The World Outside My Window

Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself.  At times that's where the challenge lies,  seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth";  I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share.  I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that).  Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online. This past few months have been strange.  I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like.  That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored.  It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate throug...

When I take the medication as prescribed it confuses my emotions; I'm either aloof or an (internal) emotional roller coaster and I get tired of that. I feel my depression meds aren't strong enough and I'm still anxious although I have meds for that too.  Although I haven't had many anxiety attacks since beginning them in 2012, I feel as if I'm always on edge and need a gazillion techniques just to overcome each day. This helps on the "normal" days, but the bad days are pure hell. Keeping that to myself (probably) makes it worse, which is why I decided to share.  I'm taking a break from my meds now and although my attitude (at times) may be (insert whatever here) that's when I feel like myself (pre-illness) and for brief intervals I'm fine with that. 

So I was accepted into the School I applied to, however since I had to complete all of my documentation during Mercury Retrograde I wasn't surprised when "upon review" it was determined that I need to complete more General classes before I can begin my program.  So there's a slight delay, however I am still on track towards the overall goal.  I find myself having dreams or should I say nightmares filled with anxiety about the next phase of my journey, but in the end I know.... well I believe I can overcome them with patience towards myself as well as the proper support. I took a break from my meds again, this time I am noticing a few side-effects which I will discuss in therapy along with my Doctor and see if possibly changing medication or something could be beneficial.  It seems to be contributing to my weight gain, and I think it goes without saying that I am unhappy about it.  I know this may sound odd, but I'd rather be "skinny" and "crazy...

I've been trying to think of something special to write since it's been so long since I've checked in.  As far as some of the things going on with me.  I guess I should announce that I've been accepted into College.  As I've written before that was an area that I've been avoiding for quite some time, mainly out of fear.  I feared getting started, yet I also feared the process as well as if I'd complete my goal.  I've somehow overcome those fears and decided that I must at least try.  Although I was somewhat worried I am happy with the School I've selected and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me. Another goal I've made for myself is to shed these unwanted pounds,  I have begun a few dietary changes and I am looking forward to the results in the months to come.   As my state of mind has changed a bit I hope to write more in the days to come.  Until then... Namaste