Randomly, I had a memory of a time when I lived at home, I remember thinking "this is the life!", especially once I bought my first car and found myself with a "good job". I was old enough to make my own decisions and provide the finer things for myself however I was still young enough to get away with the fact I lived at home with my family. I remember I told myself "I'll just stay here and save until I get married" well had I kept that way of thinking I'd still be there. I recall approaching 30 and I began to feel some type of way, I kept thinking "a 30 year old woman should not live at home", for some reason that was like a big deal to me. So of course my good friend "OCD" reminded me of this fact EV-ER-Y Day! After a while it started to die down and what do I do? I redecorate my room (the fact that I am dead serious is just.....) I had the perfect bed, I'd just sit to watch TV and fall asleep; man, a good mattress is the best investment! anyway, without going into detail, there was a shift and it sparked my OCD into over drive. I was determined to get my own place, I remember I made myself so uncomfortable with not being completely responsible for myself that I left that AMAZING bed and paid someone to sleep on their couch (I will love them forever as I realize how instrumental that was to the woman I am today). I don't even remember how it happened, I just remember in the blink of an eye, a friend who I'd just had a major falling out with mentions getting a place together. Without a second thought the plan was in motion, I think we looked at one place, fell in love and the Universe rolled out the red carpet for us.
I also remember during that time, my social life was quite different than what it has become. I remember guys I dated had no problem coming to my humble block to pick me up when I didn't have a car. I remember a guy would drive miles to spend time with me, yet as soon as I moved to my own apartment, suddenly I live too far (although the drive to this place is closer and more pleasant than the previous one). It's funny when my friend and I got our place we didn't have much, basically our bedrooms were together because we lived at home and that's all we needed prior to this. And we went shopping to get our kitchen and bathrooms in order. We found a cute dining set , but as far as the living room, we either couldn't agree or we weren't "in love" with what we were buying, so it stayed empty. I don't know what happened but around year 1 something changed in our apartment. The energy was OFF and neither one of us liked it there anymore, the last straw was when the rainy season came and my balcony started to flood, then I woke up to it literally raining INSIDE my bedroom. Needless to say it was time to move, we see another apartment downstairs and place our request. The energy is right, we're both happy! So what do we do? Buy furniture! I remember telling this guy that I was furniture shopping and like everything else I said to him, he doubted. The next time we spoke I don't remember if he brought it up or if I did, but someone brought up the furniture. Then he asks "so what are you getting?" and I rattled it off basically letting him know that we were completely furnishing our living room and making a few upgrades. His response was something about he didn't understand why I'd buy everything at once just so I could live paycheck to paycheck. Oh, I was offended! The fact that he would make such an assumption, like the thought didn't even cross his mind that we set a goal and saved in order to reach it. So the moment we found pieces we LOVED and wanted in our home we were able to purchase them.
This past weekend I had a conversation with one of my best friends, I mentioned to him that I'd met a guy earlier that day and I was trying to decide if I liked him. Upon realizing I do, we exchange words then I believe he says something about me asking the guy on a date. I said absolutely NOT! He began to tell me how we're in the 21st century and no one dates like it's the 1950's anymore. I heard his opinion and I disagreed, I explained to him my point of view. As a woman, I've already let him know that I was interested so it's up to him to make a move. I believe the way you begin a relationship with someone is how it will go ultimately deteriorating along the way without proper maintenance (see "The Representative"). So if I start out the gate, asking him on a date, then I may as well pay for it too. What's next? Oh come move into my apartment and let me buy you a car too. Now I'm the man?! Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with being there for my man, however what I wont do is be that chick for every man. Back to the conversation, so I explained that I don't mind asking a man out over time, however in the beginning, the man establishes the tempo of the relationship. I want to know and believe that you actually like me, want to spend time with me, want to hear my voice, not just spend my money and (half ass) explore my body. I would hope that men felt the same, so while he's showing me that he is actually into me then my heart will open. I think that's what's missing out here, everybody so damn hard. Scared to say how they feel, and we see what that gets us. At least I see where that had me, I was so scared to say the simplest things, scared of being hurt or heaven forbid the person didn't feel the same. Now idgaf, I say whatever, I don't even care of they don't respond. I've learned two things from that; either (s)he's still scared of expressing feelings and getting hurt OR (s)he doesn't have the same intention/purpose in this situation as you do. To that I say, elevate higher and it will reveal itself to you on its own.
I feel, I shouldn't have to lower my standards to have a relationship. Since I've been spending more time with my dad and I am finally ready to admit that I am in a space where I desire to live a certain life. I find myself thinking, "would my dad like him?" and if the answer is a quick "no" hmmmmm this may not make it. I then remember how I felt when Terrance said things to me (see "My First Love"), and how honest and vulnerable he would allow himself to be. My friend/neighbor, when I would complain to him about being fat he put on his sneakers and knocked on my door and dragged me to the gym. He encouraged me and pushed me until I started to see results. My friend/brother who has been so empathic, encouraging, supportive and even nurturing as I've become someone with "anxiety disorder". I've known him for 10 years and in the span of about two weeks I cant even count the number of times he's witnessed my tears and did not judge me. And I cant forget my friend/twin, he has been the utmost gentleman, respectful to himself, his wife and to me. When I ask him advice about a guy I'm interested in, he actually gives objective words of wisdom. I am surrounded by men who are respectful, faithful to their relationships, responsible, nurturing, encouraging, loving, etc. So why on Earth would I not expect that from someone who actually gets every part of me?
I am no closer to answering the title question now as I was when I typed it, I guess time will tell. I believe that man exists and if we are meant he will know me and know how to get me, if he wants me. And if he is unable or unwilling to do it properly then we aren't on the same page anyway. I guess what I'm talking about is the mate of my soul, no matter the season, why settle for anything less?
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