The World Outside My Window

As I shared my heart and shed tears, my therapist told me she has my back & she won't leave me to deal with this alone. It's a sad day when strangers care more than friends & family. #Empathy goes a long way. Glad to have the ones who care, the ones sent by The Lord and the God I love to help me find my way through.

I'd like to take a trip to the Moon, as it's so big and bright in the sky. I have this feeling that I'd find acceptance and security along with the appearance of hope, and the promise of serenity. The massive amount of feminine energy also implies comfort and safety which is exactly what I need on a night like this.

Last night I did everything I was supposed to do, ate dinner (I think), skipped the wine, took the appropriate medication, said my prayers, meditated then attempted to go to sleep. In that moment I felt afraid. I felt as if I'd go to sleep and may not wake up, I don't know if I've ever felt that before. I awake with in a space of thankfulness as I wasn't confident that I'd see another day. Along with it I had the most intense migraine, the vibration was so strong all I could do was bury my head under the covers. Eventually I got up to make breakfast (oatmeal, muffin & orange juice) in order to take another dosage of pills. I feel an incredibly low energy, something I haven't felt in quite some time. I hate this feeling, and I rarely use the word "hate" to express my feelings for things. Various times throughout the day between sleeping and praying I recall meditating on a strategy which will remove me from the space which creates this reaction...

I woke up Sunday morning with a burst of energy, I allowed myself to sleep in and I actually felt rested.  Once I completed my morning prayer and meditation I got out of bed to prepare myself for my run, I'd decided I'd head to the store and pick up a few items that I needed in order to "kill two birds with one stone",  As I journey home from my adventure I start to go over the day's agenda in my head. Shower Church Riding (I'd begun Horseback Riding as one of many stress relievers) Prepare for Work As I get closer to home I notice I now have a headache, I attempt to get myself together for church and notice it's getting worse so I opt out of morning service, convince myself to take a nap and perhaps I'd feel better in time for evening service.  WRONG! Now I am stuck in bed with a pounding headache and I am out of my prescription.  I remember I placed an order for refills online and just needed to pick them up, however I am unable to d...

For some reason I rarely pay attention to it's arrival, I just know that something is "off" in my communication.  Especially with certain people, I'd realize the breakdown and once things were back to "normal" I'd excuse the miscommunication and blame it all on Mercury and it's reverse travels.  Well not this time, I realize that although the "Cosmos" weren't quite aligned the way I'd like them to be, the interaction with some people wasn't that great when Mercury was on the straight and narrow.   As the usual New Year's Resolution time is approaching, I've come to terms with the idea that some people may not make it into 2013 with me.  This time not because I've deleted them, changed my number or said anything reckless, but simply because we don't want the same things.  We aren't on the same path and our interaction leads to frustration and stress, all of which I am not in a space to accept or tolerate...

Mercury Retrograde, Nov 6 - 26, 2012 This is a retrograde when you might lose sight of the shore, as insight comes in that takes time to integrate. Layers of reality can be revealed that are shocking or unlock what's been too painful to deal with. The gifts come later, with wisdom and a full sense of the big picture.   What happens?: Mercury is the messenger, and in this time, legend has it that mail vanishes en route. Some people find that their computers go on the fritz or phone lines go down. If you're at all jittery about it, go ahead and back up your important files. That's always a good idea anyway, right?   A Time-Out: Mercury retrograde gives us time to catch up with ourselves, and reflect. Something from the past returns in a different form. People, ideas or buried insights that are keys to moving forward, float to the surface. Often it's felt as a slowed down, contemplative time, and depending on the sign, a chance to go over old grou...

One of my favorite movies, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was inspired by the poem "Eloisa to Abelard" by Alexander Pope. The piece which I guess inspired the movie states: How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd; Labour and rest, that equal periods keep; "Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;" Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n, Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n. I remember stumbling upon it after it came out, I'm not sure how well it did in theaters, but even today when I mention it most have never heard of it. It's basically about a couple and the ups and downs of a relationship. Somehow the leading lady discovers a procedure where you can have all of your "unwanted" memories erased. Later, the leading man discovers this and opts ...

