The World Outside My Window

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again. That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in ...

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.   I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the j...

In simplicity I am nurtured by the calmness of the Divine and her Lover... the Universe. Selah. My Lover consumes me; from my Crown and throughout the heights and depths of my Soul. My God completes me; I am whole yet enhanced by the love I choose to believe. Mind. Body. And Soul.

There's a blanket, fruit and wine. It's set under the play yard. Obscured by slides and other play things. Although we don't notice any of it. The Sun sets and the Sky changes in such majestic colors; filling the air with love and desire. We talk and touch as we await the Moon. Once darkness falls our clothes disappear as if they were powered by Sunlight. We admire one another as our shadows and the sound of our breathing echoes in the Night air. Followed by the love we will express as our breath and bodies become One.

My body craves you as I stare into the colors of the Autumn Sky. The rich reds, pinks, purples, blues and orange, entice my senses and I can only imagine our bodies intertwined. Your hands roaming the softness that is my skin while my tongue trace your Manhood. Both searching to quench the thirst that has become of our lust. Or perhaps it's love; in its most primitive form. As I feel like a Cave Woman awaiting Man to come from his fights with the beasts of the land looking for yet another to conquer.  He enters, grabbing my hair with a hand on my neck and then loosening the grip of my hair in exchange for caressing the body; knowing I belong to only Him. Smelling of delicious sweat and sweet desire we become One, creating passionate sounds and enticing scents that only lovers could create. Our auras glow in the darkness, maybe under the Stars or in the secret places He finds for us. Abandoning reality and all that's left is the Beautiful Fantasy written underneath an Orange Sky...

When I decided to begin blogging again I made a mental note to exclude posts concerning sex as well as sexuality.  After looking back regarding sharing my experience with abstinence, and a few encounters, although I received great feedback I felt some type of way about the information published. I feel as if it is a vulnerable and private space which should remain sacred.  However as I dive deeper into my Self along this journey of Spirituality, Consciousness and self discovery, I am realizing how Sexuality is coming to mind more often than ever before.  With that being said   I guess I should start from the beginning (so to speak). Rewind to Ramadan (June 28- July 27, 2014), although I am not Muslim, I decided to observe the practice of fasting, I will admit, it was an awesome experience; however as I am not new to fasting and/or cleansing I seemed to have a hard time coming out of it this time.  Actually, my body is sti...

The most interesting thing about dealing with Anxiety Disorder for me has been self discovery. Naturally I am a curious person, I like to know how things operate so I observe and analyze (usually over-analyzing); which explains my fascination with psychology, specifically behavioral psychology.  As an only child I spent a lot of time with myself, so prior to the incident(s) triggering the Disorder I felt as if I knew myself to my "core".  I recall a conversation with my first therapist where she explained how we all have certain levels of anxiety (and/or any other "issue" which require awareness). Some people may have a higher tolerance while others may be predisposed to a Disorder, perhaps genetically or through conditioning (nature vs. nurture). I was aware of the concept however it's something totally different when you are now the "subject". I am reminded of a conversation I had about a year ago with my Mother, I'm not sure how it began but we ...

Once again, I'm not sure how far I want to go back, or how much I would like to share as this post is quite different from the battle which was/is,  "The Struggle" .   I guess I'll just keep it within the past few days and see where it goes... As I mentioned I'd gotten back to the  "atmosphere"  within myself that I've designated my  "Sweet Escape",  shortly after for various reasons I found myself in a state of high anxiety ending with tears.  Monday, I knew  "the Feelings"  weren't going anywhere and I'd need to increase the effort relating to the techniques learned through experience, research and therapy in hopes the Anxiety wouldn't escalate or create an attack.  I figured I'd begin with washing my hair and from there my mood should improve.  It's clear that would not be enough, so I began to meditate which lead to the realization that my "yin and yang" were out of sync.  I began searching online...