Yesterday as I prepared for him to return home, my anxiety was at an all-time high. I used all of my "de-stress" techniques in order to hold back the tears, yet somehow I almost didn't make it. The fact that he knows me like no one else amazes me, I guess that's what happens after 10+ years of friendship. Not just knowing someone for a long time, but REALLY listening and learning who that person is. Over the course of the time spent together I'd been reminded of how much I let him into my heart. Like, he knows my secrets, my flaws, my dreams, my silliness... he knows ME
As he gathered his belongings and we set out to take care of the few things left on his "to-do" list, I became distant. He asked several times "what's on your mind?" my reply "nothing" yet we both knew there was a lot I wasn't saying, he just didn't know what it was exactly. He accepted the fact that I chose not to share my thoughts and we tried to make the best of it. Until we reach one of the destinations and I kind of "snapped", I began by saying "I've tried my best not to say anything...." he made sure to let me know that I didn't do a good job of hiding the fact that something was obviously bothering me. We had a short fight or something, hmmm "emotional exchange" may be a good way to describe it.
Our disagreement stemmed from the fact, he decides to leave certain thoughts out of his communication because he doesn't want to inconvenience me, yet he's driving himself crazy trying to figure out all of his details. Well, anyone who knows me, knows that details are my specialty. For him to exclude me after all that we've been through was a form of rejection, at least to me. He then says "don't take it personally" which completely blew my mind, I said "how can I not take it personally when it's just me and you?" we both expressed our views of the situation and found a compromise. We went our separate ways and reconnected 2 hours later, both in a much better space.
Prior to him leaving I attempted to make arrangements to leave my house as well, I felt like I'd be sad or depressed if I stayed and he was no longer here. None of my plans panned out so I decided not to force anything and to take direction from within, which lead me home. I walked my house, then my bedroom and balcony where we'd shared conversation and laughs for the past four days and I could still smell him. As flashbacks of our moments crossed my mind I sat on the empty side of my bed, the side that's never occupied, well until recently. I've dubbed it "his side", it became clearer to me that he is the one I've chosen. I've written about him before, I've tried with others and nothing worked, which I now understand why it didn't/hasn't.
I am currently on "his side" and I desire to remain (forever, figuratively), for now literally.
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