The World Outside My Window

I'd convinced myself that I was not depressed,  I rationalized the fact that the way I behaved and felt was vastly different from the actions and words I expressed when I was obviously feeling that way.  So I shrugged it off and told myself that my psychiatrist was missing something as we exchanged words regarding my current medication which no longer worked and the replacement he'd suggested.  I make a point to research medications before taking them, I also make sure to discuss my other medications and herbs that I take to ensure it will not interfere with anything.   Finally I realized I've been putting off washing my hair for 2 weeks now, which means I havent washed my hair in 3 weeks, I am disgusted as I admit these words.  I know that something is wrong, so I began to be completely honest with myself and I prayed and in that moment I accepted the truth, which is I need to pick up my prescription, I was somewh...

  In a perfect world we'd have no sad days or whatever the feeling was that managed to creep in Thursday evening. Throughout the day I attempted to make progress regarding a particular situation.  Over the past year I've made so many changes within myself, at times it's hard to believe my thoughts, feelings and desires are vastly different from what they've been the majority of my life.  So, on days like  the one  I experienced I don't quite know what I am supposed to feel.  Better yet, how I am supposed to express those feelings.    I was annoyed, frustrated, angry at times and battling depression as it seemed things were highly unlikely to change any time soon. Since the initial issue with "The Angry Birds" , the onset of anxiety disorder  followed by a required leave of absence from "The Land of the Lost", I have made every effort to refocus my thoughts to a bigger, brighter future. ...

"Leave My Body" Florence + the Machine Whenever I hear this song it reminds me of the scripture which speaks of how "being absent from the body is to be present with The Lord."   At times, I pray to leave my body, even if it's just for a few moments or a day or two.  I honestly believe this may have happened a time or two, for example when I had the car accident (see, Saturday, November 5, 2005 ) and was unconscious for an unknown period of time.  Like, what happens during that space in time?  Or when people are in a coma or whatever, I know what scientist say, however I believe that may be a time when you (generally speaking) may be in the presence of The Lord.  I don't know why this was on my mind this morning, well actually, let me explain . I'm up, dressed, out the door and in the car.  As I pull off I realize there's something wrong with my car and I intend to be somewhere at a certain time to assist in the preparation for a meeting.  A...

You ever have one of those days where the tears start to fall and while exhausting every effort to make them stop, you finally submit and allow them to continue until there are no more?  Well, that was my day; actually it begun last night and continued off and on throughout the day.  I got up with the intention to go on a relaxing hike and spend the day with family, however the drive was filled with tears as well.  By the time I reached my destination I realized I hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon so I allowed the "fat girl" to make the selection.  Needless to say I didn't hike as planned. As I cried, I prayed and expressed to God my anger, resentment, frustration, heartache and disappointment.  I realized how frustrated I am with the circumstances surrounding the "Land of the Lost" ; without going into detail, I find myself angry and stressed due to the way things are being handled.  I find myself seeking guidance (continuously) and I feel stupid...

For the past couple of days I've felt this space of resentment and anger trying to express itself, I've been trying to "be nice", but that's a whole other blog.  As various conversations and events occurred I had to take deep breaths, find the " right " music, count to 10, take the necessary medication and a million other techniques my Therapists and I agreed upon.  Trouble is, at some point I felt  overwhelmed.  I wanted to vent to and about various things and people however I knew that wasn't a wise decision.  So I began a post titled "My Complaint Hierarchy", yet my thoughts weren't forming as I would have liked so I left it in the draft.    Not long after I spent some time with a very important person in my life and to say I was at my "wits end" would be an understatement.  I couldn't figure out if they were purposely trying to push my buttons or if it were just a happenstance, nonetheless, the tears began to fa...

I used to beat myself so hard because I had things "undone", I guess it's a combo of OCD and some other things which creates this sense of urgency.  However over time I've learned to understand that everything happens in it's "due season".  True, it could, and you may even feel as if it should happen NOW, but what if it isn't the Primetime which most likely means there isn't enough preparation, understanding, skills, maturity, etc. to achieve the level of success or convey the right message.  I guess it's like when you crave a certain fruit, you may rush out to get it just for it to be sour or not as delightful as you had fantasized.    The same could be said with words, you know the moment it/they leave your mouth and the voice in your head says "I shouldn't have said that"?  So I'm learning the same is true with opportunity, relationships and some plans.  Often times, I try not to get upset when plans don't pan ou...

What does my name mean? Hidden within your name is a special meaning.  What does the name “Kamille” mean? A name is much more than just a name! K is for kid, the child within. A is for agreeable, the best side of you! M is for melody, the song of life. I is for ignite, the fire in you! L is for loyalty, that you show . L is for laughter, you spread wherever you go. E is for exotic, no lack of spirit here!   The name “Kamille” is of Arabic origin and it means “Perfection” . It’s a name commonly given to girls. According to the 1991 U.S. Social Security Administration data, the name “Kamille” is not a popular baby girl’s name in California. Imagine that, only 13 babies in California have the same name as you in 1991. Across the entire United States a total of only 75 babies also bear the same first name during the same year. From 1880 to 2011, the highest recorded use of the name “Kamille” was in 2011 with a total of 256 babies. Since 1880, ...