My Life, In This Moment
As I shared my heart and shed tears, my therapist told me she has my back & she won't leave me to deal with this alone. It's a sad day when strangers care more than friends & family. #Empathy goes a long way. Glad to have the ones who care, the ones sent by The Lord and the God I love to help me find my way through.
Nights like this...
I'd like to take a trip to the Moon, as it's so big and bright in the sky. I have this feeling that I'd find acceptance and security along with the appearance of hope, and the promise of serenity.
The massive amount of feminine energy also implies comfort and safety which is exactly what I need on a night like this.
The massive amount of feminine energy also implies comfort and safety which is exactly what I need on a night like this.
Freedom
Last night I did everything I was supposed to do, ate dinner (I think), skipped the wine, took the appropriate medication, said my prayers, meditated then attempted to go to sleep. In that moment I felt afraid. I felt as if I'd go to sleep and may not wake up, I don't know if I've ever felt that before.
I awake with in a space of thankfulness as I wasn't confident that I'd see another day. Along with it I had the most intense migraine, the vibration was so strong all I could do was bury my head under the covers. Eventually I got up to make breakfast (oatmeal, muffin & orange juice) in order to take another dosage of pills. I feel an incredibly low energy, something I haven't felt in quite some time. I hate this feeling, and I rarely use the word "hate" to express my feelings for things.
Various times throughout the day between sleeping and praying I recall meditating on a strategy which will remove me from the space which creates this reaction in me. I recall how many times a certain someone has told me to "relax", he would say it as if it were the easiest thing to do. For some perhaps, but not everyone has that luxury. My annoyance with him stems from the appearance that he takes nothing seriously, always nonchalant about everything. That is until he realizes how close he is to losing it, then for a moment he shows his passionate side, but it's fleeting.
As for me, I pray, meditate, discovered various hobbies to relieve stress as well as the exercises and techniques I'd adapted through therapy. Trouble is, the migraines are coming stronger and more frequently. I've never experienced anything like this before, not to mention the medicated state of being; I can not deal! I'm ready to cleanse and reclaim my body and mind, yet that would be pointless if the environment and need for medication isn't removed.
I pray to regain my freedom, I feel as if I am being held captive by these things which are being expressed through my body and although I make my best effort to remain positive and feed my spirit with the right foods, books, conversations and programs something is still coming though creating pain and disharmony. I don't know how to fix this, but I feel as if the currents are trying to carry me away into a space I don't want to be. And then the tears begin to fall....
At times it's as if the dream I see feels more and more possible the foolishness, tears, migraines and anxiety are becoming worse. I don't completely know how to process this, although I wish I could fast forward to the "promised land" and bypass the discomfort I am experiencing now, I know that is unrealistic, selfish and self-centered so I don't include that non-sense in my prayers.
I just want to return to a space where I am free to exercise, free from migraines, free from anxiety, free from prescription medication. Actually I desire the space where I am free to be ME, unapologetically. Free to live my dreams and design the life which will contribute to the world and sets my family (by blood as well as by spirit) to the heights where we truly were born to be.
I awake with in a space of thankfulness as I wasn't confident that I'd see another day. Along with it I had the most intense migraine, the vibration was so strong all I could do was bury my head under the covers. Eventually I got up to make breakfast (oatmeal, muffin & orange juice) in order to take another dosage of pills. I feel an incredibly low energy, something I haven't felt in quite some time. I hate this feeling, and I rarely use the word "hate" to express my feelings for things.
Various times throughout the day between sleeping and praying I recall meditating on a strategy which will remove me from the space which creates this reaction in me. I recall how many times a certain someone has told me to "relax", he would say it as if it were the easiest thing to do. For some perhaps, but not everyone has that luxury. My annoyance with him stems from the appearance that he takes nothing seriously, always nonchalant about everything. That is until he realizes how close he is to losing it, then for a moment he shows his passionate side, but it's fleeting.
As for me, I pray, meditate, discovered various hobbies to relieve stress as well as the exercises and techniques I'd adapted through therapy. Trouble is, the migraines are coming stronger and more frequently. I've never experienced anything like this before, not to mention the medicated state of being; I can not deal! I'm ready to cleanse and reclaim my body and mind, yet that would be pointless if the environment and need for medication isn't removed.
I pray to regain my freedom, I feel as if I am being held captive by these things which are being expressed through my body and although I make my best effort to remain positive and feed my spirit with the right foods, books, conversations and programs something is still coming though creating pain and disharmony. I don't know how to fix this, but I feel as if the currents are trying to carry me away into a space I don't want to be. And then the tears begin to fall....
At times it's as if the dream I see feels more and more possible the foolishness, tears, migraines and anxiety are becoming worse. I don't completely know how to process this, although I wish I could fast forward to the "promised land" and bypass the discomfort I am experiencing now, I know that is unrealistic, selfish and self-centered so I don't include that non-sense in my prayers.
I just want to return to a space where I am free to exercise, free from migraines, free from anxiety, free from prescription medication. Actually I desire the space where I am free to be ME, unapologetically. Free to live my dreams and design the life which will contribute to the world and sets my family (by blood as well as by spirit) to the heights where we truly were born to be.
Junkie Days
I woke up Sunday morning with a burst of energy, I allowed myself to sleep in and I actually felt rested. Once I completed my morning prayer and meditation I got out of bed to prepare myself for my run, I'd decided I'd head to the store and pick up a few items that I needed in order to "kill two birds with one stone", As I journey home from my adventure I start to go over the day's agenda in my head.
- Shower
- Church
- Riding (I'd begun Horseback Riding as one of many stress relievers)
- Prepare for Work
As I get closer to home I notice I now have a headache, I attempt to get myself together for church and notice it's getting worse so I opt out of morning service, convince myself to take a nap and perhaps I'd feel better in time for evening service. WRONG! Now I am stuck in bed with a pounding headache and I am out of my prescription. I remember I placed an order for refills online and just needed to pick them up, however I am unable to drive anywhere. Finally I am able to regroup, I run a few errands and end up at the pharmacy, I think to myself "perfect, now I can pop these pills and I'll be fine by morning". That would've happened had the Pharmacist actually put ALL of my medications in the bag
-blank stare-
So it's morning and the migraine is still here, I proceed to head to "The Land of the Lost" yet once I get there I cant get out of the car, then the tears came. There's some type of migraine-anxiety hybrid situation happening and I feel like I am having a melt down. I decide to head to the doctor and figure out a way to "fix" my issues. In the process I call my therapist as I feel completely broken and the thought or fact that I actually need to take pills in order to cope with my day/life troubles me. I've expressed to my therapist how I feel about taking "drugs", the fact that I need medication frightens me. I've witnessed someone who has a shit load of medications for everything under the Sun, and how the side effects of one pill causes them to need several others to "repair" the damage being done. This does not even include the transformation I've witnessed in my mother due to her drug usage. So for me to HAVE to take pills for things is quite unsettling for me. I'd much rather eliminate the cause of these issues rather than medicate myself in an attempt to cope with anxiety and migraines and the other issues which seem to increase by the week.
I've worked so hard to get my body in the condition where I am happy and it is healthy, not to mention my lifestyle and exercise changes over the past year. I feel as if all of my efforts are being derailed by these substances which effect me in a way which I can not always control. I was completely emotional today, with random tears for no good reason, not to mention the desire for comfort because I feel as if I am going "crazy". Then I feel a way about admitting that because I know that I am not SUPPOSED to, yet don't crazy people take a shit load of medications? I feel as if I need to take control of this situation before it leads me to a road that I do not want to travel, the road where I've seen my mother and her mother take and the outcome of those situations.
I've expressed to my therapist quite a few times how I feel being on "drugs" and my goal is to make sure this isn't a permanent thing. I believe the worst part is fending for myself while I am in this space which seems so helpless, and that's a post within itself. I am praying for the day that I feel completely whole again, no migraines or anxiety and I can be completely myself, no medications required. Until then, I will deal, continue to "cope" and work on ways to eliminate the cause of these issues.
Mercury Retrograde
For some reason I rarely pay attention to it's arrival, I just know that something is "off" in my communication. Especially with certain people, I'd realize the breakdown and once things were back to "normal" I'd excuse the miscommunication and blame it all on Mercury and it's reverse travels. Well not this time, I realize that although the "Cosmos" weren't quite aligned the way I'd like them to be, the interaction with some people wasn't that great when Mercury was on the straight and narrow.
As the usual New Year's Resolution time is approaching, I've come to terms with the idea that some people may not make it into 2013 with me. This time not because I've deleted them, changed my number or said anything reckless, but simply because we don't want the same things. We aren't on the same path and our interaction leads to frustration and stress, all of which I am not in a space to accept or tolerate any longer. As I deal with some pretty major changes in my life I recognize that I cant allow the context in which others would like to operate have such a hold on me. As much as I can be everyone else's cheerleader and support system, I realize that of all people I need me to be there for me the most. Mainly, because when I have my "Vampire Days", "Dragon Days" and/or "Junkie Days" most times I am dealing with those things alone. Not many people are calling to check on me or make sure I have the things that I need or that I am "okay", so as the days go on if I am not taking the time to check in with myself who knows how I'd end up.
To say that I am glad Mercury went direct today is an understatement, I am ecstatic! And to know there will be a Full Moon Eclipse on Wednesday, November 28, 2012, I am "over the moon". I had the idea that I would go to the beach and meditate, something about "Mermaid Life" and the energy I feel; it just seems so necessary. I am expecting some things to shift in my life and I know change is on the horizon, so it is important for me to position myself as well as remain aware and alert to each opportunity which may present itself. I believe I am ready, and although this particular retrograde was a bit harder than the others, I believe it has been most beneficial in its own way... I suppose time will tell, until then I'll be on Venus (where I belong).
I always forget
Mercury Retrograde, Nov 6 - 26, 2012
This is a retrograde when you might lose sight of the shore, as insight comes in that takes time to integrate. Layers of reality can be revealed that are shocking or unlock what's been too painful to deal with. The gifts come later, with wisdom and a full sense of the big picture.
What happens?:
Mercury is the messenger, and in this time, legend has it that mail vanishes en route. Some people find that their computers go on the fritz or phone lines go down. If you're at all jittery about it, go ahead and back up your important files. That's always a good idea anyway, right?
A Time-Out:
Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old ground again, to claim what you missed the first time.
Err on Side of Caution:
There's a long-held belief that it's best to avoid making set plans during the Mercury Retrograde. This means holding off on signing contracts, and forming partnerships and alliances. What gets put in writing at this time may turn out to need serious revising after Mercury goes direct. But since tying up loose ends is the domain of retrograde, this type of finalization might fly.
