As some have noticed, it's been a while since I've shared my thoughts with you. On one hand, I'd like to apologize however I'm not sure why. As I pause for a moment to ask myself why I felt this way, the thought "it would be the nice thing to do" came to mind. On the other hand, as I've expressed on Twitter and in previous posts; I try not to use this as an outlet for whining and/or complaining. So I decided to "be still" until I had the words to share. I'm not quite sure where to begin or how much to share so this should be interesting lol.
I decided it was time for me to return to church, this was a few months ago. So I prayed and meditated on what I needed, I was very clear with God as well as myself that I wasn't at all interested in "playing church". I wanted to be taught, nurtured, understood and productive. I didn't want to just sit in the pew and leave the same way I'd arrived. So after like months of conversations with God (prayer and meditation) I awoke one morning with the thought "I have to go to church today!", so I text a friend/ mentor who grew up in church and lives a lifestyle that I can relate to. She responds with the name and directions to a church that came to her heart. I immediately got dressed and headed to the church, once the service was over I knew it was the answer to my prayers. Shortly after I decided to join and truly live a life of a single, Christian Woman (see Proverbs 31:10-31). If you haven't figured it out by now, or if you're new to the blog:
I'm old fashioned. I grew up watching shows of men being loving providers and women being caring nurturers, raising children under one household and growing together as a family. I admired that structure, partly because it was the complete opposite of my life as well as the way it made me feel as I watched. So as I made changes (physically, emotionally & spiritually) I realized how the anxiety disorder was attempting to change me mentally. I've always been aware of my differences, especially with other women. Typically I keep my standards to myself and accept others however they come. I remember as a teenager my Dad would tell me all the time "don't be promiscuous and above everything else, don't be stupid!". Those were his rules, no explanation, no discussion and I willingly accepted them. So as I'd talk to him about some of the things my friends were doing or stuff guys would say to me and how I felt about it, I was understanding the rules and why I'd chosen to adhere to them. Now that I'm an adult my Dad has actually said, "it's okay if you're promiscuous" I told him how ridiculous he sounded and that this conversation shouldn't happen again. I am a believer of boundaries, which leads me to the inspiration behind this post. While on Facebook I come across the following from a page I "like":
Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it, but only when you are overflowing from goodness you gave yourself first! ~ Reuben- Mindful Creation
I'd always done that, until I recognized that I wasn't being appreciated. So at some point I created "The Ice Princess", I'll post about "her" soon. Somehow with giving and feeling undervalued in my personal life, I'd attracted it to my professional life leading to this issue with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (check out this article for more information). However the most important thing that was damaged was my self worth. I'd never thought there was an issue, I'd kept myself put together for the most part, intelligent, but I'd began accepting foolishness into my life believing what everyone always tells me, "that's unrealistic", "that's too much" or "that's crazy" to every dream or desire expressed. I began to "play small" in order to blend in and not ruffle feathers, what I hadn't expected was how the outcome I was trying to avoid was exactly what happened. So I press forward (see various posts from Aug 2012 through today) now as I find myself on an unknown path along my journey I've noticed the speed of the answers to my prayers.
Most recently I'd spent some time with my family and experienced a divine fellowship with The Creator, I received revelation regarding events from my past which lead to the way I chose to present myself to the world. I believed a particular space of hurt and pain for me had been healed and I began to rejoice. The trouble came when this freaked out one of my relatives, without going into details I left feeling a certain type of way, later as I vented and attempted to enter a space of meditation, I had an anxiety attack. The worse one to date, even worse, it came suddenly and I had no medication due to my desire for freedom. Praise God for grace, because without it I really could have snapped and lost my sanity. Since then I've spoken with my therapist, psychiatrist and made note to speak with my Pastor. My therapist is quite familiar with the triggers associated with my family so she wasn't at all surprised by the incident and instructed me to keep a healthy distance for now.
Now several of my prayers have been answered and I can easily see the path to the fairytale life I've often mentioned and dream of. So the other evening while with my new friend, at one point I had trouble sleeping. Typically I have insomnia, however this was something different. I recognized that I felt paranoid because I don't usually sleep out, so as I laid there I began my usual prayer and meditation and at some point I knew God's presence was there. Oh, let me rewind quickly to the past couple of weeks: I've been reading a lot about God's glory along with my vision board and books such as "Love letters of Great Men" and "Love Poems" by Pablo Neruda. I've felt intense vibrations during meditation and my level of understanding has grown. If you follow my Twitter (@ShoesEqualAmore) and/or Instagram (kingkamille3) you may be familiar with the books and bible passages.
To quote @johnsonkelsey from Twitter "My dreams already scare me, but the fact that they are really coming true terrifies me!". To the point I was afraid to attend church yesterday, I was trying to figure out if I'd felt guilty for spending the Evening out or something silly. I prayed for my heart to be searched and to know if I was trying to justify something or if there was another explanation. And the truth is, I'd asked to be taken "to the clouds" (see I Kings 8:10-11) and after knowing that God was with me, I thought I knew what was coming next and it scared me.
When I attend my church service, the presence of God is so powerful. This experience is much different from when I attended church in the past (see, "My Religion is Love") so to think, I've been fasting a couple times a week, I've increased my prayers and meditations, I've been trying my best to be nice and not "go off" no matter how I am provoked or treated and to be helpful in anyway I can. So to go into a space with multiple people with similar energy, I was certain. I'd be in another realm and I didn't think I could handle it. On Thursday evening on my way home from an event I did not like the space that I was in, as I prepared for bed I said to myself "I need a 'Kamille Appreciation Weekend'", I typically have a day and I do whatever I choose FOR/BY myself to ensure I always feel appreciated and cherished regardless of who does it for me or not. I believe that although I am single I still deserve romance, love, respect and admiration; so who better to show and receive that from me besides me? And before I knew it the Universe conspired to give me exactly what I'd asked for. The following was my response to @johnsonkelsey:
"to feel something and truly know the space it's coming from is divine. I feel as if today is absolutely blissful 💜"
I am still in awe.