I used to believe he was "the one" however the path he chose and the choices he's made won't allow us to be together. I no longer hold it against him, in all honestly how could I? Sometimes I even understand on a certain level why he is the way he is; other times it baffles me. I trust(ed) him in a space not many people have been allowed in. So he knows how to handle me as no one else has been able to figure out. Sometimes I can sense when he's thinking about me, in those moments I used to reach out to him. I recall one instance where I fought it for as long as I could, but I always gave in. Even when I didn't completely want to, so I sent an email, very simple "I miss you" and within minutes he responded stating he was in the city and made plans to see me. The moment we were face to face he asked me "why did you stay away from me for so long?" And my reply was "you hurt me". This time I tried for as long as I could, to go wi...

Mind Body Soul (Spirit) Often the mind tries to protect me while the body seeks comfort and pleasure; the challenge comes when my spirit doesn't agree with the mind and/or the body. I've recently made the conscious effort to find a space of harmony where all three are on "one accord". Realizing how difficult that could be within myself, I now find it amazing to obtain this space with another being. Not until recently have I allowed my imagination to dwell in the fantasy of a relationship or marriage. To be quite honest I feared that space, I never thought it would be possible for me. Although I've been asked several times and had the conversations, I knew on some level they wouldn't lead to "I do". I suppose, now that I truly realize the actual possibility of this desire, I am forced to face some ideas, patterns and beliefs which may derail my journey. The funny thing about it all is, I enjoy being single (most days). I am proud of the fact ...

What if we were actually as we pretended to be? How different would our lives reflect our words? What if we took off our masks and allowed our inner child to run free? How about if we stopped caring what other people thought about our choices and took a leap of faith into the dream we talk ourselves out of following? What if we did the "nice" things for others without a thought of keeping score or rewards? Just the knowledge of bringing someone a bit of happiness. What if we actually listened rather than just waited for our turn to talk? What are your "what if's"? How would your life be different if you took the what if away and just did those things?

I often have thoughts, beliefs, opinions or whatever you'd like to categorize them as that will ruffle feathers. For some reason and I'm not completely sure why, I choose to keep them to myself. I guess it's out of fear that I'd hurt someone's feelings or that it's just me and my "unattainable" set of standards as others have said.  Or perhaps because when I speak my piece to some I am often called an "asshole" or informed that I am being "mean".  Yet, when I'm encouraging or giving words which co-signs their thoughts and opinions then everything is fine lol. True, my standards are high, for myself and for those in my circle. I'm not sure if that's wrong or not. I understand "live and let live", but what if the living is below their potential? Do you say nothing and allow them to continue in the mundane? I don't know about you, but I want to be great . I want to live abundantly with everything that God...

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, then it isn’t worth having.” copied from @TheLoveAid

Last weekend while visiting family I had a moment of sadness, I confided in my cousin who has become my "love guru". As I allowed a part of the "old" me to hold back the tears, I expressed to her how after my interaction with a certain someone I seem to feel sad. She explained to me how that is an unhealthy situation to be in and I should not allow anyone to alter my energy in a way which is not positive. I agreed completely and promptly deleted his information. The remainder of the evening, the sadness lingered. Of course the last thing I need in my current state is to allow sadness to set in as I'm fighting depression. I refused to return to that space, I'm doing everything I can and to be honest it gets hard sometimes. It would be so easy to press snooze rather than run or hike or clean my house, but when I slept and/or drank my life away I was miserable! However as I drove home and throughout the evening I was reminded of various things he'd expresse...

When I am in an environment that encourages achievement. Especially with fellow over achievers or people who appreciate the Type- A personality.

How many times have we fallen for that lie? I'm not sure if its ego, narcissism or the truth; or perhaps a combination of them all. The other evening during a text conversation I came to a realization about myself, 1. I actually grew up with my father, most women were raised single parent with mother and/or grandmother. 2. My Dad was a huge influence and participant in how I was raised, so I learned how to be a woman by a man. 3. I actually paid attention to the examples around me. I remember my first BFF, we met when I was 5 and she was 6. Then we're in High School and she takes a turn for disaster. She no longer cared about our pact to abstinence or anything else we had in common. Now she just wants to talk about boys and foolishness; all this because her parents are getting a divorce. Next thing I know she's the talk of our circle and the pedestal she was on came crumbling down. Throughout those years I went through it with these chicks and the problems were always dif...

