I had a couple conversations on Wednesday which rubbed me the wrong way. It started after I left my 2nd therapy session, I was feeling a mixture of emotions so I put my headphones in and attempted to find my groove as I headed to "The Last of the Lost", I see a guy trying to get my attention and I'm in a mood so I entertain the conversation just to pass the time. He then asks for my number and I figure, what do I have to lose? He calls immediately and proceeds with his "getting to know you" line of questioning. His first mistake was thinking I was much younger than I am, although it is a compliment; he took the "baby face" to mean my mind was young as well. He learned quickly! So I ask him his hobbies, the last book he read and a few other questions that would let me know if this would be a waste of time. I quickly learned that it in fact would be. Based on his line of questioning I could tell he was a "pussy hound", running around town exchanging his energy with anyone willing, I can't imagine how often he does this safely which in itself was a complete turn off. At some point he mentions the area where he lives and practically invites me over. To educate this man, although I shouldn't have to, I explain to him that I don't go to stranger's homes and IF he wanted to get to know me he'd need to plan and initiate a date. His reply was "I don't date", oh okay so please understand that this is absolutely unacceptable FOR ME. He finally realized I'm not his type and made up some bogus line about having another call in order to end this conversation he'd obviously was unprepared for. I think to myself, that was entertaining and provided a few laughs which allowed me to forget for a brief moment the strange mood I was in. So I am grateful.
Now I'm in motion, slowly heading to my destination and my mind starts to wander. I find my thoughts fixated on a certain someone and feel the need to call him out on how his words and actions are conflicted. He proceeds to let me know that "we are fine" and I "need to chill" my response was, "no, YOU are fine, but I'm chillin". I went on to say that my frustration steams from the fact that he has known me for a rather long time, and the fact that in this time he hasn't figured out how to "handle" me causes the majority of our friction. I pointed out how he doesn't make a true effort to keep me or make me WANT to stay in his company yet he cries when I "run away". He then asked how he should handle me and I told him "Handle me like you actually care if I stay or go. Handle me like you're not the only man who wants my time and attention. Unless that's not the case, then say so." In his mind, that's what you do when you're in a relationship and we would not get there overnight. I assured him, with the way things are I could not even consider being his girlfriend. I would be miserable! I guess this hurt his feelings however, I would be a fool to accept this behavior and actually commit to it.
The trouble is, I like him. Even worse, I hate that I like him. I see so much potential and in some ways he reminds me of my father, no ones ever made it to that category. So what does that mean? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? How long am I supposed to wait for this man to find a clue? How does he not know how to handle me after all of these years? Is he THAT dumb or does he just not care?
I keep trying to make the light bulb come on, but it has become more work than I feel it's worth. Yet something in me won't give up on him. It's the craziest thing, although he's not "my favorite" he has everything that my favorite lacks. I just wish he saw himself the way I see him, and walked with that level of confidence. I hate that we fight so often, but I have to stand my ground. I just hope in some crazy way the fighting would eventually pay off and he'd learn that although I can be A LOT to handle, it's worth it to figure me out. The funniest part is, that's not as complicated as he (some) makes it out to be.
Here I go again
“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.”
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
So I submit to opening my thoughts to those on The Facebook, and I find myself censoring or leaving posts in my drafts far too long. What's my excuse?, "I need to find more time to post". Still a bit concerned with how my thoughts will be received.
I guess "knowing is half the battle", right? So now that I am fully aware of my bullshit, it's time to do better.
How will I know?
From my twitter 10/18/12:
If someone wants to marry you, at what point do you stop entertaining others? There's no ring or official proposal, just a mutual desire. If you see areas they need development, how much effort do you put forth for them to actually be in position to ask and get a "Yes!"? Like, are you supposed to do everything in your power to help them win you over or are you supposed to wait for someone who's already ready?
This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I don't know what to do. But I want him to win! So do I help him win me over, or is that solely up to him? At what point do I pour my energy into him? The proposal or after the "I do"? But is that too late? When does it begin?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself smitten with his words however I still haven't seen the necessary action that would let me know he was/is truly ready. I've been engaged before, but this is completely different. See, the first time I discussed getting married my only concerns were the shape, size & clarity of MY ring, MY dress and the location of MY wedding. I didn't even consider what "our" life together looked like until I found myself pregnant (see "Honesty Hour"), in that moment as I realized I was using him as an escape from the life I found myself in, along with pressure around me on when we were getting married I finally realized, "I don't want to spend my life with him". I took that as my chance to get out of this situation and take control of my life again.
So now, I'm ready to share my life with someone, to nurture and encourage, to express my love like I've never done before. I haven't thought too much about the wedding details or location, but I know how I want to be treated, how I want to feel and how I desire to express my love. As I found myself confused by "loyalty", I had to take a moment to process the words of those around me who offered their input. They advised me to continue to prepare myself for the life I want and to focus on the type of man I deserve. They pointed out all of the qualities I have to offer and reminded me not to settle.
I realize although I have love for a few, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. A few posts ago I mentioned that I may post my list on here, and now that I think about it again maybe I will. I recently found myself in a conversation or argument with this guy the other day. For some reason he likes to invite me to things and he disguises it as an innocent outing, yet his energy disturbs me. Initially I agreed to attend the event, but as the day progressed I was made aware that I needed to spend my day doing other things. So sure enough when I cancelled he decided to tell me about myself (insert blank stare here). It always amazes me when a man attempts to tell me about myself and/or make me "act right". I guess because I can see right through it and its always a certain "type" of man who finds it necessary to use that approach, and continue even when it proves to be ineffective. Then you have the ones posing as a friend yet wishing, hoping, praying for an opportunity to "slide" in anyway they can.
I find myself, in this moment wanting to help my boo along so that it would eliminate those types of interactions. Then I realize, if he isn't willing or able to put forth the necessary effort with all of his might to take me off the market; he doesn't deserve me either. I realize how much ambition means to me. And if he can't prove to be ambitious, without being arrogant or condescending then he doesn't have a key quality necessary to be my husband. Between my workaholic nature, spoiled brat antics (on occassion) and OCD I would "eat him alive".
I guess, I'll know when I know. And for now, I know I don't see what I need.
If someone wants to marry you, at what point do you stop entertaining others? There's no ring or official proposal, just a mutual desire. If you see areas they need development, how much effort do you put forth for them to actually be in position to ask and get a "Yes!"? Like, are you supposed to do everything in your power to help them win you over or are you supposed to wait for someone who's already ready?
This is all unfamiliar territory for me. I don't know what to do. But I want him to win! So do I help him win me over, or is that solely up to him? At what point do I pour my energy into him? The proposal or after the "I do"? But is that too late? When does it begin?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found myself smitten with his words however I still haven't seen the necessary action that would let me know he was/is truly ready. I've been engaged before, but this is completely different. See, the first time I discussed getting married my only concerns were the shape, size & clarity of MY ring, MY dress and the location of MY wedding. I didn't even consider what "our" life together looked like until I found myself pregnant (see "Honesty Hour"), in that moment as I realized I was using him as an escape from the life I found myself in, along with pressure around me on when we were getting married I finally realized, "I don't want to spend my life with him". I took that as my chance to get out of this situation and take control of my life again.
So now, I'm ready to share my life with someone, to nurture and encourage, to express my love like I've never done before. I haven't thought too much about the wedding details or location, but I know how I want to be treated, how I want to feel and how I desire to express my love. As I found myself confused by "loyalty", I had to take a moment to process the words of those around me who offered their input. They advised me to continue to prepare myself for the life I want and to focus on the type of man I deserve. They pointed out all of the qualities I have to offer and reminded me not to settle.