"Chasing A Ghost"
Over the past few months I've had various conversations with two guys I've had relationships with. One person expressed to me while disagreeing on our level of interaction, he'd simply find "another girl like" me, but without all of MY bullshit. I wished him luck on his task and thought to myself "if he thought I frustrate him, he's surely jumping out of the frying pan into the fire". The other gentleman and I have a better friendship overall, the difference between the two comes from one person understanding and accepting my boundaries while the other refused. So, the friend and I have various conversations regarding his "love life", he often expresses the type of relationship he'd prefer and the hilarious part is, each time he describes me and/or the relationship we had many moons ago. Sometimes I can see or hear the torment this causes, and I attempt to create a safe distance. I then had a moment of introspection and realized how many times a situation has ended and they always try to come back. I recall a conversation with my ex, he'd decided that he wanted to "see other people", to his surprise I encouraged it. I told him to "go, be, do whatever you feel will bring you happiness; however don't expect me to sit around waiting". He went and we remained friends, then he realized the grass wasn't greener and wanted to come back. It's as if they're always chasing my ghost.
Most never admit that they've never met a woman like me, they often like to pretend as if I'm no different than the next, but we all know how untrue that is. One guy actually said that my mouth is what he loves and hates the most. I'm a Capricorn (research us or simply follow .@HeartCapricorn on twitter to understand what that means) I say what I feel (even if it takes a while to build up the strength), I mean what I say, once my mind is made up there's no changing it. I always think of the torment that must create. The fact that all the reasons they love me are the exact reasons they find to hate me. LMAO that shit is crazy!
After a conversation with a friend which lead to a discussion with my therapist, they both feel as if its time for me to date. A task I truly dislike, however if I'm going to move forward with my life I must do (some of the) things which make me uncomfortable. So I promised my therapist that I would "try my best", that's all I can do and she accepted. Once it's clear, I discuss this with the friend who initially brought it up. I expressed what I wanted my dating life to look like as well as my dedication to #TeamAbstinence. I expressed my dislike and discomfort when I am in the company of men and the level of sexual energy they direct towards me becomes offensive. Often times they don't express it or try to act upon it, but I can sense when the thoughts change and the energy is contaminated. I expressed how I understand people have certain desires and that's human; however it's a basic level when you allow that energy to consume you. I often direct them to Chapter 11 of "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill which teaches on the skill of transmutation of sexual energy. Funny thing is they always refuse to learn about it. So back to my conversation, I was then told that I am being unrealistic and that men will always be a certain way and I basically need to learn to accept and deal with it. O_o no ma'am!
I will admit I was annoyed and irritated which is why I try not to have these conversations with women. They somehow think that my values are outdated, and that's fine. The irritation comes when they insist that my desires are "wrong" and "unattainable" however the relationship or style of dating they entertain does not appeal to me, I agree to disagree yet find my standards attacked. Rather than express much of my annoyance I decided to meditate and pray about the promise I'd made to myself and my therapist and left it all to God.
Not even three days later while (literally) running an errand I meet someone. He stops me and we chat briefly before exchanging numbers. I continue on my run and before I returned home he'd already asked me out. Since this is all new to me I made a few calls to see how this stuff works, well only one person answered and he gave his usual advice. He instructed me that "the times are different" and I should do "whatever" I wanted because guys don't judge if you sleep with them on the first date blah blah blah. The plan was he'd cook and provide the wine (of my choice) and I'd bring a movie, simple enough. I arrive and he's a complete gentleman, the energy was good and no crazy talk about sex or anything else inappropriate. We have many things in common and his dog and I fell in love. So as the time goes by I realize I should be leaving soon, when I informed him and he requested that I stay I honestly didn't want to leave, I enjoyed his company that much and for those who of you who don't know me personally, to say that's major would be an understatement. I figured this was the appropriate time to disclose my commitment to abstinence so it would be clear if I stayed it wasn't for anything sexual and if that wasn't accepted then it was absolutely time to call it a night.
He respected my boundaries and we stayed up to some ridiculous hour talking about everything. We slept (him in pj's and me in my pants and a shirt he provided), the morning I was greeted with the warmest hello and told to relax and make myself comfortable. I showered, got dressed then we listened to random music as he cooked breakfast, at one point I found myself lost in a gospel song and when I opened my eyes I realized he was observing me from the kitchen, he asked "you were meditating?" and I replied with a simple "yes". He prepared a beautiful breakfast and this time he asked me to lead the prayer as he had done with dinner. I don't know why I get nervous to pray in front of people, but it's slowly getting easier. Now we're watching the movie "Boomerang" and after some scene with Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens he decides to ask me "why do women lead men on knowing they want sex just as bad as men do?" This caught me off guard however I could tell it wasn't an attack against me so I remained cool and engaged in the conversation. I expressed to him how I agree, it's unfortunate that women play such games however I am not one of those women. We've all heard the "well I don't usually..." next thing you know she's "busting it wide open", well that's not me. I expressed my neurosis regarding casual sex and it's extremely clear that's not for me, for various reasons. It seems he understood by the end of our conversation that this wasn't an act, and I made sure to tell him. Although some women claim to be a certain way, I am actually committed to the lifestyle that I've chosen. People don't have to agree, but they must accept and respect my boundaries.
Since I left that morning we've had several conversations and for the most part he's the same. One thing that I felt great about, was the fact that even if he had flipped the script on me, I still had my dignity and self-respect. There was no "walk of shame", because there was no shameful behavior. I read my bible (app) as I normally would, I shared what I read and we discussed. I prayed, meditated and went on about my day.
