5 Drafts

Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself.  At times that's where the challenge lies,  seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth";  I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share.  I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that).  Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online.

This past few months have been strange.  I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like.  That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored.  It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate through my Mind, Emotions, Thoughts and Feelings all by my lonesome.  

With Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression along with other conditions, issues, and such I find myself struggling (often) to maintain happiness and sanity.  I am in an unfamiliar phase of my journey.  It hurts, it's enlightening as well as challenging.  Recently, I found myself reflecting on some thoughts and realized how much I've transformed my thought pattern.  It's been roughly a year and four months since I've seen a therapist aside from a few group meetings I am able to meet up with from time to time.  So far I've been utilizing the techniques learned through my therapy sessions when I was first diagnosed in 2012.  Trouble is, they aren't quite as effective as they were in the beginning stages of the "illnesses".   I recently found myself depressed.  Until now, I've chosen not to discuss it often; until the other day when I had a thought; although my intention is not to change anyone,  I do realize that others find encouragement, inspiration, etc. from my experiences with similar situations.  I thought to myself, is it delusional to primarily focus on the positive while avoiding the "low's" of life?

Then I run across various articles with the hopes to find comfort or soothing from the words of the author, yet find myself disappointed by the narrative.  I find that a lot of people who write about Mental Illness write from a tone that does not serve me.  Perhaps it is my Hyper-Sensitivity? I don't know, a day or two ago I read an article about curing Social Anxiety which brought up a condition referred to as Childhood Emotional Neglect; after finishing the article I began to question the writer's desired outcome for those who deal with those complex issues.  Then I thought, why am I looking for someone to write my thoughts regarding my experience?

Good News, as of last week therapy is on the horizon; another issue I can't really discuss.  In the past I'd leave the drafts in the box for other reasons, this time I don't completely know why I am choosing not to share.  I've been reading a lot, especially regarding the illnesses I have and I have been extremely frustrated with the "cookie-cutter" approach to Mental Illness.  Not that I have become an expert: however, dealing with mental illness daily opposed to studying mental illness for Education are quite different.  Especially seeing how each individual copes with various things differently.  In writing about my experience as well as reading various texts, articles, etc. I find myself wanting to write my book.  I haven't begun the draft, yet I have a title and a special journal I've decorated and will begin when I feel the time is right.  To my surprise the thought of starting sparked something.  I am looking forward to the process yet a bit nervous for the outcome, guess that's where faith and patience comes in.  Since I am in no rush, I intend to take my time and really put together something that I am proud and excited to share outside of Blogging.

In the meantime, I am going through the drafts and selecting which to delete and which to complete and share.  I know I've said this countless times in previous posts, but I'd like to say once again; Thank you for taking the time to read the Blog and correspond in various ways.  I feel as if I am not in this alone since I know there are those of you out there who express care, concern and empathy for the posts I have chosen to share as well as various social media outlets.  I pray you find yourself in a pleasant space with loving energy despite circumstances and/or situations beyond our control.

Until next time... Love

My Meds & I...

When I take the medication as prescribed it confuses my emotions; I'm either aloof or an (internal) emotional roller coaster and I get tired of that. I feel my depression meds aren't strong enough and I'm still anxious although I have meds for that too. 

Although I haven't had many anxiety attacks since beginning them in 2012, I feel as if I'm always on edge and need a gazillion techniques just to overcome each day. This helps on the "normal" days, but the bad days are pure hell. Keeping that to myself (probably) makes it worse, which is why I decided to share. 

I'm taking a break from my meds now and although my attitude (at times) may be (insert whatever here) that's when I feel like myself (pre-illness) and for brief intervals I'm fine with that. 

Catching Up (Again)...

So I was accepted into the School I applied to, however since I had to complete all of my documentation during Mercury Retrograde I wasn't surprised when "upon review" it was determined that I need to complete more General classes before I can begin my program.  So there's a slight delay, however I am still on track towards the overall goal.  I find myself having dreams or should I say nightmares filled with anxiety about the next phase of my journey, but in the end I know.... well I believe I can overcome them with patience towards myself as well as the proper support.

I took a break from my meds again, this time I am noticing a few side-effects which I will discuss in therapy along with my Doctor and see if possibly changing medication or something could be beneficial.  It seems to be contributing to my weight gain, and I think it goes without saying that I am unhappy about it.  I know this may sound odd, but I'd rather be "skinny" and "crazy" than overweight and "sane".  Does that seem foolish? Oh well... One thing I am learning to embrace is "my truth", that's a term I've used throughout my life, however these days it means more to me than ever before.  I completely understand what may be true for someone else may not be true for me and vice versa; yet I haven't always operated from that standpoint.  I've realized how that could cause confusion in manifesting my own wants, needs as well as desires.  However I've noticed once I made that change of focus things began to work out better for my interests than they had in the past.

As I battle with finding as well as maintaining inspiration, I will try to post more often; it is my desire to blog daily or at least weekly,  I'll make a better effort and see if anything changes.  On another note, I found myself in need of a muse, it seems the passion I had for writing may have diminished (a bit); I am slightly sure of the cause, however I do not know how to improve it.  I feel as if that part is out of my hands and is up to the Universe, fate, destiny and all of that to come into play.  I could be wrong, but for now I am willing to let go of any attempts to control the situation(s) surrounding these challenges.  I believe once the Cosmos settle down a bit (seeing that we are still in Pluto and Neptune Retrogrades) I am positive that has a  lot to do with the way things are flowing throughout my life as of late.  I have no desire to get into any of that in this post, but since I have therapy tomorrow, perhaps I will have more to write about in the days to come.

Goodnight.

Catching Up

I've been trying to think of something special to write since it's been so long since I've checked in.  As far as some of the things going on with me.  I guess I should announce that I've been accepted into College.  As I've written before that was an area that I've been avoiding for quite some time, mainly out of fear.  I feared getting started, yet I also feared the process as well as if I'd complete my goal.  I've somehow overcome those fears and decided that I must at least try.  Although I was somewhat worried I am happy with the School I've selected and I am looking forward to the journey ahead of me. Another goal I've made for myself is to shed these unwanted pounds,  I have begun a few dietary changes and I am looking forward to the results in the months to come.  

As my state of mind has changed a bit I hope to write more in the days to come.  Until then... Namaste