I realize although I have love for a few, I still haven't found what I'm looking for. A few posts ago I mentioned that I may post my list on here, and now that I think about it again maybe I will. I recently found myself in a conversation or argument with this guy the other day. For some reason he likes to invite me to things and he disguises it as an innocent outing, yet his energy disturbs me. Initially I agreed to attend the event, but as the day progressed I was made aware that I needed to spend my day doing other things. So sure enough when I cancelled he decided to tell me about myself (insert blank stare here). It always amazes me when a man attempts to tell me about myself and/or make me "act right". I guess because I can see right through it and its always a certain "type" of man who finds it necessary to use that approach, and continue even when it proves to be ineffective. Then you have the ones posing as a friend yet wishing, hoping, praying for an opportunity to "slide" in anyway they can.
I find myself, in this moment wanting to help my boo along so that it would eliminate those types of interactions. Then I realize, if he isn't willing or able to put forth the necessary effort with all of his might to take me off the market; he doesn't deserve me either. I realize how much ambition means to me. And if he can't prove to be ambitious, without being arrogant or condescending then he doesn't have a key quality necessary to be my husband. Between my workaholic nature, spoiled brat antics (on occassion) and OCD I would "eat him alive".
I guess, I'll know when I know. And for now, I know I don't see what I need.
Learning to "go with the flow"
I have this love/hate relationship with people who are able to see the "grey areas" of life. I'm extremely "black & white" I need order, structure, rules and an understanding. Once those things are in place I am free to explore how or if I want someone/thing in my life. I have a very hard time with this, mainly because I can be ridiculously skeptical. I was always trying to figure out someone's motive(s), agenda and purpose in my life. I've found that this creates a sense of trust and reliability for me. I figured if we both agreed and understood the expectations of our interaction then I could not get hurt or disappointed. In addition to that it also allowed me the comfort of feeling as if I am in control. It's obvious now, but I wasn't always aware of the effects of abandonment issues (I'll save that for another time) I need these boundaries in order to let my guard down, somewhat.
So this week was full of events- some new while others were quite unexpected. For starters a co-worker quit without notice, I had my first session with my therapist, grumpy and "the angry birds" were their absolute worst! anxiety was at an all-time high and not one of my plans were accomplished. There were a million obstacles and plots to maneuver. As I tried to rearrange my calendar for the weekend as well as next summer, I find the more I try the more impossible it becomes. I felt the need to "be still", when things didn't flow easily I did nothing. I figured, I needed to continue to seek guidance so that I wasn't moving off course. The need to do nothing increased on Tuesday when thoughts of quitting lingered in my mind. I was able to gather myself and regain my focus by taking one day at a time, allowing myself to take things moment by moment and task by task. I did my part, I improved on the things I was already doing as well as incorporated some set in place from therapy. Then I notice some odd symptoms; since I started cleansing the hives I'd became to suffer from were clearing up with no new outbreaks. My headaches were few and far between and I felt a balance slowly returning. During the first week of the cleanse I over exerted myself and realized I needed to create a hybrid sort of, so I drank the master cleanse when I felt my body needed it and drank juice (fruit & veggie), water and protein shakes at the other times to nourish my body.
I feel great! Slowly getting back to myself, this was until this week happened. I'm noticing some symptoms returning and worsening over the course of a few days. By Friday I became alarmed and consulted the nurse helpline, I followed her instruction and ended up with a same day doctors appointment. Upon examination the doctor refers me to the ER for a "quick" procedure. As things are happening so rapidly I am doing my best not to make any hasty decisions. I contact my "prayer circle" and have them pray for me, in times like these I don't need or want those "everything is going to be okay" people. Matters like this calls for people who will pray for God's will to be done, for protection from hurt, harm or danger. For guidance and to order hands if surgery is necessary. After I send out my prayer request, I need to talk to my baby. There's no way I could go into any type of surgery without my son hearing my voice and knowing that I would be okay. Now I'm examined by the ER doctor and he says the surgery isn't necessary and he'd prescribe medication as well as instructed me to see my primary care physician in a week.
I realize I wasn't completely satisfied with his recommendation (red flag), I felt like the surgery would be beneficial in the long run, I voiced my questions yet wasn't satisfied with his answers so I decided not to press the issue. I contacted my circle with the update, headed to the pharmacy and tried to rearrange my weekend plans in my head. Once the prescription is filled I'm noticing the doctor gave me things that had not worked in the past (red flag #2) so now I'm questioning his plan of action; better yet inaction. However I decide with one vote for surgery, which I agree with and one to do nothing it would be best at this time to do nothing and consult with my doctor whom I trust. That way the decision will get two votes and I can figure out what I think about that as it happens.
It was in this moment that I realized why my weekend plans weren't panning out, because the Universe knew my body wasn't right and attention needed to be paid at some point. Had I forced my agenda I may not have been able to hear the needs of my body as clearly. Just like with the second doctor, my prayer was for God's will to be done and for my best interest to be protected. Although the answer was not to have surgery, I am considering the fact that it was not in my best interest THAT day. Perhaps he wasn't the best surgeon for me, which was evident by the medications he chose for me. Allowing things to flow in this situation could have been the difference between life and death or unnecessary discomfort or a half ass surgery.
I guess there are times when it's best to go with the flow, however the key, like with everything else is balance. I can see how being completely "black & white" has contributed to aspects of my anxiety however my personality type coupled with my many "issues" don't do well with flying by the seat of my pants. I'm learning when to press and when to fall back and I'm taking it situation by situation. Right now I feel good knowing I did what was best for me. And as I find myself on day 20 of my 21 day cleanse; I am so glad I'm learning these lessons and doing things much differently than I ever have before.
So this week was full of events- some new while others were quite unexpected. For starters a co-worker quit without notice, I had my first session with my therapist, grumpy and "the angry birds" were their absolute worst! anxiety was at an all-time high and not one of my plans were accomplished. There were a million obstacles and plots to maneuver. As I tried to rearrange my calendar for the weekend as well as next summer, I find the more I try the more impossible it becomes. I felt the need to "be still", when things didn't flow easily I did nothing. I figured, I needed to continue to seek guidance so that I wasn't moving off course. The need to do nothing increased on Tuesday when thoughts of quitting lingered in my mind. I was able to gather myself and regain my focus by taking one day at a time, allowing myself to take things moment by moment and task by task. I did my part, I improved on the things I was already doing as well as incorporated some set in place from therapy. Then I notice some odd symptoms; since I started cleansing the hives I'd became to suffer from were clearing up with no new outbreaks. My headaches were few and far between and I felt a balance slowly returning. During the first week of the cleanse I over exerted myself and realized I needed to create a hybrid sort of, so I drank the master cleanse when I felt my body needed it and drank juice (fruit & veggie), water and protein shakes at the other times to nourish my body.
I feel great! Slowly getting back to myself, this was until this week happened. I'm noticing some symptoms returning and worsening over the course of a few days. By Friday I became alarmed and consulted the nurse helpline, I followed her instruction and ended up with a same day doctors appointment. Upon examination the doctor refers me to the ER for a "quick" procedure. As things are happening so rapidly I am doing my best not to make any hasty decisions. I contact my "prayer circle" and have them pray for me, in times like these I don't need or want those "everything is going to be okay" people. Matters like this calls for people who will pray for God's will to be done, for protection from hurt, harm or danger. For guidance and to order hands if surgery is necessary. After I send out my prayer request, I need to talk to my baby. There's no way I could go into any type of surgery without my son hearing my voice and knowing that I would be okay. Now I'm examined by the ER doctor and he says the surgery isn't necessary and he'd prescribe medication as well as instructed me to see my primary care physician in a week.
I realize I wasn't completely satisfied with his recommendation (red flag), I felt like the surgery would be beneficial in the long run, I voiced my questions yet wasn't satisfied with his answers so I decided not to press the issue. I contacted my circle with the update, headed to the pharmacy and tried to rearrange my weekend plans in my head. Once the prescription is filled I'm noticing the doctor gave me things that had not worked in the past (red flag #2) so now I'm questioning his plan of action; better yet inaction. However I decide with one vote for surgery, which I agree with and one to do nothing it would be best at this time to do nothing and consult with my doctor whom I trust. That way the decision will get two votes and I can figure out what I think about that as it happens.