It wasn't until yesterday, I realized that I too am chasing a ghost. The ghost of my first love, he was everything that I need, want and desire in a man. As I've expressed in the posts dedicated to him (see "My First Love" and "Happy Birthday Terrance") our friendship was pure, nonsexual and enlightening from the day we met until the day he died. I believe that type of love and friendship will find me again. Until then I'll continue my journey and meet cool people along the way. As with anything, those who can't handle it will remove themselves and make room for only what I want in my life. That's the beauty of the law of attraction and I am blessed with a collage of conversations, memories and interactions to draw from.
Most never admit that they've never met a woman like me, they often like to pretend as if I'm no different than the next, but we all know how untrue that is. One guy actually said that my mouth is what he loves and hates the most. I'm a Capricorn (research us or simply follow .@HeartCapricorn on twitter to understand what that means) I say what I feel (even if it takes a while to build up the strength), I mean what I say, once my mind is made up there's no changing it. I always think of the torment that must create. The fact that all the reasons they love me are the exact reasons they find to hate me. LMAO that shit is crazy!
After a conversation with a friend which lead to a discussion with my therapist, they both feel as if its time for me to date. A task I truly dislike, however if I'm going to move forward with my life I must do (some of the) things which make me uncomfortable. So I promised my therapist that I would "try my best", that's all I can do and she accepted. Once it's clear, I discuss this with the friend who initially brought it up. I expressed what I wanted my dating life to look like as well as my dedication to #TeamAbstinence. I expressed my dislike and discomfort when I am in the company of men and the level of sexual energy they direct towards me becomes offensive. Often times they don't express it or try to act upon it, but I can sense when the thoughts change and the energy is contaminated. I expressed how I understand people have certain desires and that's human; however it's a basic level when you allow that energy to consume you. I often direct them to Chapter 11 of "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill which teaches on the skill of transmutation of sexual energy. Funny thing is they always refuse to learn about it. So back to my conversation, I was then told that I am being unrealistic and that men will always be a certain way and I basically need to learn to accept and deal with it. O_o no ma'am!
I will admit I was annoyed and irritated which is why I try not to have these conversations with women. They somehow think that my values are outdated, and that's fine. The irritation comes when they insist that my desires are "wrong" and "unattainable" however the relationship or style of dating they entertain does not appeal to me, I agree to disagree yet find my standards attacked. Rather than express much of my annoyance I decided to meditate and pray about the promise I'd made to myself and my therapist and left it all to God.
Not even three days later while (literally) running an errand I meet someone. He stops me and we chat briefly before exchanging numbers. I continue on my run and before I returned home he'd already asked me out. Since this is all new to me I made a few calls to see how this stuff works, well only one person answered and he gave his usual advice. He instructed me that "the times are different" and I should do "whatever" I wanted because guys don't judge if you sleep with them on the first date blah blah blah. The plan was he'd cook and provide the wine (of my choice) and I'd bring a movie, simple enough. I arrive and he's a complete gentleman, the energy was good and no crazy talk about sex or anything else inappropriate. We have many things in common and his dog and I fell in love. So as the time goes by I realize I should be leaving soon, when I informed him and he requested that I stay I honestly didn't want to leave, I enjoyed his company that much and for those who of you who don't know me personally, to say that's major would be an understatement. I figured this was the appropriate time to disclose my commitment to abstinence so it would be clear if I stayed it wasn't for anything sexual and if that wasn't accepted then it was absolutely time to call it a night.
He respected my boundaries and we stayed up to some ridiculous hour talking about everything. We slept (him in pj's and me in my pants and a shirt he provided), the morning I was greeted with the warmest hello and told to relax and make myself comfortable. I showered, got dressed then we listened to random music as he cooked breakfast, at one point I found myself lost in a gospel song and when I opened my eyes I realized he was observing me from the kitchen, he asked "you were meditating?" and I replied with a simple "yes". He prepared a beautiful breakfast and this time he asked me to lead the prayer as he had done with dinner. I don't know why I get nervous to pray in front of people, but it's slowly getting easier. Now we're watching the movie "Boomerang" and after some scene with Eddie Murphy and Robin Givens he decides to ask me "why do women lead men on knowing they want sex just as bad as men do?" This caught me off guard however I could tell it wasn't an attack against me so I remained cool and engaged in the conversation. I expressed to him how I agree, it's unfortunate that women play such games however I am not one of those women. We've all heard the "well I don't usually..." next thing you know she's "busting it wide open", well that's not me. I expressed my neurosis regarding casual sex and it's extremely clear that's not for me, for various reasons. It seems he understood by the end of our conversation that this wasn't an act, and I made sure to tell him. Although some women claim to be a certain way, I am actually committed to the lifestyle that I've chosen. People don't have to agree, but they must accept and respect my boundaries.
Since I left that morning we've had several conversations and for the most part he's the same. One thing that I felt great about, was the fact that even if he had flipped the script on me, I still had my dignity and self-respect. There was no "walk of shame", because there was no shameful behavior. I read my bible (app) as I normally would, I shared what I read and we discussed. I prayed, meditated and went on about my day.
It wasn't until yesterday, I realized that I too am chasing a ghost. The ghost of my first love, he was everything that I need, want and desire in a man. As I've expressed in the posts dedicated to him (see "My First Love" and "Happy Birthday Terrance") our friendship was pure, nonsexual and enlightening from the day we met until the day he died. I believe that type of love and friendship will find me again. Until then I'll continue my journey and meet cool people along the way. As with anything, those who can't handle it will remove themselves and make room for only what I want in my life. That's the beauty of the law of attraction and I am blessed with a collage of conversations, memories and interactions to draw from.
From My Journal: 7/28/2010
Last night I had a thought: "loving myself allows me to love you".
When I realized what that really means I began to imagine, IF I truly loved myself, the way we are supposed to, how much easier it would be to love another? For example: how much baggage could we eliminate from our relationships?
Love casts out fear (doubt, insecurity, etc.) therefore "IF" there is (pure) love these other things couldn't/ wouldn't be able to exist. With that being said; I will strive a bit harder to love me! I will fall IN love with Kamille, which will allow me to love others more freely, consistently and unconditionally.
