The World Outside My Window

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.” Expherience It’s interesting to see the growth in the girl who began this blog, realizing some beliefs that no longer serve me and how I have learned to recognize their origin. Becoming a woman is not an easy task; I think the most appreciated change has been maturity in various aspects of the word. I am learning to “be the light” and the more challenging, “give people your power to see”; I tend to like to stay low-key. People are often surprised (irl) when they discover a talent or gift that I possess, although it may be something I’m extremely familiar with I may shy away from the exposure or attention. I’m working on that, even in my sharing on this blog as well as the other . Oftentimes I have thoughts of writing or words to share and I’ll talk myself out of it, for fear of the unknown… One of my goals for the new year is to be more expressive in my writing, sharing and in my daily lif...

I recall posting throughout the years about seeking to be more responsible; thinking things would magically come together and I could tackle each area of my life one by one; boy, was I wrong.  Shortly after I discovered an avalanche of "trouble" and overwhelming feelings ranging from disbelief to confusion; eventually got things on track for the better.  That's usually when we take a sigh of relief and "Thank GOD, that's over".  The past few days I've had thoughts about "Getting Over" something, which to me is the lighter or "easier" way around various challenges life may bring.  I find this process takes much longer because of the amount of time denying there's anything to get over in the first place.  Then once we come to terms with the reality of the matter some may sweep it under the rug only to trip over it somewhere down the line.  This year has shown many ups and downs for me, however this time I am seeking a deeper unde...

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again. That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in ...

"…But the human tongue is a beast that few can master. It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed, it will run wild and cause you grief." - from 48 Laws of Power; Law 4, Always Say Less Than Necessary I recall when I was in my 20's (especially), I used to "pop off" at the mouth (easily); always "just sayin".  There was one night in particular where I was out with a friend and friends of hers, at a club and this random guy was a bit too touchy and ungentlemanly for my taste. Well, after I'd had enough (which didn't take long), I started talking all types of shit.  I wish I could remember the exchange, but it's neither here nor there at this point.  Anyway, had things escalated it would've been a situation of "when keeping it real goes wrong".... Over the years I've learned to control my self a lot better.  In that situation I (try my best to) defuse the situation before it gets too out of ...

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.   I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the j...

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication ( lol & smh ).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again). The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other...

Love, Love, Love, Love, Love... I know I've been basking "in Love" for quite some time now; so much so that I did not want to publish this expression.  I touched on my feelings briefly in the piece titled " Venus on Display "; as I am becoming more in tune with my Self, I am also made aware of the affects/ effects of "others" into my Space.  This was brought up due to the fact that recently I was strongly advised to compose an Advanced Directive ; at that moment "shit got real!". Although I was aware of the severity of my condition(s); it wasn't until the need to put such a formal document in place that I truly understood how serious things have become.   Enters "Trust Issues", I thought I knew what I'd do if I was put in this position, but as the saying goes, "until it happens to you...".  I took a moment and discussed things with the Man in my Life who would be "responsible" for me since I am ...

I spent some time this weekend reading through The Blog; first randomly selecting posts which lead to reading the associated entry, before I knew it I was lost in my own words for hours. I know I mentioned the thought of deleting and starting anew, but I've decided not to. The truth is: the thoughts and feelings shared were from my Heart; and to delete or attempt to "erase" them won't take away the space it filled during that time. I began The Blog hmmm around 2008 (iBelieve) with private settings as a way to process my thoughts and feelings. I had no intention on sharing them with anyone, let alone "strangers". So in 2012 when I had the conversation to change settings to public (see, " Comfort Zone(s)" ) I made sure to delete almost all of the posts I'd published (2008- 2010). Overall, I am glad that I did since those thoughts were extremely personal not to mention private; and I know I would've been quite uncomfortable sharing. This ...

I've been searching for the "right" words to share; wrestling with the need to overcompensate for the length of time I left my Blog unattended. Each time I attempted to compose a post it was all too much... I hate over-sharing; I've always felt stupid when it's occurred, knowing there must have been a simpler way to express those thoughts without being "emotionally slutty". Initially I'd lost confidence in my writing for whatever reason. Then my desire to write returned, but I didn't know where to begin and/or how to determine how open I should be considering I have so much going on within myself. As I've stated before, I don't like to share a post without some type of conclusion or "victory" so to speak. Well towards the end of May 2014 I decided to do some sort of cleanse. I say some sort because this one is uniquely different than the ones I've done in the past. Now that I've established some type of routine I can...

As I look over my drafts as well as the number of entries this year I find myself asking "What Happened?".  It seems I may have gotten distracted, various things come to mind especially the post My New Baby ; I was so excited to introduce my words to another audience however I may have gone about it prematurely.  I later wrote What's Missing... which was a good start (in my mind) to introduce myself and combine both blogs.  Well, I realize I didn't have the proper time or resources to commit to both.  Add to that insomnia, anxiety and some of life's obstacles and you have what's happened; one post per month...   I intend to "do better" in the months to come, especially as the year comes to an end.  I find myself reflecting a bit early, and I can see my growth as well as some areas where I need work.  Thanks again for being a part of this journey, I am unsure where it leads exactly however with each new step, challenge, accomplishme...

For the past few weeks I have wanted to write, yet the words didn't seem to come together.  Times like this I tend to doubt my ability, then I remember why I began blogging as well as why/when I decided to change the blog from private to public.  I feel myself being self-conscious on occasion, during these times I begin telling myself various quotes I've read over the years; many like the one on the left encouraging me to keep going.  So many things have happened since the last time I shared, many of which I feel it's not time to talk about.    During a conversation over coffee I realized I was in a space of no worries. I recognized the number of troubles I've had happen as they say "all at once" compared to what's going on in my life now that I've truly "Let Go And Let God.  I reflect on how my life was and where it was going and I am grateful to know that those circumstances have been handled.  Not to sa...

I want to write... Here are the challenges keeping me from doing so: 1. I don't like to discuss things until they are DONE. You know the saying "don't talk about it, be about it"? That's me 100%; so what do you write when everything's still "a work in progress"? Not to mention, words are powerful and I am not ready to share certain things publicly as they may affect my outcomes. In many things I can't afford to be naïve in thinking that everyone who reads my words or knows me personally wishes me well. Lets be honest, "misery loves company", "unhappiness despises change" and "The Mediocre hates The Over-Achiever" . So please forgive me when I choose NOT to give you ammunition to fuel negative energy towards me. Those who do such don't need any of my help. While those who wish me well and send positive energy, do so without requiring specifics. 2. Keeping #1 in mind, I don't desire to dwell in the sorrow...