Dealing with anxiety has been a very eye opening experience for me. Since I completed my last cleanse a few weeks ago I've begun to see myself differently, like who I really am. I will admit, I like am in love with myself now (flaws and all). Earlier this year I was in such a dark space I couldn't even look myself in the mirror without a feeling of disgust, humiliation and/or insecurity. I'd gained weight and as I thought of the fact that I'd been 115 lbs until my son was born then hmm 130- 140 lbs up until a couple of years ago I grew more and more depressed as the numbers on the scale continued to increase and doctors now referred to me as "obese". I wasn't interested in sex, or should I say, I had no desire to have sex because I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say #TeamAbstinence was a breeze!
So as I've cleansed, changed my eating habits and gotten into a regular fitness lifestyle the lbs have shed and I actually surpassed my weight loss goal, which leaves a cushion for an occasional cupcake without the guilt or anxiety of my "inner fat girl" returning. With the newfound confidence and physique I now believe the compliments I receive as opposed to the doubt I once felt when someone said something “nice” about my looks and/or body. So back to the anxiety, I’ve become overwhelmed, I’m already a type-A personality with OCD, ADD, spoiled brat tendencies, oh, and did I mention I’m a Capricorn? At this point I need a stress reliever like never before. Between migraine headaches, hives (on occassion), breakouts and at one point even my vagina was stressed (yep that happens). Needless to say my body is going through an overwhelming number of changes; good as well as not so good and there’s nothing like some good lovin to make everything better, right?
So I mentioned my disappointing encounter in “Best Kept Secret”, and initially I’d made the decision not to go into too much detail about it. Well that was reconsidered after my conversation with “The Newbie” the other day. Not only was I completely dissatisfied with our experience I figured I’d allow him a do-over since most first times are usually awful. I figured since we already had a few dates scheduled for the upcoming week I’d give him a chance to redeem himself. Well the first problem came when one date came and went, I called and he didn’t answer (Strike 2!). We also had plans on another day, which is until he texted to reschedule without an alternative date/time (Strike #3). In the past I would’ve deleted his information at this point and moved on to something else, but since I’m trying to do things differently I decided to detach and let the chips fall where they may. So Thursday is here and I get a text asking if we’re still getting together, I inquired if we had plans, knowing that we did not. He lies and says “yes”, I then corrected him that our plans were for Sunday and Wednesday and that I am unavailable. The conversation takes a turn and it feels like an argument, so I call him to avoid any misunderstandings. He isn’t happy about this and goes on to tell me how much he wants to cuddle and “fuck”, I inform him that I wasn’t interested and he takes the stance that I am “punishing” him because he failed to call. I assured him that my reason was totally different; he then goes on to demand that I “get my ass over here” and that it was the “bottom line” as I laughed uncontrollably and asked him several times if he was serious he did not find it amusing. I then explained to him that his sex game was wack, and I had no desire to endure the lackluster experience again. Silence.
He then tries to regroup and demand again that I drive to his place, in the rain, for his pleasure. At this point I understood that he was serious and had to explain to him that what he offered was unacceptable, I explained to him that it wasn’t as if he was saying that he missed me, or wanted to be close to me, he was allowing his lust for me to take over and selfishly thought that I was his new toy whose only purpose was to come running at his beck and call. Sir! I reminded him that “I am different”, he said “but you are a woman” I didn’t understand what that had to do with anything. I told him that I am not like the women he typically deals with and I thought he had a clear understanding of that. It seems as soon as he bust his nut all of his brains and common sense left with it. So now the gloves are off, I have no desire to spare his feelings. I believe where he went wrong was in feeling as if he had conquered me, perhaps the challenge of how long it would take got the best of him and once he "put it down" he thought that was enough to have me in some daze of lust with him. Well, for starters I'm used to a completely different experience. Hell I laughed in the face of the guy I lost my virginity to and told him to "stop", so that should tell you I'm not the average woman. The fact that he was done and I was WIDE AWAKE was a problem!