It was in this moment that I realized why my weekend plans weren't panning out, because the Universe knew my body wasn't right and attention needed to be paid at some point. Had I forced my agenda I may not have been able to hear the needs of my body as clearly. Just like with the second doctor, my prayer was for God's will to be done and for my best interest to be protected. Although the answer was not to have surgery, I am considering the fact that it was not in my best interest THAT day. Perhaps he wasn't the best surgeon for me, which was evident by the medications he chose for me. Allowing things to flow in this situation could have been the difference between life and death or unnecessary discomfort or a half ass surgery.
I guess there are times when it's best to go with the flow, however the key, like with everything else is balance. I can see how being completely "black & white" has contributed to aspects of my anxiety however my personality type coupled with my many "issues" don't do well with flying by the seat of my pants. I'm learning when to press and when to fall back and I'm taking it situation by situation. Right now I feel good knowing I did what was best for me. And as I find myself on day 20 of my 21 day cleanse; I am so glad I'm learning these lessons and doing things much differently than I ever have before.
"It's not about you"
"Most people are so stuck in their egos that everything revolves around me, me, and more me. But if you want to be rich in the truest sense of the word, it can't only be about you. It has to include adding value to other people's lives."
- T. Harv Eker, motivational speaker and best-selling author.
As I reflect on this past week I was reminded of a time not so long ago, I was completely selfish, self-centered and guarded. You know the saying "team of me"? Well, I was the coach and star player! My only concern was my own best interests in almost every situation imaginable. I recall my friend/sister who would say time and time again "it's not about you", honestly it went in one ear and out the other. If my life isn't about me, then who is it about? Right?
This week was rough, with the combination of the environment which aggregates the anxiety and being on the final stretch of my cleanse; I was ready to quit on Tuesday. I wanted to get my life back, rid myself of the headache(s) and go back to something else. That wasn't the only thing I wanted to quit, I was ready to stop my cleanse. In that moment as I felt anxiety reaching the level it was at the time of diagnoses, I wanted to give my body everything I thought it needed to be "happy". Then I took a breath, I remembered why I chose the course of action taken a week prior to the initial attack as well as the purpose behind cleansing. In that moment I remembered "it's not just about you"; true I made commitments to myself, but in addition I realized the anxiety gave me a voice. The presence of anxiety in my life as well as the effects it has caused makes certain people take notice, and more importantly; when the time comes I can speak my piece for the ones before and beside me being treated in the same manner. And perhaps prevent it from happening to someone who may come after me.
The week continued this way and I had to feed my spirit the affirmations necessary to push through it all. Then I wanted to eat, I wanted to end my cleanse prematurely because I wanted to give up. I'd felt as if I'd done enough, but enough for who? I'd lasted two weeks, why throw in the towel at the end? I understood the people I know battling health/weight issues and the discipline it takes to achieve their desired results must believe they can do it. How would that be impacted if I chose to give up?
At no point am I saying I'm a saint, or even that all of my choices have been easy, however what I am learning is; giving of myself and lending my voice, time, etc for someone who may not have one for a moment and seeing (some of) them embrace the same capabilities has been its own reward. It helping me get through the various issues that pop up.
- T. Harv Eker, motivational speaker and best-selling author.
As I reflect on this past week I was reminded of a time not so long ago, I was completely selfish, self-centered and guarded. You know the saying "team of me"? Well, I was the coach and star player! My only concern was my own best interests in almost every situation imaginable. I recall my friend/sister who would say time and time again "it's not about you", honestly it went in one ear and out the other. If my life isn't about me, then who is it about? Right?
This week was rough, with the combination of the environment which aggregates the anxiety and being on the final stretch of my cleanse; I was ready to quit on Tuesday. I wanted to get my life back, rid myself of the headache(s) and go back to something else. That wasn't the only thing I wanted to quit, I was ready to stop my cleanse. In that moment as I felt anxiety reaching the level it was at the time of diagnoses, I wanted to give my body everything I thought it needed to be "happy". Then I took a breath, I remembered why I chose the course of action taken a week prior to the initial attack as well as the purpose behind cleansing. In that moment I remembered "it's not just about you"; true I made commitments to myself, but in addition I realized the anxiety gave me a voice. The presence of anxiety in my life as well as the effects it has caused makes certain people take notice, and more importantly; when the time comes I can speak my piece for the ones before and beside me being treated in the same manner. And perhaps prevent it from happening to someone who may come after me.
The week continued this way and I had to feed my spirit the affirmations necessary to push through it all. Then I wanted to eat, I wanted to end my cleanse prematurely because I wanted to give up. I'd felt as if I'd done enough, but enough for who? I'd lasted two weeks, why throw in the towel at the end? I understood the people I know battling health/weight issues and the discipline it takes to achieve their desired results must believe they can do it. How would that be impacted if I chose to give up?
At no point am I saying I'm a saint, or even that all of my choices have been easy, however what I am learning is; giving of myself and lending my voice, time, etc for someone who may not have one for a moment and seeing (some of) them embrace the same capabilities has been its own reward. It helping me get through the various issues that pop up.
First Thoughts; After Prayer & Meditation
I realized the other day that what I've experienced for the last 4 years led to the position I am in today. The things we go through are not about us, it's to help someone going through the same/similar situations. It's an honorable yet selfless responsibility to be the voice for someone else, it takes courage and faith.
If not you, then who? If not now, then when? It's time to silence the complaints and excuses and stand up for the truth no matter what the cause is. Someone needs your voice, your knowledge, your strength, your encouragement, your gifts. Someone needs you to embrace your purpose.
Find your purpose and be the BEST you possible!
These are the types of thoughts I have for myself in the morning. There was a time I chose to shut them off because I listened to fear and doubt, but those days are over! I want to do what God sent me here to do, oh what a joy it has been. Even on my worst days and through the tears, anxiety, hurt feelings and ridicule. All that matters, I realize at this moment is to hear my Creator say "well done, my good and faithful servant".
Cleanse/Juicing: Day 18!
Lets be great! In the name of Jesus <3
If not you, then who? If not now, then when? It's time to silence the complaints and excuses and stand up for the truth no matter what the cause is. Someone needs your voice, your knowledge, your strength, your encouragement, your gifts. Someone needs you to embrace your purpose.
Find your purpose and be the BEST you possible!
These are the types of thoughts I have for myself in the morning. There was a time I chose to shut them off because I listened to fear and doubt, but those days are over! I want to do what God sent me here to do, oh what a joy it has been. Even on my worst days and through the tears, anxiety, hurt feelings and ridicule. All that matters, I realize at this moment is to hear my Creator say "well done, my good and faithful servant".
Cleanse/Juicing: Day 18!
Lets be great! In the name of Jesus <3
Accept Your Blessings
Don't know why I chose to read through my journal just now, perhaps the restlessness I feel or the level of anxiety I am hoping will disappear. For a second I thought it would take my mind off of the miserable day I had at work. It was one of those days where I didn't want to get out of bed, as I realized I could not, hmmm more like "should not" call in today. So as I make that motion to get out of my loving bed I felt nauseous, the feeling remained for much of the day.
I had a few things that I thought would keep me motivated yet one by one I was disappointed. The paths weren't as easy as I had expected them to be, not due to lack of effort, but based on how those involved presented things. So now I am still, unsure which step to take next, so I do what I can to put a pause in as many of the tasks as I can. I am reminded that a lot of times things happen and if we are hasty it isn't always the most beneficial or effective outcome. Like the saying about how sometimes God isn't saying "no", the Creator may just have something better in store.
So as I turned the page and read something I'd written on July 9, 2012, I decided to share:
This morning I was awakened by a thought.
"Sometimes we are given a blessing, however by free will we can decide to accept it or not".
A blessing is something that we are technically undeserving of. We have received favor or mercy from the Creator, the blessing is designed to take us to a higher level thereby admiring or cherishing the blessing as well as the originator of ALL blessings.
Other times we are rewarded. A reward is something received in return of service, merit and/or work.