Can you repeat that?:
In our relationships, sometimes we gloss over things that pushed buttons at the time, but which we let slide. What seemed not worth the trouble may reveal itself as a major issue in need of our attention. The Mercury retrograde is a time for review, when the underlying patterns come to light.
Back to the Drawing Board:
Some dreams and goals get lost in the hectic rushing around of daily life. The Mercury Retrograde period can be a rich time of reflection on those longings. This makes it a time for the soul to ponder its destiny. You might look over old journals, review your creative work, muse on serendipities of the past that have pointed you toward your spirit's calling. It can make the retrograde period a time of solidifying a sense of your personal story and where you're headed.
What does it mean in each different sign?:
The Mercury retrograde is shaped by the sign through which it is cast. For example, a Mercury retrograde in Cancer turns the mind toward things like family, home and the invisible emotional bonds that connect us. On the other hand, a Mercury retrograde in Aquarius gives it a different spin, with a review of group dynamics, the larger human community, all from a detached perspective.
Making the Most of Mercury Retrograde:
Astrology is a tool that can make you aware of patterns, like those that come during a Mercury retrograde. Just observe and see what happens, and be open to the past returning for review. If it's coming back, there's likely something more to learn or release from it. You don't have to retreat to the zen monastery, but a little solitude and quiet reflection never hurt anybody
For More Info:
http://astrology.about.com/od/MercuryRetrogradeNews/qt/Mercury-Retrograde-Nov-2012.htm
If only it were possible
One of my favorite movies, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was inspired by the poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope. The piece which I guess inspired the movie states:
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
I remember stumbling upon it after it came out, I'm not sure how well it did in theaters, but even today when I mention it most have never heard of it. It's basically about a couple and the ups and downs of a relationship. Somehow the leading lady discovers a procedure where you can have all of your "unwanted" memories erased. Later, the leading man discovers this and opts to do the same, surprisingly there's a twist at the end. I won't give it away in case someone decides to check it out.
Anyway, there are days sometimes, it's just one and other times the thought occupies my mind for an extended period. I wish it were possible to have my memories erased and the hurt, pain and disappointment are removed from my thoughts as well as my heart. To be in an eternal space of sunshine, imagine that.
On the contrary, if that were the case what would I have to blog about?
only when I'm lonely
I used to believe he was "the one" however the path he chose and the choices he's made won't allow us to be together. I no longer hold it against him, in all honestly how could I? Sometimes I even understand on a certain level why he is the way he is; other times it baffles me.
I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me".
This time I tried for as long as I could, to go without contacting him, then I realized we were SUPPOSED to be friends despite the other foolishness that hasn't worked out. Yet it's one of the rare occasions where he chooses not to respond to any of my "friendly" messages, he's waiting for the one which let's him know he still has my heart. He knows how much I hate when he does that, mainly because it makes me miss him so much more. In this moment I actually need him, since he's the only one I believe when he assures me that "everything will be okay". He allows me to rest in the space on his shoulder with my face buried in his neck and he holds me until I actually believe it will be okay.
Recently my thoughts have been on him, mainly for my own selfish reasons, on some level I pray he never responds so this bond or whatever it is can be broken for good. Yet in my moment of loneliness, which doesn't happen often; I wish he'd respond and spend that quality time that I need so I'll believe that I'll be okay.
I am not completely myself with him so although we've known one another for almost a decade, he doesn't REALLY know me, especially the person I am now compared to the last "me" he interacted with. I will admit, it would be nice to see him however I don't truly know if I really want to.
It concerns me how thoughts of him confuse me, my head and heart are always on the opposite side of the fence when he's the subject. However, today as I try to relax and prepare myself for the week while fighting off a migraine and tears, I want nothing more than a message in my inbox and his words to say that he's on his way. But, I don't know which part of me desires that as well as if its healthy, necessary or in my best interest.
So I will do nothing. I guess admitting this is the first step, I pray eventually this won't happen anymore. Then I will be completely over my past and ready to accept a future which doesn't include the unhealthy game we've played for far too long.
Loneliness is a very dangerous space to dwell, if you allow it to linger. The fact that someone is blasting Sade isn't helping, nevertheless I will not sink into the space that its trying to take me. Decisions made from temporary emotions are often poor in nature and will not serve you long term. Honestly, they often derail or disrupt the progress or at times unravel things at the very end of the journey. You know, when those skeletons start falling out of the closet.
I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me".
This time I tried for as long as I could, to go without contacting him, then I realized we were SUPPOSED to be friends despite the other foolishness that hasn't worked out. Yet it's one of the rare occasions where he chooses not to respond to any of my "friendly" messages, he's waiting for the one which let's him know he still has my heart. He knows how much I hate when he does that, mainly because it makes me miss him so much more. In this moment I actually need him, since he's the only one I believe when he assures me that "everything will be okay". He allows me to rest in the space on his shoulder with my face buried in his neck and he holds me until I actually believe it will be okay.
Recently my thoughts have been on him, mainly for my own selfish reasons, on some level I pray he never responds so this bond or whatever it is can be broken for good. Yet in my moment of loneliness, which doesn't happen often; I wish he'd respond and spend that quality time that I need so I'll believe that I'll be okay.
I am not completely myself with him so although we've known one another for almost a decade, he doesn't REALLY know me, especially the person I am now compared to the last "me" he interacted with. I will admit, it would be nice to see him however I don't truly know if I really want to.
It concerns me how thoughts of him confuse me, my head and heart are always on the opposite side of the fence when he's the subject. However, today as I try to relax and prepare myself for the week while fighting off a migraine and tears, I want nothing more than a message in my inbox and his words to say that he's on his way. But, I don't know which part of me desires that as well as if its healthy, necessary or in my best interest.
So I will do nothing. I guess admitting this is the first step, I pray eventually this won't happen anymore. Then I will be completely over my past and ready to accept a future which doesn't include the unhealthy game we've played for far too long.
Loneliness is a very dangerous space to dwell, if you allow it to linger. The fact that someone is blasting Sade isn't helping, nevertheless I will not sink into the space that its trying to take me. Decisions made from temporary emotions are often poor in nature and will not serve you long term. Honestly, they often derail or disrupt the progress or at times unravel things at the very end of the journey. You know, when those skeletons start falling out of the closet.
The Three of Me
Mind
Body
Soul (Spirit)
Often the mind tries to protect me while the body seeks comfort and pleasure; the challenge comes when my spirit doesn't agree with the mind and/or the body.
I've recently made the conscious effort to find a space of harmony where all three are on "one accord". Realizing how difficult that could be within myself, I now find it amazing to obtain this space with another being. Not until recently have I allowed my imagination to dwell in the fantasy of a relationship or marriage. To be quite honest I feared that space, I never thought it would be possible for me. Although I've been asked several times and had the conversations, I knew on some level they wouldn't lead to "I do".
I suppose, now that I truly realize the actual possibility of this desire, I am forced to face some ideas, patterns and beliefs which may derail my journey. The funny thing about it all is, I enjoy being single (most days). I am proud of the fact that I've refused to settle for less than my dream all for the sake of saying "my husband". When I utter those words, I want to light up, I want the world to see my love for him at the mere mention of his name/title. I think it may be easy for people to assume that since I've become a certain age, my biological clock MUST be ticking and I'm desperate to drag some guy down the aisle. On the contrary, I am in no rush, for the fact that I want to do this once. I desire for the mate of my soul to find me, we'll establish what's to come and put forth the necessary effort to make it so. Until then I've decided to be more social, spread my wings (not my legs) and enjoy my single life.
I have a feeling great things are in store and I will make my best effort, moment by moment to make sure "we" are in the right space to take advantage of every opportunity available. Something about 2013 plus Capricorn Season approaching, I feel the vibration and it's been a bit surreal, to say that I am excited would be an understatement.
However I am doing my work to prepare myself; mind, body and soul.
Body
Soul (Spirit)
Often the mind tries to protect me while the body seeks comfort and pleasure; the challenge comes when my spirit doesn't agree with the mind and/or the body.
I've recently made the conscious effort to find a space of harmony where all three are on "one accord". Realizing how difficult that could be within myself, I now find it amazing to obtain this space with another being. Not until recently have I allowed my imagination to dwell in the fantasy of a relationship or marriage. To be quite honest I feared that space, I never thought it would be possible for me. Although I've been asked several times and had the conversations, I knew on some level they wouldn't lead to "I do".
I suppose, now that I truly realize the actual possibility of this desire, I am forced to face some ideas, patterns and beliefs which may derail my journey. The funny thing about it all is, I enjoy being single (most days). I am proud of the fact that I've refused to settle for less than my dream all for the sake of saying "my husband". When I utter those words, I want to light up, I want the world to see my love for him at the mere mention of his name/title. I think it may be easy for people to assume that since I've become a certain age, my biological clock MUST be ticking and I'm desperate to drag some guy down the aisle. On the contrary, I am in no rush, for the fact that I want to do this once. I desire for the mate of my soul to find me, we'll establish what's to come and put forth the necessary effort to make it so. Until then I've decided to be more social, spread my wings (not my legs) and enjoy my single life.
I have a feeling great things are in store and I will make my best effort, moment by moment to make sure "we" are in the right space to take advantage of every opportunity available. Something about 2013 plus Capricorn Season approaching, I feel the vibration and it's been a bit surreal, to say that I am excited would be an understatement.
However I am doing my work to prepare myself; mind, body and soul.
Random Thoughts
What if we were actually as we pretended to be? How different would our lives reflect our words?
What if we took off our masks and allowed our inner child to run free?
How about if we stopped caring what other people thought about our choices and took a leap of faith into the dream we talk ourselves out of following?
What if we did the "nice" things for others without a thought of keeping score or rewards? Just the knowledge of bringing someone a bit of happiness.
What if we actually listened rather than just waited for our turn to talk?
What are your "what if's"? How would your life be different if you took the what if away and just did those things?
What if we took off our masks and allowed our inner child to run free?
How about if we stopped caring what other people thought about our choices and took a leap of faith into the dream we talk ourselves out of following?
What if we did the "nice" things for others without a thought of keeping score or rewards? Just the knowledge of bringing someone a bit of happiness.
What if we actually listened rather than just waited for our turn to talk?
What are your "what if's"? How would your life be different if you took the what if away and just did those things?
In this moment.... My Thoughts
I often have thoughts, beliefs, opinions or whatever you'd like to categorize them as that will ruffle feathers. For some reason and I'm not completely sure why, I choose to keep them to myself. I guess it's out of fear that I'd hurt someone's feelings or that it's just me and my "unattainable" set of standards as others have said. Or perhaps because when I speak my piece to some I am often called an "asshole" or informed that I am being "mean". Yet, when I'm encouraging or giving words which co-signs their thoughts and opinions then everything is fine lol.
