Silent Screams

I've been up since 4:00 am fighting the urge to scream and trying to battle an Anxiety Attack.

The fact that I only slept for less than two hours before I was awakened when an idea (yay!); followed by reenactments of yesterday's conversations and events began to lead to a Migraine.

I've started a prayer several times this week, but talked myself out of it. I want to hibernate. I am sick of (most) people and I'd rather spend my days with myself or a select few. Yet I know that is not what's best for me at this time/"season"... -sigh-

I keep reminding myself, "the battle is not yours, it's The Lord's"... Then the headache worsens and the tears fall.

Worst part of all, no one Cares. Although they'd be fake-offended IF they actually read the words stated; yet that's not a problem because they choose not to support anything I do. Yet if you let them tell it; they have all the love in the world; sigh -insert blank stare-. I'm now starting to question if these people even know how to show love; that's quickly answered by the facts:

1. They muster up enough "love", "care" and/or "concern" when it's convenient for/ or benefits them.

2. They expect and/or demand to be treated that way although they don't extend the same courtesy to others.

3. The moment you mention it, they start stuttering, apologizing and/or displaying some other sign of "guilt".

4. They are inconsistent; which shows they are capable. Trouble is they are unwilling to put forth a sincere, consistent EFFORT.

5. They are often selfish, self-centered and greedy. Therefore their main priority is themselves yet fail to realize or recognize when most people choose not to be bothered with them for long periods of time. This is usually when they become "humble", but it's fleeting. They often embrace those of us who are "nice", "compassionate" and/or "empathetic".

Moments like this I miss the "old me", the me who could care less about being "nice"; the anti-social girl who didn't like people. Then I am slapped with My Truth; that girl was not happy. I refuse to allow them the satisfaction, but I feel as if I am drowning in my own tears (at times) and all of the people who claim to care CHOOSE to turn a blind eye. Even when they are able to help; they are just unwilling.

Which also makes me question; if your "loved one" is "in need" and you choose to ignore or neglect them, how can you truly call yourself "a friend"? On the flip side, how dare you get offended/hurt/upset when they finally get a clue and no longer consider you as such.

Hmmm funny thing is, if I chose to treat them the way they treat me, I'd be "wrong" and questioned about my "Christianity/ Spiritually". People are a trip, I'd rather not take.

-exhale- I bet if I began to "call it like eye see it" they would then question if I "woke up on the wrong side of the bed"; however my response is, can you simply WAKE UP?!?! 

Gotta Start Somewhere...

I want to write...

Here are the challenges keeping me from doing so:

1. I don't like to discuss things until they are DONE. You know the saying "don't talk about it, be about it"? That's me 100%; so what do you write when everything's still "a work in progress"? Not to mention, words are powerful and I am not ready to share certain things publicly as they may affect my outcomes. In many things I can't afford to be naïve in thinking that everyone who reads my words or knows me personally wishes me well. Lets be honest, "misery loves company", "unhappiness despises change" and "The Mediocre hates The Over-Achiever" . So please forgive me when I choose NOT to give you ammunition to fuel negative energy towards me. Those who do such don't need any of my help. While those who wish me well and send positive energy, do so without requiring specifics.

2. Keeping #1 in mind, I don't desire to dwell in the sorrow of yesterday/yesteryear. Oftentimes rehashing the hurt, anger, heartache of the past has a way of making you relive it over and over again. That is a space I do not wish to dwell; however only highlighting the good would be untrue to my journey. I'm working towards finding Balance.

3. I am private; but if my experience will be a help to someone else, Empathy takes over and I become an open book. Yet with some things I want to write, I can not compromise the privacy of "others" who may not share my stance.

4. For the sake of sounding Arrogant. Honestly, some of the things I hear or read I think to myself; "that's so ignorant!" Or "they can't be serious?", most recently I've encountered people who approach me a certain type of way and initially I think they are trying to insult my intelligence; then I began to "dig deeper" and I had to ask myself, "are they Really THAT stupid?! O_o". But that's not "nice" right? On the other hand, it may just be a "lack of awareness" so I should show love and compassion. Although, I'm doing my very best, I find it most difficult to be nice to "niggas", "bitches" and "assholes". When I find myself dealing with them I have to remind myself not to "hate" the people; no matter how much I despise the behavior/characteristics they choose to display.

5. Keeping #4 in mind; from my experience most people don't like "corrective criticism", correction, being reprimanded or "friendly advice". It seems, this world only recognizes Sugar or Salt. There's more seasonings you know.... I am Honest, at times I think "to a fault", meaning I am mindful of the words I choose however I don't "Sugar Coat 'Shit'" never have and will not begin to do so now. Years ago I told someone "you're not gonna give me cake with shit on top and convince me it's frosting"; say what you mean and mean what you say, just do it in/with Love.

As I express my challenges, I think I may be able to overcome them with patience, understanding and love. I'll begin with the 6 (six) posts sitting in the Drafts.

Keeping the Faith (no longer depending on "wishes" and/or "luck"). In the meantime, feel free to keep in touch via "social media":

Email: KingKamille3@gmail.com
Instagram: KingKamille3
Tumblr: ShoesEqualAmore
Twitter: KingKamille3

Peace & Blessings

The Great Learning Experience by B. M. Walker

On June 21, 2012 I fainted at a BJ’s. I am writing this as an account of what happened, what I learned, how I felt.

 I remember I was at USC for a graduation. I had not eaten breakfast that morning because I was playing videogames. When we got to USC at 6 o’clock, I was really hungry, so I bought some popcorn. The graduation ended at 8 o’clock at night.

We went to BJ’s for dinner, and it was packed. It seemed as if all the other graduates wanted to go to BJ’s. We did not get seated until about 90 minutes later. I was extremely ravished, so when I started eating my burger, I ate it like a savage. I finished about half of my burger when my mom asked if I wanted dessert, and oddly I said no. I started to feel queasy, so I excused myself and went to the bathroom. As I went to the bathroom, my legs felt weak, so I sat on the toilet. Then, I washed my face, but that did not help. I left the bathroom, but I had no idea how to get back to my table. My vision was blurry and hallucianative. As I went up the ramp, I knew I could not go any farther.

That was when I fainted. Before I fainted, one of the waitresses tried to keep me awake, and I was trying also. Nothing worked. While I was in the ‘faint world’ all I saw was darkness. I did not hear, or feel anything. I was in my own little world. After a while, my brain made my body wake up.

Next thing I knew, I was surrounded by people. Suddenly, I was being whisked away by the paramedics, who took me to the hospital via ambulance. That is all I remember about that day. I learned a valuable lesson; it is very important to eat, and drink lots of fluids. I now use the saying ‘It takes an accident to truly learn a lesson’, and I really learned my lesson.