If you chose not to accept the blessings of God, (s)he may then store your blessings and send them as a reward for someone who truly deserves them. Now that person receives blessings on top of blessings and rewards on top of rewards.
~~~~~~~
You know the saying, "what God has for me, is for me" right? In this moment I am reminded of my son. Once his dad purchased an android phone that's all he would talk about, and he expressed how much he wanted one. Soon after I purchased one for him, well he wasn't very appreciative so I made a mental note and kept it pushin. Then he saw me trade in my beloved Blackberry and join Team iPhone, so of course he wants an iPhone. Now the iPhone 5 is out, before I would've upgraded just because it was available not out of necessity. When asked I thought about it and said, "no". Then I have a thought, I could upgrade my phone, rearrange my plan and give the 4 to my son. It's set! That's my plan, I'm looking forward to giving him this gift, that he truly hasn't done anything to earn; it would've been a blessing to him.
So fast forward, I'm not sure the amount of time, but we're back to school shopping. He's arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered and unappreciative. Who is this kid? And how the hell do I send him back?! With that one display of foolishness he not only made me change my mind about the phone upgrade, but also a few other "blessings" I just wanted to shower him with. He is now in a category where I only reward work completed, yes, I'm still encouraging and supportive, but that extra little something. Yeah, that's on hold until he can realize the things I must do as his mother versus the things I choose to do to put a smile on his face. No one wants to put forth an effort to make another happy just to find they're being taken for granted.
One day at work I had a thought and I jotted it down:
Take heed to God's warnings, they are to keep you on track and allow you to see life w/o grace and mercy in your life. Don't take them lightly.
Appreciation, thankfulness, gratitude and humility will take you much further than ego, arrogance, pride and the like will leave you.
I had a few things that I thought would keep me motivated yet one by one I was disappointed. The paths weren't as easy as I had expected them to be, not due to lack of effort, but based on how those involved presented things. So now I am still, unsure which step to take next, so I do what I can to put a pause in as many of the tasks as I can. I am reminded that a lot of times things happen and if we are hasty it isn't always the most beneficial or effective outcome. Like the saying about how sometimes God isn't saying "no", the Creator may just have something better in store.
So as I turned the page and read something I'd written on July 9, 2012, I decided to share:
This morning I was awakened by a thought.
"Sometimes we are given a blessing, however by free will we can decide to accept it or not".
A blessing is something that we are technically undeserving of. We have received favor or mercy from the Creator, the blessing is designed to take us to a higher level thereby admiring or cherishing the blessing as well as the originator of ALL blessings.
Other times we are rewarded. A reward is something received in return of service, merit and/or work.
If you chose not to accept the blessings of God, (s)he may then store your blessings and send them as a reward for someone who truly deserves them. Now that person receives blessings on top of blessings and rewards on top of rewards.
~~~~~~~
You know the saying, "what God has for me, is for me" right? In this moment I am reminded of my son. Once his dad purchased an android phone that's all he would talk about, and he expressed how much he wanted one. Soon after I purchased one for him, well he wasn't very appreciative so I made a mental note and kept it pushin. Then he saw me trade in my beloved Blackberry and join Team iPhone, so of course he wants an iPhone. Now the iPhone 5 is out, before I would've upgraded just because it was available not out of necessity. When asked I thought about it and said, "no". Then I have a thought, I could upgrade my phone, rearrange my plan and give the 4 to my son. It's set! That's my plan, I'm looking forward to giving him this gift, that he truly hasn't done anything to earn; it would've been a blessing to him.
So fast forward, I'm not sure the amount of time, but we're back to school shopping. He's arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered and unappreciative. Who is this kid? And how the hell do I send him back?! With that one display of foolishness he not only made me change my mind about the phone upgrade, but also a few other "blessings" I just wanted to shower him with. He is now in a category where I only reward work completed, yes, I'm still encouraging and supportive, but that extra little something. Yeah, that's on hold until he can realize the things I must do as his mother versus the things I choose to do to put a smile on his face. No one wants to put forth an effort to make another happy just to find they're being taken for granted.
One day at work I had a thought and I jotted it down:
Take heed to God's warnings, they are to keep you on track and allow you to see life w/o grace and mercy in your life. Don't take them lightly.
Appreciation, thankfulness, gratitude and humility will take you much further than ego, arrogance, pride and the like will leave you.
If I had MY way...
Imagine if everyone you knew we're at their best, like truly living their "wildest" dreams. Imagine if everyone you came in contact with (friends, family, co-workers, strangers) were in a state of harmony and abundance, at ALL times. Imagine if we all operated from a space of love and respect; if we didn't allow arrogance, ego, pride, envy, jealousy or ignorance to hold us from the very things/people we needed the most.
Where/Who would you be?
Where/Who would you be?
Do you believe your dreams?
The other night after i posted my "happy husband" thoughts, i received a text from one of the gentlemen referenced. I found myself not only caught off guard, but a bit overwhelmed. Earlier that evening I was a bit annoyed, I had to chastise my son regarding some basic ass shit and the frustration of the redundant conversation got under my skin. I'm a very laid back parent, I voice my standards and expectations, however I believe in individualism and freedom of speech, as long as you aren't disrespectful.
So later that evening i prepared to have a "good nights rest", only to discover it would be a nap. When I awoke I had a vision that I had two grey hairs growing from my chin and when I pulled them several returned in their place. Then another where there was a loose string on my shirt and when I pulled it the whole thing unravelled. The message I got was to "be still" so that's what I'm doing. I'm not forcing or chasing anyone, everything will come together by design. I have no worries.
I find myself giving my energy and at times it is then blocked, the part I don't understand is they request it. They pray for it, then when it's staring them in the face they realize they weren't truly ready for it, they didn't believe they deserved it or they allowed fear to con them out of going going forward. Then I think, don't we all have that area in life where we do that? My areas were love and career. I'd somehow allowed myself to believe that I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to have the desires of my heart. I don't really know where these beliefs came from, but I am so glad I cleaned house from that shit. As I reflect on work and anxiety, I've learned to appreciate my anxiety. I know, that sounds crazy as hell, but as I am aware of the antics from grumpy and the angry birds I know that I must be confident in my work. I know that I must cross EVERY t and dot EVERY i. So when they begin to accuse me of making mistakes I can reply without the shadow of a doubt that my responses are true. See, I let go of needing to be right or perfect. I make mistakes, I don't know everything, hell half the time I speak I'm learning right along with my audience or I learned not too long before. I feel as if people place me on a pedestal and expect perfection yet they don't hold themselves to that standard.
I had a couple conversations recently and I expressed that I hold everyone I know to the standards I have of myself. Meaning I don't ask of others what I wouldn't do myself. I remember as a manager one of my peers complained to our boss that I came to work "too stylish" for the department I ran. He complained about my heels and didn't know how efficient I could be in them. Well, my staff wore sneakers, but when they called off or during the time i had to terminate employees left and right I covered for them. I thought my cleaning person how I liked things to be clean, I thought my cashier how to organize their space and handle money. When it was time to change signs I walked the area, in my heels with the contractors and got things done.
Often times people will belittle you and have you feel as if you're so off your mark. I'm now starting to see that's usually when you're right on point. Do you think it's easy to make your dreams come true? To have the relationship you've dreamed of? Absolutely not! Yet I know the dreams I have in my heart are worth everything I've been through. Aren't yours?
So later that evening i prepared to have a "good nights rest", only to discover it would be a nap. When I awoke I had a vision that I had two grey hairs growing from my chin and when I pulled them several returned in their place. Then another where there was a loose string on my shirt and when I pulled it the whole thing unravelled. The message I got was to "be still" so that's what I'm doing. I'm not forcing or chasing anyone, everything will come together by design. I have no worries.
