At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless. Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things. Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me. Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder, so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become. I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again.
That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with. As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming. I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in check", yet from moment to moment I can swim in and out of Love. I float though despair and fight to find myself gliding into a space of helpfulness in addition to hopefulness.
I've decided to spend the past few days putting the needs of others in place of my own, not in a way of lack or being less than, but out of a space of finding my true nature, which I believe was buried by various "issues" of my past. Issues I am fighting hard to overcome as well as end the cycle which leads to unhappiness. Even in writing currently, I am choosing not to focus on the past; rather looking forward to the bright future I can see from my dreams.
No comments:
Post a Comment