Happy Sunday!

Pink Skies

There's a certain time of the day where the sky is pink, if I'm not mistaken this actually happens a few times during the day (in the morning as well as in the evening, around Sunset).  At times when I feel overwhelmed I look at the pink sky and know that everything is working out with my best interest in mind.  Yesterday, after a friend and I were headed to the airport, I looked at the road ahead and shared my thought, "I love when the sky is pink", without hesitation he said "it's the golden time of the day" and my heart melted.  I realized, for the millionth time since Christmas, that I need him, I love him, I've chosen him and I felt as if the sky, being the color of "pure love" was a confirmation of the feelings in my heart, head & soul.

I pray that I am not sharing these thoughts prematurely, however I understand that this is all apart of a journey and everyone has choices (damn free will) yet, I also believe that just because you make a different choice, doesn't mean it was the "right" path to take.  The movie, "The Matrix" comes to mind; red or blue pill, take a slide down the rabbit hole or go back to coloring inside the lines, making other people billionaires and living a mediocre life.  Not to say, there's anything even wrong with that choice.  I just know in my soul, that isn't the path for me, any longer.

Nevertheless, this is the man who introduced me to his family (mother & brothers) as "the woman I am going to marry", I told my Dad all about him and he's the first man who I want to introduce to my son as more than my friend.  See, up until this point my son only meets my friends, these are people (male and female) who I am not interested in a relationship with, so there's no chance of things not working out and a need to explain to my son why _______ wont be around anymore.   This entire experience is completely new to me, and as we exchanged our emotions prior to him leaving I expressed that to him.  Funny thing is, how much he truly knows me.  He remembers my "Ice Princess" years, when I was basically a man trapped in a womans body.  I had no emotions and I  refused to let anyone close to me.  So when I said to him, I dont do this, I've never done this before, I dont know what I'm doing.  He understood and felt compassion or empathy or something, then readjusted his stance on the topic which created friction in our otherwise perfect encounter.

He often sends songs to me, one inparticular expressed his intention for our future and as I am watching it all unfold, I am quite interested in seeing it all come together in whichever way it happens.  I recall playing the song for my "Big Sister" and her words to me were "plan a date!"; at the time I thought that was crazy however since then I've picked a date and written it down; I've also decided on a couple of locations which I will allow input on.  I can see it clearly and I believe he did/does too, especially after our first night together when we were sharing thoughts, dreams, ideas and many of ours were the completion of the others and he began to get "scared".  I felt as if we were a married couple and this was just our life.

I intend to continue my journey as the Creator guides my path, this seems like a beautiful life of acceptance, nurturing and elevation.  Let's see how it goes *fingers crossed*

I'm on "His Side"

Yesterday as I prepared for him to return home, my anxiety was at an all-time high.  I used all of my "de-stress" techniques in order to hold back the tears, yet somehow I almost didn't make it.  The fact that he knows me like no one else amazes me, I guess that's what happens after 10+ years of friendship.  Not just knowing someone for a long time, but REALLY listening and learning who that person is.  Over the course of the time spent together I'd been reminded of how much I let him into my heart.  Like, he knows my secrets, my flaws, my dreams, my silliness... he knows ME

 

As he gathered his belongings and we set out to take care of the few things left on his "to-do" list, I became distant.  He asked several times "what's on your mind?" my reply "nothing" yet we both knew there was a lot I wasn't saying, he just didn't know what it was exactly.  He accepted the fact that I chose not to share my thoughts and we tried to make the best of it.  Until we reach one of the destinations and I kind of "snapped", I began by saying "I've tried my best not to say anything...." he made sure to let me know that I didn't do a good job of hiding the fact that something was obviously bothering me.  We had a short fight or something, hmmm "emotional exchange" may be a good way to describe it. 

 

Our disagreement stemmed from the fact, he decides to leave certain thoughts out of his communication because he doesn't want to inconvenience me, yet he's driving himself crazy trying to figure out all of his details.  Well, anyone who knows me, knows that details are my specialty.  For him to exclude me after all that we've been through was a form of rejection, at least to me.  He then says "don't take it personally" which completely blew my mind, I said "how can I not take it personally when it's just me and you?"  we both expressed our views of the situation and found a compromise.  We went our separate ways and reconnected 2 hours later, both in a much better space.

 

Prior to him leaving I attempted to make arrangements to leave my house as well, I felt like I'd be sad or depressed if I stayed and he was no longer here.  None of my plans panned out so I decided not to force anything and to take direction from within, which lead me home.  I walked my house, then my bedroom and balcony where we'd shared conversation and laughs for the past four days and I could still smell him.  As flashbacks of our moments crossed my mind I sat on the empty side of my bed, the side that's never occupied, well until recently.  I've dubbed it "his side", it became clearer to me that he is the one I've chosen.  I've written about him before, I've tried with others and nothing worked, which I now understand why it didn't/hasn't.

 

I am currently on "his side" and I desire to remain (forever, figuratively), for now literally.

It’s good to feel you are close to me

It’s good to feel you are close to me in the night, love,
invisible in your sleep, intently nocturnal,
while I untangle my worries
as if they were twisted nets.

Withdrawn, your heart sails through dream,
but your body, relinquished so, breathes
seeking me without seeing me perfecting my dream
like a plant that seeds itself in the dark.

Rising, you will be that other, alive in the dawn,
but from the frontiers lost in the night,
from the presence and the absence where we meet ourselves,

something remains, drawing us into the light of life
as if the sign of the shadows had sealed
its secret creatures with flame.

Pablo Neruda