I find myself giving my energy and at times it is then blocked, the part I don't understand is they request it. They pray for it, then when it's staring them in the face they realize they weren't truly ready for it, they didn't believe they deserved it or they allowed fear to con them out of going going forward. Then I think, don't we all have that area in life where we do that? My areas were love and career. I'd somehow allowed myself to believe that I wasn't good enough. I didn't deserve to have the desires of my heart. I don't really know where these beliefs came from, but I am so glad I cleaned house from that shit. As I reflect on work and anxiety, I've learned to appreciate my anxiety. I know, that sounds crazy as hell, but as I am aware of the antics from grumpy and the angry birds I know that I must be confident in my work. I know that I must cross EVERY t and dot EVERY i. So when they begin to accuse me of making mistakes I can reply without the shadow of a doubt that my responses are true. See, I let go of needing to be right or perfect. I make mistakes, I don't know everything, hell half the time I speak I'm learning right along with my audience or I learned not too long before. I feel as if people place me on a pedestal and expect perfection yet they don't hold themselves to that standard.
I had a couple conversations recently and I expressed that I hold everyone I know to the standards I have of myself. Meaning I don't ask of others what I wouldn't do myself. I remember as a manager one of my peers complained to our boss that I came to work "too stylish" for the department I ran. He complained about my heels and didn't know how efficient I could be in them. Well, my staff wore sneakers, but when they called off or during the time i had to terminate employees left and right I covered for them. I thought my cleaning person how I liked things to be clean, I thought my cashier how to organize their space and handle money. When it was time to change signs I walked the area, in my heels with the contractors and got things done.
Often times people will belittle you and have you feel as if you're so off your mark. I'm now starting to see that's usually when you're right on point. Do you think it's easy to make your dreams come true? To have the relationship you've dreamed of? Absolutely not! Yet I know the dreams I have in my heart are worth everything I've been through. Aren't yours?
Mermaid Life
I've had this dream or maybe fantasy is a better word, of being a mermaid. I have this need for water that I can't understand. We all know about my nightly 2 hour bathtime, then there's Summer by the pool. When I moved into this building I loved to stand on the balcony of my bedroom and stare at the pool, I wasn't happy with the weight I'd gained, I couldn't swim and I'd convinced myself that I "didn't like people". So I'd only go down when it was deserted smh. I remember when my balcony flooded, I was beyond pissed! Although, the unit I moved to is a much happier space my balcony faces the street. Recently I noticed that when I sit on my yoga mat I have out there I can see the Mountains through the trees, i also realize while meditating out there I often end up exercising in some way. Now I love being at my pool and socializing with my neighbors, it's such a sense of community.
So the other night after letting my son know that he needs to get his shit together before the wrath comes his way, I needed to go to the beach. This time neither the bathtub or pool could give me what I needed. As I got close to the water I felt myself calming down, I felt the frustration leaving my body, the disappointment and anger were on their way out too. At one point the waves were low and I directed a thought to the Sea to "carry me away" I then noticed the waves getting higher. Once I realized what was happening, I laughed and said aloud, "I was just kidding".
I am so careful with my words, even in jest, because I innerstand how powerful they are. As I deal with this journey that I've accepted, I find myself embracing the body that I chose. The body I hated for so many years, as I cleanse I have been reminded to nourish and pamper my body. To treat it as it is, the temple of my being. I have been reassured of my commitment to abstinence and why it is important for me to establish a solid connection with someone before I exchange scared energy with them. A condom isn't enough for me, the fact that I would run to the ob/gyn after every encounter because of the feeling I had. I knew I was fine, however the energy wasn't right. I went to the doctor for reassurance that I wasn't doomed or plagued because I was unaware that it was my spirit that was crying out.
I've now grown to a space where I truly love my body, and the parts that I still have issue with are shaping up as well. I recognize they just need a little more care, concern & energy to get how I want them to be. I feel free in the water, just me and my shell at one with the flow of the current.
I'm convinced, I was a mermaid in a former life, which is why in that moment I didn't mind being carried out to sea. It's where I belong.
So the other night after letting my son know that he needs to get his shit together before the wrath comes his way, I needed to go to the beach. This time neither the bathtub or pool could give me what I needed. As I got close to the water I felt myself calming down, I felt the frustration leaving my body, the disappointment and anger were on their way out too. At one point the waves were low and I directed a thought to the Sea to "carry me away" I then noticed the waves getting higher. Once I realized what was happening, I laughed and said aloud, "I was just kidding".
I am so careful with my words, even in jest, because I innerstand how powerful they are. As I deal with this journey that I've accepted, I find myself embracing the body that I chose. The body I hated for so many years, as I cleanse I have been reminded to nourish and pamper my body. To treat it as it is, the temple of my being. I have been reassured of my commitment to abstinence and why it is important for me to establish a solid connection with someone before I exchange scared energy with them. A condom isn't enough for me, the fact that I would run to the ob/gyn after every encounter because of the feeling I had. I knew I was fine, however the energy wasn't right. I went to the doctor for reassurance that I wasn't doomed or plagued because I was unaware that it was my spirit that was crying out.
I've now grown to a space where I truly love my body, and the parts that I still have issue with are shaping up as well. I recognize they just need a little more care, concern & energy to get how I want them to be. I feel free in the water, just me and my shell at one with the flow of the current.
I'm convinced, I was a mermaid in a former life, which is why in that moment I didn't mind being carried out to sea. It's where I belong.
"Happy Wife, Happy Life"; but what happens when you have a Happy Husband?
I recall a year or two ago, my boo mentioned that he wants a motorcycle, he even asked me if he could get one. I thought it was the cutest thing that he'd actually asked my "permission" because he knows how I worry about him. I always have, I've had this tender spot in my heart for him since the time we met. However, somehow with him I can never say "no", especially to something he wants, because he deserves the world! He's such a humble, giving, caring, loving, thoughtful person. I mentioned to him in conversation not too long ago that he was "my favorite" guy and he absolutely is. He's in a category all his own, and he always has been.
Through all of my dating life he is the only person who never said that I was "weird", he understands me on a level that I've never experienced before. As I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard I realize how important that is. For someone to understand your strengths as well as your weaknesses and not pass judgement. I remember the first time he came to my apartment and he looked at EVERYTHING, even my vision board and other private things that I'd never let anyone see. His words were that it was all "exactly what he expected". One day in conversation he mentioned that he read something about OCD and how he'd researched it and found the whole "disorder" fascinating. I asked why, and he said to help him understand me better.
Last Sunday while visiting my family in their new home, their friend was there with his motorcycle, in that moment I decided I wanted to ride, well now I'm obsessed with learning. I'm ready! I figure if the man I love has an interest I should find out about it. Not saying or expecting for us to share every interest that the other has, but it makes sense to me, in the type of relationship I want to establish to share some interest with one another. I recall conversations regarding one of our favorite movies Love Jones and the scenes where Lorenz Tate and Nia Long are riding around on his bike and they are so close, it seems like it would create such an amazing bond. He and I have a very special friendship, we are honest with one another. We share our dreams, fantasies, hopes, desires, issues, you name it.
I remember about a month or two ago, we were having a conversation via text and he asked me what would it take for me to say "yes" if he were to ask me to marry him. The question came at a very interesting time, as I was dating randomly, but nothing at all serious. One of the gentlemen that I dated asked me to show him the map to my heart and I was completely turned off. I hadn't known him long and to me it was as if he wanted the cliff notes to my love and I was not having it. My heart, love, mind, body, etc are not offered on a silver platter with little to no effort required. So I began to take a serious inventory of the men occupying my time, thoughts and heart. I remembered the words of a gentleman I follow on twitter @ihustlenation (www.ihustlenation.com), I don't remember his exact words however what I got from it was to pay attention to the attention being paid to you. As women we often find ourselves vying for attention so we'll sometimes display certain antics in order to get the desired response from a man. I found myself in a few different scenarios, with one person, he was completely nonchalant. He acted as if he didn't care if I stayed or left, however when I'd leave he had his panties in a bunch and was angry because I "push him away" and he was "tired of chasing" me. Another, handled me at arms distance, he'd let me in only when it was convenient for him or to his benefit. Often leaving most of my needs unmet. The others were trying to make the cut, but really didn't have much of a chance of getting anywhere without some extraordinary display of attention or affection. Then there was "my favorite", I often referred to him as "the underdog", for some reason he felt he was stuck in the friend category. He thought someone else had my heart, and for a while the latter part was partially true. I was infatuated with a toxic situation that I thought was more than it could ever be. However once I began to truly see the energy being given to me it became clear where I should direct mine in return.
