The World Outside My Window

As some have noticed, it's been a while since I've shared my thoughts with you. On one hand, I'd like to apologize however I'm not sure why. As I pause for a moment to ask myself why I felt this way, the thought "it would be the nice thing to do" came to mind. On the other hand, as I've expressed on Twitter and in previous posts; I try not to use this as an outlet for whining and/or complaining. So I decided to "be still" until I had the words to share. I'm not quite sure where to begin or how much to share so this should be interesting lol. I decided it was time for me to return to church, this was a few months ago. So I prayed and meditated on what I needed, I was very clear with God as well as myself that I wasn't at all interested in "playing church". I wanted to be taught, nurtured, understood and productive. I didn't want to just sit in the pew and leave the same way I'd arrived. So after like months of conversa...

Over the past few months I've had various conversations with two guys I've had relationships with. One person expressed to me while disagreeing on our level of interaction, he'd simply find "another girl like" me, but without all of MY bullshit. I wished him luck on his task and thought to myself "if he thought I frustrate him, he's surely jumping out of the frying pan into the fire". The other gentleman and I have a better friendship overall, the difference between the two comes from one person understanding and accepting my boundaries while the other refused. So, the friend and I have various conversations regarding his "love life", he often expresses the type of relationship he'd prefer and the hilarious part is, each time he describes me and/or the relationship we had many moons ago. Sometimes I can see or hear the torment this causes, and I attempt to create a safe distance. I then had a moment of introspection and realized how ...

Last night I had a thought: "loving myself allows me to love you". When I realized what that really means I began to imagine, IF I truly loved myself, the way we are supposed to, how much easier it would be to love another? For example: how much baggage could we eliminate from our relationships? Love casts out fear (doubt, insecurity, etc.) therefore "IF" there is (pure) love these other things couldn't/ wouldn't be able to exist. With that being said; I will strive a bit harder to love me! I will fall IN love with Kamille, which will allow me to love others more freely, consistently and unconditionally.

The quote "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" popped in my head several times yesterday.  So when it came to mind today, it was followed by a thought of my own:  the teacher was there all along, the student was just unwilling or unprepared to see.   I remember a particular area in my life, I've mentioned various degrees in several posts about how I refused to take the relationship advise of a friend when it came to a certain person.  My friend would tell me to say or do things and I'd respond "I'm not doing that!" or "I'm not saying that!" ; not because I disagreed with her instruction, but because I was unwilling to be vulnerable along with the fear of rejection.  Finally, I don't recall what triggered the switch, but I realized how much time I'd lost and how my interaction with this person had grown worse over time.  I was able to admit the percentage contributed by me so I can't just chalk it up to ...

I believe everyone who knows me knows I am absolutely into fairytales. I feel in my being that I've been Royalty many times before, which often creates friction as I've experienced something altogether different at various times in this life. I recall several times when faced with challenges, I'd say to myself, "this has got to be a parallel Universe". I just knew things were meant to be different and I had to find the path which lead to it. I love my Dragons! They're often the ones who send smoke signals if necessary to find me. They figure out a way to contact me even when it takes effort and is inconvenient. And for that I appreciate them. I acknowledge the moat which surrounds My Castle, I know I may seem distant at times, however I pray that you consider the fact that introspection is necessary; trouble comes when that shifts into isolation. Which is where My Knights in Shining Armor come in, they are supposed to be so in tuned with me that they know w...

It's not my place to judge, I'm only here to #Love. I accept you as you are, even when I don't condone what you do. #iPray for the same #Mercy #Grace #Empathy #LoveUnconditional

JEHOVAH-JIREH - "The Lord our provider" - This is also the name Abraham gave to the place where the Lord provided a sacrifice in place of Isaac. ( Gen. 22:14 ). JEHOVAH-NISSI -"Our banner, a banner of love and protection" - Also the name Moses gave to the altar he built after defeating the Amalekites ( Ex. 17:15 ). JEHOVAH-SHALOM -"Our perfect peace" - Also the name Gideon gave to the altar he built at Ophrah ( Judges 6:24 ) JEHOVAH-TSID-KENU -"The Lord is our righteousness " - The name is applied to a future Davidic king who would lead his people to do what is right and thus bring peace ( Jeremiah 23:6 ) and to the restored city of Jerusalem ( Jeremiah 33:16 ). The name is possibly a play on the name of Zedekiah ("Righteous [is] the Lord") who reigned from 597 to 587 B.C. JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH -"The One Who is with us everywhere for He is Omnipresent" - The Jerusalem of Ezekiel's vision ( see Ezek...

