So for the past six (6) months I've been all about my #TeamAbstinance, then the other day I fell off. I thought it was what I needed or perhaps I convinced myself it was what I wanted. Well, once again I was disappointed and underwhelmed. When he asked me if I climaxed and my response was "no", I could see the look of embarrassment in his face as he tried to comprehend why I wasn't "mad" I guess his feelings were further damaged by my reaction. However over the years I've grown to expect them not to perform, so I'm never surprised when it happens that way.
I recall a recent conversation with my ex, which was quite interesting, he mentioned certain abilities I have so when I tell him that I didn't reach my destination with someone he never knows how to respond. Over the years he has said to me that I'm "hard to forget" so I finally decided to ask him why, he said "How orgasmic you are. Not a matter of if you will have one, but how many." So for me to exchange my energy with someone and feel nothing is completely wasteful. After this encounter I had to apologize to my "lady parts", I felt so horrible for putting her through such a lackluster ordeal that I even contemplated celibacy.
I began reminiscing about my situation with my ex, it was quite unique since I met him at a time when I was embracing my core self. This is the guy who I met after I made my list of qualities I wanted as I began to desire a relationship (see "what's a girl to do?"). I don't recall if it was before or soon after I met him, I'd watched a movie "She Hate Me" and as a joke (sort of), I mentioned to him that I wanted to have a relationship with a guy and a girl simultaneously. To my surprise, he isn't shocked or judgemental yet we never discussed it again. Our relationship takes a turn as I am now faced with the aftermath of a car accident, the situation with my son and an unexpected pregnancy. Now I am an emotional wreck! One minute I love him, the next I can't stand him, I'm questioning if I am making the right decision and I am terrified. I finally decide what I am going to do and part of it was to detach from him. Next thing I know, we make up somehow, but thats not all: he found a girl for me us!
It was difficult in the beginning because he chose to keep her out of the loop however I encouraged him to tell her so that she could make a decision based on all of the necessary information. It goes well and she calls me, I could tell her feelings were stronger for him than she wanted to let on, but to me it was obvious and in the back of my mind I knew it would create a problem at some point. However she was beautiful, funny, smart and caring; she got my jokes and I got hers and the best part, we had a lot in common. The most interesting thing in all of this, I've experienced various types of relationships and the ones I've had with women have been the best on many levels. I would grow frustrated as the dynamic began to change because she could not accept her position in the relationship and his insecurity constinently created disharmony. Eventually we all went our separate ways, but I believe in some way she will always hold a special place in my heart.
Throughout the years my dad has found ways to mention some "fun fact" about lesbians or bisexual women, I remember a period of time when I was in high school and he thought all of my friends were my "lovers" lol. So as I tried to talk myself out of typing these words I had a decision to make. I knew that I did not want my father to learn of this by some random person, he needed to hear it from me. It was not easy however knowing that he accepts me just the way I am made it a bit easier to share that in this space. I used to wonder what people would think of me, or if it was "right" or "wrong" yet I have no clue. I know my thoughts and when they started, I know my heart and what it feels, and I know that a few key people in my life already knew this and never made it an issue.
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