True, my standards are high, for myself and for those in my circle. I'm not sure if that's wrong or not. I understand "live and let live", but what if the living is below their potential? Do you say nothing and allow them to continue in the mundane? I don't know about you, but I want to be great. I want to live abundantly with everything that God has for me. Unlike some/many/most people, I want those around me to live the same way. Trouble comes when I say things that may hit a soft spot and the defenses come up.
I'm finding myself in a space now where I no longer wish to keep these thoughts to myself, I've gone far too long censoring myself and I understand how that has not served me. I also realize how often I censor my posts and the number that remain in the draft. This also must change! I believe somewhere along the way this may be a part of my journey and in order to get where I desire to be I must say and do all that is in my heart to say/do.
Lesson Learned
"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, then it isn’t worth having.”
copied from @TheLoveAid
copied from @TheLoveAid
Fade to Black
Last weekend while visiting family I had a moment of sadness, I confided in my cousin who has become my "love guru". As I allowed a part of the "old" me to hold back the tears, I expressed to her how after my interaction with a certain someone I seem to feel sad. She explained to me how that is an unhealthy situation to be in and I should not allow anyone to alter my energy in a way which is not positive. I agreed completely and promptly deleted his information. The remainder of the evening, the sadness lingered. Of course the last thing I need in my current state is to allow sadness to set in as I'm fighting depression. I refused to return to that space, I'm doing everything I can and to be honest it gets hard sometimes. It would be so easy to press snooze rather than run or hike or clean my house, but when I slept and/or drank my life away I was miserable! However as I drove home and throughout the evening I was reminded of various things he'd expressed through our MANY arguments, so the first thing the next day I search through my cell bill online for his number and re-enter his information in my phone.
He's expressed to me several times how it feels when he learns that I've deleted him. It's usually followed by a number change however once we began speaking again over the Summer I finally heard what he'd been saying. I then promised him that I wouldn't delete him again, I also promised not to "run away". I've made every effort to "Start Over" (Beyonce, 4) and with the exception of the brief deletion I've kept them. However he hasn't kept his to me.
As I typed in "Venus vs. Mars", I hoped we would've figured something out. I put my pride and ego on the shelf and attempted to coordinate our schedules, every offer I made he had a "reason" why it didn't work, and I remained understanding. The one day he was available I have a million things to do, however as my day progressed I figured a way to make time for him, he doesn't respond. So you'd think I've had enough rejection for one week, right? Lol of course NOT, I come up with the bright idea to invite him over for Thanksgiving. He doesn't even have the balls to respond. So now I'm sadder and disappointed, not because he didn't come, but because he didn't even have the decency to decline. At the beginning of the week I started a post titled "Back to Black", I'd remembered my promises to him, along with the awful interaction which was Thanksgiving 2011 and I was determined to give my last "balls to the wall", "go hard or go home" type of effort to restoring our energy. I'd thought that was what we both wanted; yet words are one thing and actions are screaming a different message. So now as I am aware this treatment is absolutely unacceptable I also realize that there's no need to change my number or delete contacts, I've done everything I could do. This time if he decides to inform me of my "childish", "bratty" antics or how I "run away" I'll know in my heart this situation is like beating a dead horse.
So, Dear Sir,
You have the green light, GO!
Sincerely,
...
He's expressed to me several times how it feels when he learns that I've deleted him. It's usually followed by a number change however once we began speaking again over the Summer I finally heard what he'd been saying. I then promised him that I wouldn't delete him again, I also promised not to "run away". I've made every effort to "Start Over" (Beyonce, 4) and with the exception of the brief deletion I've kept them. However he hasn't kept his to me.
As I typed in "Venus vs. Mars", I hoped we would've figured something out. I put my pride and ego on the shelf and attempted to coordinate our schedules, every offer I made he had a "reason" why it didn't work, and I remained understanding. The one day he was available I have a million things to do, however as my day progressed I figured a way to make time for him, he doesn't respond. So you'd think I've had enough rejection for one week, right? Lol of course NOT, I come up with the bright idea to invite him over for Thanksgiving. He doesn't even have the balls to respond. So now I'm sadder and disappointed, not because he didn't come, but because he didn't even have the decency to decline. At the beginning of the week I started a post titled "Back to Black", I'd remembered my promises to him, along with the awful interaction which was Thanksgiving 2011 and I was determined to give my last "balls to the wall", "go hard or go home" type of effort to restoring our energy. I'd thought that was what we both wanted; yet words are one thing and actions are screaming a different message. So now as I am aware this treatment is absolutely unacceptable I also realize that there's no need to change my number or delete contacts, I've done everything I could do. This time if he decides to inform me of my "childish", "bratty" antics or how I "run away" I'll know in my heart this situation is like beating a dead horse.
So, Dear Sir,
You have the green light, GO!
Sincerely,
...
I work best
When I am in an environment that encourages achievement. Especially with fellow over achievers or people who appreciate the Type- A personality.
"I'm Different"
How many times have we fallen for that lie? I'm not sure if its ego, narcissism or the truth; or perhaps a combination of them all. The other evening during a text conversation I came to a realization about myself, 1. I actually grew up with my father, most women were raised single parent with mother and/or grandmother. 2. My Dad was a huge influence and participant in how I was raised, so I learned how to be a woman by a man. 3. I actually paid attention to the examples around me.
I remember my first BFF, we met when I was 5 and she was 6. Then we're in High School and she takes a turn for disaster. She no longer cared about our pact to abstinence or anything else we had in common. Now she just wants to talk about boys and foolishness; all this because her parents are getting a divorce. Next thing I know she's the talk of our circle and the pedestal she was on came crumbling down. Throughout those years I went through it with these chicks and the problems were always different with the ones without Dad's versus those with them. Funny thing, I recall not so long ago, I believe part of where I lost myself was when I stopped speaking to my Father. My choices in men were different, my standards were a bit below the bar, not to mention my appearance. Now that we are in great energy, I feel stronger to The Core. He says the perfect thing right when I need it and he allows me to take care of him.
I remember the Summer I moved with him (see, "Teenage Adventures"), I prepared dinner and cleaned our home. Over time I learned how he'd like things exactly and I made sure it remained that way. He was always appreciative, no matter how big or small my efforts were. We listened to music, watched Football on Sunday and had various adventures to the pool hall and shooting range. We were always close, but now we're friends. He taught me loyalty, I remember one of his friends did something shady so when we saw him he tried to get me on his side with some type of gift or money or something and I made it clear, I'm always on my Daddy's side! I understood when the men are discussing business you leave the room. No matter where he lives or what type of car he drives he remains humble, always acknowledging God and referring to himself as a King and his domain is his castle.
I remember his first business, he showed me everything. He taught me how to make money, by using my mind, talents and gifts (never my body). He encouraged every hobby I even thought I wanted to try, from the drill team to tap dancing, softball, tennis, gymnastics, even today as I tell him about my first motorcycle ride. One of my uncle's died in a motorcycle accident so it's a soft spot for him, actually today (well yesterday) was the first time he REALLY talked to me about it. So imagine his feelings about his first born riding a motorcycle, but he accepts my interest in it. Even as far as my last conversation with "The Newbie", he kept speaking to me very recklessly at one point going as far as to say "What makes you special?" followed by various curse words. I warned him for the last time to watch his mouth towards me. See there's something about knowing that my Dad will protect me makes me know my worth and that I don't have to settle for someone who can't or won't do for me what my Dad has done. It also made it all the more necessary to stay on my path, my poor decision with this guy plus his disrespectful antics and reckless mouth could have really gone to another level had I told my Dad more than the highlights of how I'd been treated. Even with the basics I could see things going left, so I told him not to worry, I'll take care of it. Which I did.
Often times when dealing with men they always doubt me, or they have this weird resentment. I remember one of the "Rebound Guys" used to complain because it appeared that everything always goes my way, then when I speak up when things aren't meeting my expectations and I leave they are always confused. It's the same conversation where they're saying "I didn't know" and my response is "I told you how I am and you didn't believe me". They never believe that I'm different until its too late.
I remember my first BFF, we met when I was 5 and she was 6. Then we're in High School and she takes a turn for disaster. She no longer cared about our pact to abstinence or anything else we had in common. Now she just wants to talk about boys and foolishness; all this because her parents are getting a divorce. Next thing I know she's the talk of our circle and the pedestal she was on came crumbling down. Throughout those years I went through it with these chicks and the problems were always different with the ones without Dad's versus those with them. Funny thing, I recall not so long ago, I believe part of where I lost myself was when I stopped speaking to my Father. My choices in men were different, my standards were a bit below the bar, not to mention my appearance. Now that we are in great energy, I feel stronger to The Core. He says the perfect thing right when I need it and he allows me to take care of him.
I remember the Summer I moved with him (see, "Teenage Adventures"), I prepared dinner and cleaned our home. Over time I learned how he'd like things exactly and I made sure it remained that way. He was always appreciative, no matter how big or small my efforts were. We listened to music, watched Football on Sunday and had various adventures to the pool hall and shooting range. We were always close, but now we're friends. He taught me loyalty, I remember one of his friends did something shady so when we saw him he tried to get me on his side with some type of gift or money or something and I made it clear, I'm always on my Daddy's side! I understood when the men are discussing business you leave the room. No matter where he lives or what type of car he drives he remains humble, always acknowledging God and referring to himself as a King and his domain is his castle.
I remember his first business, he showed me everything. He taught me how to make money, by using my mind, talents and gifts (never my body). He encouraged every hobby I even thought I wanted to try, from the drill team to tap dancing, softball, tennis, gymnastics, even today as I tell him about my first motorcycle ride. One of my uncle's died in a motorcycle accident so it's a soft spot for him, actually today (well yesterday) was the first time he REALLY talked to me about it. So imagine his feelings about his first born riding a motorcycle, but he accepts my interest in it. Even as far as my last conversation with "The Newbie", he kept speaking to me very recklessly at one point going as far as to say "What makes you special?" followed by various curse words. I warned him for the last time to watch his mouth towards me. See there's something about knowing that my Dad will protect me makes me know my worth and that I don't have to settle for someone who can't or won't do for me what my Dad has done. It also made it all the more necessary to stay on my path, my poor decision with this guy plus his disrespectful antics and reckless mouth could have really gone to another level had I told my Dad more than the highlights of how I'd been treated. Even with the basics I could see things going left, so I told him not to worry, I'll take care of it. Which I did.