So when he sent that text, I gave him the instructions to his desired answer. I could sense the urgency in his words; this is the man who introduced me to his family as his "future wife". I've met his mother, brother, and other key people in his life. He checks on me, even with a full plate of his own, He wants me to be happy and says that he will do anything to make me stay that way. While everyone else was pulling me into several different types of confusion, he was the one making things clear. It became a no-brainer, why would I give my energy to anyone else? Why would I not stop, take a moment and recognize someone who truly loves me? To be honest, I was waiting on this day. I knew deep within that I could be happy with him and we could design a life together and be amazing. I just didn't think he believed it were possible, I didn't hear the necessary words to know that he was ready. I'd often ask him questions, hoping that he would say those words and finally he did. I knew on some level the others would not make me as happy as he would. He always tells me he loves me, he misses me and how beautiful I am. Even when I was unhappy with my weight, he never failed to address me as "beautiful", when he met me my hair was long, then I cut it, then I grew it back, now I wear a weave and he could care less. He actually sees ME!
I remember recently he was going through a few things and as I encouraged him I introduced the practice of meditation, and he embraced it. While others fought and/or doubted anything I tried to share with them, he's always been the one to listen and benefit from what I shared. I asked him what he loves about me and he had a list a mile long, he actually pays attention to me (my likes, dislikes, standards, quirks, etc.), he makes me feel secure, I trust him to keep his word and to be himself.
I know the saying "Happy Wife; Happy Life", and it is very true. If your wife is happy, your life will definitely be happy however what a happy life I would have to know that my husband is happy. Like, truly happy with me, with us. Not just because he showered me with gifts so I made him a meal or some other trivial display of happiness. But that true to the soul, down to the core, I can see it in your eyes, make your heart melt type of happiness. That's what I desire and that's what he deserves.
Honesty Hour
I find myself in a space where I can clearly see and admit that I desire to get married and have a baby (and in that order!). For years I'd convinced myself that those were not my wants or needs, I concluded that it wasn't for me, although my heart knew I was lying. As I finally heard the sincere words of a man who has been in my life for quite some time, I began to understand our bond a bit deeper. I decided to face a chapter of my life which I buried very deep within.
2002, my son was 2 years old and I found myself in a relationship out of convenience. I had experienced a pregnancy alone, sure the father was around to pick and chose which appointments or parts of our child's development was important to him. But mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I was alone. No one in my circle could relate so I had to figure things out on my own, hoping, wishing and praying for the best. I remember a few years before this I had a friend, we were in high school and she already had a child. At one point she was in this relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend. I remember her telling me of their arrangement and that he'd informed her that she was extra and his girlfriend was his priority. So of course they both get pregnant, and what does he tell her? The fact that she tried to hold on to this baby as if it would somehow change things to go in her favor I never understood. After far too long, I made it clear that it was decision time because the situation had grown toxic. She finally decides to end the pregnancy and he refused to take her, so I offer to be her support. We go and the entire situation was creepy, between the protestors and women of all ages, races & educational backgrounds the part that stuck out the most was the disclosure forms. They completely freaked me out! I recall calling my boyfriend almost in tears saying I could never do this and made him promise to never put me in that position. So now that I'm with someone else and pregnant, I can only think of the forms I read years prior. As everyone, including the man whose child I was carrying made their case for abortion I knew I would not choose that path.
So now, 2 years later, I find myself pregnant by a man who wants to marry me. That's different, but I'm not happy, I don't want this relationship or this child that would tie us together forever. Once I realized what I'd foolishly allowed to happen I immediately thought, I need to "fix" this and get out as quickly as I can! I scheduled appointments and decided I'd get rid of it and it wasn't necessary for me to even mention it, that was my plan. The experience of my first pregnancy had done something to me, I never wanted to go through anything like that again, memory of disclosure or not. To go through the most amazing journey alone, to have the happiest moment in your life reduced to a "mistake". The feeling of carrying a child and being the only person to care was something i said i'd never do again. I ended that pregnancy as well as the relationship and never looked back. I remember I hated myself, I knew it was the right thing FOR ME at the time, but I hated that I'd allowed myself to be so careless with my body. Committed, monogamous relationship or not I should've protected my body from the possibility.
Time passes and I get a bit wiser, condoms are not enough (tbh we actually used a condom when I got pregnant with my son) so I get birth control of my own! Now I'm in a relationship, my son is 5 and everyone's happy. We are inseparable then I have a car accident, he's caring, supportive, loving and everything else I need him to be. As I recover neither of us even considered that there was anything else going on, well after about a month we both realize my "special friend" had not come to visit. Sure enough, I'm pregnant and he's happy O_o everyone's happy, except for me. I can't stop thinking of all of the false-negative pregnancy tests, X-rays, pain medication and drinking I'd done since the accident. I tried to convince myself to find happiness, I love this man and he wants this baby so we may as well go through with it. The more I tried the harder it became, so I had no choice but to voice my concerns. Although they were well received, he wanted the baby however he failed to use the words "us", "we", "marriage", etc. which let me know what I had to do. The difference this time was that on some level I realized I did want this child. However I wanted a family, not ANOTHER "baby daddy", I refused to be about that life! So as hard as it was I'd made my decision and found a way to convince him that it was the right thing FOR US to do. Somehow I'm in the clinic and as I go to the back, he leaves. At some point I'd changed my mind, yet knowing he was gone awaiting the call when it was over I did not say anything. I figured that's just how it is and I'd have to live with it.
It's over, or so I thought. Weeks pass and I'm still not myself, something is wrong and the doctors can't figure it out. I'd even stopped speaking to him, I wanted no reminder of what I'd done, but now I must face it because I'm sick. Somehow the procedure had a snag and another doctor found it. One pregnancy, two surgeries; now it's over. Ready to move on yet according to the doctor I can't have any more children, to be honest I don't even remember the diagnoses or words spoken to me. All buried and never really thought of again. For years I lied and called it a "miscarriage"; I read somewhere that a miscarriage was a "spontaneous abortion", so what if the spontaneous part was actually planned, right?
Now I'm ready to move forward and experience what I've always wanted. I am in love with a man who is in love with me (at the same damn time), he wants to marry me and I want to marry him. Wow, I can't believe I really just typed that, and it's the truth lol. I want to have a child and create a family of us. So I made my appointment and I've expressed to my doctor that I need a complete check up and it's time to go into my chart and see what's really in there. I need to know if I can carry a healthy baby full term in order to prepare for whatever is to come.
I am scared and excited, too much time has passed and I owe it to myself and the man I intend to marry to have all of the necessary information available in order for us to design our future together. I don't even know when any of this will take place, I just believe that we are both preparing ourselves for the moment. When he asks, my answer is already "yes!", and we'd have an idea what our life will look like. I will also admit a part of me will understand if there's no possibility of children in my future however I believe God healed me and I've done the necessary repair and maintenance to get my womb as healthy and happy as possible. My faith is strong and I will be happy either way, I'm sure of it.
2002, my son was 2 years old and I found myself in a relationship out of convenience. I had experienced a pregnancy alone, sure the father was around to pick and chose which appointments or parts of our child's development was important to him. But mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I was alone. No one in my circle could relate so I had to figure things out on my own, hoping, wishing and praying for the best. I remember a few years before this I had a friend, we were in high school and she already had a child. At one point she was in this relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend. I remember her telling me of their arrangement and that he'd informed her that she was extra and his girlfriend was his priority. So of course they both get pregnant, and what does he tell her? The fact that she tried to hold on to this baby as if it would somehow change things to go in her favor I never understood. After far too long, I made it clear that it was decision time because the situation had grown toxic. She finally decides to end the pregnancy and he refused to take her, so I offer to be her support. We go and the entire situation was creepy, between the protestors and women of all ages, races & educational backgrounds the part that stuck out the most was the disclosure forms. They completely freaked me out! I recall calling my boyfriend almost in tears saying I could never do this and made him promise to never put me in that position. So now that I'm with someone else and pregnant, I can only think of the forms I read years prior. As everyone, including the man whose child I was carrying made their case for abortion I knew I would not choose that path.