When I realized what that really means I began to imagine, IF I truly loved myself, the way we are supposed to, how much easier it would be to love another? For example: how much baggage could we eliminate from our relationships?
Love casts out fear (doubt, insecurity, etc.) therefore "IF" there is (pure) love these other things couldn't/ wouldn't be able to exist. With that being said; I will strive a bit harder to love me! I will fall IN love with Kamille, which will allow me to love others more freely, consistently and unconditionally.
Random- Morning Thoughts
The quote "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" popped in my head several times yesterday. So when it came to mind today, it was followed by a thought of my own: the teacher was there all along, the student was just unwilling or unprepared to see.
I remember a particular area in my life, I've mentioned various degrees in several posts about how I refused to take the relationship advise of a friend when it came to a certain person. My friend would tell me to say or do things and I'd respond "I'm not doing that!" or "I'm not saying that!"; not because I disagreed with her instruction, but because I was unwilling to be vulnerable along with the fear of rejection. Finally, I don't recall what triggered the switch, but I realized how much time I'd lost and how my interaction with this person had grown worse over time. I was able to admit the percentage contributed by me so I can't just chalk it up to "he's crazy" (although he is; yet so am I lmao) or some other dismissive attack to make me the victim in the situation.
I recall many moons ago when I was in love with the designer, Coach. I'd even gone as far as to create my username at the time "MsCoach4Life" or something like that lol. It was so funny to me how many guys would send messages with a spin on it as if I was an actual coach rather then the name would be for handbags and shoes. They'd say "Put Me In Coach, I'm Ready To Play" So as I'm sitting in the bleachers at track practice I'm cheering for the runners and offering quick course corrections so they are able to improve their form. Although you can see a distinct difference between the seasoned runners and the newbies, they still need coaching and guidance at whatever level their on. Otherwise how will they ever improve?
A few times I felt as if I couldn't sit still or I felt boredom creeping in; which is weird for me because I'm rarely ever bored. So in those moments, I ran. At one point there was a little boy in front of me who attempted to jump over a puddle as if it were a hurdle, I wasn't too far behind him and already thought to do that before seeing him. I've made it a practice while running on the street to jump over the squares with writing, as if I am jumping over hurdles. Soon after I developed that practice I began to say that in times of distress, "it's just a hurdle, you got this" and each hurdle/challenge became a bit easier to deal with (for the most part). So as the boy and I both failed to complete our hurdle, I giggled and let him know that I'd done the same, he was slightly in front of me so he hadn't witnessed my attempt. I then waved and passed them on my run, without a word they decided to challenge me. My fellow hurdle jumper fell behind, I decided to slow down to a jog then began walking; once I did that I was able to hear him and a friend discussing my victory. The friend made sure to tell him about being beaten by a girl and how he should try again. Finally I see them approaching and since I already had the lead I continued to walk in order to make it a fair race. Once he's slightly ahead of me I began to run again, as I passed my friend again I had the thought to slow down to his pace. I then told him to push through and to keep his knees up, once he did that he began to surpass me. He won the race, fairly and I made sure to tell him so.
Once I finally returned to the bleachers I continued to cheer for the kids and whenever I saw my hurdle jumping friend I noticed his form had improved. I was proud of him, and the others out there giving it their best or at least trying. I guess that's why I've developed this love for kids, because they are coachable! It's funny, as I typed that I thought of something Jay Z said in "Lost One" -"I heard motherf***ers sayin they made Hov, Made Hov?, Okay so make another Hov"- The thought flowed to the word Duplication; I believe children are actually looking for examples so when they have a coach, trainer, parent, etc. to look up to they begin to duplicate the behavior. This also occurs when they have poor role models or when parents refuse to take the authority and actually parent their children (you know when the kids run the house smh (this leads me to another thought which I will gather and post when the time comes). So imagine if they have an example of success along with the guidance to actually succeed. The successful person simply duplicated themselves. Simple enough, right? Well, here's the thing, the person has to be coachable, they have to be willing to do what's necessary even when they don't feel like it. The thing that happens as we get older, is we begin to resist change, although whatever we're complaining about it's working, it's far better (in theory) to remain comfortable rather than journey into the unknown of change. We don't listen or believe that someone may actually know what they're talking about. Or believe that someone may actually have your best interest in mind and be able to provide objective advise to assist you to another level or a new perspective.
See this is what insomnia does to me -insert slight chuckle here- I really intended to just type that first little thought then as I began to type these other words began to take form. As I sit in the randomness of my morning and My Loves are up and getting ready for school, My #1 comes to me and asks what I'm doing, I explain, he then asks how I learned to type so fast and I explained that I took a typing class in Junior High School and I type a lot since then. So what comes next? He wants me to teach him to type, and guess what? I am going to relocate a website that I found a while back which does free online typing courses, the same as I took back in the day. Imagine the advantage he'll have by having the ability to type professionally in Elementary School #BossShit
It started with a thought...
Sometimes the King is a Woman
I believe everyone who knows me knows I am absolutely into fairytales. I feel in my being that I've been Royalty many times before, which often creates friction as I've experienced something altogether different at various times in this life. I recall several times when faced with challenges, I'd say to myself, "this has got to be a parallel Universe". I just knew things were meant to be different and I had to find the path which lead to it. I love my Dragons! They're often the ones who send smoke signals if necessary to find me. They figure out a way to contact me even when it takes effort and is inconvenient. And for that I appreciate them. I acknowledge the moat which surrounds My Castle, I know I may seem distant at times, however I pray that you consider the fact that introspection is necessary; trouble comes when that shifts into isolation. Which is where My Knights in Shining Armor come in, they are supposed to be so in tuned with me that they know when to step back and when to come to my rescue.