Sometimes I'm puzzled by the way my mind works, I remember being bored in school once I no longer felt challenged. I tried it their way and nothing seemed to work. So I spent my time at the beach or on some type of adventure exploring the city. I recall as I got older I no longer dreamt of an occupation, I was just getting by from one day to the next without a care or thought of the details which would make up my future. I'd eventually stop going to all my classes once it was apparent my guidance counselor was never available when I requested appointments. I tried going to Saturday school to get the necessary credits and that didn't last long, I then transferred schools and made an effort to do better. Well that didn't work either, as a last resort I decided to skip the day shift and enroll in Adult School. Eventually one of the teachers pulled me aside and asked what I was doing there, I made the long story short without a thought of what his response would be. Afte...

I used to wish I had a sister, the catch was: only if we were twins , so she'd understand me.  Clearly that isn't the case since I identify myself as an only child.  Funny, since that's not completely the case either, but I won't even bother going into that.  Anywho... Over time I've established various relationships with women of all ages and nationalities.  I recall years ago, I attended a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues and as a friend and I dined between sets, we struck up a conversation with a Caucasian woman.  We laughed, drank, talked and at one point she addressed us as "sister".   I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable as she did not know if we would accept her as our sister .  We let her know, that her offer was accepted and we did identify with her as our "sister", the sudden heaviness quickly evaporated from the air and we continued our fellowship.  Throughout the years I've become more supportive of Women in Business ....

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

I will admit, it was extremely hard to get out of bed.  I set my alarm and surprisingly for the first time in days I actually woke up before it went off.  Normally, I just don't hear it, which is strange since that's typically not an issue or me.  So I begin with prayer and meditation (see, Hello, Good Morning! ) then I am reminded that I have a therapy appointment.  It was truly a struggle to leave my bed for several reasons:  I was comfortable, I have a cold or sinus whatever and a migraine that I've been fighting since Wednesday.  That justifies missing my appointment, right? WRONG! I have a thought,  "Obedience is better than Sacrifice" so I drag myself out of bed and try to pull myself together so I look somewhat presentable. I realize that it's my own fault if I am late for my appointment, so at some point I say a quick prayer requesting to get there on time or at maximum 10 minutes late.  I ha...

I love the morning, it's dawn when the city is still silent. That's usually the moment I am aware that I am awake, I have my talk with God and/or lay in a space of meditation; the day begins in peace. There's something about the presence of God that feels like pure Love. I remember when I first truly acknowledged and began to seek a relationship with The Creator. I was 19 years old, heartbroken, scared and pregnant. Everyone approached me with their opinion on what my next step should be and I knew that wasn't my path. However, I had no clue how or why, I then realized; I can no longer live my life without the one who created it. For the first time since I was a child, I began to study my Bible and cry out to God to "order my steps" and that's exactly what happened. Perhaps I'll finish this story one day, in this moment I just wanted to share my experience. It's one thing to know that "God is everywhere", but it's something magica...

If you've ever dealt with a situation or circumstance mostly out of your control it is inevitable that you will experience some level of frustration, stress and/or annoyance.  You will encounter "representatives" who are either incompetent, inefficient or both. All of which I have a very low patience for ( insert heavy sigh here ). Especially when people act as if they are doing you a favor by half ass doing their job, it amazes me how often I've come across this experience since the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack in September 2012. I've encountered the most unprofessional company I think I've ever experienced in my life, the unhelpful gentleman did not acknowledge my request to speak with a supervisor however continued to repeat information that I already advised him of when I initially requested to speak with higher management.  As he was made aware, although I appreciate his efforts, I need to speak with someone with the authority...