Due to various (personal) health issues I've decided to keep matters private; although I drafted the thoughts I thought it would be best to keep them to myself. At times that's where the challenge lies, seeing how the Blog is personal in nature and "detailing" my "growth"; I often times struggle with the amount of information about myself I'd like to share. I also deal with the issue of the narrative; making sure I'm not solely venting or over-sharing (you know how much I hate that). Not to mention various topics I've refused to discuss online.
This past few months have been strange. I don't know how much detail I'd like to go into, nevertheless, I find peace, happiness and at times bliss in the midst of the disorders, disappointments, conditions, issues and the like. That's the struggle; imagine being happy yet sad or overwhelmed yet bored. It's quite complex and confusing, especially as I attempt to navigate through my Mind, Emotions, Thoughts and Feelings all by my lonesome.
With Anxiety Disorder, Severe Depression along with other conditions, issues, and such I find myself struggling (often) to maintain happiness and sanity. I am in an unfamiliar phase of my journey. It hurts, it's enlightening as well as challenging. Recently, I found myself reflecting on some thoughts and realized how much I've transformed my thought pattern. It's been roughly a year and four months since I've seen a therapist aside from a few group meetings I am able to meet up with from time to time. So far I've been utilizing the techniques learned through my therapy sessions when I was first diagnosed in 2012. Trouble is, they aren't quite as effective as they were in the beginning stages of the "illnesses". I recently found myself depressed. Until now, I've chosen not to discuss it often; until the other day when I had a thought; although my intention is not to change anyone, I do realize that others find encouragement, inspiration, etc. from my experiences with similar situations. I thought to myself, is it delusional to primarily focus on the positive while avoiding the "low's" of life?
Then I run across various articles with the hopes to find comfort or soothing from the words of the author, yet find myself disappointed by the narrative. I find that a lot of people who write about Mental Illness write from a tone that does not serve me. Perhaps it is my Hyper-Sensitivity? I don't know, a day or two ago I read an article about curing Social Anxiety which brought up a condition referred to as Childhood Emotional Neglect; after finishing the article I began to question the writer's desired outcome for those who deal with those complex issues. Then I thought, why am I looking for someone to write my thoughts regarding my experience?
Good News, as of last week therapy is on the horizon; another issue I can't really discuss. In the past I'd leave the drafts in the box for other reasons, this time I don't completely know why I am choosing not to share. I've been reading a lot, especially regarding the illnesses I have and I have been extremely frustrated with the "cookie-cutter" approach to Mental Illness. Not that I have become an expert: however, dealing with mental illness daily opposed to studying mental illness for Education are quite different. Especially seeing how each individual copes with various things differently. In writing about my experience as well as reading various texts, articles, etc. I find myself wanting to write my book. I haven't begun the draft, yet I have a title and a special journal I've decorated and will begin when I feel the time is right. To my surprise the thought of starting sparked something. I am looking forward to the process yet a bit nervous for the outcome, guess that's where faith and patience comes in. Since I am in no rush, I intend to take my time and really put together something that I am proud and excited to share outside of Blogging.
In the meantime, I am going through the drafts and selecting which to delete and which to complete and share. I know I've said this countless times in previous posts, but I'd like to say once again; Thank you for taking the time to read the Blog and correspond in various ways. I feel as if I am not in this alone since I know there are those of you out there who express care, concern and empathy for the posts I have chosen to share as well as various social media outlets. I pray you find yourself in a pleasant space with loving energy despite circumstances and/or situations beyond our control.
Until next time... Love
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