Since I'm still preparing for My King, I realize, at times I must be my own King! So I put on My Armor and get on My Horse and fight the battles WITH my Army. From there the thought that comes to mind is: "If I perish, I perish" (see, Esther)
iPray (Morning Meditation)
It's not my place to judge, I'm only here to #Love. I accept you as you are, even when I don't condone what you do. #iPray for the same #Mercy #Grace #Empathy #LoveUnconditional
Eight Redemptive Names of God
JEHOVAH-JIREH - "The Lord our provider" - This is also the name Abraham gave to the place
where the Lord provided a sacrifice in place of Isaac. (Gen. 22:14).
JEHOVAH-NISSI -"Our banner, a banner of
love and protection" - Also the name Moses gave to the altar he built after defeating the
Amalekites (Ex. 17:15).
JEHOVAH-SHALOM -"Our perfect peace" - Also the name Gideon gave to
the altar he built at Ophrah (Judges 6:24)
JEHOVAH-TSID-KENU -"The Lord is our righteousness" - The name is applied to
a future Davidic king who would lead his people to do what is right and thus
bring peace (Jeremiah 23:6) and to
the restored city of Jerusalem (Jeremiah
33:16). The name is possibly a play on the name of Zedekiah
("Righteous [is] the Lord") who reigned from 597 to 587 B.C.
JEHOVAH-SHAMMAH -"The One Who is with us everywhere for He is Omnipresent"
- The Jerusalem of Ezekiel's vision (see
Ezekiel 48:35 margin) was known by this name. Compare text at Isaiah 60:19-20 and Revelation 21:3.
JEHOVAH-SABAOTH -"The Lord of Hosts, our
Protector." C.H.
Spurgeon said this about the phrase "The Lord of Hosts: The Lord
rules the angels, the stars, the elements, and all the hosts of Heaven; and the
Heaven of heavens is under His sway... [the Lord] is on our side -- our august
Ally; woe unto those who fight against Him, for they shall flee like smoke
before the wind when He gives the word to scatter them." See text at Psalm 46:7.
JEHOVAH-RAAH -"Our Shepherd Who tenderly
leads us, loves us and will keep us safe." - the famous Psalm 23 tells us that "The Lord is
our Shepherd and we shall not want...." Being illustrated as a shepherd
implies a relationship with His sheep (His believers). The term shepherd
appears approximately 80 times in the Scriptures, denotating meanings of:
feeder, keeper, companion, friend, pastor and herdsman.
JEHOVAH RAPHA – -"I
am the Lord Your Physician or I am the Lord Your Healer - this name especially was
a Name God prophetically spoke about Himself, not one that someone gave Him. Exodus 15:26.
|
Up, up & away
Sometimes I'm puzzled by the way my mind works, I remember being bored in school once I no longer felt challenged. I tried it their way and nothing seemed to work. So I spent my time at the beach or on some type of adventure exploring the city. I recall as I got older I no longer dreamt of an occupation, I was just getting by from one day to the next without a care or thought of the details which would make up my future.
I'd eventually stop going to all my classes once it was apparent my guidance counselor was never available when I requested appointments. I tried going to Saturday school to get the necessary credits and that didn't last long, I then transferred schools and made an effort to do better. Well that didn't work either, as a last resort I decided to skip the day shift and enroll in Adult School. Eventually one of the teachers pulled me aside and asked what I was doing there, I made the long story short without a thought of what his response would be. After a brief silence, he said "you're too smart for this, why don't you just start College?" he then explained that I could simply take the necessary tests and upon evaluation the school would accept me. So that's what I did.
As I made new friends and began to plan my future I thought to myself, "why hadn't anyone told me this before?" Things are flowing nicely, then life happens so I take a break. During this time I get a call from the schools job placement office, I was offered a position with the requirement to take at least 3 or 6 units, I forget the exact number. The lady had always been nice to me so I figured I'd do it since she wanted my help in a particular department. I choose to take a few Child Development classes since I found myself with a new baby at the time.
I recall an experiment the instructor had us do called "Baby Day". The class was asked to bring a child and we'd observe the kids interacting with one another as well as with the adults in the room. Initially I had my reservations as I am extremely neurotic and overprotective when it comes to who and what my son is exposed to. I am getting better however it is not always easy. I talked my BFF at the time into accompanying us in case I felt a threat or danger, I'm such a "Mama Bear". So we go and my Baby Bear steals the show, everyone was impressed with his manners, awareness and interaction with others. Shortly after this experience my instructor pulled me aside and told me, I should change my major to Child Psychology. My response was, "I don't like kids.", I continued to explain, "I like mine; but #Dassit" she asked me to think about it and perhaps I'd reconsider, I agreed, but my decision didn't change.
Somehow, over time my feelings towards kids changed. I was finally in a space to admit, I understood them and dare I say, I even like them. I actually prefer them over adults and pets. I've always made sure to take an interest in what my son likes, dislikes, the shows he chooses, the music he listens to, you name it. I understand how you can figure out what your child is going through or feeling based on what's in heavy rotation (this actually applies to anyone).
I laugh at myself, because at times I have the strangest word associations that play in my head. So as I lay (or is it lie?) either way, I'm stuck in bed battling THE longest migraine EVER -insert sad face- and as I get up to close my blinds and the sky is some blah gray hue; I think to myself "I need Blue Skies & Rainbows, oh, and a Spa Day" which brought to my memory a scene from the movie "Up" where the chubby Boy Scout is floating in the air with a bunch of balloons. So now the hook to that Lil' Wayne song starts playing in my head "Up up and away, up up and away. Man I'm so high, I come down in a couple of days". I then realize I want to see this movie and I remember I agreed to watch my little cousins for a day. The excitement begins, now I ponder the thought, perhaps this is why I'm stuck in bed today. To meditate on what the babies need from me or maybe, what I need from them. We speak the same language, I am "cousin" or "auntie", but their my #IndigoChildren. I get excited, because they are so pure in spirit, creative, brilliant and fun. For someone, like myself who never learned how to relax, they provide this carefree space that drives anxiety and stress far from me.
