It's approaching two years since I was first diagnosed with "Anxiety Disorder", prior to that time I had no care or concern for mental health, mental illness or anything associated with it. Not from a standpoint of not having empathy or compassion for those who suffer from it or have loved ones battling various conditions; it was more like "out of sight, out of mind" as I've never really had anyone close to me battle such "d'evils". I won't go into detail regarding how it became a part of my life, however in previous posts I have shared somewhat how it effects me.
I recall last year being the worst with it (to date), that was when I truly learned by experience how much different my life had become. The Anxiety attacks had become more frequent as well as migraine headaches, insomnia, eczema and other symptoms associated with the disorder. I know of a time or a few where I'd gone into an anxiety attack and completely blacked out, not remembering anything that occurred leading up to or during the experience. On one occasion I was later informed that I had driven somewhere in that state; I don't believe that to be true, however I don't know that it is not. Since then I have tried my hardest to "control" my Anxiety. Up until recently that had been the majority of my focus; to appear "normal" for various reasons. After realizing the side effects of prescribed medications were becoming overwhelming I increased natural remedies including herbs, vitamins, foods, as well as activities which promote a healthy balance within. Such as increasing my time of prayer, fasting, meditating, etc. yet at times realizing the fact that many of the things I'd worked extremely hard to accomplish we're disappearing and it was all beyond my control. That may be the hardest thing for a Capricorn to process; loss of control. Which, is the essence of who "we" are described to be: "The Authoritative One of the Zodiac".
Recently I had this eerie "déjà vu" due to a series of events which caused me to panic. Knowing left unattended will morph into an anxiety attack and I will be powerless to stop it if it reaches a certain level of intensity. As a Capricorn I already have various "quirks", of which I've grown to either accept or correct. Some I acknowledge as zodiac sterotyping so it doesn't really affect me one way or another. Being on the cusp may play a part in that; since I was somewhat close to being an Aquarius, there are times when I don't quite identify with all that a "Capricorn" is supposed to be. A few life decisions or should I say experiences make it difficult to accept labels of any type, as no one is any one thing. Nevertheless, I believe all of the elements in place (God, the Sun, Moon, Planets, etc.) are greatly important to the course of a persons life. Seeing how God created everything in a decent and orderly fashion on some level it just makes sense (to me) that all of these things "work together for the good". So as I began cleansing in May of this year as well as participating (somewhat) in Ramadan I've rediscovered a space of "being" that feels most like "home" to me.
The other day some things happened and it threw me completely off track. I'd found my "Sweet Escape", a space where I feel my Heart is safe and free to be as wild as it's allowed to be. I'd given myself permission to be vulnerable and hear the "words" my Heart spoke without criticism, judgement or boundaries. As I'm basking in this atmosphere "the Feelings" jump out of nowhere and I become a fucking mess! Next thing I know, without missing a beat here comes Anxiety to add fuel to the fire; it begins with a headache followed by the desire to allow the tears to fall, but that's against the rules, as a Capricorn you're not allowed to show emotion or be "weak". But me, she, her; Kamille, has so many weakness, not to mention flaws. And anxiety seems to take some type of sadistic pleasure in exposing those weakness to the World. When this occurs my defenses go up and I tend to retreat inward (in my Head and in my Heart), I attempt to find the right "cocktail" to get the emotions and hormones back in balance, but that isn't helping; so I had a brief conversation with my "Love Guru #1" and man was it right on time! The conversation ended and although I wasn't "better" I caved in and allowed the tears to fall.
To be continued...
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