Don't know why I chose to read through my journal just now, perhaps the restlessness I feel or the level of anxiety I am hoping will disappear. For a second I thought it would take my mind off of the miserable day I had at work. It was one of those days where I didn't want to get out of bed, as I realized I could not, hmmm more like "should not" call in today. So as I make that motion to get out of my loving bed I felt nauseous, the feeling remained for much of the day.
I had a few things that I thought would keep me motivated yet one by one I was disappointed. The paths weren't as easy as I had expected them to be, not due to lack of effort, but based on how those involved presented things. So now I am still, unsure which step to take next, so I do what I can to put a pause in as many of the tasks as I can. I am reminded that a lot of times things happen and if we are hasty it isn't always the most beneficial or effective outcome. Like the saying about how sometimes God isn't saying "no", the Creator may just have something better in store.
So as I turned the page and read something I'd written on July 9, 2012, I decided to share:
This morning I was awakened by a thought.
"Sometimes we are given a blessing, however by free will we can decide to accept it or not".
A blessing is something that we are technically undeserving of. We have received favor or mercy from the Creator, the blessing is designed to take us to a higher level thereby admiring or cherishing the blessing as well as the originator of ALL blessings.
Other times we are rewarded. A reward is something received in return of service, merit and/or work.
If you chose not to accept the blessings of God, (s)he may then store your blessings and send them as a reward for someone who truly deserves them. Now that person receives blessings on top of blessings and rewards on top of rewards.
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You know the saying, "what God has for me, is for me" right? In this moment I am reminded of my son. Once his dad purchased an android phone that's all he would talk about, and he expressed how much he wanted one. Soon after I purchased one for him, well he wasn't very appreciative so I made a mental note and kept it pushin. Then he saw me trade in my beloved Blackberry and join Team iPhone, so of course he wants an iPhone. Now the iPhone 5 is out, before I would've upgraded just because it was available not out of necessity. When asked I thought about it and said, "no". Then I have a thought, I could upgrade my phone, rearrange my plan and give the 4 to my son. It's set! That's my plan, I'm looking forward to giving him this gift, that he truly hasn't done anything to earn; it would've been a blessing to him.
So fast forward, I'm not sure the amount of time, but we're back to school shopping. He's arrogant, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered and unappreciative. Who is this kid? And how the hell do I send him back?! With that one display of foolishness he not only made me change my mind about the phone upgrade, but also a few other "blessings" I just wanted to shower him with. He is now in a category where I only reward work completed, yes, I'm still encouraging and supportive, but that extra little something. Yeah, that's on hold until he can realize the things I must do as his mother versus the things I choose to do to put a smile on his face. No one wants to put forth an effort to make another happy just to find they're being taken for granted.
One day at work I had a thought and I jotted it down:
Take heed to God's warnings, they are to keep you on track and allow you to see life w/o grace and mercy in your life. Don't take them lightly.
Appreciation, thankfulness, gratitude and humility will take you much further than ego, arrogance, pride and the like will leave you.
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