Often times when dealing with men they always doubt me, or they have this weird resentment. I remember one of the "Rebound Guys" used to complain because it appeared that everything always goes my way, then when I speak up when things aren't meeting my expectations and I leave they are always confused. It's the same conversation where they're saying "I didn't know" and my response is "I told you how I am and you didn't believe me". They never believe that I'm different until its too late.
A gift & A curse
Very often my Dad says the craziest shit to me, I honestly used to think he was crazy. He started talking to me about boys when I was probably 8 or 9, I'd say "eww, Daddy I don't even like boys" and he'd always respond "one day you will". Now I speak with him about the men in my life and I express my thoughts and feelings about each of them. Randomly, he'll ask me for updates or he'll point out when I haven't mentioned someone. I recall a few conversations recently where he expressed that he didn't like my ex, although he never met him. He'd been fed information from someone with ulterior motives, luckily I was able to provide some facts and help him see this person for who he is. In the event he finds himself in the mix, I don't want my Father to have ill feelings for him. Since my Dad's opinion means a lot to me, I understand how that would create disharmony in my situation if I didn't nip it in the bud now.
So we're running errands and he needs to make a stop, he looks at me and expressed how all of his friends are pimps. I say, "Daddy, I know. I don't judge you" and he went on to say that he knows that, he was informing me this time a bit differently than the times before. So he says that his friends may see me and find interest as well as me being interested in return, he then went on to express how some of their daughters are/ have presented themselves. So I explain to him that it didn't matter, I would never put myself in a position where someone would have the upper hand on my Dad. To be able to say that they "had" his daughter or anything else out of line. That's always been the rule, even though no one told me to be that way, I just knew my cousin's, uncle's, hell all of my male family members friends were off limits.
I recall for years he'd tell me, "I don't care what you do, or who you're with, just don't be stupid". I was taught by example that when I'm with a man, my purse shouldn't open. My dad would make sure I was taken care of, and at Christmas he'd walk in the mall and he'd say "get what you want" we ended up with bags on bags on bags! There was no Santa story, my Daddy was/is Santa all year long.
I mentioned in another post of how he and I had an incident and I'd stop speaking to him for years. As I found myself in the same scenario I made sure that there was a clear understanding and expectations were set up front. Everything works out perfectly, so as I reflect on the "then and now" I see the valuable lesson I learned along with the huge void in my life where his presence and "gifts" were missing. My Daddy was teaching me how to avoid the pitfall of the type who sucker women out of their money. I recall an instance after that with the one who used to occupy the majority of my posts. Throughout the years he needed to borrow money from me, as a friend I assisted how I could, but he'd take FOREVERRRR to pay me back. As far as I'd always have to mention it, which of course made things awkward. Well the last instance was him harassing me to visit him, I finally said okay and prepared myself for the trip. Weeks prior to my departure I had gotten extremely sick and no one knew what the cause was. I vomited for a month, seriously, and the doctors had no clue why. Eventually everyone convinced me I was pregnant although I knew I wasn't. I remembered the last time we were together and the months calculated accurately, so I tell him of the possibility and he's actually calm. Too calm, I'm freaking out which makes the symptoms worse. So finally about a week before the trip I find out officially that I am not pregnant (another family member was), they claimed it was high blood pressure although I was never diagnosed. Yet as I'm going through all of that he has some sob story and needs to borrow money. Of course I send it with the expectation of getting it back before I left. He doesn't mention it and neither do I, the trip started out pleasant then the awkwardness sets in. I'm slowly getting annoyed with everything he says and does then I begin to question why I even like him as well as "why am I here"?
So the next day he wants to show me around the city. As we're driving around he mentions how he took his ex around and she was taking pictures of the street signs and dumb shit like that. I then mentioned to him my various travels and he shut up. I now understand he was recognizing the differences between me and the woman he'd chosen and divorced a few months later. So his idea of showing me around was to look for rental property and cars, as "the brat" came out he soon changed the scenery. I later find out that he'd planned a trip to Cali not even a week after I am here, which means I REALLY didn't need to come. The reason he was coming back was because his ex wife either bought or co-signed a car for him and he was behind on the payments. So he needed to return it or it would be repossessed if they located it. I think he even hinted to me about giving him the money, but I'm not completely sure.
Now I'm beyond annoyed and I'm ready to go! I'd also learned that a few days before my arrival he had surgery so as I'm trying to pamper him, he continues to tell me that he doesn't need my help with anything. Somewhere between day 1 and day 2 he'd taken his medication for the pain and unleashed his heart. I'd finally gotten to the Core. I was freaked out for a second then morning comes and he was right back to the bullshit. The morning of my departure I was in such a weird space I'd made my period come early. Now on top of everything else I'm pissed! Then he makes me miss my flight and its just too much, I cried the entire way home. The entire trip was a major waste of time and money, but the awakening was priceless.
Not only did he marry this girl because she was pregnant; she also had material qualities that I lack(ed) at the time, so she has a house and a Lexus -blank stare- and she obviously used her credit to assist him with getting a car. However soon after he married her he was made aware that she doesn't cook, won't clean, doesn't have the same sex drive and refused to help with the child he had prior to meeting her. A few months later he realized his mistake and popped up at my house, I expressed to him that I didn't want to hear his complaints. I pointed out that he made his choice so he needed to deal with it or get out of it, as he moved closer to me I moved away stating that we could've been happy together, but he thought the grass was greener. As he didn't seem to take my resistance well it was time to put him out. Although he knew I had the qualities he needed, he chose someone who was willing to pay in order to have a man available and he know that I wasn't going for that.
Now don't get me wrong, I know how to hold MY man down once it's established that we are in this together. But I'm not here for the co-sign life, in my mind, the man is the provider so he should conduct himself as such. I guess when you're looking for a benefactor you fail to care if the "wife" gene is anywhere in the mix. Either way, I'm grateful for what my Dad has instilled in me, at times it's been said that I'm "too much like a ni**a", but in all honestly I guess I'd prefer that over being a weak chick.
So we're running errands and he needs to make a stop, he looks at me and expressed how all of his friends are pimps. I say, "Daddy, I know. I don't judge you" and he went on to say that he knows that, he was informing me this time a bit differently than the times before. So he says that his friends may see me and find interest as well as me being interested in return, he then went on to express how some of their daughters are/ have presented themselves. So I explain to him that it didn't matter, I would never put myself in a position where someone would have the upper hand on my Dad. To be able to say that they "had" his daughter or anything else out of line. That's always been the rule, even though no one told me to be that way, I just knew my cousin's, uncle's, hell all of my male family members friends were off limits.
I recall for years he'd tell me, "I don't care what you do, or who you're with, just don't be stupid". I was taught by example that when I'm with a man, my purse shouldn't open. My dad would make sure I was taken care of, and at Christmas he'd walk in the mall and he'd say "get what you want" we ended up with bags on bags on bags! There was no Santa story, my Daddy was/is Santa all year long.
I mentioned in another post of how he and I had an incident and I'd stop speaking to him for years. As I found myself in the same scenario I made sure that there was a clear understanding and expectations were set up front. Everything works out perfectly, so as I reflect on the "then and now" I see the valuable lesson I learned along with the huge void in my life where his presence and "gifts" were missing. My Daddy was teaching me how to avoid the pitfall of the type who sucker women out of their money. I recall an instance after that with the one who used to occupy the majority of my posts. Throughout the years he needed to borrow money from me, as a friend I assisted how I could, but he'd take FOREVERRRR to pay me back. As far as I'd always have to mention it, which of course made things awkward. Well the last instance was him harassing me to visit him, I finally said okay and prepared myself for the trip. Weeks prior to my departure I had gotten extremely sick and no one knew what the cause was. I vomited for a month, seriously, and the doctors had no clue why. Eventually everyone convinced me I was pregnant although I knew I wasn't. I remembered the last time we were together and the months calculated accurately, so I tell him of the possibility and he's actually calm. Too calm, I'm freaking out which makes the symptoms worse. So finally about a week before the trip I find out officially that I am not pregnant (another family member was), they claimed it was high blood pressure although I was never diagnosed. Yet as I'm going through all of that he has some sob story and needs to borrow money. Of course I send it with the expectation of getting it back before I left. He doesn't mention it and neither do I, the trip started out pleasant then the awkwardness sets in. I'm slowly getting annoyed with everything he says and does then I begin to question why I even like him as well as "why am I here"?
So the next day he wants to show me around the city. As we're driving around he mentions how he took his ex around and she was taking pictures of the street signs and dumb shit like that. I then mentioned to him my various travels and he shut up. I now understand he was recognizing the differences between me and the woman he'd chosen and divorced a few months later. So his idea of showing me around was to look for rental property and cars, as "the brat" came out he soon changed the scenery. I later find out that he'd planned a trip to Cali not even a week after I am here, which means I REALLY didn't need to come. The reason he was coming back was because his ex wife either bought or co-signed a car for him and he was behind on the payments. So he needed to return it or it would be repossessed if they located it. I think he even hinted to me about giving him the money, but I'm not completely sure.
Now I'm beyond annoyed and I'm ready to go! I'd also learned that a few days before my arrival he had surgery so as I'm trying to pamper him, he continues to tell me that he doesn't need my help with anything. Somewhere between day 1 and day 2 he'd taken his medication for the pain and unleashed his heart. I'd finally gotten to the Core. I was freaked out for a second then morning comes and he was right back to the bullshit. The morning of my departure I was in such a weird space I'd made my period come early. Now on top of everything else I'm pissed! Then he makes me miss my flight and its just too much, I cried the entire way home. The entire trip was a major waste of time and money, but the awakening was priceless.
Not only did he marry this girl because she was pregnant; she also had material qualities that I lack(ed) at the time, so she has a house and a Lexus -blank stare- and she obviously used her credit to assist him with getting a car. However soon after he married her he was made aware that she doesn't cook, won't clean, doesn't have the same sex drive and refused to help with the child he had prior to meeting her. A few months later he realized his mistake and popped up at my house, I expressed to him that I didn't want to hear his complaints. I pointed out that he made his choice so he needed to deal with it or get out of it, as he moved closer to me I moved away stating that we could've been happy together, but he thought the grass was greener. As he didn't seem to take my resistance well it was time to put him out. Although he knew I had the qualities he needed, he chose someone who was willing to pay in order to have a man available and he know that I wasn't going for that.
Now don't get me wrong, I know how to hold MY man down once it's established that we are in this together. But I'm not here for the co-sign life, in my mind, the man is the provider so he should conduct himself as such. I guess when you're looking for a benefactor you fail to care if the "wife" gene is anywhere in the mix. Either way, I'm grateful for what my Dad has instilled in me, at times it's been said that I'm "too much like a ni**a", but in all honestly I guess I'd prefer that over being a weak chick.