I am amazed at the times I've thought a prayer and shortly after one of the kids came to give me a hug or tell me how much they love me. They tell the best stories and they have the most questions, especially when I mention being a #Princess or #Mermaid. I won't go down the road of regret, however I find it interesting that my instructor saw that in me years before I had a clue.
lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com
I'd eventually stop going to all my classes once it was apparent my guidance counselor was never available when I requested appointments. I tried going to Saturday school to get the necessary credits and that didn't last long, I then transferred schools and made an effort to do better. Well that didn't work either, as a last resort I decided to skip the day shift and enroll in Adult School. Eventually one of the teachers pulled me aside and asked what I was doing there, I made the long story short without a thought of what his response would be. After a brief silence, he said "you're too smart for this, why don't you just start College?" he then explained that I could simply take the necessary tests and upon evaluation the school would accept me. So that's what I did.
As I made new friends and began to plan my future I thought to myself, "why hadn't anyone told me this before?" Things are flowing nicely, then life happens so I take a break. During this time I get a call from the schools job placement office, I was offered a position with the requirement to take at least 3 or 6 units, I forget the exact number. The lady had always been nice to me so I figured I'd do it since she wanted my help in a particular department. I choose to take a few Child Development classes since I found myself with a new baby at the time.
I recall an experiment the instructor had us do called "Baby Day". The class was asked to bring a child and we'd observe the kids interacting with one another as well as with the adults in the room. Initially I had my reservations as I am extremely neurotic and overprotective when it comes to who and what my son is exposed to. I am getting better however it is not always easy. I talked my BFF at the time into accompanying us in case I felt a threat or danger, I'm such a "Mama Bear". So we go and my Baby Bear steals the show, everyone was impressed with his manners, awareness and interaction with others. Shortly after this experience my instructor pulled me aside and told me, I should change my major to Child Psychology. My response was, "I don't like kids.", I continued to explain, "I like mine; but #Dassit" she asked me to think about it and perhaps I'd reconsider, I agreed, but my decision didn't change.
Somehow, over time my feelings towards kids changed. I was finally in a space to admit, I understood them and dare I say, I even like them. I actually prefer them over adults and pets. I've always made sure to take an interest in what my son likes, dislikes, the shows he chooses, the music he listens to, you name it. I understand how you can figure out what your child is going through or feeling based on what's in heavy rotation (this actually applies to anyone).
I laugh at myself, because at times I have the strangest word associations that play in my head. So as I lay (or is it lie?) either way, I'm stuck in bed battling THE longest migraine EVER -insert sad face- and as I get up to close my blinds and the sky is some blah gray hue; I think to myself "I need Blue Skies & Rainbows, oh, and a Spa Day" which brought to my memory a scene from the movie "Up" where the chubby Boy Scout is floating in the air with a bunch of balloons. So now the hook to that Lil' Wayne song starts playing in my head "Up up and away, up up and away. Man I'm so high, I come down in a couple of days". I then realize I want to see this movie and I remember I agreed to watch my little cousins for a day. The excitement begins, now I ponder the thought, perhaps this is why I'm stuck in bed today. To meditate on what the babies need from me or maybe, what I need from them. We speak the same language, I am "cousin" or "auntie", but their my #IndigoChildren. I get excited, because they are so pure in spirit, creative, brilliant and fun. For someone, like myself who never learned how to relax, they provide this carefree space that drives anxiety and stress far from me.
I am amazed at the times I've thought a prayer and shortly after one of the kids came to give me a hug or tell me how much they love me. They tell the best stories and they have the most questions, especially when I mention being a #Princess or #Mermaid. I won't go down the road of regret, however I find it interesting that my instructor saw that in me years before I had a clue.
lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com
Sister Love
I used to wish I had a sister, the catch was: only if we were twins, so she'd understand me. Clearly that isn't the case since I identify myself as an only child. Funny, since that's not completely the case either, but I won't even bother going into that. Anywho... Over time I've established various relationships with women of all ages and nationalities. I recall years ago, I attended a Gospel Brunch at The House of Blues and as a friend and I dined between sets, we struck up a conversation with a Caucasian woman. We laughed, drank, talked and at one point she addressed us as "sister". I could tell she was a bit uncomfortable as she did not know if we would accept her as our sister. We let her know, that her offer was accepted and we did identify with her as our "sister", the sudden heaviness quickly evaporated from the air and we continued our fellowship. Throughout the years I've become more supportive of Women in Business. Perhaps it begun once I found myself with my name on a lease, in the beginning it was extremely hard to accept that I was solely responsible for myself. I began to admire those women who took it upon themselves to find their path and run with it.
I find over the years the dynamic I have with women has changed, especially in a Professional environment. The sad part about it is, men always want me to succeed when it comes to work. Over the year's my various bosses saw my gifts/talents/skills and how I'd benefit the operation, yet the women always considered me a threat. However, whenever I had a female supervisor they always failed to train me properly or had an issue with my attitude or some other petty issue to cause disharmony. It wasn't until I was a few sessions into therapy that I'd finally accepted the thought that my greatest opposition has always been with another women, to the point it created a disorder (anxiety) and various other issues. I believe apart of the reason I became overwhelmed by the situation is the fact; I try to go out of my way to support another woman. No matter what the venture, I at least try to check it out and support if they truly believe in what they are doing. I believe if someone shows themselves to deserve recognition it should be given, I mean, it's one thing for (some) men to disregard us, but it's a totally different beast when we do it amongst ourselves.
I'm not saying that we all need to be friends and skip off into the Sunset, however I am suggesting that we treat one another with honor, loyalty and respect. I believe once we find peace within we will see the change our collective energy offers to the Universe.
The Danger of Denial
I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed, I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way. So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested. I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.
Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words. I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewhat depressed and it is a battle that I must win. The trouble with denial is, it hinders growth. The moment you acknowledge a weaknes the quicker you can decide if you will overcome it or not.
I choose to win, I hope you choose the same.
It was a GOOD day!
I will admit, it was extremely hard to get out of bed. I set my alarm and surprisingly for the first time in days I actually woke up before it went off. Normally, I just don't hear it, which is strange since that's typically not an issue or me. So I begin with prayer and meditation (see, Hello, Good Morning!) then I am reminded that I have a therapy appointment. It was truly a struggle to leave my bed for several reasons: I was comfortable, I have a cold or sinus whatever and a migraine that I've been fighting since Wednesday. That justifies missing my appointment, right? WRONG! I have a thought, "Obedience is better than Sacrifice" so I drag myself out of bed and try to pull myself together so I look somewhat presentable. I realize that it's my own fault if I am late for my appointment, so at some point I say a quick prayer requesting to get there on time or at maximum 10 minutes late. I hate being late, and the fact that to me it comes across as a sign of disrespect as if that person's time isn't as valuable as yours. Usually when I know I'm going to be late, I dress accordingly so I can run to the office. However due to my cold and the fact that I haven't done laundry, it's apparent I'd need to forgo the jacket and jump into my Uggs. I still ran, but not as much as I'd liked... Anyway...
I arrive at my location and decide to stop at the store next door for a smoothie (Naked, Red Machine) since I hadn't eaten breakfast and I could feel the effects. I have a quick chat with the Security guy who is the coolest then hop in the elevator. As I walk towards the door I pray for the words in which I am supposed to express, I'd stopped rehearsing my conversations long ago. It's funny, I love when the door to the office is closed, I feel as if I am walking into Heaven and giving my requests to God's assistant. I get to the office and look at the clock on the wall which says 10:15am, I remember the clock is typically 5 minutes fast so I check my cell to verify, it's actually 10:11am which was basically what I prayed for. My therapist is happy to see me, she knows my patterns, I'm normally on time with very few missed appointments so when she said that she was worried I wouldn't make it today, I believed her. What I love about her is, I can tell she actually cares; I feel in my being that she thinks about me outside of our one hour weekly encounter.
I express my concerns to her regarding returning to work, as well as how I felt about a couple interactions this past weekend and how it triggered various reactions in me. She gave me an exercise which I will try then we exchanged words regarding something she'd shared with me. Once I left her office I checked Facebook and saw a post from Joyce Meyers stating: Prayer for today: God, what can I do for YOU today?, which I "liked". As I began walking towards my car I was stopped by an elderly lady, I don't know which nationality. Clearly, we don't speak the same language, however I can make out that she wants to go to "3" (my favorite number by the way) so I ask if she's saying she wants to go to "3rd Street", I believe she says yes by her body language. So I walk with her, as I switched to her pace I realized I was a bit frazzled and by slowing my body down I'd began to relax. The lady speaks very little English so it's a bit difficult as she motions different directions to me. I believe she's saying she wants to eat, however I couldn't figure out if she was saying that she was meeting people for lunch, she was hungry or something else. I just focused on taking her to 3rd Street. She held up 3 fingers various times along our journey so I was sure that's what she wanted. The little English she knew she made sure to say "Thank you", "You're a nice person" and "I'm sorry" at times when she thought she was inconveniencing me. I assured her that she did not need to apologize and I welcomed her each time she said Thank you. Then I could tell she was trying to offer to buy me lunch for helping her and I declined, I told her "It was my pleasure". As we approached 3rd Street she began to say "Chinatown" and I began to look for people of that nationality as we walked down the streets. I couldn't find anyone however I saw a bus which indicated that it travelled through/to Chinatown so I pointed and informed her. I waited with her until she got onto the bus and I let the driver know that she wanted to go to Chinatown. As I walked away I prayed that I'd done the right thing and the lady reached her destination safely. I then wished I could speak various languages for such a time as this...
Once I arrived home I understood that I needed to rest, even though I wanted to do so many other things, I listened to my body. Once I awakened and completed various tasks I realized I hadn't taken care of one important business matter. I send a text to ensure the person I needed to meet with was in the office, once she responded and confirmed she was, I informed her I'd be on my way and checked if it were okay. She said yes so I grabbed the necessary documents and was on my way. Once I arrive at her office I see her daughter as well as another young lady, which I assumed was a friend from school. I conducted my business and realized the lady I'd gone to visit was swamped with work and had to attempt to entertain her daughter and the friend at the same damn time. So I struck up a conversation with the children who were drawing pictures, somehow either the little girl or I mentioned Mermaids and the conversation took a turn. We all (the 2 children and I) LOVE Mermaids, so the daughter invites me to draw with them, I accept and began doodling, the daughter then says to me that she's writing a book so I tell her "I'll make the cover for you", and she agrees. Various times the daughter disrupts her mother because she's ready to go home. I will admit, at times it's hard for me to watch people interact with their children, especially when there is a breakdown. I sat by and struck up a conversation with the friend so she wouldn't know the details of the daughter's chastisement. Once the daughter returned I took control of the situation and it eventually allowed the mother to complete her work and the daughter to bond with me (and vice versa). At times during our conversations I'd remembered various Spanish words I'd learned over the years and the daughter was a bit shocked as she asked (in English) if I understood Spanish and I replied "poquito" we exchanged a few more words this way then continued coloring.
I ended my evening with meditation and prayer on my balcony and as I replayed the day in my head I had a thought about "The Tower of Babel". I then had an epiphany regarding language and understood some things:
- Sometimes we must take the time to learn someone else's language in order to communicate with them properly; this is the only way to accomplish the common goal.
- Everyone aint for Everybody... Sometimes you may do your best to learn someone's language and there's still a breakdown; if that is the case, it's your job to identify their language and attempt to learn it. That is, if you care to establish a connection, otherwise, cut your loses and move forward
- Be honest about the reason(s) you are holding on or letting go!- If you are letting go because you feel in your soul that it's time to let this person go, so be it. However, if you want to let that person go because YOU dont want to put forth the effort or it's uncomfortable that's something totally different.