So now, 2 years later, I find myself pregnant by a man who wants to marry me. That's different, but I'm not happy, I don't want this relationship or this child that would tie us together forever. Once I realized what I'd foolishly allowed to happen I immediately thought, I need to "fix" this and get out as quickly as I can! I scheduled appointments and decided I'd get rid of it and it wasn't necessary for me to even mention it, that was my plan. The experience of my first pregnancy had done something to me, I never wanted to go through anything like that again, memory of disclosure or not. To go through the most amazing journey alone, to have the happiest moment in your life reduced to a "mistake". The feeling of carrying a child and being the only person to care was something i said i'd never do again. I ended that pregnancy as well as the relationship and never looked back. I remember I hated myself, I knew it was the right thing FOR ME at the time, but I hated that I'd allowed myself to be so careless with my body. Committed, monogamous relationship or not I should've protected my body from the possibility.
Time passes and I get a bit wiser, condoms are not enough (tbh we actually used a condom when I got pregnant with my son) so I get birth control of my own! Now I'm in a relationship, my son is 5 and everyone's happy. We are inseparable then I have a car accident, he's caring, supportive, loving and everything else I need him to be. As I recover neither of us even considered that there was anything else going on, well after about a month we both realize my "special friend" had not come to visit. Sure enough, I'm pregnant and he's happy O_o everyone's happy, except for me. I can't stop thinking of all of the false-negative pregnancy tests, X-rays, pain medication and drinking I'd done since the accident. I tried to convince myself to find happiness, I love this man and he wants this baby so we may as well go through with it. The more I tried the harder it became, so I had no choice but to voice my concerns. Although they were well received, he wanted the baby however he failed to use the words "us", "we", "marriage", etc. which let me know what I had to do. The difference this time was that on some level I realized I did want this child. However I wanted a family, not ANOTHER "baby daddy", I refused to be about that life! So as hard as it was I'd made my decision and found a way to convince him that it was the right thing FOR US to do. Somehow I'm in the clinic and as I go to the back, he leaves. At some point I'd changed my mind, yet knowing he was gone awaiting the call when it was over I did not say anything. I figured that's just how it is and I'd have to live with it.
It's over, or so I thought. Weeks pass and I'm still not myself, something is wrong and the doctors can't figure it out. I'd even stopped speaking to him, I wanted no reminder of what I'd done, but now I must face it because I'm sick. Somehow the procedure had a snag and another doctor found it. One pregnancy, two surgeries; now it's over. Ready to move on yet according to the doctor I can't have any more children, to be honest I don't even remember the diagnoses or words spoken to me. All buried and never really thought of again. For years I lied and called it a "miscarriage"; I read somewhere that a miscarriage was a "spontaneous abortion", so what if the spontaneous part was actually planned, right?
Now I'm ready to move forward and experience what I've always wanted. I am in love with a man who is in love with me (at the same damn time), he wants to marry me and I want to marry him. Wow, I can't believe I really just typed that, and it's the truth lol. I want to have a child and create a family of us. So I made my appointment and I've expressed to my doctor that I need a complete check up and it's time to go into my chart and see what's really in there. I need to know if I can carry a healthy baby full term in order to prepare for whatever is to come.
I am scared and excited, too much time has passed and I owe it to myself and the man I intend to marry to have all of the necessary information available in order for us to design our future together. I don't even know when any of this will take place, I just believe that we are both preparing ourselves for the moment. When he asks, my answer is already "yes!", and we'd have an idea what our life will look like. I will also admit a part of me will understand if there's no possibility of children in my future however I believe God healed me and I've done the necessary repair and maintenance to get my womb as healthy and happy as possible. My faith is strong and I will be happy either way, I'm sure of it.
Sometimes I wish...
I could clone myself, that way I'd have the friend for myself that I am to other people.
Rumi Speaks to My Heart
"Why are you knocking at every door? Go, knock at the door of your own heart"
“The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”
“What you seek is seeking you.”
“When I am with you, we stay up all night. When you're not here, I can't go to sleep. Praise God for those two insomnias! And the difference between them.”
Last one.......
“I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come 'round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you've just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
"more”
“The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.”
“What you seek is seeking you.”
“When I am with you, we stay up all night. When you're not here, I can't go to sleep. Praise God for those two insomnias! And the difference between them.”
Last one.......
“I want to see you.
Know your voice.
Recognize you when you
first come 'round the corner.
Sense your scent when I come
into a room you've just left.
Know the lift of your heel,
the glide of your foot.
Become familiar with the way
you purse your lips
then let them part,
just the slightest bit,
when I lean in to your space
and kiss you.
I want to know the joy
of how you whisper
"more”
The Comfort of a Man
Why am I up at 2am!?! As a million and one answers come to mind (all of them correct), I realize how refreshing it is to have a man around. I am reminded of a couple occasions this past weekend when my anxiety was at it's very worst. In both instances the man who was by my side (one was a friend and the other was the guy I'd just met) both offered words of encouragement and support. At one point I found myself actually afraid and this man held my hand and helped me down a mountain (literally).
No matter how "independent" or whatever we've become, it's nothing like the comfort of a man. I am grateful to know so many wonderful ones.
No matter how "independent" or whatever we've become, it's nothing like the comfort of a man. I am grateful to know so many wonderful ones.
How Does the "Old Fashioned" Girl Find Love These Days?
Randomly, I had a memory of a time when I lived at home, I remember thinking "this is the life!", especially once I bought my first car and found myself with a "good job". I was old enough to make my own decisions and provide the finer things for myself however I was still young enough to get away with the fact I lived at home with my family. I remember I told myself "I'll just stay here and save until I get married" well had I kept that way of thinking I'd still be there. I recall approaching 30 and I began to feel some type of way, I kept thinking "a 30 year old woman should not live at home", for some reason that was like a big deal to me. So of course my good friend "OCD" reminded me of this fact EV-ER-Y Day! After a while it started to die down and what do I do? I redecorate my room (the fact that I am dead serious is just.....) I had the perfect bed, I'd just sit to watch TV and fall asleep; man, a good mattress is the best investment! anyway, without going into detail, there was a shift and it sparked my OCD into over drive. I was determined to get my own place, I remember I made myself so uncomfortable with not being completely responsible for myself that I left that AMAZING bed and paid someone to sleep on their couch (I will love them forever as I realize how instrumental that was to the woman I am today). I don't even remember how it happened, I just remember in the blink of an eye, a friend who I'd just had a major falling out with mentions getting a place together. Without a second thought the plan was in motion, I think we looked at one place, fell in love and the Universe rolled out the red carpet for us.
I also remember during that time, my social life was quite different than what it has become. I remember guys I dated had no problem coming to my humble block to pick me up when I didn't have a car. I remember a guy would drive miles to spend time with me, yet as soon as I moved to my own apartment, suddenly I live too far (although the drive to this place is closer and more pleasant than the previous one). It's funny when my friend and I got our place we didn't have much, basically our bedrooms were together because we lived at home and that's all we needed prior to this. And we went shopping to get our kitchen and bathrooms in order. We found a cute dining set , but as far as the living room, we either couldn't agree or we weren't "in love" with what we were buying, so it stayed empty. I don't know what happened but around year 1 something changed in our apartment. The energy was OFF and neither one of us liked it there anymore, the last straw was when the rainy season came and my balcony started to flood, then I woke up to it literally raining INSIDE my bedroom. Needless to say it was time to move, we see another apartment downstairs and place our request. The energy is right, we're both happy! So what do we do? Buy furniture! I remember telling this guy that I was furniture shopping and like everything else I said to him, he doubted. The next time we spoke I don't remember if he brought it up or if I did, but someone brought up the furniture. Then he asks "so what are you getting?" and I rattled it off basically letting him know that we were completely furnishing our living room and making a few upgrades. His response was something about he didn't understand why I'd buy everything at once just so I could live paycheck to paycheck. Oh, I was offended! The fact that he would make such an assumption, like the thought didn't even cross his mind that we set a goal and saved in order to reach it. So the moment we found pieces we LOVED and wanted in our home we were able to purchase them.
