at work. It was one of those days where I didn't want to get out of bed, as I realized I could not, hmmm more like "should not" call in today. So as I make that motion to get out of my loving bed I felt nauseous, the feeling remained for much of the day. I had a few things that I thought would keep me motivated yet one by one I was disappointed. The paths weren't as easy as I had expected them to be, not due to lack of effort, but based on how those involved presented things. So now I am still, unsure which step to take next, so I do what I can to put a pause in as many of the tasks as I can. I am reminded that a lot of times things happen and if we are hasty it isn't always the most beneficial or effective outcome. Like the saying about how...

Imagine if everyone you knew we're at their best, like truly living their "wildest" dreams. Imagine if everyone you came in contact with (friends, family, co-workers, strangers) were in a state of harmony and abundance, at ALL times. Imagine if we all operated from a space of love and respect; if we didn't allow arrogance, ego, pride, envy, jealousy or ignorance to hold us from the very things/people we needed the most. Where/Who would you be?

The other night after i posted my "happy husband" thoughts, i received a text from one of the gentlemen referenced. I found myself not only caught off guard, but a bit overwhelmed. Earlier that evening I was a bit annoyed, I had to chastise my son regarding some basic ass shit and the frustration of the redundant conversation got under my skin. I'm a very laid back parent, I voice my standards and expectations, however I believe in individualism and freedom of speech, as long as you aren't disrespectful. So later that evening i prepared to have a "good nights rest", only to discover it would be a nap. When I awoke I had a vision that I had two grey hairs growing from my chin and when I pulled them several returned in their place. Then another where there was a loose string on my shirt and when I pulled it the whole thing unravelled. The message I got was to "be still" so that's what I'm doing. I'm not forcing or chasing anyone, ever...

I've had this dream or maybe fantasy is a better word, of being a mermaid. I have this need for water that I can't understand. We all know about my nightly 2 hour bathtime, then there's Summer by the pool. When I moved into this building I loved to stand on the balcony of my bedroom and stare at the pool, I wasn't happy with the weight I'd gained, I couldn't swim and I'd convinced myself that I "didn't like people". So I'd only go down when it was deserted smh. I remember when my balcony flooded, I was beyond pissed! Although, the unit I moved to is a much happier space my balcony faces the street. Recently I noticed that when I sit on my yoga mat I have out there I can see the Mountains through the trees, i also realize while meditating out there I often end up exercising in some way. Now I love being at my pool and socializing with my neighbors, it's such a sense of community. So the other night after letting my son know that he ne...

I recall a year or two ago, my boo mentioned that he wants a motorcycle, he even asked me if he could get one.  I thought it was the cutest thing that he'd actually asked my "permission" because he knows how I worry about him.  I always have, I've had this tender spot in my heart for him since the time we met.  However, somehow with him I can never say "no", especially to something he wants, because he deserves the world!   He's such a humble, giving, caring, loving, thoughtful person.  I mentioned to him in conversation not too long ago that he was "my favorite" guy and he absolutely is.  He's in a category all his own, and he always has been.   Through all of my dating life he is the only person who never said that I was "weird", he understands me on a level that I've never experienced before. As I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard I realize how important that is.  For someone to understand your strengths as well...

I find myself in a space where I can clearly see and admit that I desire to get married and have a baby (and in that order!). For years I'd convinced myself that those were not my wants or needs, I concluded that it wasn't for me, although my heart knew I was lying. As I finally heard the sincere words of a man who has been in my life for quite some time, I began to understand our bond a bit deeper. I decided to face a chapter of my life which I buried very deep within. 2002, my son was 2 years old and I found myself in a relationship out of convenience. I had experienced a pregnancy alone, sure the father was around to pick and chose which appointments or parts of our child's development was important to him. But mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I was alone. No one in my circle could relate so I had to figure things out on my own, hoping, wishing and praying for the best. I remember a few years before this I had a friend, we were in high school and she a...

I could clone myself, that way I'd have the friend for myself that I am to other people.

"Why are you knocking at every door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart" “The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”  “What you seek is seeking you.”  “When I am with you, we stay up all night. When you're not here, I can't go to sleep. Praise God for those two insomnias! And the difference between them.”  Last one....... “I want to see you. Know your voice. Recognize you when you first come 'round the corner. Sense your scent when I come into a room you've just left. Know the lift of your heel, the glide of your foot. Become familiar with the way you purse your lips then let them part, just the slightest bit, when I lean in to your space and kiss you. I want to know the joy of how you whisper "more” 

Why am I up at 2am!?!  As a million and one answers come to mind (all of them correct), I realize how refreshing it is to have a man around.  I am reminded of a couple occasions this past weekend when my anxiety was at it's very worst.  In both instances the man who was by my side (one was a friend and the other was the guy I'd just met) both offered words of encouragement and support.  At one point I found myself actually afraid and this man held my hand and helped me down a mountain (literally). No matter how "independent" or whatever we've become, it's nothing like the comfort of a man.  I am grateful to know so many wonderful ones.

Randomly, I had a memory of a time when I lived at home, I remember thinking "this is the life!", especially once I bought my first car and found myself with a "good job".  I was old enough to make my own decisions and provide the finer things for myself however I was still young enough to get away with the fact I lived at home with my family.  I remember I told myself "I'll just stay here and save until I get married" well had I kept that way of thinking I'd still be there.  I recall approaching 30 and I began to feel some type of way, I kept thinking "a 30 year old woman should not live at home", for some reason that was like a big deal to me. So of course my good friend "OCD" reminded me of this fact EV-ER-Y Day!  After a while it started to die down and what do I do? I redecorate my room (the fact that I am dead serious is just.....) I had the perfect bed, I'd just sit to watch TV and fall asleep; man, a good mattress is...