Accepting the Overflow

As some have noticed, it's been a while since I've shared my thoughts with you. On one hand, I'd like to apologize however I'm not sure why. As I pause for a moment to ask myself why I felt this way, the thought "it would be the nice thing to do" came to mind. On the other hand, as I've expressed on Twitter and in previous posts; I try not to use this as an outlet for whining and/or complaining. So I decided to "be still" until I had the words to share. I'm not quite sure where to begin or how much to share so this should be interesting lol.

I decided it was time for me to return to church, this was a few months ago. So I prayed and meditated on what I needed, I was very clear with God as well as myself that I wasn't at all interested in "playing church". I wanted to be taught, nurtured, understood and productive. I didn't want to just sit in the pew and leave the same way I'd arrived. So after like months of conversations with God (prayer and meditation) I awoke one morning with the thought "I have to go to church today!", so I text a friend/ mentor who grew up in church and lives a lifestyle that I can relate to. She responds with the name and directions to a church that came to her heart. I immediately got dressed and headed to the church, once the service was over I knew it was the answer to my prayers. Shortly after I decided to join and truly live a life of a single, Christian Woman (see Proverbs 31:10-31). If you haven't figured it out by now, or if you're new to the blog:

I'm old fashioned. I grew up watching shows of men being loving providers and women being caring nurturers, raising children under one household and growing together as a family. I admired that structure, partly because it was the complete opposite of my life as well as the way it made me feel as I watched. So as I made changes (physically, emotionally & spiritually) I realized how the anxiety disorder was attempting to change me mentally. I've always been aware of my differences, especially with other women. Typically I keep my standards to myself and accept others however they come. I remember as a teenager my Dad would tell me all the time "don't be promiscuous and above everything else, don't be stupid!". Those were his rules, no explanation, no discussion and I willingly accepted them. So as I'd talk to him about some of the things my friends were doing or stuff guys would say to me and how I felt about it, I was understanding the rules and why I'd chosen to adhere to them. Now that I'm an adult my Dad has actually said, "it's okay if you're promiscuous" I told him how ridiculous he sounded and that this conversation shouldn't happen again. I am a believer of boundaries, which leads me to the inspiration behind this post. While on Facebook I come across the following from a page I "like":

Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it, but only when you are overflowing from goodness you gave yourself first! ~ Reuben- Mindful Creation

I'd always done that, until I recognized that I wasn't being appreciated. So at some point I created "The Ice Princess", I'll post about "her" soon. Somehow with giving and feeling undervalued in my personal life, I'd attracted it to my professional life leading to this issue with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (check out this article for more information). However the most important thing that was damaged was my self worth. I'd never thought there was an issue, I'd kept myself put together for the most part, intelligent, but I'd began accepting foolishness into my life believing what everyone always tells me, "that's unrealistic", "that's too much" or "that's crazy" to every dream or desire expressed. I began to "play small" in order to blend in and not ruffle feathers, what I hadn't expected was how the outcome I was trying to avoid was exactly what happened. So I press forward (see various posts from Aug 2012 through today) now as I find myself on an unknown path along my journey I've noticed the speed of the answers to my prayers.

Most recently I'd spent some time with my family and experienced a divine fellowship with The Creator, I received revelation regarding events from my past which lead to the way I chose to present myself to the world. I believed a particular space of hurt and pain for me had been healed and I began to rejoice. The trouble came when this freaked out one of my relatives, without going into details I left feeling a certain type of way, later as I vented and attempted to enter a space of meditation, I had an anxiety attack. The worse one to date, even worse, it came suddenly and I had no medication due to my desire for freedom. Praise God for grace, because without it I really could have snapped and lost my sanity. Since then I've spoken with my therapist, psychiatrist and made note to speak with my Pastor. My therapist is quite familiar with the triggers associated with my family so she wasn't at all surprised by the incident and instructed me to keep a healthy distance for now.

Now several of my prayers have been answered and I can easily see the path to the fairytale life I've often mentioned and dream of. So the other evening while with my new friend, at one point I had trouble sleeping. Typically I have insomnia, however this was something different. I recognized that I felt paranoid because I don't usually sleep out, so as I laid there I began my usual prayer and meditation and at some point I knew God's presence was there. Oh, let me rewind quickly to the past couple of weeks: I've been reading a lot about God's glory along with my vision board and books such as "Love letters of Great Men" and "Love Poems" by Pablo Neruda. I've felt intense vibrations during meditation and my level of understanding has grown. If you follow my Twitter (@ShoesEqualAmore) and/or Instagram (kingkamille3) you may be familiar with the books and bible passages.

To quote @johnsonkelsey from Twitter "My dreams already scare me, but the fact that they are really coming true terrifies me!". To the point I was afraid to attend church yesterday, I was trying to figure out if I'd felt guilty for spending the Evening out or something silly. I prayed for my heart to be searched and to know if I was trying to justify something or if there was another explanation. And the truth is, I'd asked to be taken "to the clouds" (see I Kings 8:10-11) and after knowing that God was with me, I thought I knew what was coming next and it scared me.

When I attend my church service, the presence of God is so powerful. This experience is much different from when I attended church in the past (see, "My Religion is Love") so to think, I've been fasting a couple times a week, I've increased my prayers and meditations, I've been trying my best to be nice and not "go off" no matter how I am provoked or treated and to be helpful in anyway I can. So to go into a space with multiple people with similar energy, I was certain. I'd be in another realm and I didn't think I could handle it. On Thursday evening on my way home from an event I did not like the space that I was in, as I prepared for bed I said to myself "I need a 'Kamille Appreciation Weekend'", I typically have a day and I do whatever I choose FOR/BY myself to ensure I always feel appreciated and cherished regardless of who does it for me or not. I believe that although I am single I still deserve romance, love, respect and admiration; so who better to show and receive that from me besides me? And before I knew it the Universe conspired to give me exactly what I'd asked for. The following was my response to @johnsonkelsey:

"to feel something and truly know the space it's coming from is divine. I feel as if today is absolutely blissful 💜"

I am still in awe.