Freedom

Last night I did everything I was supposed to do, ate dinner (I think), skipped the wine, took the appropriate medication, said my prayers, meditated then attempted to go to sleep. In that moment I felt afraid. I felt as if I'd go to sleep and may not wake up, I don't know if I've ever felt that before.

I awake with in a space of thankfulness as I wasn't confident that I'd see another day. Along with it I had the most intense migraine, the vibration was so strong all I could do was bury my head under the covers. Eventually I got up to make breakfast (oatmeal, muffin & orange juice) in order to take another dosage of pills. I feel an incredibly low energy, something I haven't felt in quite some time. I hate this feeling, and I rarely use the word "hate" to express my feelings for things.

Various times throughout the day between sleeping and praying I recall meditating on a strategy which will remove me from the space which creates this reaction in me. I recall how many times a certain someone has told me to "relax", he would say it as if it were the easiest thing to do. For some perhaps, but not everyone has that luxury. My annoyance with him stems from the appearance that he takes nothing seriously, always nonchalant about everything. That is until he realizes how close he is to losing it, then for a moment he shows his passionate side, but it's fleeting.

As for me, I pray, meditate, discovered various hobbies to relieve stress as well as the exercises and techniques I'd adapted through therapy. Trouble is, the migraines are coming stronger and more frequently. I've never experienced anything like this before, not to mention the medicated state of being; I can not deal! I'm ready to cleanse and reclaim my body and mind, yet that would be pointless if the environment and need for medication isn't removed.

I pray to regain my freedom, I feel as if I am being held captive by these things which are being expressed through my body and although I make my best effort to remain positive and feed my spirit with the right foods, books, conversations and programs something is still coming though creating pain and disharmony. I don't know how to fix this, but I feel as if the currents are trying to carry me away into a space I don't want to be. And then the tears begin to fall....

At times it's as if the dream I see feels more and more possible the foolishness, tears, migraines and anxiety are becoming worse. I don't completely know how to process this, although I wish I could fast forward to the "promised land" and bypass the discomfort I am experiencing now, I know that is unrealistic, selfish and self-centered so I don't include that non-sense in my prayers.

I just want to return to a space where I am free to exercise, free from migraines, free from anxiety, free from prescription medication. Actually I desire the space where I am free to be ME, unapologetically. Free to live my dreams and design the life which will contribute to the world and sets my family (by blood as well as by spirit) to the heights where we truly were born to be.