- If you are doing your very best to learn someone's language and they don't offer any insight or attempt to teach you how to communicate with them, it's because they aren't interested. Pray for them and move on.
- First understand then seek to be understood
It completely goes hand in a hand with the events of my life in this moment, the message at Morning Worship this past Sunday and various thought's have had for the past few weeks. In my mind I understand that it all makes sense. So now when I get the word to do something I normally wouldn't I just laugh and say "okay", I find it's getting much easier and more rewarding since I've made that one simple change. Just say "Yes, Lord" and watch things shift.
Hello, Good Morning!
I love the morning, it's dawn when the city is still silent. That's usually the moment I am aware that I am awake, I have my talk with God and/or lay in a space of meditation; the day begins in peace. There's something about the presence of God that feels like pure Love.
I remember when I first truly acknowledged and began to seek a relationship with The Creator. I was 19 years old, heartbroken, scared and pregnant. Everyone approached me with their opinion on what my next step should be and I knew that wasn't my path. However, I had no clue how or why, I then realized; I can no longer live my life without the one who created it. For the first time since I was a child, I began to study my Bible and cry out to God to "order my steps" and that's exactly what happened.
Perhaps I'll finish this story one day, in this moment I just wanted to share my experience. It's one thing to know that "God is everywhere", but it's something magical when you are able to feel His presence where you are. I am grateful, hopeful of all the possibilities and opportunity today has for me and above all I am starting to believe something new.
I am starting to believe, maybe when you think your heart is broken; it's actually opening to allow God to come in.
I remember when I first truly acknowledged and began to seek a relationship with The Creator. I was 19 years old, heartbroken, scared and pregnant. Everyone approached me with their opinion on what my next step should be and I knew that wasn't my path. However, I had no clue how or why, I then realized; I can no longer live my life without the one who created it. For the first time since I was a child, I began to study my Bible and cry out to God to "order my steps" and that's exactly what happened.
Perhaps I'll finish this story one day, in this moment I just wanted to share my experience. It's one thing to know that "God is everywhere", but it's something magical when you are able to feel His presence where you are. I am grateful, hopeful of all the possibilities and opportunity today has for me and above all I am starting to believe something new.
I am starting to believe, maybe when you think your heart is broken; it's actually opening to allow God to come in.
No "Pity Parties" Allowed
If you've ever dealt with a situation or circumstance mostly out of your control it is inevitable that you will experience some level of frustration, stress and/or annoyance. You will encounter "representatives" who are either incompetent, inefficient or both. All of which I have a very low patience for (insert heavy sigh here). Especially when people act as if they are doing you a favor by half ass doing their job, it amazes me how often I've come across this experience since the events leading up to the initial anxiety attack in September 2012.
I've encountered the most unprofessional company I think I've ever experienced in my life, the unhelpful gentleman did not acknowledge my request to speak with a supervisor however continued to repeat information that I already advised him of when I initially requested to speak with higher management. As he was made aware, although I appreciate his efforts, I need to speak with someone with the authority to resolve my issue. I don't know if he was upset by my tone at this point or if his ego was bruised as it was apparent he had no authority to do much of anything and continuing to speak with him was adding to my frustration. So what does he do? He hangs up in my face -woos ah- I count to 5 and call on Jesus as I know "The Bitch" that's been begging me (from within) to get involved was dying to take over. But as I have chosen to conduct myself better and be myself, well, my core self, I know that is not the way I would like to handle this situation. So I call again and I actually get a supervisor on the line. The matter is resolved, however not to my complete satisfaction, so I know this was just another phase and more was to come.
As I continued to deal with these people my stress, anxiety, tears and migraines worsened. So the information I was provided on Friday (see, Building My Fairytale, One Brick at a Time) miraculously changed by Monday and I am given a completely different story on Wednesday. As I've tried to wean myself off of the prescription medications and take control of my body, I realized in this entire fight my body has begun to weaken, so now after over 2 years without a cold or flu, I can feel it coming on. As I sat on my bed and the tears began to fall I refused to join the pity party that was trying to invade my space. So instead I thought of how to redecorate my room to include my "home office" and the color I should paint that area as well as motivational quotes which would shift my energy onto things I can absolutely control.
As simple as it would be to call a few select people and "beg" or "pray" that they'd come to my rescue, I know it is not the solution. As I've said before in earlier posts, while some many people are praying others are PREYING and I refuse to allow myself to get caught up in that trap on top of everything else. So I take another deep breath, pray for guidance, pop this last anxiety pill that I've been holding onto for about 2 months and now I am expecting to see a shift. I am fully aware of my energy and the power of Him who holds my faith. I am not believing in any person, place or thing to sustain me. More importantly, I am aware of how these types of hurdles/ obstacles slide in to test you, especially when time is of the essence. The truth of the matter is, there is a level of consciousness where time does not exist, Divine Timing is an interesting concept to grasp, however I am relying on the One who holds "time" in his hands to make a way for me because trying to do it for myself, by myself is not an option.
So what, the road isn't smooth and easy, if it were how much faith would it take to navigate through it? Not to mention the greater reward often received once the smoke clears and the dust settles. I don't know anyone else's hurdles or obstacles today, but I read a quote earlier which stated:
"Either the day runs you or you run the day!" - Jim Rohn
With that said, I am gearing up for round 2 to reclaim my day and squeeze out every good thing that it has for me. I pray you are encouraged and able to remain or regain whatever is necessary to start the new month off at the fastest, most efficient, joyous space possible and don't allow anything outside of your control to steal your joy or make you feel defeated on day 1. On the bright side, you also have Day 2 to regroup and shake things up. I am determined to make February great and I will do everything in my power to make it so.
Be Great Today (and Always)!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)