Years ago I realized I wanted a relationship, I also realized that I had/have some areas that dont work in my favor when dealing with men. I had a conversation or two with a girl I follow on twitter @singlegirlguide, I also checked out her blog http://www.thesinglegirlsguidetomen.com occassionally. The conclusion of our conversation was her suggesting that I find a "practice boyfriend", her reasoning was that I'd be in position to work out all of my kinks, he'd benefit from it so it wasnt as if I was using him so either our interaction would morph into something significant OR I'd meet someone worthy and would be prepared to be a great girlfriend! Sounds like a win/win if you ask me.
So I meet a guy through a mutual friend, I understood that he was abstinent which in my mind was perfect since I didnt necessary want to have sex with the "practice boyfriend". He and I begin spending time together and on occassion he'd spend the night and we'd cuddle, I think this is perfect. Well that is until he makes it known that he wants to have sex, I'm thrown for a loop because that was not apart of this arrangement. At one point he took it upon himself to snatch my underwear off and throw them across the room. Project over! you gotta go!
Now here we are again, when I met "The Newbie" he was unemployeed. I didnt mind it so much because he was cool to hang out with, I figured we could be good friends, but I wasnt interested in anything further. As my interaction with the gentleman mentioned in "D*ck in a Box" had grown rather stagnant, I knew we were further than ever from the good energy I needed while dealing with anxiety and stress. Over a short period of time my interaction with "The Newbie" propelled him to apply for a job, not only does he get an offer, its for a better job than he'd applied for. Now I see potential, I think to myself, we have fun when we're together, he seems to listen to my suggestions and they're actually working in his best interest. Maybe he can be my "practice boyfriend", I decide to take on this project.
Last week I'm on twitter and @FeministaJones is involved in some conversation about #Raheem; detailing how Raheem is the guy around the way who has prefected his sex game, he may or may not have much else to offer however his purpose is to be your release. If you're in a relationship, he's the guy who spots all of the areas your man is overlooking and provides that special something to keep a smile on your face. I made the mistake of thinking the newbie was a Raheem. Which lead to a good amount of my disappointment, in my mind (and I dont quite know if this is ego, arrogance, or something else), but after our encounter he was way too cool for someone in his position. I mean in reality, he did not have much to offer me, our conversations were mostly me suggesting books, discussing things I knew or sharing my awareness. He didnt have much money and he wasnt in a position to be a "knight in shining armor" if I needed him to be. However he was sweet, caring, funny and he was a good listener I figured if he could blow my back out too that would be enough at this point. Well, there was no danger of that, and the other qualities I'd grown to like disappeared in the process.
I've never believed in that saying "if you cant be with the one you love; love the one you're with" I guess for this exact reason. The truth is, the main reason I even allowed myself to entertain this situation was because I felt rejected by the guy I wanted to connect with in this way. We had a conversation and I explained to him that I did not want to be with another, but he's giving me no choice. Boy was that a mistake, however it did make me aware of a pattern that I have.
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