The World Outside My Window

“Be the light. Touch the world. Give people your power to see. Show them your soul.” Expherience It’s interesting to see the growth in the girl who began this blog, realizing some beliefs that no longer serve me and how I have learned to recognize their origin. Becoming a woman is not an easy task; I think the most appreciated change has been maturity in various aspects of the word. I am learning to “be the light” and the more challenging, “give people your power to see”; I tend to like to stay low-key. People are often surprised (irl) when they discover a talent or gift that I possess, although it may be something I’m extremely familiar with I may shy away from the exposure or attention. I’m working on that, even in my sharing on this blog as well as the other . Oftentimes I have thoughts of writing or words to share and I’ll talk myself out of it, for fear of the unknown… One of my goals for the new year is to be more expressive in my writing, sharing and in my daily lif...

I've never been the type to believe that I had the ability to "change" anyone; nor do I attempt to.  I realized very early in life that my only obligation was to change, rather improve my Self.  As a perfectionist with a sheltered upbringing, I found myself quite judgmental, however I kept my judgments to my Self.  I was super critical of my thoughts, actions as well as my words.  The good thing for Others, was that I am a true introvert.  I absolutely adore the time spent with myself, just as much (if not more) than being in the company of a group.   I don't recall what sparked in me.  Honestly, until this moment, I never questioned or examined it. As I've shared in previous expressions, 2009 was the year I moved from my family with the desire to truly grow into the Woman I desire to be.  The Woman I knew was buried inside, dying to show herself to "the world".  It was my Soul yearning for something more amazing; something I'd never ...

I don't cry (often); I've mentioned that before in previous posts, however for the past week I've been trying to cry.  My eyes are watery and a tear or two has escaped, but not the out pour that I need to occur.  After more research or should I say, investigation, I can now prove that this unwanted weight is a direct side effect from the medication I was prescribed.  Of course there will be no apology, and to be honest what good would it do anyway.  I spent the beginning months of this year ruling out pregnancy which of course triggered emotions I wasn't expecting, but once that was finally ruled out I attempted to change eating habits as well as fitness routines all to no avail.  Now here we are half way through the year and the truth is discovered.  I was right, so why do I feel so hopeless and depressed? I've had several "lectures" ranging from someone really close to me to people overstepping their boundaries to tell me to "push back from the...

"Even if you have nothing to write, write and say so." Marcus Tullius Cicero Each Night I stare at my laptop with the desire to write something worth sharing.  I have 7 drafts, however each time I read them I feel as if they are too personal to share; so I debate deleting.  I've even considered deleting the Blog and starting one I've had in mind for some time now.  Then I reconsidered, the concept is much more personal than the current one. The thing is, I finally realized what's been holding me back. I don't know how to describe it completely,  I recall a time when I'd sit at the computer or my laptop and the words would overflow.  That was prior to the diagnosis as well as in the beginning stages of the disorder(s). Knowing that I've chosen to publicize my Blog suddenly brings about a certain type of Anxiety I am not quite familiar with.     I don't know how much I can discuss, but I recall when I first spoke out about what I felt was hap...

At times I feel as if I wear my Heart on my sleeve; I make an attempt to conceal it, but I feel as if it shows regardless.  Some times I wish I was more nonchalant about things.  Not allowing them to get under my skin, although I already know that's an impossibility for me.  Funny because it was difficult prior to the Anxiety Disorder,  so now it's mind blowing how sensitive I can become.  I dislike feeling as if I am "using" the disorder as a crutch or a scapegoat, but in reality I am aware that I am not how I once was; nor will I ever be again. That's the part that gets to me the most, to understand that I have changed on many levels; one of which I am not in alignment with.  As a Capricorn I can be quite moody by nature, but adding to that the disorders, conditions, phobias, etc. all of which are out of my control and based upon an element of my self that I am still discovering, is quite overwhelming.  I struggle daily to keep the feelings "in ...

I've decided not too long ago that I would take an introspective look concerning my issues with vulnerability. It seems I feel as if it is a weakness that many choose to prey upon; as opposed to a strength that only the brave and courageous are willing to explore.  With each post I am confronted by my comfort zone which often leads to a slight debate regarding which parts to edit away and which should stay.  Or which should remain in a private journal rather than being posted on the Blog; not to mention the thoughts, feelings and emotions that I must hold onto until a therapist is secured and I can share my Self completely without judgement or criticism.   I believe needs come in all shapes, sizes and forms; they can also be specific to sentimental times in a person's life.  For me, a few months of the year brings about "Anniversaries" and "Awareness" or "Observation" on special dates that have either changed my life or are now a part of the j...

As I sit here, I decided to re-read the drafts currently awaiting completion.  I've decided, they are too personal.  Part of me wishes I was able to bypass that "feeling" today, but I know that I'll only regret sharing anything prematurely.  In this moment I am both happy yet my heart feels broken; for various reasons.  So far the wine and weed (medicinal marijuana) are helping, you see I am out of medication ( lol & smh ).  I returned from my trip and somehow my pharmacy has difficulty filling my prescriptions (insert blank stare). You'd think there would be some type of provision for this type of circumstance; nope.  From the attitude of the staff, "no fucks" were given; thankfully and with much prayer and "alternative" approaches to Anxiety Disorder and Severe Depression, I did not wind up in the Hospital (again). The level(s) of aloofness are baffling to me; the things that consume my thoughts are at times overwhelming. While other...

I awoke this Morning feeling rested and excited for this journey to "officially" begin.  The past couple of days have been priceless; catching up with Loved Ones and meeting the new additions; from first sight I knew they are Beautiful Souls.  My Heart melted. Beginning today I am focusing on an area of my Being that I only discuss with my Doctors and friends on a "need to know" basis.  Well, I suppose I've decided to share in the hopes to bring awareness and perhaps prevention to anOther. My tummy is at one of it's worse states of Being, as IBS ( Irritable Bowel Syndrome ) has taken over.  Little does it know, Cleansing, Lifestyle changes as well as my commitment to "Team Fitness" are about to take over! Pray my strength, endurance and healing. Namaste

It's approaching two years since I was first diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder", prior to that time I had no care or concern for mental health, mental illness or anything associated with it. Not from a standpoint of not having empathy or compassion for those who suffer from it or have loved ones battling various conditions; it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" as I've never really had anyone close to me battle such "d'evils". I won't go into detail regarding how it became a part of my life, however in previous posts I have shared somewhat how it effects me.  I recall last year being the worst with it (to date), that was when I truly learned by experience how much different my life had become.  The Anxiety attacks had become more frequent as well as migraine headaches, insomnia, eczema and other symptoms associated with the disorder. I know of a time or a few where I'd gone into an anxiety attack and completely blacked out, ...