Teenage Adventures
Summer 1996, I had a new friend and she was wild. I remember I'd never really hung out away from home, so it was always an adventure traveling around the neighborhood with her. I remember the guys talking to me and surprised that I was actually socializing. They used to call me "90210", and it would piss me off since clearly we were no where near Beverly Hills. So this friend would somehow find all types of crazy things to get into each day, she hated being at home, but she never had any money. I had money without the information, so you can see how this pairing was beneficial to both of us.
Her mother had a ton of kids and she was the eldest, not to mention the mothers boyfriend was a weirdo. One night she came to my window because the boyfriend was hitting her mom and she wanted to run away. I'd convinced her to stay and we'd figure something out. Soon after her mother and the boyfriend broke up, but something changed in our friendship. She started borrowing my clothes and then wouldn't return them, or I'd have to harass her to get them back. Then she started stealing money from me, like if I'd go to the bathroom or step away and ask her to hold my bag, I'd later have less money than I THOUGHT I had. You know when you have that moment calculating each dollar you spent in order to comprehend the amount of cash in your possession? And I could never add it up, til I factored "sticky fingers".
I hate thieves, for two reasons; one is because I never get away with anything lol. I can see a million people do something and nothing ever happens, the moment I do it, the necessary authorities are right there to catch me. Which isn't bad, because the awareness of that keeps me on the "straight and narrow". The other reason is my mother, she'd come home from her "journey" and come to my room to "catch up" yet lo and behold she's "casing the joint", she'd leave and soon after I'd realize various things are "missing". One day I got smart and put a lock on my bedroom door and when she came around I'd talk to her outside or in the living room.
Somehow everyone decides that this particular friend isn't "good enough" to hang out with, my mother comes and steals some very sentimental things and my friend's mother gets back with the boyfriend. Needless to say we were both ready to run away, she tells a mutual friend to come to my house with a message. I didn't care for this girl, but she appeared to be the family favorite so she was able to visit without question. So she tells me where to meet so we could finally talk without anyone spying, we came up with a plan to leave. So late that night I started packing, she didn't explain that this wasn't the time to be materialistic. It took me forever and I had too much shit. I try to reduce it to the basics and we're off. I remember stopping at her house, we snuck in by the window and hid under her bed. Sure enough the next morning I hear my Dad and my aunt pull up, they bang on the door and confront the mother. She's letting them know that I'm not there, but refused to let them in, on some level I knew if they found me there someone was going to die. I called my house and told my grandmother to have them meet me around the corner at a burger place and I went home. I don't remember how long they sat there before my grandmother informed them that I was home already, but they were pissed!
I'd never seen my dad that upset with me, he actually slapped me in the face. I didn't know how to process that, my Father never spanked me, actually no one did really, well there were a few and extremely far between. The first time I was spanked, I knew it was just to "put me in my place" which didn't work. The times after that resulted in fights, so that shit stopped quickly! However this situation with my Dad, something in me knew that I'd gone too far. I made up my mind right then that I would never put my Father in that position again.
Once the dust settled, I moved in with my Dad and the adventures just get crazier.
Her mother had a ton of kids and she was the eldest, not to mention the mothers boyfriend was a weirdo. One night she came to my window because the boyfriend was hitting her mom and she wanted to run away. I'd convinced her to stay and we'd figure something out. Soon after her mother and the boyfriend broke up, but something changed in our friendship. She started borrowing my clothes and then wouldn't return them, or I'd have to harass her to get them back. Then she started stealing money from me, like if I'd go to the bathroom or step away and ask her to hold my bag, I'd later have less money than I THOUGHT I had. You know when you have that moment calculating each dollar you spent in order to comprehend the amount of cash in your possession? And I could never add it up, til I factored "sticky fingers".
I hate thieves, for two reasons; one is because I never get away with anything lol. I can see a million people do something and nothing ever happens, the moment I do it, the necessary authorities are right there to catch me. Which isn't bad, because the awareness of that keeps me on the "straight and narrow". The other reason is my mother, she'd come home from her "journey" and come to my room to "catch up" yet lo and behold she's "casing the joint", she'd leave and soon after I'd realize various things are "missing". One day I got smart and put a lock on my bedroom door and when she came around I'd talk to her outside or in the living room.
Somehow everyone decides that this particular friend isn't "good enough" to hang out with, my mother comes and steals some very sentimental things and my friend's mother gets back with the boyfriend. Needless to say we were both ready to run away, she tells a mutual friend to come to my house with a message. I didn't care for this girl, but she appeared to be the family favorite so she was able to visit without question. So she tells me where to meet so we could finally talk without anyone spying, we came up with a plan to leave. So late that night I started packing, she didn't explain that this wasn't the time to be materialistic. It took me forever and I had too much shit. I try to reduce it to the basics and we're off. I remember stopping at her house, we snuck in by the window and hid under her bed. Sure enough the next morning I hear my Dad and my aunt pull up, they bang on the door and confront the mother. She's letting them know that I'm not there, but refused to let them in, on some level I knew if they found me there someone was going to die. I called my house and told my grandmother to have them meet me around the corner at a burger place and I went home. I don't remember how long they sat there before my grandmother informed them that I was home already, but they were pissed!
I'd never seen my dad that upset with me, he actually slapped me in the face. I didn't know how to process that, my Father never spanked me, actually no one did really, well there were a few and extremely far between. The first time I was spanked, I knew it was just to "put me in my place" which didn't work. The times after that resulted in fights, so that shit stopped quickly! However this situation with my Dad, something in me knew that I'd gone too far. I made up my mind right then that I would never put my Father in that position again.
Once the dust settled, I moved in with my Dad and the adventures just get crazier.
Chasing A Feeling (written 5.18.12)
I was lost in your gaze. it were as if you saw right through me, past the physical and into my soul. Then you smiled and I did the same. The connection was so strong I found myself in disbelief once the moment passed. Spending the remainder of the day plotting our next encounter, I wonder if you felt it too.
Like an addict I must find that feeling again.
Like an addict I must find that feeling again.
This is all I know
"He who thinks he knows it all, knows nothing, for compared to what is to know, he knows but a pebble in the ocean of time."
copied from @TheGodLight
copied from @TheGodLight
The answer is "Yes!"
I was completely nervous heading into my appointment today with a million thoughts running through my mind. I've been praying, not for a particular outcome, but to know the truth. Something I've buried for six (6) years. December 2005, I'd decided to terminate a pregnancy following a car accident (see, "Honesty Hour" and "Saturday, November 05, 2005"). Well January 2006 a few days before my birthday I'm in the ER because something's wrong and up until this moment no one could figure out what it was. I recall being rushed into surgery and signing disclosure forms, I don't recall if the surgeon actually said that I wouldn't be able to have children or if somehow that was just what I'd heard.
Trying to recover from an accident of that capacity while admitting that I was unable to handle the most important responsibility in my life was overwhelming to say the least. I recall the length of time it took to walk the few blocks to my son's school and the day his teacher threatened to call the authorities if he missed another day, unconcerned with the reason why. I was crushed and with no where else to turn, it was time for his dad to finally step up and take an active role in our son's life. The plan was for this arrangement to be temporary, as in until I was able to move around without pain.
I felt like I lost two children at once, I buried myself in alcohol and so many other distractions. In the mist of my emotional and physical trauma this "man" decides its the perfect time to sue me for full custody and child support. Talk about insensitive and weak! Thankfully, I had a few friends who were there to offer support, encouragement and listening ears. I was devastated, especially to know that certain members of my family actually supplied him with information that they thought would help him win. As @brookandthecity would say "Loyalty Is Vintage". Well of course they aren't successful, I think we settled everything in mediation resulting in joint custody and the custody split that I proposed. Some are still mad, with no facts, but enough speculation to create whatever "truth" they choose to believe.
Funny how things work out, his level of resentment towards me is unreal. He thought things were going to be completely different I suppose, I won't go into detail, but it amazes me how some people will say and do the most hurtful things then years down the road you see their lives and realize how powerful words can be. Like, the saying about "be careful, the ditch you dig for someone else will end up your own", or something like that. However, in the end my son is flourishing, brilliant and growing into a wonderful person, of course with the normal 12 year old shananigans.
Anyway, after my cleanse in June I was able to deal with my guilt and heartache of the decisions I'd made surrounding the accident. I was even given the opportunity to reconcile the friendship with the man I was dating at the time. Here we are in August of this year I completed a Meditation Challenge offered by Deepak Chopra with the theme of being "Free to Love" and at that time I realized I wanted my heart to open. I finally admitted the desire of wanting to be married and create a family, however I couldn't honestly do that without facing MY truth. I scheduled my appointment, meditated, repented, prayed and detached from a particular outcome.
Last week I emailed my Ob/Gyn and requested her to order labs to go along with her examination. I needed to get my usual std, HIV and aids tests, she knows that I'm neurotic, I believe that's common knowledge at this point. Although I know the results are negative, it's something about the reassurance that makes me feel better. I believe it's just good to know your status, especially in this day and age. Now I'm getting my vitals and everyone wants to know how much weight I've lost and my fitness/ lifestyle changes, it's as if we're all old friends. I've always felt comfortable and safe there, which says a lot! Its more important than some may realize to have doctor's you trust and to be completely honest with them. I realized I am the most honest with God, myself, my therapist and my doctors. They get the FULL story, not just the highlights. Now we're in my chart and she's going one by one into 2006, there's nothing in there stating the doctors had to be "very aggressive" during the procedure, which means, I can have babies when the time comes! She then completes the exam and everything's healthy :)
I am overjoyed! To know that once I am married, my husband and I can have a discussion and plan to have a child that we both want is just overwhelming. I feel like I have another chance to experience this wonderful moment the way I've always dreamt of it. I literally have a few tears just thinking about it. In my heart I am recommitting to my #TeamAbstinence, to know my prayer was answered and forgiveness is real. Obviously I'm no virgin, however my desire is to continue to prepare my mind, body and soul for my future and that doesn't include low energy foolishness that adds to stress and anxiety.
The vibration I felt during my meditation was so intense, yet there was no way I could not take time out and thank my Creator for such wonderful information. All in all, today was tremendous on so many levels.
Namasté
Trying to recover from an accident of that capacity while admitting that I was unable to handle the most important responsibility in my life was overwhelming to say the least. I recall the length of time it took to walk the few blocks to my son's school and the day his teacher threatened to call the authorities if he missed another day, unconcerned with the reason why. I was crushed and with no where else to turn, it was time for his dad to finally step up and take an active role in our son's life. The plan was for this arrangement to be temporary, as in until I was able to move around without pain.
