When I am honest with myself about certain patterns I have, once they are brought to my awareness I typically make a point to change them. I am not sure how I overlooked this particular one, but its major and in this moment I understand that it can not continue.
So my friend tells "My First Love" that I want him to be my first, he goes on to say that he cant do that to me and I should take my virginity seriously. Well that wasn't supposed to happen, months later I decided for no good reason that I would give my virginity to a guy I had been seeing almost immediately after this experience of rejection. I believe I mentioned this ordeal in "Team Abstinence". My first time was hilarious, to me, after the fact. I think everyone who knows me in real life has heard the story, I literally laughed in the man's face and told him to stop and get off of me. He then says "next time..." I interrupted and made it very clear "there will be no next time", I showered and left. We had mutual friends who were in a relationship at the time which is how we'd met and began to spend so much time together. So now my friend and her boyfriend are together and he says "do you want me to call ____", I respond "no!" and he doesn't understand why. A few times after this we have the same conversation and finally he asks "what happened?" so my friend told him. That was the last time he mentioned his friend to us.
After all of this, I met someone else, his name is Justin and I am absolutely in love with him. We get to know one another and began a loving committed relationship. This is the boyfriend I called when I accompanied a friend to get an abortion (see, "Honesty Hour"). He was absolutely wonderful, and he wanted to marry me. He discussed his plans for us and never forgot to tell me how much he loved me or how beautiful I was. I actually introduced him to my Father, I don't think I'd ever done that before. Well just like most times when life is flowing at a rather lovely pace, something dumb happens. Family drama and I am moving, I inform him and let him know that I understand the issues with long distance relationships so let's just go our separate ways and if we meet up again we can take it from there. He disagreed and assured me that we would be fine, I returned as often as I could and we were as good as we ever were. That is until I returned home and for some reason I couldn't reach him, finally some girl called me and informed me that I should stop calling her boyfriend and some other mess. I was devastated, I would cry even in my sleep. Soon after I returned to California and we met up to exchange the gifts we'd collected over the time we were together. He was completely clueless as to why I was behaving the way that I was and when asked I informed him of his "girlfriend" contacting me. He pleaded with me that what this woman said was untrue, however I couldn't bring myself to believe him. Months passed and my friends are tired of me talking about him, they want me to meet someone new and I am not for it. Finally, while running an errand with a friend she takes it upon herself to give a guy my number. Each time he called our conversation was centered around Justin. I didn't even try to hide the fact that I was still in love with him, but now I have someone new to occupy my thoughts. So we hang out, but I refused to commit to him. He'd try all types of silly antics for my attention, to the point that he moved into the same apartment community I lived in once I decided to end our interaction. Now that he's so close I figure, why not continue our situation? Well him and his improper condom application resulted in pregnancy. I was miserable, but I couldn't change my mind about keeping my baby. So with very little support, I continued my pregnancy and read every book I could to make sure I gave my child the best chance possible. Everyone knew he was my "rebound guy", and they did not hide it. Going as far as suggesting that I name our son, Justin, knowing that he knew the entire situation of who Justin was to me.
I'll skip a few others and bring us back to the present day, so now I want to develop this energy with "The Tough Guy" and it's not easy (I realize that's very much my fault, but I'll save that story for another day). Between stress, anxiety and the fact that I miss our connection; him not running to my rescue when I said so allowed me to entertain the mediocre situation that was"I've got a story to tell", so now that I've recognized my pattern, I must do what it takes to break it. No more unwanted situations for lack of patience or out of hurt because I allow the brat I can be to make me believe that I am in a space of rejection and I need to validate myself in some way.
The rebound guy is a very dangerous relationship to be in, mainly because you are extremely vulnerable from whatever you're rebounding from. Which means your judgement is not at its best and you probably aren't seeing/hearing as clearly as you should be. I know thats that was the case for me. Like the saying goes, now that I knew better, I am putting forth a much better effort to do better.
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