Very often my Dad says the craziest shit to me, I honestly used to think he was crazy. He started talking to me about boys when I was probably 8 or 9, I'd say "eww, Daddy I don't even like boys" and he'd always respond "one day you will". Now I speak with him about the men in my life and I express my thoughts and feelings about each of them. Randomly, he'll ask me for updates or he'll point out when I haven't mentioned someone. I recall a few conversations recently where he expressed that he didn't like my ex, although he never met him. He'd been fed information from someone with ulterior motives, luckily I was able to provide some facts and help him see this person for who he is. In the event he finds himself in the mix, I don't want my Father to have ill feelings for him. Since my Dad's opinion means a lot to me, I understand how that would create disharmony in my situation if I didn't nip it in the bud now. So we...

Everything is a test, pass or fail and I don't grade on a curve.

Summer 1996, I had a new friend and she was wild. I remember I'd never really hung out away from home, so it was always an adventure traveling around the neighborhood with her. I remember the guys talking to me and surprised that I was actually socializing. They used to call me "90210", and it would piss me off since clearly we were no where near Beverly Hills. So this friend would somehow find all types of crazy things to get into each day, she hated being at home, but she never had any money. I had money without the information, so you can see how this pairing was beneficial to both of us. Her mother had a ton of kids and she was the eldest, not to mention the mothers boyfriend was a weirdo. One night she came to my window because the boyfriend was hitting her mom and she wanted to run away. I'd convinced her to stay and we'd figure something out. Soon after her mother and the boyfriend broke up, but something changed in our friendship. She started borrowing ...

I was lost in your gaze. it were as if you saw right through me, past the physical and into my soul. Then you smiled and I did the same. The connection was so strong I found myself in disbelief once the moment passed. Spending the remainder of the day plotting our next encounter, I wonder if you felt it too. Like an addict I must find that feeling again.

"He who thinks he knows it all, knows nothing, for compared to what is to know, he knows but a pebble in the ocean of time." copied from @TheGodLight

I was completely nervous heading into my appointment today with a million thoughts running through my mind. I've been praying, not for a particular outcome, but to know the truth. Something I've buried for six (6) years. December 2005, I'd decided to terminate a pregnancy following a car accident (see, "Honesty Hour" and "Saturday, November 05, 2005"). Well January 2006 a few days before my birthday I'm in the ER because something's wrong and up until this moment no one could figure out what it was. I recall being rushed into surgery and signing disclosure forms, I don't recall if the surgeon actually said that I wouldn't be able to have children or if somehow that was just what I'd heard. Trying to recover from an accident of that capacity while admitting that I was unable to handle the most important responsibility in my life was overwhelming to say the least. I recall the length of time it took to walk the few blocks to my son...

Last night I felt some type of way, I don't know how to put the feelings into words.  Soon after I received a call from my Daddy, he just wanted to check on me and see how my day went.  In the conversation I mentioned that I was headed to bible class and he made me promise to call him when I was done.  So as I am heading home I remember to call him, he then asks if I need anything and tells me to "stop by sometime so I can give you something".  I could tell that he wanted to see me since I'd expressed to him that my week hadn't been the best.    I recall a conversation we had last week where he mentioned the time "1:18" the numbers represent my birthday, he stated that he always thinks of me at that time.  He says the most amazing things to me at just the right time, making my heart smile always.  I arrive at his place and he hands me money, we then go to the store and he asks if I want or need anything.  In an instance when I said out loud t...

So alone in this world, I used to wish I had a sister, but only if she were my twin. I figured I'd finally have someone who looked like me and could actually relate to my emotions, thoughts, dreams and desires. Being an only child is not easy, I used to wish I had that type of interactions with my cousins where we'd be more like sisters. Unfortunately, my sheltered and at times overbearing upbringing didn't allow that. I kind of understand it now, to be the child of the family drug addict, everyone is extremely delicate with you. They seem to believe that you are either more fragile or much tougher than you may appear.  I recall a recent encounter with a cousin from my Grandmother's side of the family, and as we were catching up she asked who's child I was so she could have a point of reference, her reaction was priceless and I could see the horror, dispair and/or pity she felt in that moment before she was able to catch herself and say something "nice...