I felt like I lost two children at once, I buried myself in alcohol and so many other distractions. In the mist of my emotional and physical trauma this "man" decides its the perfect time to sue me for full custody and child support. Talk about insensitive and weak! Thankfully, I had a few friends who were there to offer support, encouragement and listening ears. I was devastated, especially to know that certain members of my family actually supplied him with information that they thought would help him win. As @brookandthecity would say "Loyalty Is Vintage". Well of course they aren't successful, I think we settled everything in mediation resulting in joint custody and the custody split that I proposed. Some are still mad, with no facts, but enough speculation to create whatever "truth" they choose to believe.
Funny how things work out, his level of resentment towards me is unreal. He thought things were going to be completely different I suppose, I won't go into detail, but it amazes me how some people will say and do the most hurtful things then years down the road you see their lives and realize how powerful words can be. Like, the saying about "be careful, the ditch you dig for someone else will end up your own", or something like that. However, in the end my son is flourishing, brilliant and growing into a wonderful person, of course with the normal 12 year old shananigans.
Anyway, after my cleanse in June I was able to deal with my guilt and heartache of the decisions I'd made surrounding the accident. I was even given the opportunity to reconcile the friendship with the man I was dating at the time. Here we are in August of this year I completed a Meditation Challenge offered by Deepak Chopra with the theme of being "Free to Love" and at that time I realized I wanted my heart to open. I finally admitted the desire of wanting to be married and create a family, however I couldn't honestly do that without facing MY truth. I scheduled my appointment, meditated, repented, prayed and detached from a particular outcome.
Last week I emailed my Ob/Gyn and requested her to order labs to go along with her examination. I needed to get my usual std, HIV and aids tests, she knows that I'm neurotic, I believe that's common knowledge at this point. Although I know the results are negative, it's something about the reassurance that makes me feel better. I believe it's just good to know your status, especially in this day and age. Now I'm getting my vitals and everyone wants to know how much weight I've lost and my fitness/ lifestyle changes, it's as if we're all old friends. I've always felt comfortable and safe there, which says a lot! Its more important than some may realize to have doctor's you trust and to be completely honest with them. I realized I am the most honest with God, myself, my therapist and my doctors. They get the FULL story, not just the highlights. Now we're in my chart and she's going one by one into 2006, there's nothing in there stating the doctors had to be "very aggressive" during the procedure, which means, I can have babies when the time comes! She then completes the exam and everything's healthy :)
I am overjoyed! To know that once I am married, my husband and I can have a discussion and plan to have a child that we both want is just overwhelming. I feel like I have another chance to experience this wonderful moment the way I've always dreamt of it. I literally have a few tears just thinking about it. In my heart I am recommitting to my #TeamAbstinence, to know my prayer was answered and forgiveness is real. Obviously I'm no virgin, however my desire is to continue to prepare my mind, body and soul for my future and that doesn't include low energy foolishness that adds to stress and anxiety.
The vibration I felt during my meditation was so intense, yet there was no way I could not take time out and thank my Creator for such wonderful information. All in all, today was tremendous on so many levels.
Namasté
Daddy's Little Girl
Last night I felt some type of way, I don't know how to put the feelings into words. Soon after I received a call from my Daddy, he just wanted to check on me and see how my day went. In the conversation I mentioned that I was headed to bible class and he made me promise to call him when I was done. So as I am heading home I remember to call him, he then asks if I need anything and tells me to "stop by sometime so I can give you something". I could tell that he wanted to see me since I'd expressed to him that my week hadn't been the best.
I recall a conversation we had last week where he mentioned the time "1:18" the numbers represent my birthday, he stated that he always thinks of me at that time. He says the most amazing things to me at just the right time, making my heart smile always. I arrive at his place and he hands me money, we then go to the store and he asks if I want or need anything. In an instance when I said out loud to remind myself to get gas before I take him home, we arrive at the gas station and he jumps out of the car, I ask him to wait so I can give him the money and he said he didn't need it. He filled my tank and we went on our way. He gives the best hugs and somehow when I am in his arms, I have this feeling that I will be okay.
My dad is far from perfect, however he's always made it known that I am his Princess, he's always referred to me as his Angel and when I need him, he comes running. I recall a time where he was going through various changes and one of his decisions created a huge tear in our relationship. I stopped speaking to him for a few years, however this year on Father's day I realized how much I missed him. So I called him, and before I could say a few words, he apologized. He didn't take the stance of "I'm the parent so no matter what I do you have to accept it", he realized he'd hurt me and vowed to never do it again. Since then our relationship has been like the old days. I try very hard not to compare my feelings for my parents, however at times it's hard not to as one is there for me and offers everything they have and the other, not so much.
I don't know what's going on in the Cosmos, or why I am extremely emotional today. I guess it's better to get this crap out than to continue to hold it in. As he and I discussed my appointment he made sure to tell me to call him and let him know how it goes. The fact that he is concerned about every aspect of my life amazes me. Like, when I talk to him about various guys I know and seek his insight. Sometimes I keep things to myself because I think he doesn't want to know, and as soon as the thought enters my mind he'll ask me, whats going on with ________? He remembers their names and the details I've shared. He doesn't judge me and I know he accepts me for who I am, as well as the fact he actually knows who I am makes me love him so much more.
I don't know if I am wrong for that, but then again how could I be wrong for the way I feel? If your actions or lack thereof creates a dynamic that you may not like, is it the other persons fault?
Sometimes I Feel...
So alone in this world, I used to wish I had a sister, but only if she were my twin. I figured I'd finally have someone who looked like me and could actually relate to my emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires.
Being an only child is not easy, I used to wish I had that type of interactions with my cousins where we'd be more like sisters. Unfortunately, my sheltered and at times overbearing upbringing didn't allow that. I kind of understand it now, to be the child of the family drug addict, everyone is extremely delicate with you. They seem to believe that you are either more fragile or much tougher than you may appear. I recall a recent encounter with a cousin from my Grandmother's side of the family, and as we were catching up she asked who's child I was so she could have a point of reference, her reaction was priceless and I could see the horror, dispair and/or pity she felt in that moment before she was able to catch herself and say something "nice".
I remember being a kid and I'd never mention my mother, after a while my friends would begin to ask me questions and I'd just say she died. It was easier that way, not to be mean, but as a way to cope with the facts of my life. I remember cherishing the years before she lost her way, somewhere along the way I've pushed all of that stuff out of my mind though. I appreciated the fact that she choose to keep her lifestyle away from me, it was admirable. That is until my teenage years and she'd find her way to our house more often, now she actually wants to be a mother, girl! I was so disconnected, I felt as if she was crazy and I wasnt having it. I recall one occassion she came around and tried to give me a curfew and some other "rules", I called my Daddy and asked him to talk to her. I remember her saying something about not wanting me to get caught up with the wrong things. I told her "whatever I could get caught up in could happen long before this curfew you're trying to set". My Dad spoke with her and she loosened her grip, as she should have. Its asinine to be removed from a situation then try to come in and demand respect and reverance because of a "title", true you are my mother, however thats only in one deed not in words or actions.
A couple years ago, I found the space to forgive her. I even attempted to re-establish a relationship with her, the trouble comes in when she can not accept my reservations and boundaries. At times its as if she does not recall the childhood that I had because of her choices. Its as if she erased it all and is expecting me to embrace her as the world's best mother or something. Earlier this year, I discovered a space for her, a space free of hurt and resentment. I would call or text her randomly and say "I love you" or check on her yet her response was distant, at times cold and never receipricated. So here I am, a grown woman, and I find myself in the same spot as I was as a kid, wanting the love of the one person who is SUPPOSED to love you with their whole heart. The person who is supposed to put you first and be there when you're hurt or sad or upset. Even today, as I deal with anxiety and I notice depression trying its hardest to creep in I have yet to get a call or text from her which is not self-centered. It's always about what she wants, what she needs, why am I not doing this for her, when am I going to visit her, can I take her somewhere.
I try to keep my heart open, but I am only human and this is not easy. I truly have no idea what to do with these emotions, the crazy part is, as I prepare for this appointment with my Ob/Gyn in a few hours and she goes through my chart and gives her insight on if it appears that I can bare another child or not. I am forced to face my thoughts of motherhood, the mindset and efforts on how I've raised my son thus far as well as how I would do certain things differently if given an opportunity. The more I deal with my son and even when I am upset with his antics, the love I feel for him is hard to put in words. So for a mother, my mother to not feel that way about me.......
I cant even finish this
My religion is love
Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God. The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan. Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.
I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy"). We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another. I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem. Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife and I would never be his wife. He tried his best to convince me to have an abortion and I would not cave (see "Honesty Hour"). I expressed to him that abortion was not an option, I considered adoption or I'd have the baby and he could do as he pleased. I also made it very clear that should I continue the pregnancy and not give the baby up for adoption he would not call my child a "mistake" or be around for any other hateful and/or negative influence. This was a consequence of our actions and this was the decision that I was making.
I will admit, I was beyond scared! I didn't know what I was getting myself into and to be honest I didn't even like kids. When I envisioned my life up until that point I'd never factored a family or children into the equation. So here I am, I'm going to have a baby and no one around me has experienced the foolishness that is now apart of my life. I began to read every book I could find on pregnancy as well as child development. I talked to my unborn child, I played classical music because I'd read that it does something for the development of the brain. I ate right, well the neuroses kicked in and I was a mess. I wouldn't even chew gum as I figured the baby would be expecting nutrients and there weren't any coming. I yelled at people who chose to smoke in my proximity, I went to the doctor religiously, Lamaze and any other place of comfort and support I could find. At some point, and I don't recall which month it was I finally picked up my Bible and prayed for guidance, direction, understanding and began to seek God. This was also something I'd never done before. I grew up in a family that didn't attend church, I can recall a few times here and there, but nothing consistent. I knew to call on Jesus, but had no understanding as to why. So now I need Him, I don't know much, but what I do know is that I am clueless in the situation I've found myself in.
I got what I needed, I then prayed for God to send me to His people and sure enough a co-worker invited me to church as she usually did, the difference this time was that I was ready. I began to go to church on a regular basis, I felt a sense of peace in this chaos I'd now called my life. Over time I did everything I was supposed to do as a Christian, I'd adapted all of the customs, traditions and expectations. I began to distance myself from my "unsaved" family and only engaged in activities held by the "saints". I was extremely judgemental and felt this overwhelming need to save the world. I'd thrown out all of my "worldly" music and dressed as I thought a "good Christian woman" should. I understood the scripture 2 Corinthians 5:17 which states "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed
away; behold, all things are become new." So I began to believe that everything I'd done up until that point was wrong, especially since I found myself with the circumstances of many poor decisions.
