"Be thirsty Heart, seek forever without a rest. Let this soundless longing hidden deep inside you be the source of every word you say" - Rumi
The other evening while working on my fitness, I thought of revisiting a form of writing I'd long abandoned. I've written wedding vows for my self approximately three times, obviously never taking the opportunity to recite them. I remember the first poem I wrote; my Aunt assisted me, nevertheless the poem was selected to be published in some school book, I don't recall what type; I just know it wasn't the yearbook. This was in Junior High School. I remember some time later I felt "some type of way" and tore up the only copy I had. Shortly after doing so I promised my self I'd never do that again.
Is there a word stronger than "Love"? If so that's what I feel for Venus; she's my "Planet of Love" as well as the "Love Planet" of the Universe and I adore Her. The best part is, the sentiment(s) are mutual! She's my escape when Earth becomes too much like Mars; or worse, Hell. Both places/ Spaces I've had more than enough of. Venus hides me in Her mountains, valleys, rivers, oceans and at times in her Moons and Stars. Speaking to my Soul, allowing me to cry or rejoice knowing that the Divine is with me.
I am unsure when this happened and initially I felt violated as if my Heart/ Love/ "Sweet Disposition" was put on display without my consent. I had no time to process my thoughts, words or actions; they just morphed from "Ice Princess" to some type of Loving, Lovable, Affectionate Creature. At times I dont always recognize "her/she/me" especially on Earth or in the light of Day. I am not completely certain of "why?' this occurs; perhaps because aside from a literal mirror I rarely see "it" from anOther. In my mind, the spirit or maybe essence would be a better choice... the essence that is "Kamille" at the core of self is vastly different from any one as well as any thing I've encountered in my years on Earth (this time lol). As I've shared in previous posts, I want or should I say, I desire to be my Self; authentically. Trouble I'm finding is, when I rarely see the same qualities reciprocated; it's exhausting! I've joked with select friends, if I had it to do over again I seriously doubt I would've chosen to come here as a "human" being. However in their defense, "no shade, no tea", I am thankful as well as appreciative of the fact that I was allowed the choice of being a Girl/ Woman.
I often experience deja vu; as of late it occurs more frequently, lasting more than the typical "moment". As I try to piece them together in an attempt to know my self (past, present and future); I begin to question, when exactly does "free will" begin? Like, did it begin "before the foundation of the Earth"? Or in the womb? My thought is, it occurs before the foundation of the World; however since the Woman's eggs are stationary and the Man's sperm is where the option/ choice(s) lie. I believe that's where the decision is made. I often ponder "if life had a reset button" how I'd make different choices; I wont go into them because they are beyond "weird" to the "average" person. LOL.
I have a few feelings/ issues that have popped up in writing this piece, so I am going to process them and share soon.
To be continued...
Please note:
I have begun a new treatment plan, including new medication and it seems I have entered a space where my Mental Health is fragile and I don't or maybe I should say, I can't deal with the effects of another Anxiety Attack anytime soon. So my presence on Social Media may be a bit scattered. However I ask that you keep me in your prayers (in Jesus name), catch up on previous posts and stay on the look out for new "material". Thank you for your kindness and understanding. Until we "meet" again; Namaste.
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