This past weekend I had a conversation with one of my best friends, I mentioned to him that I'd met a guy earlier that day and I was trying to decide if I liked him. Upon realizing I do, we exchange words then I believe he says something about me asking the guy on a date. I said absolutely NOT! He began to tell me how we're in the 21st century and no one dates like it's the 1950's anymore. I heard his opinion and I disagreed, I explained to him my point of view. As a woman, I've already let him know that I was interested so it's up to him to make a move. I believe the way you begin a relationship with someone is how it will go ultimately deteriorating along the way without proper maintenance (see "The Representative"). So if I start out the gate, asking him on a date, then I may as well pay for it too. What's next? Oh come move into my apartment and let me buy you a car too. Now I'm the man?! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with being there for my man, however what I wont do is be that chick for every man. Back to the conversation, so I explained that I don't mind asking a man out over time, however in the beginning, the man establishes the tempo of the relationship. I want to know and believe that you actually like me, want to spend time with me, want to hear my voice, not just spend my money and (half ass) explore my body. I would hope that men felt the same, so while he's showing me that he is actually into me then my heart will open. I think that's what's missing out here, everybody so damn hard. Scared to say how they feel, and we see what that gets us. At least I see where that had me, I was so scared to say the simplest things, scared of being hurt or heaven forbid the person didn't feel the same. Now idgaf, I say whatever, I don't even care of they don't respond. I've learned two things from that; either (s)he's still scared of expressing feelings and getting hurt OR (s)he doesn't have the same intention/purpose in this situation as you do. To that I say, elevate higher and it will reveal itself to you on its own.
I feel, I shouldn't have to lower my standards to have a relationship. Since I've been spending more time with my dad and I am finally ready to admit that I am in a space where I desire to live a certain life. I find myself thinking, "would my dad like him?" and if the answer is a quick "no" hmmmmm this may not make it. I then remember how I felt when Terrance said things to me (see "My First Love"), and how honest and vulnerable he would allow himself to be. My friend/neighbor, when I would complain to him about being fat he put on his sneakers and knocked on my door and dragged me to the gym. He encouraged me and pushed me until I started to see results. My friend/brother who has been so empathic, encouraging, supportive and even nurturing as I've become someone with "anxiety disorder". I've known him for 10 years and in the span of about two weeks I cant even count the number of times he's witnessed my tears and did not judge me. And I cant forget my friend/twin, he has been the utmost gentleman, respectful to himself, his wife and to me. When I ask him advice about a guy I'm interested in, he actually gives objective words of wisdom. I am surrounded by men who are respectful, faithful to their relationships, responsible, nurturing, encouraging, loving, etc. So why on Earth would I not expect that from someone who actually gets every part of me?
I am no closer to answering the title question now as I was when I typed it, I guess time will tell. I believe that man exists and if we are meant he will know me and know how to get me, if he wants me. And if he is unable or unwilling to do it properly then we aren't on the same page anyway. I guess what I'm talking about is the mate of my soul, no matter the season, why settle for anything less?
I also remember during that time, my social life was quite different than what it has become. I remember guys I dated had no problem coming to my humble block to pick me up when I didn't have a car. I remember a guy would drive miles to spend time with me, yet as soon as I moved to my own apartment, suddenly I live too far (although the drive to this place is closer and more pleasant than the previous one). It's funny when my friend and I got our place we didn't have much, basically our bedrooms were together because we lived at home and that's all we needed prior to this. And we went shopping to get our kitchen and bathrooms in order. We found a cute dining set , but as far as the living room, we either couldn't agree or we weren't "in love" with what we were buying, so it stayed empty. I don't know what happened but around year 1 something changed in our apartment. The energy was OFF and neither one of us liked it there anymore, the last straw was when the rainy season came and my balcony started to flood, then I woke up to it literally raining INSIDE my bedroom. Needless to say it was time to move, we see another apartment downstairs and place our request. The energy is right, we're both happy! So what do we do? Buy furniture! I remember telling this guy that I was furniture shopping and like everything else I said to him, he doubted. The next time we spoke I don't remember if he brought it up or if I did, but someone brought up the furniture. Then he asks "so what are you getting?" and I rattled it off basically letting him know that we were completely furnishing our living room and making a few upgrades. His response was something about he didn't understand why I'd buy everything at once just so I could live paycheck to paycheck. Oh, I was offended! The fact that he would make such an assumption, like the thought didn't even cross his mind that we set a goal and saved in order to reach it. So the moment we found pieces we LOVED and wanted in our home we were able to purchase them.
This past weekend I had a conversation with one of my best friends, I mentioned to him that I'd met a guy earlier that day and I was trying to decide if I liked him. Upon realizing I do, we exchange words then I believe he says something about me asking the guy on a date. I said absolutely NOT! He began to tell me how we're in the 21st century and no one dates like it's the 1950's anymore. I heard his opinion and I disagreed, I explained to him my point of view. As a woman, I've already let him know that I was interested so it's up to him to make a move. I believe the way you begin a relationship with someone is how it will go ultimately deteriorating along the way without proper maintenance (see "The Representative"). So if I start out the gate, asking him on a date, then I may as well pay for it too. What's next? Oh come move into my apartment and let me buy you a car too. Now I'm the man?! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with being there for my man, however what I wont do is be that chick for every man. Back to the conversation, so I explained that I don't mind asking a man out over time, however in the beginning, the man establishes the tempo of the relationship. I want to know and believe that you actually like me, want to spend time with me, want to hear my voice, not just spend my money and (half ass) explore my body. I would hope that men felt the same, so while he's showing me that he is actually into me then my heart will open. I think that's what's missing out here, everybody so damn hard. Scared to say how they feel, and we see what that gets us. At least I see where that had me, I was so scared to say the simplest things, scared of being hurt or heaven forbid the person didn't feel the same. Now idgaf, I say whatever, I don't even care of they don't respond. I've learned two things from that; either (s)he's still scared of expressing feelings and getting hurt OR (s)he doesn't have the same intention/purpose in this situation as you do. To that I say, elevate higher and it will reveal itself to you on its own.
I feel, I shouldn't have to lower my standards to have a relationship. Since I've been spending more time with my dad and I am finally ready to admit that I am in a space where I desire to live a certain life. I find myself thinking, "would my dad like him?" and if the answer is a quick "no" hmmmmm this may not make it. I then remember how I felt when Terrance said things to me (see "My First Love"), and how honest and vulnerable he would allow himself to be. My friend/neighbor, when I would complain to him about being fat he put on his sneakers and knocked on my door and dragged me to the gym. He encouraged me and pushed me until I started to see results. My friend/brother who has been so empathic, encouraging, supportive and even nurturing as I've become someone with "anxiety disorder". I've known him for 10 years and in the span of about two weeks I cant even count the number of times he's witnessed my tears and did not judge me. And I cant forget my friend/twin, he has been the utmost gentleman, respectful to himself, his wife and to me. When I ask him advice about a guy I'm interested in, he actually gives objective words of wisdom. I am surrounded by men who are respectful, faithful to their relationships, responsible, nurturing, encouraging, loving, etc. So why on Earth would I not expect that from someone who actually gets every part of me?
I am no closer to answering the title question now as I was when I typed it, I guess time will tell. I believe that man exists and if we are meant he will know me and know how to get me, if he wants me. And if he is unable or unwilling to do it properly then we aren't on the same page anyway. I guess what I'm talking about is the mate of my soul, no matter the season, why settle for anything less?
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