I find myself in a space where I can clearly see and admit that I desire to get married and have a baby (and in that order!). For years I'd convinced myself that those were not my wants or needs, I concluded that it wasn't for me, although my heart knew I was lying. As I finally heard the sincere words of a man who has been in my life for quite some time, I began to understand our bond a bit deeper. I decided to face a chapter of my life which I buried very deep within.
2002, my son was 2 years old and I found myself in a relationship out of convenience. I had experienced a pregnancy alone, sure the father was around to pick and chose which appointments or parts of our child's development was important to him. But mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually I was alone. No one in my circle could relate so I had to figure things out on my own, hoping, wishing and praying for the best. I remember a few years before this I had a friend, we were in high school and she already had a child. At one point she was in this relationship with a guy who had a girlfriend. I remember her telling me of their arrangement and that he'd informed her that she was extra and his girlfriend was his priority. So of course they both get pregnant, and what does he tell her? The fact that she tried to hold on to this baby as if it would somehow change things to go in her favor I never understood. After far too long, I made it clear that it was decision time because the situation had grown toxic. She finally decides to end the pregnancy and he refused to take her, so I offer to be her support. We go and the entire situation was creepy, between the protestors and women of all ages, races & educational backgrounds the part that stuck out the most was the disclosure forms. They completely freaked me out! I recall calling my boyfriend almost in tears saying I could never do this and made him promise to never put me in that position. So now that I'm with someone else and pregnant, I can only think of the forms I read years prior. As everyone, including the man whose child I was carrying made their case for abortion I knew I would not choose that path.
So now, 2 years later, I find myself pregnant by a man who wants to marry me. That's different, but I'm not happy, I don't want this relationship or this child that would tie us together forever. Once I realized what I'd foolishly allowed to happen I immediately thought, I need to "fix" this and get out as quickly as I can! I scheduled appointments and decided I'd get rid of it and it wasn't necessary for me to even mention it, that was my plan. The experience of my first pregnancy had done something to me, I never wanted to go through anything like that again, memory of disclosure or not. To go through the most amazing journey alone, to have the happiest moment in your life reduced to a "mistake". The feeling of carrying a child and being the only person to care was something i said i'd never do again. I ended that pregnancy as well as the relationship and never looked back. I remember I hated myself, I knew it was the right thing FOR ME at the time, but I hated that I'd allowed myself to be so careless with my body. Committed, monogamous relationship or not I should've protected my body from the possibility.
Time passes and I get a bit wiser, condoms are not enough (tbh we actually used a condom when I got pregnant with my son) so I get birth control of my own! Now I'm in a relationship, my son is 5 and everyone's happy. We are inseparable then I have a car accident, he's caring, supportive, loving and everything else I need him to be. As I recover neither of us even considered that there was anything else going on, well after about a month we both realize my "special friend" had not come to visit. Sure enough, I'm pregnant and he's happy O_o everyone's happy, except for me. I can't stop thinking of all of the false-negative pregnancy tests, X-rays, pain medication and drinking I'd done since the accident. I tried to convince myself to find happiness, I love this man and he wants this baby so we may as well go through with it. The more I tried the harder it became, so I had no choice but to voice my concerns. Although they were well received, he wanted the baby however he failed to use the words "us", "we", "marriage", etc. which let me know what I had to do. The difference this time was that on some level I realized I did want this child. However I wanted a family, not ANOTHER "baby daddy", I refused to be about that life! So as hard as it was I'd made my decision and found a way to convince him that it was the right thing FOR US to do. Somehow I'm in the clinic and as I go to the back, he leaves. At some point I'd changed my mind, yet knowing he was gone awaiting the call when it was over I did not say anything. I figured that's just how it is and I'd have to live with it.
It's over, or so I thought. Weeks pass and I'm still not myself, something is wrong and the doctors can't figure it out. I'd even stopped speaking to him, I wanted no reminder of what I'd done, but now I must face it because I'm sick. Somehow the procedure had a snag and another doctor found it. One pregnancy, two surgeries; now it's over. Ready to move on yet according to the doctor I can't have any more children, to be honest I don't even remember the diagnoses or words spoken to me. All buried and never really thought of again. For years I lied and called it a "miscarriage"; I read somewhere that a miscarriage was a "spontaneous abortion", so what if the spontaneous part was actually planned, right?
Now I'm ready to move forward and experience what I've always wanted. I am in love with a man who is in love with me (at the same damn time), he wants to marry me and I want to marry him. Wow, I can't believe I really just typed that, and it's the truth lol. I want to have a child and create a family of us. So I made my appointment and I've expressed to my doctor that I need a complete check up and it's time to go into my chart and see what's really in there. I need to know if I can carry a healthy baby full term in order to prepare for whatever is to come.
I am scared and excited, too much time has passed and I owe it to myself and the man I intend to marry to have all of the necessary information available in order for us to design our future together. I don't even know when any of this will take place, I just believe that we are both preparing ourselves for the moment. When he asks, my answer is already "yes!", and we'd have an idea what our life will look like. I will also admit a part of me will understand if there's no possibility of children in my future however I believe God healed me and I've done the necessary repair and maintenance to get my womb as healthy and happy as possible. My faith is strong and I will be happy either way, I'm sure of it.
No comments:
Post a Comment