So let’s rewind to our experience together, we are bonding and I did enjoy spending time with him. As I prepared to go to his place I made sure to shower, moisturize my body with a mixture of coconut oil and unscented lotion and picked out a very sexy pair of panties with the matching bra (just in case *wink*). See I had already planned to let it go down IF he didn’t say/do anything stupid while we were together. It gets pretty heated and I decide I’ll entertain it, well now it’s taking him forever to wake his “friend”, so I’m already annoyed. Then his technique is quite juvenile, but somehow I keep thinking “it’s gonna get better after round-one”, it doesn’t… The intermission between rounds was way too long and overall I expected more.
Not only was his performance mediocre, once I had the chance to reflect on everything I realized a few other things that added to my displeasure. So for starters he did not put the condom on properly, in my experience this usually leads to unwanted pregnancy as the condom usually comes off inside of the woman and increases the chance for his little swimmers to make it to an egg. In that moment I was reminded of a thought I had months prior, saying to myself “since I am abstinent, should I discontinue my method of birth control?” thankfully my answer to that was “hell no!” because if there’s a slip up Lord knows I don’t want to be in a position to HAVE to make a decision. Even worse, I thought of the fact that I’ve now been exposed to his bare penis and I am mortified! I began to have thoughts of what could happen from this and my neuroses was awakened, I thought, how soon can I go to the doctor? Was he honest about his answers regarding his last doctor visit and testing information? I then realized had his answers been false, I have now put myself in danger of not realizing my “happy new beginning” of marriage and more children. My next thought was; if any of those answers are for the worst my dad will kill him. I thought of telling him that several times, but opted against it as I realized the amount of truth behind that statement. I almost had an anxiety attack and broke out in hives a few days later.
It's clear, this sex thing is not for me! I dont even know why I allow myself to slip as if I expect things to be different. Well here's the truth, just as his lust changed his behavior towards me, my lust used my situation (anxiety disorder) so satisfy itself, or at least attempt to. Vanity played a part in it as well since I am no longer ashamed of showing my body to someone. I also saw a few areas where I am a bit naive and that just wont do. I am thankful for realizing that although my intention is to remain abstinent, I am still human and things may happen here and there so it's just good sense to keep my IUD in tact. Secondly, women should know how to put on a condom properly as well as carry them with them just in case. I've been pregnant a total of three times, the first time was due to the fact everyone believed me when I said I was a virgin so they failed to educate me about sex. I thought since he used a condom I was covered, well he didnt use it properly and it came off during the act. The second time I was in a committed, monogomous relationship and over time we just stopped using them and I still wasnt smart enough to get birth control of my own. The last time was a replay of the first however I was on the pill (needless to say it was ineffective). After dealing with "The Newbie" and reflecting on our experience together, I was made aware that he placed the condom on to reassure me however he did it improperly so he could satisfy his lust without the interrupted connection. This is a very dangerous game to play, especially with someone who is neurotic and has an overprotective, loving Father. Not to mention the level of trust that is distroyed.
I realize my selfishness partnered with his lust and agenda created this exchange; the plan I had for him (see "Practice Boyfriend") was ruined because he didnt see the value of allowing things to flow as discussed. I dont know what exactly changed, or if any of our interaction prior to that exchange was real. He said and did the right things most of the time so I believed his effort was genuine, now I am skeptical and my trust issues are back and stronger than ever. I do understand that we operate from two totally different vibrations and that also played a part in the course of events. I guess the moral of my story is; be prepared, trust your intuition, use protection (properly), and if it isnt love why bother?
I cant and wont speak for the next person, what you choose to do with your body is your business however I know that the love vs lust debate has love winning everytime with me. When thinking about how to put my words together I decided to look up the opposite of "lust" and sure enough it was love (http://www.foundationsforfreedom.net/Topics/Disciple/Intermediate/D2_07_Lust/04_Lust-opposite.html). The other problem was, I jumped on this abstinence thing, but I didnt make a clear decision of what that actually means. Initially the plan was to remain abstinent until I was in a loving, committed, monogomous relationship. Then anxiety hit, I dont know how much of that is an excuse, but I have read various places that sex does help (http://www.stop-anxiety-panic-attack.com/blog/25-ways-to-relieve-anxiety). In my case, meaningless sex just adds to my anxiety so it's rather counterproductive. I dont know how realistic it would be for to say "I intend to remain abstinent until I get married", ideally, I would love to do that. I guess time will tell, but one thing for sure is I will be smarter about my choices as well as identifying if lust, rejection, vanity, ego or any of the other low energy vibrations are influencing them.
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