The World Outside My Window

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, so I began with my journals.  I've been trying to figure out my current state of mind; along with organizing my feelings and emotions.  To put it simply, I have been broken; and I don't quite know how to put myself back together.  I am so far from the girl I was when I began this Blog, so many things have changed over time as well as in recent years.  At times I wish I wouldn't over-think so much and allow the words to flow from my fingertips without worrying about how they are understood.  Seeing how I have several drafts awaiting completion, I didn't want to start another entry I would not finish.  Once again I feel as if I am rambling, typically when this occurs I start to let my mind wander which usually takes me to a space of fantasy and enlightenment.  Two of my favorite atmospheres in which to write.  I've been avoiding this place to be honest,  since the beginning of this year, hmm perha...

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again. That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in ...

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.   I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the j...

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication ( lol & smh ).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again). The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other...

I am currently sorting through various feelings concerning my health and over all well-being.  This time away has really allowed me to take an introspective look at my self as well as my goals, hopes and dreams.  I feel an intense desire to work hard as well as smart to ensure my life is designed exactly as my God and I are creating.   The other day I decided to watch "The Secret" again, to my surprise I truly understood why I'd incorporated many of the practices taught in that documentary; and to say the ones I've consistently made my best effort to observe have been successful.  In more than a few areas of my life; helping me to see clearly the areas which still need a bit of care and improvement.  I begun an expression to share with the Blog a few days ago as a follow-up to " Venus on Display " and " Venus on Display: "Trust Issues, Thirst Traps and Guilt Tripping" , yet each time I dive a bit deeper into my Self, I tend to pause and ne...

I am super excited about the writing I've been doing as well as what I have in mind to share.  I am enjoying my Journey thusfar and I'm currently on my way to enjoy a hike followed by whatever the Day brings.  Just wanted to touch basis with you all and wish you a very happy 1111! I intend to share more, but until then.... Love.

listened to my "secret" playlist and allowed the music and teachings to saturate my subconscious as well as encourage my Dreams & Goals.  awoke to confirmations and revelations... about to "break fast" with my vision board, business plans, journals and that good in my bowl.  thanking and praising God for waking me this morning with my mind right and better mood(s). all glory to the Most High 👋🙏🙌

I've been to the East many times before, however never in this capacity. Everything appears the same as I remember, yet there's something altogether different this time. The Sky I adore is the same, but the Stars are brighter and the weather remains neutral; while the Sun and Moon battle to display their altered states of Being in this foreign land.  In some ways I expected the experience to be the way it has and on other days I long to return to the Sea. The Shore gives me hope of endless possibilities, and a bit of intrigue as at times I debate taking an anchor and returning to my Mermaid Life. Then I remember the Ones I'd leave behind, along with the Ones who would actually notice and care that I was no more. So I embrace this place called Earth; Lightyears from "Home" and plot to build the Empire I see in my memories. Rediscovering ways to intertwine the lives I left behind, my newfound fantasies, along with this reality. All with the knowing that I am co-...

"Be thirsty Heart, seek forever without a rest.  Let this soundless longing hidden deep inside you be the source of every word you say" - Rumi The other evening while working on my fitness, I thought of revisiting a form of writing I'd long abandoned.  I've written wedding vows for my self approximately three times, obviously never taking the opportunity to recite them.  I remember the first poem I wrote; my Aunt assisted me, nevertheless the poem was selected to be published in some school book, I don't recall what type; I just know it wasn't the yearbook.  This was in Junior High School.   I remember some time later I felt "some type of way" and tore up the only copy I had.  Shortly after doing so I promised my self I'd never do that again. Is there a word stronger than "Love"?  If so that's what I feel for Venus; she's my "Planet of Love" as well as the "Love Planet" of the Universe and I adore He...

"The biggest adventure you can take is to live the life of your dreams. "  - Oprah Winfrey