Between the three (3) cleanses I've done this year, adopting the practice of meditation and repairing my prayer life I've discovered a renewed relationship with God.  The interesting thing about it is, that wasn't my plan.  Over the years I've built a wall around my heart in an effort to keep everyone out, over time it even included God.   I recall 1999, I found myself pregnant by a "man" who (I thought) I knew, we were together for about two years prior to this (see, "The Rebound Guy" ).  We dated, he met my father, we did everything a couple would do although there was no true commitment to one another.  I remember the mishap as if it were yesterday, the condom comes off and immediately I knew this would create a problem.  Sure enough, soon after I learn that I am pregnant, and the day I told him he expressed to me how much he hated me, how I was ruining his life and how he wanted to have tons of children, but with his wife a...

You ever just want to run away? Like, pack a bag and live the simple life. I have this fantasy of getting a one way ticket to Fiji and selling seashells by the seashore, living off fish and veggies from my garden and chatting with tourists to pass the time.

He says I "do too much", how is it possible to express your love, care and/or concern for someone "too much"? The interesting part of it all is; what he feels is too much is actually my bare minimum. Yet when I'm silent or fed up he's upset, lately our communication has been a disaster. Thankfully, no arguments, but as quickly as I thought we were on the same page his next communication let me know that we weren't. We aren't even in the same book, or the same section. I've been to Mars, honestly, I think I used to live there. Sometimes I wish he'd stop fighting so hard and catch a flight to Venus, I believe he'd understand then. I've been stubborn, mean, angry and I'm sure if you let him tell it, a host of other things. However as "awful" as I have been, he won't go away nor will he do the simple things to make our interaction work. I've stopped hoping for "us", now I just ask God to guide me becau...

Insomnia, migraine, tears and its barely 9:00 am! Days like this "the bitch" comes out and her patience is extremely low, as I attempt to be truly "a new creation" I realize I can't allow the effects of stress to take me to such a low energy. So today, I choose to remain in a space of praise and worship. I have thoughts of my Pastor as she goes through a procedure and I ask God to comfort her, guide the thoughts, hands and atmosphere of her doctors and his/her staff. I have thoughts of my friend/ walking partner who recently lost her Father, and I ask God to dwell with her family at this time, and comfort their hearts. Along with tons of other random thoughts that come and go. I realize the plots and ploys of "d'evils" and how they're trying to take me to a space of panic or to revisit the anxiety attack I experienced in September of this year. I understand that these issues aren't going anywhere however the difference then compared to ...

So I'm in the bath with my random thoughts, music, candle & vodka. When a reminder crosses my mind that I have that Doctors appointment next week. I will admit I am a bit nervous, like, what if I really can't have anymore children? Then I have a thought, "you'll just be 'Crazy Aunt Kamille' all the kids favorite aunt" and the fact that I can see myself as her is just 😂

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.             borrowed from http://www.facebook.com/#!/mevlana

I'm one of those people who's "always in my head", I believe it's from being an only child. Well, not completely, an only child who was also sheltered and overprotected. I often resented being the only one "forced" into a relationship with my grandmother. I was extremely jealous of how the others were free to come and go and deal with her when they felt like it. I felt rejected by my mother so I embraced someone who would have loved to take her place, her sister. My aunt and I have a special bond, even when we aren't speaking I know she sends me good vibrations and wants the best for me (most of the time). I think our biggest issue is that in a lot of ways we are very much alike however in the ways we differ it can be too hard to accept, add to that we are two Capricorn's with similar challenges. Growing up I felt as if the bond we had and the view of my reality did not match. I spent a lot of Saturdays with her and her son, she took me ba...

When I am honest with myself about certain patterns I have, once they are brought to my awareness I typically make a point to change them.  I am not sure how I overlooked this particular one, but its major and in this moment I understand that it can not continue.   So my friend tells "My First Love" that I want him to be my first, he goes on to say that he cant do that to me and I should take my virginity seriously.  Well that wasn't supposed to happen, months later I decided for no good reason that I would give my virginity to a guy I had been seeing almost immediately after this experience of rejection.  I believe I mentioned this ordeal in "Team Abstinence".  My first time was hilarious, to me, after the fact.  I think everyone who knows me in real life has heard the story, I literally laughed in the man's face and told him to stop and get off of me.  He then says "next time..." I interrupted and made it very clear "there will be no ne...