Now as "life happens" and I am faced with disappointments, new obstacles, the death of my best friend (see, "My First Love" and "Happy Birthday Terrance!") and other annoyances I am confused. I thought "if you live right, life is supposed to be good" so why has it become worse now that I am in church? Over time I began to resent all of the things that I'd given up, I rebelled against this life that I thought would make everything I didn't like magically disappear. Once I found myself pregnant again, there was no way I could face the congregation with ANOTHER baby and no husband. Not to mention the fact that I wasnt even supposed to be sexually active, yet I found myself in a relationship and that was what he wanted. I knew at this point I needed to get myself together, and I wasn't so sure this was it any more. Slowly I found myself with one foot in and one foot out of the church, I recall my Pastor at the time preaching about being "lost in the house" if I'm not mistaken, and that was absolutely me. I was so full of religion I had never REALLY developed a relationship with God. I believed, I had faith, I even had some understanding, but the majority of my actions were for acceptance. Most of the people in the church were born and raised there, 2nd, 3rd, 4th generation Christians. Here I am, a heathen, pregnant without a husband and no other "saved" family. I felt myself walking on egg shells, making sure I looked the part so I could "fit in". I knew the right things to say at the right time, but I was so lost. I was miserable! I returned to the world and had no desire to go to any one's church for any reason. I remember the few times the Spirit moved me to attend a service and getting questioned about where I'd been and when I'd planned to return. The thing about it was, I didn't feel the love or concern that you would expect, I felt it was a dig of some sort and I resented it as well. Fast forward to 2005 (see, "Thanksgiving 11.05.2005") now I'm really angry at God and I haven't even mentioned the rest of what occurred after the accident (that's a post within itself).
Now I am unhappy with myself and my life, and to be honest I was ready for it to end. January 2012 I was in a space so dark I couldn't see my way out of it, crazy thing is, I didn't even pray, at least I don't think I did. I just remember having a thought "it's time to cleanse" (see "Cleansing- a mental, physical and spiritual experience") and from there my life changed. I found, through my mess I'd developed a relationship with God, one that I'd never had before. Now I talk to Him, and I am able to hear when He talks to me. I know when I am in His presence and another fun fact, I understand that I don't have to turn my back on everything I love in order to please Him. I no longer care about religion, customs, traditions, acceptance and that other stuff that typically separates a person from the true experience of God. I recall a recent situation where I'd invited someone to an event and they opted not to go because there would be cocktails, well unless you are a recovering alcoholic why does that matter? Not that I am judging however, what if someone at that function needed to see a "Christian" being social outside of VBS, Conventions, Denny's, etc. What if, something you said at this event helped someone see the path to Christ? What if, you were supposed to be a witness to someone and the message they needed could only come from you? But you aren't there....
As I typed that, another scripture comes to mind which talks about how you (as a Christian) are supposed to be in the world, but not OF the world. If Jesus attended weddings, fellowship with His friend and even turned water into wine, why then are we supposed to live these sheltered lives? By no means do I have all of the answers, I am trying to find my way just like everyone else, however Jesus knows that I love Vodka and wine, and I may have a drink however I am aware that I should not get drunk. And if I feel convicted about a drink or two and I am made aware that I should give it up, it will be a decision made between myself and the God I served and not based on what someone feels is right or wrong for a "Christian" to do. As I've recently joined a church and rededicated myself to God and I pray to be a light in this world; I briefly had a fear of reliving my first experience as a young Christian and how I'd fallen so far off. I was in Sunday school, Sunday morning service, Sunday evening service, Wednesday night bible class and anything else available. Heaven forbid I didn't attend a service, I thought I was for sure going straight to hell. The other day on Facebook, a friend made a comment on GodVine's photo (below) www.facebook.com/GodVine and as I saw it I felt compelled to comment.
My Comment:
Religion is what derailed my walk with God. Glad I discovered a relationship through all of my mess.
I am truly thankful to God for His grace, mercy and forgiveness. I am aware of my core self and striving to understand that more each day. I now have a relationship with God and I understand that He is not expecting me to be perfect, but to make my best effort to do as His word commands. Should I slip, I know what it means to repent and apologize as necessary. I am now more aware than before of the importance of staying clear of the things/influences that may tempt me to go against the word of God. I now make an effort to pray and ask for direction especially as the situation which brings forth anxiety continues to worsen. I am thankful for the prayers of those who love God and keep my name before Him. I also make sure to pray for my friends, family, co-workers and followers who come to my mind.
I guess the bottom line for me is to encourage everyone to establish a relationship with God, and not base it on the thoughts and opinions of others. No man walking this Earth is perfect, has all of the answers or will stand before God in your place. So why give them so much power over your life? I am not saying disregard or disrespect the Shepards of God, however I am saying to make sure that along with attending services, you actually read your bible on your own, pray and meditate on His word, seek guidance, establish a RELATIONSHIP. My thoughts when making a decision or speaking to people, especially when its something that I would rather not say, is if this is necessary and pleasing to God. At times, well most times, I'll pause before my words to check in and understand the space the words are coming from. I've typed this before and its just as true now as it was when I originally mentioned it; my objective is for God to say, when its all said and done "well done, my good and faithful servant". I pray that my experiences will somehow help someone avoid some of the foolishness that is so easy to find upon you. In some ways I know that in future posts the words expressed may be words that I wished someone would have shared with me. I'm one of those people who would rather avoid drama and mayham as opposed to learning the lessons the hard way. Yet, I understand not everyone is that way either. I guess as I finalize my thoughts on the subject, of course there's a Rumi quote that speaks from my heart.
"I belong to no religion. My religion is love. Every heart is my temple".
~ Rumi
~ Rumi
One-Way to Fiji
You ever just want to run away? Like, pack a bag and live the simple life.
I have this fantasy of getting a one way ticket to Fiji and selling seashells by the seashore, living off fish and veggies from my garden and chatting with tourists to pass the time.
I have this fantasy of getting a one way ticket to Fiji and selling seashells by the seashore, living off fish and veggies from my garden and chatting with tourists to pass the time.
Venus vs. Mars
He says I "do too much", how is it possible to express your love, care and/or concern for someone "too much"? The interesting part of it all is; what he feels is too much is actually my bare minimum. Yet when I'm silent or fed up he's upset, lately our communication has been a disaster. Thankfully, no arguments, but as quickly as I thought we were on the same page his next communication let me know that we weren't. We aren't even in the same book, or the same section.
I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work.
I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me because I don't know the purpose of this situation and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. The crazy part is, the more time I spend with my Dad the more I think about this man and desire to repair our communication. Trouble is, nothing I've done thus far is working. I can see so much potential and I know I can help him get there, even if there is no benefit in it for me. I just want him to be at his very best, but he won't get out of the way and allow it to happen.
I remember when our energy was at its best, we'd talk throughout the day and spend quality time together often. During this time he'd let me know of many promotions he'd achieved. I can't tell you the last time he mentioned a raise or promotion to me in the past few years. I won't dare bring that to his attention, but now that I think of it maybe I should.
Last year at this time we had the worst fight ever, it was Thanksgiving and I'd already had too much wine. Then he texted me with some foolishness and as I warned him of my condition he chose to continue. So I let him have it! And as the argument escalated I continued to drink and to say things got out of control would be an understatement. It took a long time to recover from that argument, I don't even understand why we fight. Like I know what's being said, but I don't understand why he has such a problem with EVERYTHING that I do yet he can't seem to move on with his life. I don't even understand why I won't do the same.
He claims I have some type of effect on him, that regardless if we're on speaking terms or not he's always concerned. He says he always wants me, the trouble is I don't see the actions to match. For some reason when it comes to me he's so "gangsta" and tough, yet I've known him in other relationships and he seems to choose women who are extremely dependent and needy. Maybe that's our problem, I don't need to invade his space because I can't keep one of my own. I don't need him to pay my bills or get my hair done or whatever silly things he's used to. Yet he bends over backwards for THAT type, he cooks, he's clean (like OCD clean!), and a few other qualities I love yet when it comes to me, I'm on my own. He says I need to soften up, so I have, and that hasn't improved those time management and communication skills which need a whole lot of work.
As I notice Thanksgiving is on the horizon I am determined to keep my composure and refrain from another epic argument like the one last year. At least that's my expectation. Hopefully somehow he'll find his way to Venus or at least learn the language. That would be another thing on my list to be Thankful for.
I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work.
I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me because I don't know the purpose of this situation and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. The crazy part is, the more time I spend with my Dad the more I think about this man and desire to repair our communication. Trouble is, nothing I've done thus far is working. I can see so much potential and I know I can help him get there, even if there is no benefit in it for me. I just want him to be at his very best, but he won't get out of the way and allow it to happen.
I remember when our energy was at its best, we'd talk throughout the day and spend quality time together often. During this time he'd let me know of many promotions he'd achieved. I can't tell you the last time he mentioned a raise or promotion to me in the past few years. I won't dare bring that to his attention, but now that I think of it maybe I should.
Last year at this time we had the worst fight ever, it was Thanksgiving and I'd already had too much wine. Then he texted me with some foolishness and as I warned him of my condition he chose to continue. So I let him have it! And as the argument escalated I continued to drink and to say things got out of control would be an understatement. It took a long time to recover from that argument, I don't even understand why we fight. Like I know what's being said, but I don't understand why he has such a problem with EVERYTHING that I do yet he can't seem to move on with his life. I don't even understand why I won't do the same.
He claims I have some type of effect on him, that regardless if we're on speaking terms or not he's always concerned. He says he always wants me, the trouble is I don't see the actions to match. For some reason when it comes to me he's so "gangsta" and tough, yet I've known him in other relationships and he seems to choose women who are extremely dependent and needy. Maybe that's our problem, I don't need to invade his space because I can't keep one of my own. I don't need him to pay my bills or get my hair done or whatever silly things he's used to. Yet he bends over backwards for THAT type, he cooks, he's clean (like OCD clean!), and a few other qualities I love yet when it comes to me, I'm on my own. He says I need to soften up, so I have, and that hasn't improved those time management and communication skills which need a whole lot of work.
As I notice Thanksgiving is on the horizon I am determined to keep my composure and refrain from another epic argument like the one last year. At least that's my expectation. Hopefully somehow he'll find his way to Venus or at least learn the language. That would be another thing on my list to be Thankful for.
