Last weekend while visiting family I had a moment of sadness, I confided in my cousin who has become my "love guru". As I allowed a part of the "old" me to hold back the tears, I expressed to her how after my interaction with a certain someone I seem to feel sad. She explained to me how that is an unhealthy situation to be in and I should not allow anyone to alter my energy in a way which is not positive. I agreed completely and promptly deleted his information. The remainder of the evening, the sadness lingered. Of course the last thing I need in my current state is to allow sadness to set in as I'm fighting depression. I refused to return to that space, I'm doing everything I can and to be honest it gets hard sometimes. It would be so easy to press snooze rather than run or hike or clean my house, but when I slept and/or drank my life away I was miserable! However as I drove home and throughout the evening I was reminded of various things he'd expressed through our MANY arguments, so the first thing the next day I search through my cell bill online for his number and re-enter his information in my phone.
He's expressed to me several times how it feels when he learns that I've deleted him. It's usually followed by a number change however once we began speaking again over the Summer I finally heard what he'd been saying. I then promised him that I wouldn't delete him again, I also promised not to "run away". I've made every effort to "Start Over" (Beyonce, 4) and with the exception of the brief deletion I've kept them. However he hasn't kept his to me.
As I typed in "Venus vs. Mars", I hoped we would've figured something out. I put my pride and ego on the shelf and attempted to coordinate our schedules, every offer I made he had a "reason" why it didn't work, and I remained understanding. The one day he was available I have a million things to do, however as my day progressed I figured a way to make time for him, he doesn't respond. So you'd think I've had enough rejection for one week, right? Lol of course NOT, I come up with the bright idea to invite him over for Thanksgiving. He doesn't even have the balls to respond. So now I'm sadder and disappointed, not because he didn't come, but because he didn't even have the decency to decline. At the beginning of the week I started a post titled "Back to Black", I'd remembered my promises to him, along with the awful interaction which was Thanksgiving 2011 and I was determined to give my last "balls to the wall", "go hard or go home" type of effort to restoring our energy. I'd thought that was what we both wanted; yet words are one thing and actions are screaming a different message. So now as I am aware this treatment is absolutely unacceptable I also realize that there's no need to change my number or delete contacts, I've done everything I could do. This time if he decides to inform me of my "childish", "bratty" antics or how I "run away" I'll know in my heart this situation is like beating a dead horse.
So, Dear Sir,
You have the green light, GO!
Sincerely,
...
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