Dragon Days
Insomnia, migraine, tears and its barely 9:00 am! Days like this "the bitch" comes out and her patience is extremely low, as I attempt to be truly "a new creation" I realize I can't allow the effects of stress to take me to such a low energy.
So today, I choose to remain in a space of praise and worship. I have thoughts of my Pastor as she goes through a procedure and I ask God to comfort her, guide the thoughts, hands and atmosphere of her doctors and his/her staff. I have thoughts of my friend/ walking partner who recently lost her Father, and I ask God to dwell with her family at this time, and comfort their hearts. Along with tons of other random thoughts that come and go.
I realize the plots and ploys of "d'evils" and how they're trying to take me to a space of panic or to revisit the anxiety attack I experienced in September of this year. I understand that these issues aren't going anywhere however the difference then compared to now; is I've refreshed my soul. I've reconnected with MY SOURCE, I acknowledge it is not my strength, it is the strength and power of my God that will get me through.
I thank God in advance for all He will do in these various situations for various people and I anticipate the outpouring of gratitude, praise and worship for the Most High God! The Holy God of Creation, the lover of my soul. I am going to do my part and I know that in the mist of my "Dragon" day, God is able to sustain my mind, body & spirit.
So today, I choose to remain in a space of praise and worship. I have thoughts of my Pastor as she goes through a procedure and I ask God to comfort her, guide the thoughts, hands and atmosphere of her doctors and his/her staff. I have thoughts of my friend/ walking partner who recently lost her Father, and I ask God to dwell with her family at this time, and comfort their hearts. Along with tons of other random thoughts that come and go.
I realize the plots and ploys of "d'evils" and how they're trying to take me to a space of panic or to revisit the anxiety attack I experienced in September of this year. I understand that these issues aren't going anywhere however the difference then compared to now; is I've refreshed my soul. I've reconnected with MY SOURCE, I acknowledge it is not my strength, it is the strength and power of my God that will get me through.
I thank God in advance for all He will do in these various situations for various people and I anticipate the outpouring of gratitude, praise and worship for the Most High God! The Holy God of Creation, the lover of my soul. I am going to do my part and I know that in the mist of my "Dragon" day, God is able to sustain my mind, body & spirit.
LMAO 'Crazy Aunt Kamille'
So I'm in the bath with my random thoughts, music, candle & vodka. When a reminder crosses my mind that I have that Doctors appointment next week. I will admit I am a bit nervous, like, what if I really can't have anymore children? Then I have a thought, "you'll just be 'Crazy Aunt Kamille' all the kids favorite aunt" and the fact that I can see myself as her is just 😂
Rumi Quote
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
borrowed from http://www.facebook.com/#!/mevlana
I guess it was time to get this out
I'm one of those people who's "always in my head", I believe it's from being an only child. Well, not completely, an only child who was also sheltered and overprotected. I often resented being the only one "forced" into a relationship with my grandmother. I was extremely jealous of how the others were free to come and go and deal with her when they felt like it.
I felt rejected by my mother so I embraced someone who would have loved to take her place, her sister. My aunt and I have a special bond, even when we aren't speaking I know she sends me good vibrations and wants the best for me (most of the time). I think our biggest issue is that in a lot of ways we are very much alike however in the ways we differ it can be too hard to accept, add to that we are two Capricorn's with similar challenges. Growing up I felt as if the bond we had and the view of my reality did not match. I spent a lot of Saturdays with her and her son, she took me back to school shopping, came to "straighten out" a P.E teacher who picked on me when I was in middle school. She was also the one who took me for mani/pedi dates and hair appointments, like when I was trying to take care of my hair myself and fell victim to hair gel. She took me to weekly hair appointments and did everything necessary to make sure my hair grew back healthy and strong. She was the mother I didn't have, yet some of the key lessons in life were overlooked. So I eventually embraced the role of taking care of my grandmother.
It was just the two of us, and we had the greatest times. But only when it was just us, whenever some/everyone else came around I was pushed to the side. I guess when you rarely see someone and they finally pay attention to you, it's easy to take for granted those who are always there. So I began to hate holidays, I'd dread when everyone came around because in that space everyone was more important than me. So I found a way to take the power back, I'd stay in my room. I'd make sure to eat before everyone came and my room was always next to the bathroom so I'd rarely HAVE to go out and if I did, it wasn't very far and no one would notice. Eventually they would come to me, one by one or as a group. Now I'm important again, this reminds me of 48 Laws of Power; Law 8:
Make other People come to you – use Bait if Necessary
When you force the other person to act, you are the one in control. It is always better to make your opponent come to you, abandoning his own plans in the process. Lure him with fabulous gains – then attack. You hold the cards.
So now everything was on my terms, I could hear everyone's conversation from the other room and I could tell when they decided to "check on me", I also had the advantage of knowing the feeling/agenda associated with the person who was willing or forced to come as well as if a group was necessary. On occasion I would actually come out of my room and interact, I figured I'd shake things up from time to time so I wouldn't become predictable.
Over the years the dynamic has changed; my mother is around however our relationship is odd, the three of these women use their relationship with me as a strange way to hurt one another. I often feel guilty if I spend any amount of time with any of them, so I distance myself from all three. It came to my attention that I only visit my grandmother now if she is in the hospital, I also understand that when she wants attention she finds some reason to go there and of course select few or everyone will gather together to shower her with the attention she seeks. Recently, I got a call from my mother stating that my grandmother was in the hospital and she needed me to pick her up. Of course I wouldnt say no, so once I get there she's fine, all smiles and wants to go to dinner. As I'm trying to speak with her nurse to find out what's going on my grandmother continues to interrupt, doing her best to keep her issues secret. I dont know why she tries it, because that doesnt work when it comes to me. Later she tells my mom about how I took her to dinner, failing to mention that I just ordered food and she paid for it. But, why would she disclose that? There's no jealousy created if she told the entire truth. So now my mother is going on and on about when I'm going to spend time with her, however she has yet to take an interest in my current health issues, she doesnt call to check on me or think of my well being. If/when she calls or texts, its to harrass me about why she hasnt heard from me or when am I going to come see her. Never taking the time to think of what I may need or to say "hey, I know you're dealing with a lot, how about I come over and cook or watch a movie" lol that would be too much like a REAL mother-daughter relationship I guess.
The part that does sadden me a bit is the fact that my grandmother does spend so much time alone, I guess it would be a bit easier if I wasnt one of the few people who spent time with her. Although she can be a lot to deal with, its best in small, frequent doses that way she doesnt resort to manipulation and other outragous antics. I am learning to develop very different relationships with these women however sometimes it seems like no matter what I do, they will never be satisfied as if I belong to them only and I am being disloyal by spending time with the woman who gave birth to me, the one who raised me, or the one who was my best friend for so many years. So although it would be nice to have relationships with them, I find it easier for me and this anxiety to keep my distance.
The Rebound Guy
When I am honest with myself about certain patterns I have, once they are brought to my awareness I typically make a point to change them. I am not sure how I overlooked this particular one, but its major and in this moment I understand that it can not continue.
So my friend tells "My First Love" that I want him to be my first, he goes on to say that he cant do that to me and I should take my virginity seriously. Well that wasn't supposed to happen, months later I decided for no good reason that I would give my virginity to a guy I had been seeing almost immediately after this experience of rejection. I believe I mentioned this ordeal in "Team Abstinence". My first time was hilarious, to me, after the fact. I think everyone who knows me in real life has heard the story, I literally laughed in the man's face and told him to stop and get off of me. He then says "next time..." I interrupted and made it very clear "there will be no next time", I showered and left. We had mutual friends who were in a relationship at the time which is how we'd met and began to spend so much time together. So now my friend and her boyfriend are together and he says "do you want me to call ____", I respond "no!" and he doesn't understand why. A few times after this we have the same conversation and finally he asks "what happened?" so my friend told him. That was the last time he mentioned his friend to us.
After all of this, I met someone else, his name is Justin and I am absolutely in love with him. We get to know one another and began a loving committed relationship. This is the boyfriend I called when I accompanied a friend to get an abortion (see, "Honesty Hour"). He was absolutely wonderful, and he wanted to marry me. He discussed his plans for us and never forgot to tell me how much he loved me or how beautiful I was. I actually introduced him to my Father, I don't think I'd ever done that before. Well just like most times when life is flowing at a rather lovely pace, something dumb happens. Family drama and I am moving, I inform him and let him know that I understand the issues with long distance relationships so let's just go our separate ways and if we meet up again we can take it from there. He disagreed and assured me that we would be fine, I returned as often as I could and we were as good as we ever were. That is until I returned home and for some reason I couldn't reach him, finally some girl called me and informed me that I should stop calling her boyfriend and some other mess. I was devastated, I would cry even in my sleep. Soon after I returned to California and we met up to exchange the gifts we'd collected over the time we were together. He was completely clueless as to why I was behaving the way that I was and when asked I informed him of his "girlfriend" contacting me. He pleaded with me that what this woman said was untrue, however I couldn't bring myself to believe him. Months passed and my friends are tired of me talking about him, they want me to meet someone new and I am not for it. Finally, while running an errand with a friend she takes it upon herself to give a guy my number. Each time he called our conversation was centered around Justin. I didn't even try to hide the fact that I was still in love with him, but now I have someone new to occupy my thoughts. So we hang out, but I refused to commit to him. He'd try all types of silly antics for my attention, to the point that he moved into the same apartment community I lived in once I decided to end our interaction. Now that he's so close I figure, why not continue our situation? Well him and his improper condom application resulted in pregnancy. I was miserable, but I couldn't change my mind about keeping my baby. So with very little support, I continued my pregnancy and read every book I could to make sure I gave my child the best chance possible. Everyone knew he was my "rebound guy", and they did not hide it. Going as far as suggesting that I name our son, Justin, knowing that he knew the entire situation of who Justin was to me.
I'll skip a few others and bring us back to the present day, so now I want to develop this energy with "The Tough Guy" and it's not easy (I realize that's very much my fault, but I'll save that story for another day). Between stress, anxiety and the fact that I miss our connection; him not running to my rescue when I said so allowed me to entertain the mediocre situation that was"I've got a story to tell", so now that I've recognized my pattern, I must do what it takes to break it. No more unwanted situations for lack of patience or out of hurt because I allow the brat I can be to make me believe that I am in a space of rejection and I need to validate myself in some way.
The rebound guy is a very dangerous relationship to be in, mainly because you are extremely vulnerable from whatever you're rebounding from. Which means your judgement is not at its best and you probably aren't seeing/hearing as clearly as you should be. I know thats that was the case for me. Like the saying goes, now that I knew better, I am putting forth a much better effort to do better.
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